Baby Beers

Well it finally happened. Our family has begun a new generation. On January 20th at 12:16 am, my sister gave birth to Jackson Beers. I speak often about the ebb and flow of the family dynamic now that both of my siblings and I are in our twenties and navigating adulthood, but with the addition of two baby cousins and now a nephew, I realized that the absence of my large Italian family was not an absence, but a time of transition. New children are filling the spaces left by Danielle, Jesse and I. What's even stranger, is that they are our children.

I returned from NY Friday evening; literally jumping out of a production cube and running to Port Authority. I finally fell asleep in the warmth of my childhood room. Around 10:30 am, I received a rather panicked phone call from my sister asking where my mother was. I immediately knew what was going on. I grabbed my Dad and picked up my Mom at the King of Prussia Mall and headed over to Bryn Mawr Birthing Center. Unfortunately, January 19 also happened to be biggest December snow storm since 1907 (or something). What a Cramer move to inconvenience everyone and everything for your big dramatic arrival. The baby already has it figured out.

My sister was a champ during her labor - eating the entire time, standing and walking around, laughing and talking with us in-between contractions. When it finally came time to push, my Dad, Mrs. Beers and I sat outside the door and cheered her on. After 14 hours of active labor, just after midnight, we all heard Jackson cry for the first time.

I can't tell you the flood of emotions that probably pulsed throughout the room, but what I felt was not shocking, but it did take me somewhat by surprise. It's incredible, the amount of love that I feel for Jackson instantly. I'm sure it's only a fraction of what the parent feels, but unconditional love nonetheless. "He has your blood. Isn't that crazy?" I watch and listen as reality falls piece by piece on my sister. It's like everyday is a new revelation in her life. I'm surprised by the lack of fear and uncertainty Danielle and Jeff exhibit - emotions I'm convinced will denote the arrival of my first child.

Thus begins the next generation of our family and they seem completely capable of raising Jackson. This baby doesn't even realize the amount of love he has around him. I hold him and feel like he's my own. I'm excited for his future and helping raise him in our family. It's been quite the Christmas vacation so far - and there's still a week left.

I <3 NY, but get me home.

I haven’t been writing much lately, but I guess that’s a good thing. Over the last few months, my time hasn’t been consumed with trepidations about jobs, income and other matters that have been actively racing around in my head for the better part of the year. Work has been steady – knock on wood – and I’ve been doing my best to push through each week giving 100% to every new challenge.

Right now, I’m sitting on a bus waiting to leave Port Authority in New York City. After my last job in LA, I had planned on returning to Philadelphia early to be with my family. My sister is now two days shy of her dues date and I want more than anything to experience the change our family dynamic is about to undergo.

Instead of getting off the plane and driving home to a warm dinner – I rushed to a bus and taxied to New York. Before leaving LA, I was offered a job on a commercial in New York for a few days. Never having worked production in New York – and lucky to have the chance to make some money right before the holidays – I took the job as a learning experience, as a chance to network and to make some extra money.

The differences between New York and Los Angeles production are fairly overt, but more on that later. I spent the second part of my workweek hustling around the Big Apple. I feel worn out and spread thin by the last few days. As a blizzard approaches the East Coast, I am silently screaming inside my head for the bus driver to get the lead out. I want to be home with my family. I want to go to Valley Forge Park and go sledding with my friends. I want to go a few days without thinking about work.

As Jeff so aptly put it: “Mark’s bloodlust for networking and money” has been satisfied. Frankly, after the last two months, I’m exhausted. With another two weeks still left in principle photography for the Emerson Promo come January, I plan on indulging in the next two weeks. I plan on recharging my battery. I plan on eating a lot of food, having a lot to drink and reveling in the holiday.

Come New Years, I’ll gladly lift a thankful head to the sky for a healthy family and the current state of my life.

Friends, Lovers or Nothing

I've been listening to songs from John Mayer's upcoming album "Battle Studies," and I'm finding each song more and more applicable to my own experiences. It's been a while since I've connected to an artists' words so immediately or without straining to find meaning. Here's one that hit home a little more than the others:

And the lyrics...

Now that we are over

As the loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways
To keep the good alive

Only when we want is not
A compromise
Ill be pouring tears
Into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers, or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never be the inbetween
So give it up

You whisper "Come on over"
Cause your two drinks in
But in the morning I will say
Good-bye again

Think we'll never fall into
The jealous game
The streets will flood
With blood of those who felt the same

Friends, lovers, or nothing
You see
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never an inbetween
So give it up

Friends, lovers, or nothing
We can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
Don't you know
We'll never be the inbetween
So give it up

No we'll never the inbetween
So give it up

See Me Now

An endless cycle in the mind

It wanes and grows, it never dies

Each one adds one feeling more

The heart pounds. Still before.

See me now, what you've missed

watch my body, feel my kiss

hold your arms, to yourself

think of me, of what we felt...

Time can heal, time can break

unravel love, but never stake

your claim in me - exhaustion brings.

My heart unwinds. Your passion sings

See me now, what you miss

feel my body, taste my kiss

press my arms to yourself

think of me, of what we felt...

The sun shines differently today for you

but I know these words will never do

can love just vanish and fade

no, time can only change, what we have already made

See me now, what you'll miss

Heat my body, take my kiss

press your arms to the sky

think of me, watch me fly

See me now, what you'll miss

Heat my body, take my kiss

press your arms to the sky

think of me, watch me fly

watch me fly.

New Ink!

In the spirit of remembering where I came from as I continue on in my journey - a steady theme in my day to day life - I finally got my new tattoo courtesy of Bill at The Tattoo Lounge on Venice Blvd.

I first got the idea a year ago during Christmas when I saw the original design on a t-shirt at Ubiq in Philadelphia. When I finally returned home 8 months later, I went back and ended up chatting with one of the reps there. I explained to him the design and he said the artist was a buddy of his. I gave him my information with the thin hope that he might actually contact me. A few weeks later, there he was in my inbox. I told him what I wanted and why and he supplied me with a fresh version of the design.

