The Modern Handmaid's Tale of the 2016 Election
7 years ago
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey
It's been seven months since my last flight. My destination was anew home in Los Angeles. All of my flights are delayed ... It's good to go back.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Hey All!
I promised myself that after graduating college, I would keep in touch with the people that made a difference in my life up to this point. I penned this list on the plane to Los Angeles 7 months ago. A lot has happened since graduating Emerson College in May. Some things haven't changed much. I wanted to take this chance to first and foremost say thank you for everything you taught me and the skills you pushed me to acquire. It sounds contrived, but really, I wouldn't be where I am now without your guidance and help!
I went into Emerson College as an Acting BFA and rather than re-auditioning at the end of my second year for the studio, I decided that I would switch to the BA program and graduate a year early. So, I graduated this past May with a degree in Theatre Studies: Acting and Directing. I packed up in Boston and 4 days later moved to Los Angeles. Although I had walked in graduation, I spent my first two months in Los Angeles participating in Emerson's LA Program. I did my best to use this time as a launching pad for my transition in my new home. As many of you know, I spent the past several summers working in Los Angeles - living in cheap apartments and figuring out the traffic patterns. I was lucky enough to work for companies like HBO, Abrams Artist Agency and at Sunset Gower Studios.
This summer, in accordance with the LA Program, I took on another full time internship along with two classes (The Business of Acting and a Screenwriter's Workshop). So five days a week, I worked at HSI Productions (commercial and music video production) as an assistant to the Executive Producer of Music Video and the VP of the company from 9-6 and then went to class in Burbank from 7-10:30. Needless to say, this summer wasn't much of a break. I had a great opportunity though. I was lucky enough to graduate early and move to Los Angeles without the stress of finding a job, apartment or car immediately. Instead, these two months allowed me to fashion all of this and a life for myself before the last day of class - making for a pretty seamless transition.
Sounds like roses right? Wrong. I can honestly say that these first few months were some of the most stressful in my life. Panicked job interviews, getting a good deal on an apartment - trying to feel at home... all of these things severely weighed me down. I ended up staying with HSI Productions as a full time 2nd Assistant. I got into this entirely new world of production I'd never even considered, but after months of working here, my emotional changes were becoming a larger force than the physical changes. I kept asking myself why I moved to LA in the first place? What were my passions. I learned that although I have man interests and many career goals - the people that rise to the top are those who focus on one thing. They give 110% to a dream and pursue it at all costs.
I have fought my whole life over this. I gave my maximum effort to many areas - I stretched myself thin. I became a jack of all trade (master of none!) I knew that I had to take this opportunity - this time new life - to change my focus to one area. I came to LA to act. With this in mind, I planned on quitting the security of my job at HSI to pursue acting and waiting tables. How fortunate that HSI beat me to the punch? In the wake of the economic downturn I was laid off as my company was loosing money. They were nice enough to promise me at least 3 day weeks until the end of the year. What did this mean for me? Another frantic job hunt! Getting creative with my finances! I decided that I would hit freelance production full force - PAing on sets, trying to get gigs as a production coordinator - on the track to becoming a producer.
It's funny how we panic when our lives are turned upside down. We scramble and push to regain control over the pieces of our lives, but when it comes down to it, the pieces fall back into place on their own. On the last day of my full time position I was walking out the door when one of the executives stopped me. One of the director's assistants had decided to quit and move from LA with his family. This left the position open. I was to sit desk temporarily. The next week, it became a permanent position. I know what you're thinking: "But Mark! What about pursuing your dreams and sticking to one passion?" I decided "Screw my dreams! I need money!" Actually, I 'm kidding. I kept the job because I sat down with the director and explained to him my realizations. He encouraged me to leave the office and get away from my desk. He wants me to turn my cell phone off during auditions so he can't bother me. He was me to produce my one work. There's a lot of downtime as a director's assistant - as he is often not in the office due to work and travel. I have been blessed with a job that every actor wants - steady pay and ultimate flexibility.
So this is where I am now. After seven months of panic and worrying and a big, toothy grin, I feel like I've finally arrived. I have a wonderful apartment that feels like home. I have a job that gives me the freedom to pursue my dreams 110%. And I'm slowly building a life here with friends and relationships.
Aside from the stress and anxiety of being a senior in college, graduating, making a transcontinental move, finding a home and a job ... 2008 has been a year of emotional growth as well. My heart has never been heavier to make a change. After my best friend's father passed away this past spring, I saw a drastic shift in my life. Suddenly, I was an adult. I sit at my desk sometimes just thinking about how I got here. That's very hard to do. When you're in grade school and middle school, high school and college - there's an end goal. There's your 13th birthday, then the 16th, 18th and 21st. There's parties and privileges. There's the first lead you get in the school play. There's the first time your parents let you go to the mall alone with your friends or your first drink.
