Day In and Day Out

This week has been one full of thought. A lot of pondering and evaluating and reevaluating and contemplating and deconstructing and .... it's only Tuesday. I've become a person who's opinions change daily. It's funny how a job ties your world together. It provides a steady schedule, a regulated income, a commitment, a reason to stay, a place to go, a sense of purpose - the list goes on.

While shopping in Trader Joe's today, as I scoured the pasta sauces for my selection, I overheard an older woman speaking to one of the store clerks. "You know why I'm upset? Because today is my first day not at my job after 30 years of working...." Why does our work define everything of who we are? This social disposition is not only inherited, but proudly passed down the generations like a precious family heirloom - that ugly figurine that no one, after 200 years of being in the family has the guts to throw against a wall. It sits there, antiquated, idle, useless in our homes.

Like our heirlooms, this vestige of human working culture continues to grow with each passing generation. With my generation, our twenties are no longer considered a time for "finding oneself," it's now expected to be the peak of your career. I wish someone would declare this ideology irrelevant. I wish someone would throw this tacky figurine against the damn wall. As the weeks pass and no commitment in a full-time job presents itself, I'm beginning to feel like I'm not supposed to have this constant in my life.

I run lists in my head all day - endless equations that lead to countless summations of my life. I don't think there has been, or ever will be, an easy answer in this area of my life (or any area really). I think I'm always going to be searching for the next big thing, the next experience that will define those preceding years of my life.

I get stuck in that endless train of thought we all hit now and again: What path should I take? Where should I be? Am I making the right decision? And then I think... why bother worrying about it. If there's one thing I've learned this year it's that worrying gets you nowhere. So what are my options?

Option 1: Full-Time Sell Out

Cash in my dreams temporarily and work a full-time job, not necessarily in the entertainment field. Full-time work means full-time pay means little financial worries now. I can pursue my dreams later.

Option 2: Freelance Twitch-fest

Continue to hustle and whore myself out to different production teams. Trust that if I continue to pay it forward then I'll find myself provided for at the end of the every month. This option allows me to also act and pursue this career, but the reality is that faith in this system still leaves me nervous.

Option 3: FML I'm a Waiter.... I mean "actor"

Settle into this stereotypical lifestyle that I, for some reason, cannot seem to wrap my head around. Work long hours at a job that offers little to the imagination so that I could pursue the dream of acting full-time.

Day to day, my mind evaluates and reevaluates these options. I think I'm further along then most people my age though as I know all the necessary ingredients for my life - I simply haven't quite figured out the recipe. I'll keep trying different combinations until I get this thing right. In the meanwhile, I can always preheat the oven. That should buy me some time. If not, there's always "Option 4" ...

Unemployment: Week 2

A week has passed and another week moves on. Since we last spoke, I've had three interviews, worked on a video and lined up some assistant gigs. Other notables include being awarded unemployment by the state of California, having an SUV almost crash through the large window in my living room and hiking, a lot of hiking.

Remember that time I said that transitory part of my life (and this blog) had mostly come to an end? Maybe I spoke to soon, but I think it's more likely that I just misspoke. Transition is an ongoing, ever-evolving part of our daily lives. We are creatures designed to adapt - from one situation to the next, one job to the next, one relationship to the next - you get the picture. Just when you think you have figured everything out in your life, God or the universe or whatever you believe in throws you curve ball. It knocks you down and its up to you to pick up the pieces and regroup.

This new lifestyle has been very bittersweet. I love having all of this time to myself to get my administrative tasks done, to meet with friends, to be out in the sun. Conversely, I hate having all of this time to myself, to live in silence and thought, to worry about where my income is going to come from. Then again, it's given me time to think about better things, explore Los Angeles more and pray. Do you see where I am going with this?

Despite all of this pseudo-intellectual surmising and pontification (you like that?), I can say one thing with absolute certainty. I've been shown a great deal of support from my family and friends. For this I'm truly thankful. I've found energy and motivation in talking to my ongoing support system and in finding new ways to reconnect with my growing system out here. Never underestimate the power of showing someone you care. The smallest sign of understanding and concern can go a long, long way.

And for this, I thank you all!

In Retrospect: Boston to LA

I just got home to LA from my vacation in Boston. This was the first time since graduating in May that I have returned. My four days in the city were full of reunions, cold weather and thinking. Per the usual, getting a fresh perspective on my life was an underlying priority. I'm finding now that leaving LA almost always becomes about obtaining a new vantage point. Where have I been? Where am I going? Just, keeping myself in check really.

For the most part, walking around Boston was refreshing, a welcome familiarity. There were times, however, when I felt displaced and apart from that life; like I was walking in the shadows or past an impression of my own experiences.

Walking through the snow in the Commons

Coffee at 1 Charles St. Starbucks

A pint at the Hill Tavern

Small, cozy apartments stuffed with books and used furniture.

Warped, wood floors curving around small hallways.

Gas lamp lined streets...

Beacon Hill

Beacon Hill always makes me feel good inside. No matter how rough my day might have been or what social drama had unfolded, there was something about returning to Beacon Hill and feeling safe. I never realized how isolated this part of Boston remains. Despite its acessibility numerous T lines and its location in the center of downtown; Beacon Hill feels remote and separate. It puts my mind at rest and feels safe. I never realized it before.

Other parts of the city made my head pulse; strange memories coursing through my brain. It wasn't any one particular memory, but a simple, distinct feeling of the past. Feeling nostalgic and feeling like you're in the past are two very different feelings. Nostalgia, is just that - but living in the past can be a scary feeling. I realized that the vast majority of Boston feels like the past to me. I found myself missing Los Angeles. At first this saddened me, that I couldn't remain present enough to enjoy my time off, but then I realized the significance of this longing.

I realized half way through my trip that I missed LA because I missed my home. I realized that my decision to stay in LA was the correct choice, that the comfort of this seemingly alien place had replaced the fear and longing of familiarity with a new semblance of happiness. I can miss and appreciate my home while enjoying my time apart from it. I can have both.

This is unbelievable considering the state of mind in which I started this journey. I began this blog to help chronicle my transition into adulthood. I came to Los Angeles with a scant amount friends, very little money, no family within thousands of miles of me and no home. As I enter the last quarter of my first year here, I realize that I have jumped every one of these hurdles. I've added volumes to my personal encyclopedia:

I have earned my stay here
and found a home
Scavenged and fought for my own necessities
and remained financially independent of my family
I weathered the post-graduation slump
but remembered how to laugh at myself
I found God
and remembered what it means to believe in myself
I have felt successful, unstoppable
and completely helpless
I know now what it means to love
and learned the value of loneliness
I have felt pure joy at the prospect of having it all
and total fear at the thought of losing everything

Life is this series of contradictions. Revelations happen in pairs. I'm thankful for this vacation and for my incessant need to get perspective. From Boston to LA, I feel like I'm coming to the end of this transitory period of my life for which the outset of this blog was meant. Now, it's about a series of steps; putting one foot in front of the other and always moving forward.

Boston is my memory, LA is my present and I'm feeling very prepared for whatever shape my future takes.