I finally bit the bullet and made the appointment for Sunday. I couldn't be happier! Luckily, my friend was standing by to watch me cringe - and too my credit, I held my own pretty well! I will admit, my arm is pretty sore right now though! In any case, there she is!

Wanderlust

Runyan Canyon is a park above Sunset at the foot of the hills that separate the Valley from Los Angeles. I go here often to run, hike, do outdoor yoga and the like. My favorite portion of my routine lasts a mere 10 seconds as I run the decline back to my car. The road winds and winds and at the 4th or 5th bend, the city completely disappears behind the mountains. I relish in my fleeting escape; away from the constant gaze of the cityscape, I imagine I'm somewhere else. I like to think I'm running a tiny path that wraps around the Andes Mountains in Peru, or maybe a warm range in the arid mediterranean.

As much as I love my life here, I can't help ward off the familiar pangs of my wanderlust. To pick up and start over. To allow my roots to unfurl into nothing but seedlings of a new adventure. The prospects are quite appealing.

All the places I could see, the people I could say hello to,

the love I could encounter,

the loss I could feel,

the time I could waste,

the things I could neglect and forget.

Even the bad things sound kind of good. There's something comforting in loosing myself and living without ties and responsibility. I think I sometimes have an aversion to responsibility. I also think you could find a few people who might confirm this.

Like anything else, this lifestyle would age quickly and I'd want the comfort and security of a rooted life once again. So, I'll try less dramatic prescriptions and smaller dosages than a move around the world. I think I'll take up Spanish lessons or plan a road trip. Those sound like more responsible choices

Still, getting lost somewhere does sound nice now and again. I doubt that feeling will ever find its way from me.

Staying Present

In this day and age, where information moves at a mile a minute; in an industry where you're expected to be 10 steps ahead of the pack; in a community that is wrought with reliving its past - I'm finding this self-issued decree of staying present immensely difficult to maintain. I find that every time I'm feel ready to move on, my past comes knocking on my door. Conversely, I'm forced to look into the future and assess my moves now in order to survive the day-to-day.

A wise friend of a (also wise) friend once said, "If you straddle one foot in the past and one in the future, you'll find yourself shitting on today." Not the most eloquent turn of phrase, but an effective one nonetheless. I've said something similar many times - with all of this focus on my past (and in many cases, the future), it feels impossible to enjoy what I have now.

As I strike a balance between the past and the future - hopefully landing me somewhere in the present - my battle is being waged on the surprise ambushes from these opposing camps. Where my heart is concerned, I find more exhaustion in "moving on" then acting accordingly for any given situation. Moving on means cutting a piece of me off. It means, ideally, not gaining access to this part of me again. But what happens in the event if and when I need that access; to assess, to react, to act accordingly? I end up spending more energy pruning all of these emotional tendons then I do allowing them to slowly wither away.

I start to feel stupid asking for advice on the same old things, but again, letting go doesn't always seem like the most prudent choice or decision. As much as I fear the build up on either end of the time spectrum, I fear more losing those pieces. Are the too mutually exclusive? Can't there be a balance for both within the other balance? It's a lot to consider sometimes and more than some people care to understand, but that is where my head rests. While I try to lie between the past and the future, I work even harder at understanding and respecting both, rather than cutting either off or preemptively.

Ah yes, the all-too-familiar state of headiness. It's been a while, but it's still there, just below my surface.

A new season.

I'm finding difficulty with my words.

Living in my worlds.

Left LA, the summer behind

I freed my mind.

The seasons change, this one feels fresh

something new to quest

Bound or apart, my mind might race

Peace I find in one embrace

I keep restarting this entry - I couldn't finish the stanzas. It's been an intense couple of weeks since being back. Fall has certainly arrived. I feel the new season in almost every aspect of my life. Having spent so much time away from LA, I've come back and seen my day-to-day life for what it is. I enjoy my routine. I enjoy my work; this freelancing, working for myself, having my own office with my best friend. Things are hard sometimes, but I manage. I support myself. I maintain great friendships. I have a home. I feel like I have a future.

These feelings are all fleeting. My life feels so incremental, each notch a different emotive state, it's incredible that I can write this entry through without changing my mind. For now though, I'm enjoying the change in season. I enjoyed the rain today - the first rain which always feels the city feeling clean.

I think I feel cleaner now. Not too sure why. Some clarity has come over the last month or so. Something of confidence or assurance in my life. I feel like I'm learning who I am at a faster pace now. Without the hurdles of adolesence or schoolwork, or becoming an adult or finding a job - I'm jumping with more agility. My feet seem to be landing square on the ground.

This day-to-day feels very different from when I left. The rain is washing away some of the dust and haze of the warmer months. I stood on the top of Runyan Canyon for the first time in a long while yesterday, the cooler air filling my lungs, looking at the reflection of the waning sun on the ocean miles away and I felt truly happy.

I'm sure some crisis will come along soon enough and I'll write multiple entries to this one to help cope. In the meantime, I think I'm learning the value of being present and enjoying the moment in my work, in my relationships, in my daily life. Maybe that is what feels different. I'm not calculating outcomes or exit strategies; instead, I'm finding the peace in the moment. In feeling and acknowledging and moving forward. Maybe that's it.

Total Recall

I'm not really sure how to start this post. It's been nearly a month since being in LA and this time has been some of the most stressful, rewarding, liberating and enlightening weeks of my life.

I've spent the better part of this month producing a commercial for my Alma Mater, Emerson College in Boston with my company Movie Magic. While here, I was able to visit some of my best friends, make some new ones and really get a trial-by-fire education in my profession and business.

I spent the month being in charge of an extremely talented team. We rejoiced with our successes, mourned our losses and laughed at our exhaustion. I don't think I've been this tired in a very long time. Despite the blood, sweat and tears, I feel more capable. I feel empowered. I'm excited about my company and moving it forward. I miss my office, my bed, my friends, my life; but I think leaving LA was one of the best things I could have done this month.