And now? It feels like I'm free-falling. I know I'm moving, but I can't tell which way is up. I'm addicted to the freedom, but sometimes I'm frightened by it's inevitability. I've changed so much this past year. I'm realizing that adult friendships aren't about convenience like they are in high school - they are about accommodating the lives of many people. You work for the friendships you love - even if they live 3000 miles away. I'm realizing that my life is going to keep moving forward despite me. I've found a relationship with God that I fell away from for so long. I found a great church and community that makes me feel less alone and realize that everyone has problems and things that hold them back.
Most importantly, I realized how blessed I've been throughout my life. People like you were put in my way and affected the the direction of my journey. You taught me something that still rings in my head every time I make a decision. I've seen victory and I've seen tragedy. I've been brought to the edge of my will, but in the end, I've never NOT been provided for. I've realized that life is a battle with faith - having faith that things will work themselves out, that you will not perish, that life is about taking chances and taking a leap of faith towards an unknown outcome. In this way we become fearless. I'm not saying that I'm fearless - but i'm well on my way and this is, in part, because of you.
So as the year winds down and we celebrate with our families - I want to say thank you for giving me courage and helping me this far. It hasn't gone unnoticed.
Have a Happy Holiday and a wonderful New Year!
Best,
Mark Cramer
I promised myself that after graduating college, I would keep in touch with the people that made a difference in my life up to this point. I penned this list on the plane to Los Angeles 7 months ago. A lot has happened since graduating Emerson College in May. Some things haven't changed much. I wanted to take this chance to first and foremost say thank you for everything you taught me and the skills you pushed me to acquire. It sounds contrived, but really, I wouldn't be where I am now without your guidance and help!
I went into Emerson College as an Acting BFA and rather than re-auditioning at the end of my second year for the studio, I decided that I would switch to the BA program and graduate a year early. So, I graduated this past May with a degree in Theatre Studies: Acting and Directing. I packed up in Boston and 4 days later moved to Los Angeles. Although I had walked in graduation, I spent my first two months in Los Angeles participating in Emerson's LA Program. I did my best to use this time as a launching pad for my transition in my new home. As many of you know, I spent the past several summers working in Los Angeles - living in cheap apartments and figuring out the traffic patterns. I was lucky enough to work for companies like HBO, Abrams Artist Agency and at Sunset Gower Studios.
This summer, in accordance with the LA Program, I took on another full time internship along with two classes (The Business of Acting and a Screenwriter's Workshop). So five days a week, I worked at HSI Productions (commercial and music video production) as an assistant to the Executive Producer of Music Video and the VP of the company from 9-6 and then went to class in Burbank from 7-10:30. Needless to say, this summer wasn't much of a break. I had a great opportunity though. I was lucky enough to graduate early and move to Los Angeles without the stress of finding a job, apartment or car immediately. Instead, these two months allowed me to fashion all of this and a life for myself before the last day of class - making for a pretty seamless transition.
Sounds like roses right? Wrong. I can honestly say that these first few months were some of the most stressful in my life. Panicked job interviews, getting a good deal on an apartment - trying to feel at home... all of these things severely weighed me down. I ended up staying with HSI Productions as a full time 2nd Assistant. I got into this entirely new world of production I'd never even considered, but after months of working here, my emotional changes were becoming a larger force than the physical changes. I kept asking myself why I moved to LA in the first place? What were my passions. I learned that although I have man interests and many career goals - the people that rise to the top are those who focus on one thing. They give 110% to a dream and pursue it at all costs.
I have fought my whole life over this. I gave my maximum effort to many areas - I stretched myself thin. I became a jack of all trade (master of none!) I knew that I had to take this opportunity - this time new life - to change my focus to one area. I came to LA to act. With this in mind, I planned on quitting the security of my job at HSI to pursue acting and waiting tables. How fortunate that HSI beat me to the punch? In the wake of the economic downturn I was laid off as my company was loosing money. They were nice enough to promise me at least 3 day weeks until the end of the year. What did this mean for me? Another frantic job hunt! Getting creative with my finances! I decided that I would hit freelance production full force - PAing on sets, trying to get gigs as a production coordinator - on the track to becoming a producer.
It's funny how we panic when our lives are turned upside down. We scramble and push to regain control over the pieces of our lives, but when it comes down to it, the pieces fall back into place on their own. On the last day of my full time position I was walking out the door when one of the executives stopped me. One of the director's assistants had decided to quit and move from LA with his family. This left the position open. I was to sit desk temporarily. The next week, it became a permanent position. I know what you're thinking: "But Mark! What about pursuing your dreams and sticking to one passion?" I decided "Screw my dreams! I need money!" Actually, I 'm kidding. I kept the job because I sat down with the director and explained to him my realizations. He encouraged me to leave the office and get away from my desk. He wants me to turn my cell phone off during auditions so he can't bother me. He was me to produce my one work. There's a lot of downtime as a director's assistant - as he is often not in the office due to work and travel. I have been blessed with a job that every actor wants - steady pay and ultimate flexibility.
