Day In and Day Out

This week has been one full of thought. A lot of pondering and evaluating and reevaluating and contemplating and deconstructing and .... it's only Tuesday. I've become a person who's opinions change daily. It's funny how a job ties your world together. It provides a steady schedule, a regulated income, a commitment, a reason to stay, a place to go, a sense of purpose - the list goes on.

While shopping in Trader Joe's today, as I scoured the pasta sauces for my selection, I overheard an older woman speaking to one of the store clerks. "You know why I'm upset? Because today is my first day not at my job after 30 years of working...." Why does our work define everything of who we are? This social disposition is not only inherited, but proudly passed down the generations like a precious family heirloom - that ugly figurine that no one, after 200 years of being in the family has the guts to throw against a wall. It sits there, antiquated, idle, useless in our homes.

Like our heirlooms, this vestige of human working culture continues to grow with each passing generation. With my generation, our twenties are no longer considered a time for "finding oneself," it's now expected to be the peak of your career. I wish someone would declare this ideology irrelevant. I wish someone would throw this tacky figurine against the damn wall. As the weeks pass and no commitment in a full-time job presents itself, I'm beginning to feel like I'm not supposed to have this constant in my life.

I run lists in my head all day - endless equations that lead to countless summations of my life. I don't think there has been, or ever will be, an easy answer in this area of my life (or any area really). I think I'm always going to be searching for the next big thing, the next experience that will define those preceding years of my life.

I get stuck in that endless train of thought we all hit now and again: What path should I take? Where should I be? Am I making the right decision? And then I think... why bother worrying about it. If there's one thing I've learned this year it's that worrying gets you nowhere. So what are my options?

Option 1: Full-Time Sell Out

Cash in my dreams temporarily and work a full-time job, not necessarily in the entertainment field. Full-time work means full-time pay means little financial worries now. I can pursue my dreams later.

Option 2: Freelance Twitch-fest

Continue to hustle and whore myself out to different production teams. Trust that if I continue to pay it forward then I'll find myself provided for at the end of the every month. This option allows me to also act and pursue this career, but the reality is that faith in this system still leaves me nervous.

Option 3: FML I'm a Waiter.... I mean "actor"

Settle into this stereotypical lifestyle that I, for some reason, cannot seem to wrap my head around. Work long hours at a job that offers little to the imagination so that I could pursue the dream of acting full-time.

Day to day, my mind evaluates and reevaluates these options. I think I'm further along then most people my age though as I know all the necessary ingredients for my life - I simply haven't quite figured out the recipe. I'll keep trying different combinations until I get this thing right. In the meanwhile, I can always preheat the oven. That should buy me some time. If not, there's always "Option 4" ...