Aside from the business oriented lessons, I've learned a great deal about people and the relationships I keep. Again, I found myself at the mercy of the power of human interaction - that for 10 successes, one downturn or negative thought can poison you. I saw the wear of time on friendships; observed how some mold and deteriorate and others ferment and improve with time and space.

I also met my family for the first time in nearly a year. I saw my sister and her very pregnant stomach. I felt my nephew kick. I met my parents at yet another level of understanding and I sit now in my childhood room and feel comforted still. My mind and body are looking into the future, into places even further than they are now, but I still feel a connection here.

I barely had any time to think or sit or be alone, but I managed, somehow, to make new connections and reflect on my recent history. I feel blessed for this last month; this opportunity to grow as an entrepreneur, as a friend, a brother, a son, a person.

The next few weeks will be filled with challenges: staying on task, not feeding the urge to ignore my growing laundry list of "to-do's" and to stay proactive. I will indulge in deep breaths now and focus on the next few steps. I feel like they are going to continue to grow larger. I feel myself growing and my stride widening and I don't want to lose momentum.

Thank you for the support! Homeward bound... the incredible journey begins continues.

So it begins...

Here's where I'll be spending the next few weeks of my life in Boston.

Worth the Wait

I can say unabashedly, that August has been the most difficult month for me since moving to Los Angeles for work. Production in the mainstream has been slow and job after job has fallen through. True to form, I've been in and out of a quiet panic deep inside my head. Even truer to form, things ended up being OK. I booked a producing job that will uproot me from Los Angeles and temporarily plant me back in Boston and New York.

Being able to travel for work is a huge blessing and while many jobs fell through, it seems I had to wait for the better opportunity. This wasteland of work has allowed me to really focus on Movie Magic Media and build our credit list (we were just awarded our first professional music video, The Summer Set with Razor and Tie in NY, that shoots this weekend.), organize our space and nurse this company to life. Not only will I be producing this commercial, but MMM has been awarded the job. This is the first large-scale job awarded to the company by a third party.

The icing on the cake is that I will also have a chance to travel home to Philly and see my family for a few days. I hoping to piggy back the trips, but this means I'll be out of LA for nearly a month. I'm excited to get away on a great job, see my family and come back to LA with a fresh perspective. (There's that word again.)

So, it's time to gear up for a hard, but rewarding couple of weeks. It's time to recharge my West Coast battery with a little East Coast love. I'm out on a redeye on Tuesday.

IMG00056.jpg

PR6 Premiere Party. Thompson Hotel roof in Beverly Hills!

Family Ties

It has been over 8 months since I've seen my family. Have I avoided going home? No. Have I tried to go home? Yes. Things just haven't been working out for me in this regard and it is because of this that I have felt a deepening longing to go home and seem my family. I wouldn't say that it's because I want to be coddled and cooed over. Those days are long gone. Nonetheless, there is a comfort about being home, in the house I've grown up in, with the family I grew up with.

I think I attribute this desire to our ever-evolving dynamic as a family. Where most people would account for this change as a point of stress, I find myself drawn to it. I've mentioned before the transformation that takes place after high school and especially after college; that is, where the family undergoes a severe restructuring. Because we are not bound by the nuclear ties of a single roof or our "parents rules," we suddenly become human to one another.

I'm fascinated by the new roles we assume in the family. Yes, the old roles exist, but more as a vestige or a reason for the way things are. Often time, it's a scapegoat and, other times, it's a point of pride. Sometimes we let go and other times we hold on. Still, having spent so much time away from home, I'm seeing each of us - my mother, father, sister and brother - as more or less on a level playing field. We all have our strong suits and our weaknesses. We all have the ways in which we show love and hate. We all have issues.

I've been, and continue to be, intrigued but what makes my family tick. I miss our debates around the dinner table - as much as I also loathe them. My family is growing. My sister is due with his first child in December and a new story begins. Ours continues and I want to catch up and meet the individuals that cared for my as a child in the place they are at now.

OK. I also want a home-cooked meal from my mom and to be coddled... but just a little bit.

MV Shoot @ Panavision

Just a few shots from a music video I worked on this weekend as an AD. I think it looks pretty incredible and I'm excited for the band!

The set.

Screenshot with Roxy the PD :)

Can't upload pictures of the costumes, but they are equally amazing. Fun day at work.

My mother just requested me on Facebook...

Nothing more interesting to say... Summer lingers on in Los Angeles.

** I always get the same cute bank teller at Chase in Culver City. She knows all of the intimate details of my financial life and I kind of feel like we're in a serious relationship.

** I always end up spending twice as long at any Trader Joe's other than my own on La Brea trying to figure out where everything is. I also get really angry whenever my TJ's changes anything (ex. switching the the bread aisle with the coffee aisle. Why?!). I always spent at least ten minutes waiting for someone to vacate one of the ten available spots in the parking lot.

** I'm find myself anticipating the next wave in the political tides. In the adult world, these issues seem to flood all other aspects of daily life. (Ex. 9/11, Global Warming, Recession)

** My mother just friend requested me on Facebook. My brother and sister have accepted said request. I on the other hand would just rather listen to my mother talk about how many "fake friends" she has than grant her access into my highly public world. I also secretly like keeping my mother guessing.

** Whether or not I stay in Los Angeles for the long term, I will always think of the city as....

1) Miracle Mile - because it's my neighborhood and home. I love the barred windows on the first floors of the duplexes and the fact that I can stand on my roof and see all parts of the city.

2) Culver City - because Culver was the original Hollywood and I feel like the industry still exists here in a less bastardized form than in the rest of the city. Also, the countless days spent working here and enjoying the downtown area, sitting outside with a cup of coffee or having a drink.

3) West Hollywood - because this area grew on me. Because despite the stereotypes and assumptions about the area, it really is a beautiful community with a number of significant memories from all areas in my life.

Not enough to write about on their own. Just a bunch of thoughts. Hope your week is going well!

On Set

Setting up moho for talent... I think I'll enjoy breakfast in this ac!