So this is where I am now. After seven months of panic and worrying and a big, toothy grin, I feel like I've finally arrived. I have a wonderful apartment that feels like home. I have a job that gives me the freedom to pursue my dreams 110%. And I'm slowly building a life here with friends and relationships.
Aside from the stress and anxiety of being a senior in college, graduating, making a transcontinental move, finding a home and a job ... 2008 has been a year of emotional growth as well. My heart has never been heavier to make a change. After my best friend's father passed away this past spring, I saw a drastic shift in my life. Suddenly, I was an adult. I sit at my desk sometimes just thinking about how I got here. That's very hard to do. When you're in grade school and middle school, high school and college - there's an end goal. There's your 13th birthday, then the 16th, 18th and 21st. There's parties and privileges. There's the first lead you get in the school play. There's the first time your parents let you go to the mall alone with your friends or your first drink.
And now? It feels like I'm free-falling. I know I'm moving, but I can't tell which way is up. I'm addicted to the freedom, but sometimes I'm frightened by it's inevitability. I've changed so much this past year. I'm realizing that adult friendships aren't about convenience like they are in high school - they are about accommodating the lives of many people. You work for the friendships you love - even if they live 3000 miles away. I'm realizing that my life is going to keep moving forward despite me. I've found a relationship with God that I fell away from for so long. I found a great church and community that makes me feel less alone and realize that everyone has problems and things that hold them back.
Most importantly, I realized how blessed I've been throughout my life. People like you were put in my way and affected the the direction of my journey. You taught me something that still rings in my head every time I make a decision. I've seen victory and I've seen tragedy. I've been brought to the edge of my will, but in the end, I've never NOT been provided for. I've realized that life is a battle with faith - having faith that things will work themselves out, that you will not perish, that life is about taking chances and taking a leap of faith towards an unknown outcome. In this way we become fearless. I'm not saying that I'm fearless - but i'm well on my way and this is, in part, because of you.
So as the year winds down and we celebrate with our families - I want to say thank you for giving me courage and helping me this far. It hasn't gone unnoticed.
Have a Happy Holiday and a wonderful New Year!
Best,
Mark Cramer
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Holiday in Los Angeles
This holiday season has been my first away from my family. I didn't spend Thanksgiving in King of Prussia - not even the East Coast or on some vacation. I had a great dinner at a friend's family's, but it was still a little sad and, yet, another benchmark in my adult life. I'm sure there will be many holidays spent away from home and my family. It seems like we're getting further and further away from one another.
That being said, I've been preparing (physically and mentally) for my first rip home since moving to Los Angeles. I will be flying into Philadelphia December 20 until January 1. In addition to the normal things that make going home exciting my best friend/roommate from college will also be visiting, I will get to see my family from Atlanta and I will travel up to NY for the New Year. There's a lot to look forward to and I'm getting more and more antsy to get on that plane.
It's been nearly 7 months since moving here in the 3rd week of May. I cannot believe that that much time has passed. So much has changed. So much has stayed the same. I think I'm most excited to be out of Los Angeles for an extended period of time to get some perspective on my life. Everyday, the world around me is laying out their accomplishments, saluting their next step up the proverbial ladder and talking about the future, careers, etc.. I'm guilty of the same practice and honestly, I'm excited to go home and be with my brother and sister and best friends from childhood and reinforce where I came from.
I think this is the most crucial part of getting older. The only way to know where you're going in life is to remember what came before it; what were the steps I took to get here. Life moves so quickly that sometimes I can't remember all of the steps. Suddenly, I have a great job or something awful happens and I don't know what led up to the point. It's easy to forget the hard stuff when things are good. I think going home will remind me of all of the good stuff and the bad stuff and make me even more grateful for the life I have. That's my hope.
Ok, that's a huge tangent that I didn't intend on writing. With the looming holidays, I've been getting into the spirit. I'm a big sucker for this time of year. I've been listening to Josh Groban's NOEL on repeat and putting my fireplace on (even when it's to warm for it). I had my office holiday party yesterday - and even if that sounds (too adult) and lame, it was yet another benchmark in redefining this part of the year for me.
I leave you with some embarrassing pictures of my ice skating - walking on the frozen pond in the Boston Gardens drunk doesn't count unfortunately - for the first time in maybe 10 years. The beach was a few blocks away.
Posed.
Not so much. Ho Ho ho.
That being said, I've been preparing (physically and mentally) for my first rip home since moving to Los Angeles. I will be flying into Philadelphia December 20 until January 1. In addition to the normal things that make going home exciting my best friend/roommate from college will also be visiting, I will get to see my family from Atlanta and I will travel up to NY for the New Year. There's a lot to look forward to and I'm getting more and more antsy to get on that plane.
It's been nearly 7 months since moving here in the 3rd week of May. I cannot believe that that much time has passed. So much has changed. So much has stayed the same. I think I'm most excited to be out of Los Angeles for an extended period of time to get some perspective on my life. Everyday, the world around me is laying out their accomplishments, saluting their next step up the proverbial ladder and talking about the future, careers, etc.. I'm guilty of the same practice and honestly, I'm excited to go home and be with my brother and sister and best friends from childhood and reinforce where I came from.
I think this is the most crucial part of getting older. The only way to know where you're going in life is to remember what came before it; what were the steps I took to get here. Life moves so quickly that sometimes I can't remember all of the steps. Suddenly, I have a great job or something awful happens and I don't know what led up to the point. It's easy to forget the hard stuff when things are good. I think going home will remind me of all of the good stuff and the bad stuff and make me even more grateful for the life I have. That's my hope.
Ok, that's a huge tangent that I didn't intend on writing. With the looming holidays, I've been getting into the spirit. I'm a big sucker for this time of year. I've been listening to Josh Groban's NOEL on repeat and putting my fireplace on (even when it's to warm for it). I had my office holiday party yesterday - and even if that sounds (too adult) and lame, it was yet another benchmark in redefining this part of the year for me.
I leave you with some embarrassing pictures of my ice skating - walking on the frozen pond in the Boston Gardens drunk doesn't count unfortunately - for the first time in maybe 10 years. The beach was a few blocks away.
Posed.
Not so much. Ho Ho ho.
Monday, December 8, 2008
D2D Teaser
Here's a first look at DOOR TO DOOR! I can't believe we're in post already...
It might be better to click right to Youtube and then select to watch in HD.
It might be better to click right to Youtube and then select to watch in HD.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Stumble
All That Is Gold Does Not Glitter
All that is gold goes not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost:
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
-J.R.R. Tolkien
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Oh yeah...
I just realized that I left something big out of the last few posts.
So, I've been writing about how I'll be leaving HSI and that I've been making the transition into freelancing, etc.. Well, an interesting turn of events has changed my "plan" yet again. Two Fridays ago, during my last full week, one of the execs hollered (yes, that's the correct verb) for me. One of our director's assistants had decided to move to Maine with his wife, leaving the position open. He proposed that I step in on a trial period as his assistant. I did, and all parties have agreed that this will become my permanent (or as some would say --- "permalance" --- permanent freelance. Just me? Ok anyway...) position at HSI.
I know what you're thinking :
"But I thought you were better off leaving?"
"Weren't things better this way?"
"What about that fresh start in the right direction!?"
Well yes, I was looking for all of that and I would say that my leaving HSI would have been a blessing in disguise (as are most drastic, unexpected changes); however, this job is much different from my previous job as a 2nd Assistant upstairs. I've now moved downstairs to work as Simon Cole's assistant. Working with the VP and EP of Music Video was much more demanding on a day to day basis. Simon constantly works in LA, NY and the UK. What does that mean? Well, it means that I have a great deal more time to myself as his needs/tasks can be dealt with on on Blackberry and/or computer (aka anywhere). Simon sat me down and explained that I should use this job to my advantage. Work my butt off for him and, in the inevitbale downtime, work my butt off for myself; go on auditions, produce, write, etc..
This job has been an enormous, unexpected blessing. I now have been given the opportunity to have the best of both worlds. The stability of steady work with a great company and the freedom to actively persue my own interests and careers goals. So, with the new year coming, my previous goals remain the same: begin 2009 with a fresh perspective and enlivened spirit to pursue my dreams and remember the reasons I set out here in the first place.
So, I've been writing about how I'll be leaving HSI and that I've been making the transition into freelancing, etc.. Well, an interesting turn of events has changed my "plan" yet again. Two Fridays ago, during my last full week, one of the execs hollered (yes, that's the correct verb) for me. One of our director's assistants had decided to move to Maine with his wife, leaving the position open. He proposed that I step in on a trial period as his assistant. I did, and all parties have agreed that this will become my permanent (or as some would say --- "permalance" --- permanent freelance. Just me? Ok anyway...) position at HSI.
I know what you're thinking :
"But I thought you were better off leaving?"
"Weren't things better this way?"
"What about that fresh start in the right direction!?"
Well yes, I was looking for all of that and I would say that my leaving HSI would have been a blessing in disguise (as are most drastic, unexpected changes); however, this job is much different from my previous job as a 2nd Assistant upstairs. I've now moved downstairs to work as Simon Cole's assistant. Working with the VP and EP of Music Video was much more demanding on a day to day basis. Simon constantly works in LA, NY and the UK. What does that mean? Well, it means that I have a great deal more time to myself as his needs/tasks can be dealt with on on Blackberry and/or computer (aka anywhere). Simon sat me down and explained that I should use this job to my advantage. Work my butt off for him and, in the inevitbale downtime, work my butt off for myself; go on auditions, produce, write, etc..
This job has been an enormous, unexpected blessing. I now have been given the opportunity to have the best of both worlds. The stability of steady work with a great company and the freedom to actively persue my own interests and careers goals. So, with the new year coming, my previous goals remain the same: begin 2009 with a fresh perspective and enlivened spirit to pursue my dreams and remember the reasons I set out here in the first place.