Quiet Fix

Like I mentioned before, I've been spending more of my time focusing on music as a creative outlet. As I have no piano easily at my fingertips, I've been proactive about writing lyrics and then working with friends (who do have these melodic means) to add music. Not the most pragmatic way to go about penning a song, but I'm working with what I've got! Here are some lyrics I've been working on. I'm a few songs in now...

-------------------

Tropics line the streets

Wheels and pavement meet

The earth beneath me quakes

I feel my body shake and...

Each day I search for a quiet fix

An easy sign

Slow passing time

To understand what I've missed

But I'm a wanderer. I'm a warrior

Marching towards something new.

I'm a pioneer, in spite of fear

Give me the peace I'm due

This traveler in search of a clearer view

Buildings line the streets

Cabs provide a steady fleet

Time passes in the Square

Passing me by without a care and...

Each day I search for a quiet fix

An easy sign

Slow passing time

To understand what I've missed

But I'm a wanderer. I'm a warrior

Marching towards something new.

I'm a pioneer, in spite of fear

Give me the peace I'm due

This traveler in search of a clearer view

Chasing the setting sun

Clear my mind. I have to run

Each place feels the same

How long can I remain?

And I'm a wanderer. I'm a warrior

Marching towards something new.

I'm a pioneer, in spite of fear

Give me the peace I'm due

This traveler in search of his clearer view

Happy One Year Anniversary (from Palm Springs)!!!

It's been one year since starting Crames Uprooted. Thanks for following along :)

Movie Magic Moving On Up

Here's a look at the first addition to Movie Magic Media since coming to Los Angeles last year! Slow but steady wins the race! This office is shared by Bird and myself and is dedicated to development and production. Moving on up!

My desk. Excited about all the light!

Another look!

Needless to say, I'm ecstatic about having some dedicated space and a desk. I'm also excited about my bunk-mate, Bird. I am ALSO excited about all of the organization, but that's the neurotic in me I suppose.

The New Relationship(s)

re⋅la⋅tion⋅ship

  [ri-ley-shuhn-ship]

–noun

1.	a connection, association, or involvement.

2.	connection between persons by blood or marriage.

3.	an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.

4.	a sexual involvement; affair.

Over the course of my weekend, this particular word presented itself in a multitude of forms, fashions, and functions. In nearly every sense of the word, I was forced to pry a little deeper into my existing - and subsequently past and forthcoming - relationships as Friday turned into Sunday. What I discovered are two undeniable truths:

1) Fortunately, I learn from experience. Relationships will only get better: the more I learn and experience, the more I grow.

2) Unfortunately, I learn from experience. The past is past and I can't change the relationships I've messed up and the people I've hurt.

Now that being said, I think the former outweighs the latter in a myriad of ways and should be held in a much higher regard. Still, any human with any sort of life experience will tell you that the tiniest drop of 'negative' can poison an ocean of 'positive.'

I found myself examining each definition in the above excerpt, inspecting and defining my interaction and interfacing with....

1) acquaintances, my day to day life, my world

2) my family

3) my friends and colleagues

4) my love life

I think each of these warrant their own entry; however all of them have a few core things in common. I'm realizing on a deeper level the evolution of the new relationships in my life. Whether I met you yesterday or have known you my entire life, there's a new code of conduct that applies to my life and as I function now.

First of all, I'm beyond my "transition" period in Los Angeles. As it's to be expected, any big change requires a certain amount of self-involvement in ones life in order to guard yourself and establish roots and a new identity. Unfortunately, this mechanism of survival leaves many in a the choppy wake of narcism and narrow-mindedness. Like I said, this period of my life (for now) is complete, and I have no excuse to treat any person, family member or loved one with any amount of emotional disregard.

Next, I've was reminded at the sermon this week to always stay invested in my relationships, even when things get bad. I've been a firm believer of this my whole life, but there have been instances in my recent history where I've really neglected this. I've "taken off" from many of my relationships; a few hours can been as detrimental as a few days where this matter is concerned. One minute is enough to destroy even the most established relationship. Ultimately, some occasions will need to end in a departure, but as a rule, I find that the benefit of the doubt and/or a second chance will leave you happier in the long run.

Finally, encourage and value the people you're with. The older I get the easier people seem to turn from one another when they feel their value is treated with disregard. The indescretions we experience in childhood and adolescence, the unsavory actions we permit in those relationships simply do not apply anymore. Whether this is associated with the gradual relief of social pressures or a general wear in patience, I find that special attention must be paid where egos are concerned. At the most basic level, we should lift each other up and support each other. This seemingly simple rule is one often neglected and hard to regularly maintain even in the most earnest friend.

As I see it, the new rules of the relationship will vary from person to person. These are my own assertions, although I do think they hold at least some validity for all. Take what you will. Add what you will. Leave what you will. It's all about experience. It's entirely about you. And it has nothing at all to do with you.

Hungry Man @ MMM: Something to smile about...

I spent today working on a commercial for the City of Las Vegas at Hungry Man Productions and halfway into the morning, the power in the Culver City production office went out. The a/c was not working and ants wriggled all over our production bay. After the 3rd of 4th power outage my production manager sent me on a few errands. Almost immediately after she hit me up with a text that gently read, "Hurry and get back here! We're blowing this popsicle stand. Know of any places to go work?!?!"

I offered her the ever-ready, ever-modest Movie Magic Media office. Last week, Bird worked on clearing out the adjacent room for our production office (AKA The Mark and Bird suite). I told her about the great air conditioning and the free internet. Needless to say, she excitedly obliged to my offer.

So I spent today working from my new desk for the first time! Not the most important post in recent history, but it was definitely something to smile about...

Musicality

Recently, I've found an increasing amount of people in my life that are deeply involved in music. In turn, I've been finding the inspiration to pursue a passion that's been deeply ingrained in my entire life. Unfortunately, I haven't had the money to purchase a piano this past year, so I have no way of melodically penning music. Instead, I've been focusing on lyrical composition and working with those I know have the ability and means to fill in the former.

While I've played the piano since kindergarten or about age 5, I have had little experience in composition. I've always watched others with self-conscious admiration. The ability to construct lines of music, themes, harmonies, complex rhythms etc is something I've envied of the musicians in my life. Growing up, I lacked a formal education in musical theory, so I relied on teaching myself and a few scattered lessons over the years.

Recently, however, I've enjoyed an increasing desire and clear inspiration to pursue my own music. After leaving college, I lost the resources for this creative outlet. I'm thousands of miles away from my piano and voice teachers and I cannot go to a practice room on a whim to tinker around. This loss has become a growing concern of mine and one that I now find I'm ready to actively pursue.

Writing, in general, has become a huge passion for me and I've always seen music as one of the most evocative forms of expression. I'm thankful for those people in my life that have reintroduced this to my life and I'm excited to keep moving forward with music in mind. If anything else, it'll give me a good laugh or two a few years down the line.

Which gut do I follow again?

Don't know if I should....

re-sign my apartment lease for a price break

take that 9-5

be completely honest with a potential source of significant income

let the phone ring rather than hang up after I dial... every time

But how do I....

start down a relatively unexplored, but highly desired career path in doc filmmaking

get to New York in the next month

incorporate music into my life more

keep putting one foot in front of the other

And when that's all done, do I...

feel that I've accomplished what I was supposed to

understand love more than I did a year ago

get to share what I've learned

smile because the harder choice ended up being the right one

What do I do when my gut feeling conflicts with my gut feeling?

Ghosts of Summers Past

What is it about this time of year that changes the rules of engagement for daily life? As the temperature rises, the standards of general human interaction seem to slowly slump. What is it about this weather that justifies our willingness to treat each other differently? For better or for worse, Summer affects our ability to think and act clearly with one another.

What else could explain the statistical increase in road-rage? Mine flares up as I sit in typical traffic or I struggle to find parking in the usual spots. Out of the car, my work decorum quickly fizzles when yet another ego neglects to uphold their end of a bargain. Generally speaking, my temper rises with the temperature.

Conversely, what else could account for the statistical increase in the libido? What percentage of summer romances - whose purpose typically serve us through the lonely winter months and politely fade into oblivion when the earth warms for another likely summer - end unjustly under the guise of autumnal emotions. Worse, what percentage of these get filed under "Growing Experience" or "I Wasn't Ready" and are cast away before they can even ripen?

I find myself indulging in this limitlessness Summer emotive state.

There is a general increase in the heightened state of emotion in my day to day life during these months. I find myself reminiscing more about the past few Summers. Old friends singing old songs, new friends sharing firsts, new experiences in general; I keep thinking about the defining characteristics of my Summer months. I try to recall my state of mind. Every Summer conjures up a singular, definitive experience and/or a particular emotional state.

So, every time I lie in bed and feel the warm air across my face or I smell the warm earth or I taste the salt of my own perspiration, I experience a great love or last picnic in our Fortress of Solitude or a loud Sunday dinner teaming with political satire. I am having great difficulty disassociating these overwhelming memories with my present senses.

I also wouldn't have it any other way.

Listo de Nostalgia

Feeling a little lost in nostalgia of late. I think this is because I've been spending a lot of my time...

1) sifting through my entire iphoto library not just once, but multiple times.

2) doing the same and trying to piece together my old apartments.

3) thinking a great deal about New York and the people living on that island.

4) embracing every moment of spanish conversation - the inability to understand what is going on is kind of comforting.

5) listening to my ipod on shuffle... and clicking next until it's a song I associated with last summer.

6) day dreaming more and more about having Sunday dinner with my family.

7) looking up plane tickets to different cities.

8) trying to justify reasons for purchasing said tickets.

9) damn it.

10) making lists.

Maximum Capacity

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like lately, but I've been filling a little overwhelmed. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that I'm loosing the ability to juggle work with my personal life. Again, I'm not complaining by any means - especially in this economic environment, especially in freelance production - being busy is a huge blessing.

Since getting back from Spain I have been piggy-backing producing a short film for Tullio Productions with another short for Movie Magic. On top of this, I helped coordinate a documentary spec with Robert Adanto (A Rising Tide) which is continuing in pre-production and I'm sitting in at my old job at HSI. Needless to say, my personal life has gone a bit to the wayside, but I'm sure that will right itself when another production lull slaps me to the ground.

I know I've spoken on the topic many times before, but I can't get over how seamlessly time passes in Los Angeles. I can't believe it's July now. More than a year here and I couldn't tell you summer from winter. I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in a bio-dome. Hermetically sealed away from the rest of the world. Every now and then, a report will come in from Philly or Boston or New York. A breeze from the outside world will follow quickly after. For a brief moment, my nostrils will fill with the air of another world and set in motion a thousand and one thoughts and ideas in my head about the coming year. Luckily, the sweet aroma dissipates quickly and I forget about these things and hunker back into my comfortable, protected zone.

Still, pervasive thoughts of career moves and physical moves creep into my brain throughout the day and I wonder what life is like beyond the safety of my glass walls. The thoughts are quelled during these period of intensity; work drowning out the inevitable over-thinking and over-sharing and over-justification of my own life.

To be honest, I'm looking forward to this Friday; no work and a holiday weekend filled (hopefully) with friends, with eating and with drinking. I can't wait to spend a day at the beach and do nothing but revel in a month well-spent with hard work and satisfying accomplishments. Then, after a few days, I'm sure I'll post something else about how panicked I am over the lack of work and the lack of understanding of my life here.

At least I put that off since returning from Spain. I think I can keep putting it off until I spend at least one day on the beach, not worrying about anything.

AI Registration

Rose Bowl at 5:30 am

Strange

Driving home...

"Quarter-Life Crisis"

I stepped off the plane from my two-week trip to Madrid and returned to a Los Angeles in the thick of Summer. Early Summers in LA are literally overshadowed by "June Gloom," that 14-21 day period where the sun fights a futile battle against an unrelenting Marine layer. This Wednesday evening was no different. I stepped off the plane and inhaled the thick air. Somehow, the air maintains its dense consistency without the help of humidity or condensation.