Holy Crap... 6 months!
When did December happen? When did I move to LA? When did I graduate college for that matter?
I can't believe that it has been 6 months since I've moved to Los Angeles. We're working on the first week of December and I can't even begin to think about how I made it through this year. The list is too long.
There have been a lot of changes this year. Change in '08 wasn't just a successful political slogan. There have been a lot of trials and hurdles and there have been a lot of blessings. I have worked harder and harder on trusting God to carry me through the good and the bad and the ugly. Everything from graduating college, moving across the country, loosing loved ones: the more I think about it all - the more unbelievable it seems. The things that the human spirit can endure! I look, not at myself in amazement, but I look at my friends - losing parents, trying to have children, moving on into our adult lives. 2008 will really be the year I remembered becoming an adult.
So how do things change? That's the point of this blog, I guess. Superficially, I think this is meant to chronicle my adjusting to professional life in LA; but, deeper than that it's about the dynamic and pangs of adulthood.
More important than the physical changes are the emotional changes in the nuances of relationships with friends and family that have proven to be the most detrimental to my growth here. After my best friend's father died earlier this year, I had to rush back from Boston to Philadelphia having just returned from Spring Break. This hiccup in the final stretch of my college life became one of the most trying, yet defining moments of my life. For the first time in a very long time, my 3 best friends from childhood and I all got to really spend time with one another. In the wake of this loss, we offered each other our fears and hopes and theories about life. We all acknowledge that this was the catalyst of change... suddenly, we're adults, dealing with adult issues and our adult lives.
Suddenly, we have to balance many more things than a social calender. College doesn't do adulthood justice. There is little appropriate preparation for the "real world." I think that term should be stricken from our Generation MTV vernacular. The real world has nothing to do with high school, college or some other traditional checkpoint in the road of life. It's not a physical diploma, but an emotional graduation. You realize that friendship and love aren't things of convenience. You work hard for the people that mean a lot to you - even if they are 3000 miles away.
I feel like I've graduated onto this part of my life. It took one very hard year, but it happened. I thank God every day for the things I've been given. I even thank (or try to remember to) Him for the hard things; because, without the dark, I'd never see the light.
________________________________________________________
Here's a few excerpts from the Book of James. I've been reading the Bible more in this effort to reconnect with my faith. This is another factor in 2008 that's made all of the difference in my life. I found these versus to be the most helpful.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of faith develops perservearance" 1:2-3
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow... If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 4:14
"Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed" 5:16
I can't believe that it has been 6 months since I've moved to Los Angeles. We're working on the first week of December and I can't even begin to think about how I made it through this year. The list is too long.
There have been a lot of changes this year. Change in '08 wasn't just a successful political slogan. There have been a lot of trials and hurdles and there have been a lot of blessings. I have worked harder and harder on trusting God to carry me through the good and the bad and the ugly. Everything from graduating college, moving across the country, loosing loved ones: the more I think about it all - the more unbelievable it seems. The things that the human spirit can endure! I look, not at myself in amazement, but I look at my friends - losing parents, trying to have children, moving on into our adult lives. 2008 will really be the year I remembered becoming an adult.
So how do things change? That's the point of this blog, I guess. Superficially, I think this is meant to chronicle my adjusting to professional life in LA; but, deeper than that it's about the dynamic and pangs of adulthood.
More important than the physical changes are the emotional changes in the nuances of relationships with friends and family that have proven to be the most detrimental to my growth here. After my best friend's father died earlier this year, I had to rush back from Boston to Philadelphia having just returned from Spring Break. This hiccup in the final stretch of my college life became one of the most trying, yet defining moments of my life. For the first time in a very long time, my 3 best friends from childhood and I all got to really spend time with one another. In the wake of this loss, we offered each other our fears and hopes and theories about life. We all acknowledge that this was the catalyst of change... suddenly, we're adults, dealing with adult issues and our adult lives.
Suddenly, we have to balance many more things than a social calender. College doesn't do adulthood justice. There is little appropriate preparation for the "real world." I think that term should be stricken from our Generation MTV vernacular. The real world has nothing to do with high school, college or some other traditional checkpoint in the road of life. It's not a physical diploma, but an emotional graduation. You realize that friendship and love aren't things of convenience. You work hard for the people that mean a lot to you - even if they are 3000 miles away.
I feel like I've graduated onto this part of my life. It took one very hard year, but it happened. I thank God every day for the things I've been given. I even thank (or try to remember to) Him for the hard things; because, without the dark, I'd never see the light.
________________________________________________________
Here's a few excerpts from the Book of James. I've been reading the Bible more in this effort to reconnect with my faith. This is another factor in 2008 that's made all of the difference in my life. I found these versus to be the most helpful.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of faith develops perservearance" 1:2-3
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow... If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 4:14
"Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed" 5:16
Friday, November 28, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
007: License to Kill
I mean... license to drive.
Somehow, this makes things seem a little more permanent...
Somehow, this makes things seem a little more permanent...