Mere moments after leaving my tiny, uncomfortable prison of a seat on the American Airlines jet, the "Spain Hangover" (as my mother so kindly put it) began. Something was, and is, different about this particular case of wander-lust. It began in Madrid, during a conversation I had with a friend I made while standing on my veranda. We talked for a while across the way, then met up for a walk. This was rather typical of my experience with Madrid - the city survives on social interaction. Meeting people and eating, drinking, smoking together, joining random groups and parties; you're never alone. Even being alone in Madrid means leaning out of your window over the railing and watching the people below you and around you all doing the same; acknowledging each other.

During our walk, my new friend asked why I was in Madrid, how I liked Los Angeles and what it is I was doing with my life. The standard rundown for any new acquaintance, but for some reason, I found difficultly in finding the right words. I knew why I had come to Madrid: Wes had his exhibit in PhotoEspana '09, tickets were cheap, my lifelong best friend Jeff and I needed an excuse to see each other and I just wanted to get away. I know how I like Los Angeles: it's like being in a relationship; you meet it, fall in love, the honeymoon ends, you get in fights, sleep on separate sides of the bed and then make up.

The problematic question, however; the question I couldn't seem to answer: What am I doing with my life. I can say, "Well, I'm currently freelancing in film, music video and commercial production as a PA, coordinator and more recently, independent producer. I'm also working on my acting career and, really, I'm just hustling to survive during this shit-tank of an economy."

That's the simple, rehearsed answer.

But this growing restlessness inside of me prevented any such response to my friend. There was a strange level of trust with this person and I felt the need to overindulge in this answer. So I said, "To be honest, I don't know really what I'm doing with my life. A year after graduating college, I'm feeling a more lost than I ever have." The words left my mouth and took my breath along with it. I hadn't yet verbalized my discontent, and suddenly, I was exactly what I said I was. Lost.

There has been a growing discourse among my peer group the past month, and especially in the last few weeks, about the "quarter-life crisis." Somewhere in your twenties, you're likely to find yourself lost in a whirlpool of professional decisions, responsibility and adult pander. Suddenly, after spending all of the money to graduate college, obtain a degree and move to a new city for work, you wonder if you've really made any progress at all. Did I waste all of this money on a degree whose field I now resent?

Yesterday, I went for a run last night during the twilight hours. After my body warmed up, I hit my stride; that point in your workout where my body feels like it will run forever, ceaselessly, boundlessly. As time ticks away and the ground passes beneath you, slowly you feel the pull of your muscles. You feel the contractions of the strain take hold and suddenly your body is heavy. You push and push until your reach the finish line as if you can only take one my step. You realize that your body cannot, in fact, last forever. That it has its breaking point.

That initial stride, that feeling of infinite energy is similar to how I felt when moving to LA. I graduated a year early, I made the leap of faith and started my run before the shotgun even sounded. The warmup in Los Angeles was difficult, but I eventually hit a stride. Now, after a year my legs are feeling heavy and on my run yesterday, I finally felt the effects of a few too many cigarettes at a few too many dimly lit bars in Madrid.

I'm trying to think this about all of these feelings with respect to my current culture shock. I'm doing my best to not be overly reactionary. I'm trying to move forward with my plans and in the spirit of doing so, I attended a meeting with an acting manager I had set up prior to leaving for vacation. Honoring this appointment left me with some really great advice, an excellent contact and an open door for possible future representation. But, to my dismay, I found myself feigning interest while I spoke with him. Even worse, I walked out of the meeting and my gut delicately whispered: "You don't want this."

As if pushing aside my diaphragm and intestines and stabbing me in the heart, my gut effectively threw yet another wrench in the works. I don't want this right now. Acting has been my passion my entire life and now it's time to step up my game, but I can't even seem to get my shoes tied properly. I realized that I might not be ready to settle down and pursue a career like with all of my being. I'm not ready to commit to the lifestyle. I want to experience more, meet more people, eat more food. I want to see the good and the bad and be a student of experience.

I don't think I can wrap this entry up with a neat little bow. I don't think there is really a way to end this train of thought, because it's constantly moving. I'm still thinking and as more possibilities come into focus, the more I realize why this time of my life is referred to as my "quarter-life crisis." Luckily, I know that with the exhaustion that accompanies every run, also comes more strength to run again. So tomorrow morning, I'll wake up, my body rested, and run again.

Tangent: A Breath of Fresh Air

I never noticed the crickets chirping during the nights in Los Angeles. I don't know why. Maybe because associate this twilight soundscape with the balmy Summer months on the east coast; lying in bed on top of my sheets, sweating to death in my boxers, just waiting for their ambient chants to lull me to sleep. So, in the land where Autumn never comes; where Summer lasts forever, who's to blame me for this negligence?

After getting a cup of coffee with one of my best friends, recounting my recent trip to Madrid, I decided to go for a late run. The early night was especially cool, the air pure. I felt like I could really breath - a rare occasion in this smog-soaked city. I heard the crickets for the first time. I could smell the earth and my legs felt boundless. I don't know why, but my mind locked into this I run. And I flew.

Suddenly, my mind felt immensely clear. I could think. This writer's block I described in the entries preceding my vacation all but vanished. A weight lifted off of my shoulders and ideas began running through my head. I could hear the crickets.

My feet carried me home, sweat expelling the last three weeks of indulging the world; the excessive drinks, food, cigarettes, conversations, sights and sounds of a foreign landscape. I hear the crickets outside my open windows. I hear children wandering the streets, skateboards chugging along the cracks of the sidewalk, wild laughs and social jabs echoing through the neighborhood. School is out.

Summer is here. I left Los Angeles two weeks ago in the state it's always in. I ventured away from its stasis and returned here to the summer, to $4.00 a gallon of gas, to June gloom, to crickets chirping. I have no idea if they chirp all year long here. I guess I never took the time to listen. And now I've completely strayed from my original topic. Let me try this again...