Compare and Contrast
I was on set again this weekend and, needless to say, this experience was quite different than the last.
I guess I should blame myself - not realizing what I was getting into. When someone tells you that you're shooting a music video in one (that's ONE) day, you should know that that means one helluva long day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one to get discouraged from a long day's work, but when a production team - your superiors- foster a poor working environment, one tends to get discouraged.
Days like these are ruthless, never-ending and people will almost always be on edge. I was shocked, however, by how caddy, demeaning and arrogant many members of this particular team were. Again, I'm not above working my way up the ladder, but when people purposefully go out of their way to make you feel small, insignificant - a PA, then something is seriously wrong. I hope I never forget that any successful production rests on on the sweating backs of its PA's. If I do forget - feel free to offer my a swift kick in the balls.
The good news? Productions are never permanent and I earned my paycheck.
Moving on...
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
And now... a moment for the children
I found this in in the children's book section at Target and couldn't help but laugh a little.
Imagine playing in the sandbox in kindergarten, enjoying your free time, hanging with your formative friends. Suddenly, the lights flicker and the teacher (and probably her aid) start singing that clean up song. You throw the little shovel into the box and run to the reading corner. Happily, you roll out one of those weathered leather lily pads that has your name written on it neatly on a piece of masking tape. That teacher sits down quietly and cracks open today's reading delight!
Literally, a children's book outlining the life and accomplishments of our President-Elect. Listen, I'm pro-Obama and I'm excited for what's to come, but America has got to be ready to have patience. Inauguration Day isn't going to change the face of America in an instant. What's even more frightening is there isn't a guarantee that Obama will change anything. I'm not a pessimist; not even a little but - but this children's book just made me a little leary-eyed.
Imagine playing in the sandbox in kindergarten, enjoying your free time, hanging with your formative friends. Suddenly, the lights flicker and the teacher (and probably her aid) start singing that clean up song. You throw the little shovel into the box and run to the reading corner. Happily, you roll out one of those weathered leather lily pads that has your name written on it neatly on a piece of masking tape. That teacher sits down quietly and cracks open today's reading delight!Literally, a children's book outlining the life and accomplishments of our President-Elect. Listen, I'm pro-Obama and I'm excited for what's to come, but America has got to be ready to have patience. Inauguration Day isn't going to change the face of America in an instant. What's even more frightening is there isn't a guarantee that Obama will change anything. I'm not a pessimist; not even a little but - but this children's book just made me a little leary-eyed.
Sleep Deprivation
My transition away from HSI is now in full swing. This weekend I spent Saturday through Monday in Palm Springs working on a music video for an up and coming artist, Daniella. To make a long story short, there was a lot of driving, too much caffeine, and a really great team. Props to everyone for working on about 4 hours of sleep for the whole weekend. The shots look incredible and the video will be amazing.
Freelancing jobs are lining up and hopefully, after this weekend, I'm finding my niche and home in the production world. This team was fluid, hard working and like-minded. I couldn't have been happier with the environment and the result!
The next step? Come January 1, I'll start tearing in the acting world. Oh yeah... I went to college for that didn't I?
Freelancing jobs are lining up and hopefully, after this weekend, I'm finding my niche and home in the production world. This team was fluid, hard working and like-minded. I couldn't have been happier with the environment and the result!
The next step? Come January 1, I'll start tearing in the acting world. Oh yeah... I went to college for that didn't I?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
The Reckoner
This is a poem that my brother wrote at Penn State University (Honors College). The assignment was to emulate another poet. He chose to look at the work of Theadore Roethke. This was the result.
The Reckoner by Jesse Cramer
You stand firmly among tables and charts
to build up one sum, to tear yet another apart
into fine specks of figures, refined
in every sense, now perfect, round and defined.
Toss them aside, forget it all, and rave
with me. Take my stretched palm, reaching to save
your mind muddled by aging school-teachers,
scientists pals and lunatic preachers.
First, add swaying hips and pulsing fingers,
subtracting any sense that lingers
in your throat. Mindlessly derivate passions
to thoughts into signals and actions.
When you have set all calculations beyond
reach, chalk my name, and I will respond
with a lean, a wave. Un-teach your drive
and you may find that two-and-two yields five.
"I get by with a little help from my friends...."
I've been thinking about this Beatles anthem all week. It's amazing to think how time has passed since my formative years, elementary school, middle school, high school, college... now. Some memories are so clear, so vivid - it's as if I lived them yesterday. Other memories are fading exponentially quicker - faces from high school, parties with old friends, the list goes on. This week, I got coffee with one of my best friends from childhood, Noelle. I've been friends with her since middle school. Along with Jeff (my best friend from 2nd grade) and Meg (Noelle's best friend from birth), I have considered myself blessed with the amount of love and support they have provided. I don't know that I would have gotten by without the help of these (and other) friends.