The Adventure Begins!

I'm sitting in Dulles International Airport in Washington D.C. with the first leg of my trip behind me. I neck deep in a guide to Spain that Irwin Levin gave me and all I can think about is amazing wines, great museums, fascinating people and the company of my best, best friend Jeff.

I don't know what technology I'll have to effectively relay the experience, but I suppose it might be best to have none; experience it and compartmentalize (as I know I eventually will) later.

I can't believe how busy my days have been lately with the film and trying to get ready for today. Luckily, I succeeded with only a few minor hickups. Luckily again, I had a few good men to help me sort it all out! I made it and I'm on my way!

I will be back June 10 in the evening. Until then, enjoy your weeks and I'll see you on the other side :)

Option 4

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past month. Luckily, I haven't had time to think much the past few days as I booked a gig production managing a short film with these two French directors. More on that later.

I'm running on an empty tank as each day is met with new production challenges. On top of this prepro madness, I'm gearing up to travel to Madrid, Spain for two weeks next Thursday. My roommate J. Wesley Brown has been accepted into a festival there for his photography and tickets were extremely cheap, so I took the chance to have an adventure.

As my days have been filling more and more with freelance work, thoughts of the future continue to infiltrate my daily regime. With each passing day, I've been considering more and more a fourth option in the list I presented last week. Do you have something that makes your heart race? An idea that gets your blood moving and brain synapses firing a mile a minute? I have a growing passion to see the world and how others live/struggle/survive. I want to immerse myself in a culture for months at a time and experience what they experience.

I've always said that my second career would be one in documentary filmmaking. As the summer months begin, my lease is coming up on my apartment and no full-time job in place - I'm (secretly) excited at my lack of structure; at the countless directions in which my life could progress. The reality of my life is that I could move anywhere, take classes, start getting into this career now. I could spend my time learning and growing and extending my passions towards something meaningful and fulfilling. Living in LA and seeing how involved people become in their ladders, their personal growth - this microcosm that we've all come to hold so dear - I want to see more. I want to know what the rest of the world is like an share this with people.

Still, something still pulls me to pursue acting and a career in the mainstream. My brain is battling these opposing forces. Isn't life too short to be waste pursuing a career that seems like the right (or more impressive) choice? Isn't the economy weak enough and jobs scarce enough, that staying in school and avoiding interest on my loans makes more sense? Or, do I stick to my guns and let this autumn career keep its rightful place in my life?

I believe this trip to Spain is going to offer insight to my dilemma. I think being in a different culture might open my eyes to new options and directions for my life. Maybe I'll come back in two weeks and be most thankful for what I already have. I'm not unhappy with my life by any means; I'm just realizing that life is going to take me places I never planned or imagined. I can feel something new coming in my life. The ground is shaking a little and I feel the tremor, but now I'm waiting for the quake to strike. What that will be and what it will mean has yet to be determined. I guess until I know, I'll keep anticipating and guessing and thinking. That's good enough for now.

Good Morning

Spending my Saturday morning above Downtown

Day In and Day Out

This week has been one full of thought. A lot of pondering and evaluating and reevaluating and contemplating and deconstructing and .... it's only Tuesday. I've become a person who's opinions change daily. It's funny how a job ties your world together. It provides a steady schedule, a regulated income, a commitment, a reason to stay, a place to go, a sense of purpose - the list goes on.

While shopping in Trader Joe's today, as I scoured the pasta sauces for my selection, I overheard an older woman speaking to one of the store clerks. "You know why I'm upset? Because today is my first day not at my job after 30 years of working...." Why does our work define everything of who we are? This social disposition is not only inherited, but proudly passed down the generations like a precious family heirloom - that ugly figurine that no one, after 200 years of being in the family has the guts to throw against a wall. It sits there, antiquated, idle, useless in our homes.

Like our heirlooms, this vestige of human working culture continues to grow with each passing generation. With my generation, our twenties are no longer considered a time for "finding oneself," it's now expected to be the peak of your career. I wish someone would declare this ideology irrelevant. I wish someone would throw this tacky figurine against the damn wall. As the weeks pass and no commitment in a full-time job presents itself, I'm beginning to feel like I'm not supposed to have this constant in my life.

I run lists in my head all day - endless equations that lead to countless summations of my life. I don't think there has been, or ever will be, an easy answer in this area of my life (or any area really). I think I'm always going to be searching for the next big thing, the next experience that will define those preceding years of my life.

I get stuck in that endless train of thought we all hit now and again: What path should I take? Where should I be? Am I making the right decision? And then I think... why bother worrying about it. If there's one thing I've learned this year it's that worrying gets you nowhere. So what are my options?

Option 1: Full-Time Sell Out

Cash in my dreams temporarily and work a full-time job, not necessarily in the entertainment field. Full-time work means full-time pay means little financial worries now. I can pursue my dreams later.

Option 2: Freelance Twitch-fest

Continue to hustle and whore myself out to different production teams. Trust that if I continue to pay it forward then I'll find myself provided for at the end of the every month. This option allows me to also act and pursue this career, but the reality is that faith in this system still leaves me nervous.

Option 3: FML I'm a Waiter.... I mean "actor"

Settle into this stereotypical lifestyle that I, for some reason, cannot seem to wrap my head around. Work long hours at a job that offers little to the imagination so that I could pursue the dream of acting full-time.

Day to day, my mind evaluates and reevaluates these options. I think I'm further along then most people my age though as I know all the necessary ingredients for my life - I simply haven't quite figured out the recipe. I'll keep trying different combinations until I get this thing right. In the meanwhile, I can always preheat the oven. That should buy me some time. If not, there's always "Option 4" ...

23rd Birthday

So, in an effort to feel caught up with this thing, here's a quick review of my 23rd Birthday!

Amazing food. Amazing friends.

Alex tells a good story.

The Odd Couple.

Lady R.

Rachel. Always classy.

Where'd you come from?

Well, if you insist!