My last few posts have been regarding the large transition that's taking place in my life. The other day, walking to my car after work, I told myself that I was allowed to give in to the anxiety boiling inside of me. I took five minutes to freak out, to relish in every "worse-case-scenario," and to tell myself that there was no answer. After five minutes had passed, I stopped. That was it - I'm no longer allowed to succumb to my anxiety or fear. I have been as proactive as possible about making something happen - and now I must relinquish my need for control and realize that this is no longer in my hands.
The next day, I got coffee with Noelle just to check in. I hadn't had the chance to go to church last week so we didn't get our weekly meeting. After expressing my coping methods with her - she looked at me and in earnest said, "This is the perfect time for God to test you faith, Mark!" Oddly enough, I had just gotten off the phone with Meg who said almost verbatim, the same thing.
What a fascinating --- and glaringly obvious --- concept. How typical of me not to fully grasp this idea on my own. I have no right to freak out. Have I ever found myself without previsions? I guess there's a reason that God said "with the faith of mustard seed, you can move mountains." I mean, if that's the case, shouldn't there be rouge ranges all over the place? Why aren't the Rockies in Florida or the Himalayas in Germany? It's because real faith is difficult. It's not for the faint of heart or the indifferent spirit. Faith means unconditional belief. That, my friends, is a rarity - if at all possible in the purest in form.
Sidenote: Coffee with Noelle at Susina Cafe was straight up East Coast winter stylin'. Warm lighting around a Christmas tree while listening to jazz music and sharing coffee. Sorry... was that too much too soon? It just got me fired up to hang out in Philly and get drinks, hot chocolate and walk down Chestnut St. in the freezing cold!
Anyway, to put a cap on this entry - I did my best to absorb what Meg and Noelle said, and the anxiety is now at a lull. I got a call yesterday to go on set this weekend in Palm Springs at a great rate and got word for a few other freelancing possibilities. If I can book a few more - I'll be good until the end of January.
Ask you shall recieve. Check your motives for these requests. Have a little faith...
... and thank your friends.
My last few posts have been regarding the large transition that's taking place in my life. The other day, walking to my car after work, I told myself that I was allowed to give in to the anxiety boiling inside of me. I took five minutes to freak out, to relish in every "worse-case-scenario," and to tell myself that there was no answer. After five minutes had passed, I stopped. That was it - I'm no longer allowed to succumb to my anxiety or fear. I have been as proactive as possible about making something happen - and now I must relinquish my need for control and realize that this is no longer in my hands.The next day, I got coffee with Noelle just to check in. I hadn't had the chance to go to church last week so we didn't get our weekly meeting. After expressing my coping methods with her - she looked at me and in earnest said, "This is the perfect time for God to test you faith, Mark!" Oddly enough, I had just gotten off the phone with Meg who said almost verbatim, the same thing.
What a fascinating --- and glaringly obvious --- concept. How typical of me not to fully grasp this idea on my own. I have no right to freak out. Have I ever found myself without previsions? I guess there's a reason that God said "with the faith of mustard seed, you can move mountains." I mean, if that's the case, shouldn't there be rouge ranges all over the place? Why aren't the Rockies in Florida or the Himalayas in Germany? It's because real faith is difficult. It's not for the faint of heart or the indifferent spirit. Faith means unconditional belief. That, my friends, is a rarity - if at all possible in the purest in form.
Sidenote: Coffee with Noelle at Susina Cafe was straight up East Coast winter stylin'. Warm lighting around a Christmas tree while listening to jazz music and sharing coffee. Sorry... was that too much too soon? It just got me fired up to hang out in Philly and get drinks, hot chocolate and walk down Chestnut St. in the freezing cold!
Anyway, to put a cap on this entry - I did my best to absorb what Meg and Noelle said, and the anxiety is now at a lull. I got a call yesterday to go on set this weekend in Palm Springs at a great rate and got word for a few other freelancing possibilities. If I can book a few more - I'll be good until the end of January.
Ask you shall recieve. Check your motives for these requests. Have a little faith...
... and thank your friends.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Coping methods
I'm combating the inevitable freak out - no word on a new job.
Coping methods (so far):
1) Search for more jobs (incessant)
2) Talk about it (annoying to everyone around me)
3) Suppress it (lying)
4) Allow myself to panic for 5 minutes and get over it (therapeutic)
5) Pray (hard)
I feel like I'm gritting my teeth 24 hours a day.
I should stop - I'm not in the red zone just yet.
A few problems:
1) Slow right now in Production --- freelancing is no good
2) Beginning of the holiday season --- leaving for Christmas so working at a Restaurant is almost impossible
3) New hires mostly begin in the new year
Trying to get creative.
Breath in.
Breath out.
Nope, still feel that pit in my stomach.
Coping methods (so far):
1) Search for more jobs (incessant)
2) Talk about it (annoying to everyone around me)
3) Suppress it (lying)
4) Allow myself to panic for 5 minutes and get over it (therapeutic)
5) Pray (hard)
I feel like I'm gritting my teeth 24 hours a day.
I should stop - I'm not in the red zone just yet.