I consider myself a very lucky person to be where I am at this point in my life. I've been living in LA a year now - which I can't believe - and I feel grounded and happy with my life. As I said before, my situation changes daily, but even in this uncertainty, there's a great sense of peace and happiness in having a home, a core of friends and a family that I can rely on.

Needless to say, my birthday reminded me that I have a great deal to be thankful for. I have a good feeling about 23.

Work Force Chameleon

Sorry for the delay in entrees, but as of late, I have been wholly uninspired to write a single thing. I don't know why, but everything feels like a labor. Sitting down, constructing clever thoughts and thinking about any picture larger than today just doesn't seem possible. It's amazing how much my life changes on a daily basis. Now in my second month of "unemployment," I no longer consider myself unemployed.

First of all, I want to make it clear that although the last several entrees have revolved around my current occupational shortcomings, I by no mean intend to diminish the struggles of anyone else. I don't see my state as a unique one, nor do I think that my plight is heavier than the burden or anyone else in my situation.

That being said, I no longer consider myself unemployed. I have taken the the world of freelance. This world is populated by hustlers, climbers, jacks and janes of every trade and the veritable swiss-army of assistants. We're everywhere, pushing and clawing for the next gig. Waiting patiently until our next payload. Networking intricate webs of work-related connections that would make Charlotte jealous.

Is it steady? No.

Is is safe? No.

Does that make it even more gratifying to succeed in freelance? Yes.

I consider myself a pretty self-aware person. Knowing me, I'll look back on this time in my life when I have steady work and pay and I'll long for the rag tag days of yore. The thrill of the chase and the satisfaction in a job well-earned and a job well-done.

There's nothing quite like production. You find yourself in a new situation every single day. Each morning you wake up and don a new hat: The personal assistant, the artist, the casting director, the coordinator, the handler, the stylist, the right-hand man. It's a new challenge every turn and every challenge is met by a team of people devoted to a single goal. Your crew becomes your family: you help each other, you fight and bicker, you rely on each other and eventually you congratulate each other on a job well done (or - eventually - you laugh together at a job miserably failed).

This has become my life. I hustle for the next job - the next paycheck. I work 18 hour days so I can take weeks off at a time. I sit back and trust God that all of these things will fall into place and I'll be OK. As a matter of fact, I don't think there's any other way I could survive in this field - but to have faith.

On set

I don't even know if they used this thing...

Sunrise on Capitol Records

On set call time 4am.... The sun's coming up.

Summer comes before Spring

The past few days have been incredible. The temperature has not dropped below 80 degrees, even at night. Growing up in New England, I've become accustomed to the seasons drastically changing - watching, as every few months the world around me reconstructs itself into this new entity.

When I moved to LA, I feared that the monotony of the "perfect, sunny" disposition would wear on me. I feared the urge to run away to a new place would come. I have a hard time staying in one place for too long and I worried that yet another static element - the "California stasis" - would throw me over the edge into this familiar state or restlessness.

Well, after being here a year, I realize that LA, too, has seasons. They are subtle, but they are there. Last night, I felt something familiar. I walked into the apartment, every window open, my roommate sitting in his rolled-pants, listening to something easy and melodic. We sat on the roof and shared a beer. Later, I walked around the neighborhood and took stock of my surroundings as the last light finally flickered out from the sky.

As we sat on my stoop, I realized that this feeling of contentment was based on a memory. For the first time since moving to LA, I was recalling memories from last summer. Everything about Los Angeles the past year has been about experiencing something new. My first trip here, my first trip there, my first Christmas in Los Angeles, my first drive to the desert; the list goes on. But, for the first time, I feel like I could recall something that was completely mine. I wasn't experiencing something through someone else's filter or mind's eye.

I'm getting ready for the long warm nights of summer. Those nights that never end. California dreaming indeed.

The best part about the advance of summer is that I don't have the urge to run away. I feel happy sitting on my stoop for another summer, watching the days pass by. It has been a struggle my whole life to feel secure and grounded in one place for an extended period of time.

Sure, everything isn't easy and simple and carefree, but that California monotony which I feared so much, has turned into one of the saving graces of my life here.

The (Emotional) State of the Union

Here's another little ditty for you.

Where to start? This month has been a roller coaster to say the least. My patience and faith have been actively tested day in and day out. Again, I'm still unemployed and that lends itself to a lot of thinking. Thinking - I'll start there. All this emotional stuff that is boiling inside of me. When this whole period of unemployment began, I found myself waking up every few days in a cold sweat. Sure, it's nice to have time to yourself and time to do your own thing, but if you're not careful, you'll find yourself spiraling into an uncontrollable, emotional abyss filled with self-doubt, pity and anger.

I try to keep busy when I'm not applying for jobs, but I've found myself in said abyss a number of days. I've spent days thinking and thinking and thinking. I've become more self-involved. I've starting having diarrhea of the mouth. I've begun taking people for granted.

I've said this before - without the love and support of my my friends and family - I would be nowhere right now, and I have actively thanked those people this past month. Still, I'm realizing that I possess another side. A side that expects more from certain people. Generally the rule seems that the closer I am to someone - the more I expect them to hold me up. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but in some cases, I've forgotten that everyone has their own personal woes. I need to listen as much as I talk. I need to absorb as much as I expel. I need to give as much as I take.

To those people whom I've exhibited this behavior with, I'm sorry. In times like this, when we're in a constant state of heightened stress and emotion, it's important to step ourside your own world and see the people around you. If you isolate yourself and focus only on you, then you miss the solutions and the stress relievers and the laughter.

I fear that this emotional stress has taken a toll on some of my relationships. I found myself snapping at a caregiver, blowing off brother and yelling at a similarly distraught friend. And while most of the issues I decided to focus on with these people are valid and need to be dealt with, I chose an inopportune time and an invalid way of expressing my thoughts. For that I'm also sorry.

There's a deeply rooted lesson here about anger management and I think it involves a lot of breathing, a lot of self-awareness and in my case, an awful lot of prayer. In many ways, I've found successes through these hardships and, in other ways, I've lost a lot of my own emotional insight.