A few problems:
1) Slow right now in Production --- freelancing is no good
2) Beginning of the holiday season --- leaving for Christmas so working at a Restaurant is almost impossible
3) New hires mostly begin in the new year
Trying to get creative.
Breath in.
Breath out.
Nope, still feel that pit in my stomach.
Monday, November 10, 2008
In the wake of change....
So, as you can see, this weekend's shoot for DOOR TO DOOR went amazingly well. I am still high from the amount of professionalism, creativity and sheer talent that our crew exhibited. It's often been the case in my independent film-making experience that production elements of similar projects are rarely on the same level. A script may be amazing, but you sacrifice production design. The acting is great, but the sound is awful. You get the point. For the first time, all elements meshed together and rose to the same level. One that, frankly, I'm amazed at.
Besides the technical aspects - the RED Camera (4x the resolution quality of HD), JL Fisher Dolly, etc - our team shone bright. Everything from the cast (Chelsey Bryson, our amazing kids, Mark Rydell, Laura Black), to the script, to the score, to the sound (Keith Wasserman) to the production design (Brent Mason) - everyone stepped up and I couldn't be more excited to have been apart of the this project.
Micah (Director/EP of Movie Magic) and I were talking about what DOOR TO DOOR represented. Since starting MMM, our passion has been creative collaboration. We've learned the price and balance of free flow and structure and this project affirms the proper balance inherent to this company.
We were blessed to have such a strong production team. I learned so much from everyone and will be continue to grow professionally as a result of it.
Having had this project monopolize my mind for the past week, I've put off addressing other worries, concerns and fears. Most specifically that change has, again, infiltrated my life. Daily air raids and attacks on my day-to-day life have become an inevitability. I lost my job at HSI Productions. After interning here over the summer, I was ecstatic to be brought on full time. It was still the slow season in production and while others were struggling to find work, I was lucky enough to land and stay here.
Over the last six months here, I have learned an invaluable amount of information about an industry previously unknown to me. I've also learned about myself and reconfirmed the passion I have for acting. The reason I went to college, the art that helped me survive high school - this is the reason I came here in the first place. I got comfortable at HSI. Steady pay, security, etc. I lost sight of my goals. Having figured all of this out - I told myself that I would leave by the end of the year. The more time passed, the less likely this was an option (especically in the wake of America's economic downfall).
I was called into the office early last week. Tuesday afternoon I was told that our company had not bounced back from the slow period like they had originally expected when I was brought in house. Being a 2nd Assistant, having worked here for a short period of time - these factors played into my being let go. I have to keep telling myself to not make this personal. She was very clear that this was in no way a reflection of the quality of my work, but a sign of the economic times.
I can be at peace with that. In many ways, this is a blessing. I'm trying to pray and keep cool from the beginning of this change - instead of my typical pattern of freaking out, "figuring it out myself" and then at the last moment looking to someone else in desperation. Let's just cut to the helping hand part. I now have the opportunity to start over and look at my life again from a fresh perspective. I'm not weighed down the 1000 more uncertainties of my residency like in August. Now I can focus on my career goals and a lifestyle that benefits my energy, passions and relationships.
So, in the wake of change, I find myself on the brink of something great. Something frighteningly new and fresh - yet, all too familiar. From this point; from on outset, I need to have faith, pray and trust a design bigger than my own. I will ride the wave of change into the new year - one already branded as the dawn of a new era for me, my country and the world.
Besides the technical aspects - the RED Camera (4x the resolution quality of HD), JL Fisher Dolly, etc - our team shone bright. Everything from the cast (Chelsey Bryson, our amazing kids, Mark Rydell, Laura Black), to the script, to the score, to the sound (Keith Wasserman) to the production design (Brent Mason) - everyone stepped up and I couldn't be more excited to have been apart of the this project.
Micah (Director/EP of Movie Magic) and I were talking about what DOOR TO DOOR represented. Since starting MMM, our passion has been creative collaboration. We've learned the price and balance of free flow and structure and this project affirms the proper balance inherent to this company.
We were blessed to have such a strong production team. I learned so much from everyone and will be continue to grow professionally as a result of it.
Having had this project monopolize my mind for the past week, I've put off addressing other worries, concerns and fears. Most specifically that change has, again, infiltrated my life. Daily air raids and attacks on my day-to-day life have become an inevitability. I lost my job at HSI Productions. After interning here over the summer, I was ecstatic to be brought on full time. It was still the slow season in production and while others were struggling to find work, I was lucky enough to land and stay here.
Over the last six months here, I have learned an invaluable amount of information about an industry previously unknown to me. I've also learned about myself and reconfirmed the passion I have for acting. The reason I went to college, the art that helped me survive high school - this is the reason I came here in the first place. I got comfortable at HSI. Steady pay, security, etc. I lost sight of my goals. Having figured all of this out - I told myself that I would leave by the end of the year. The more time passed, the less likely this was an option (especically in the wake of America's economic downfall).
I was called into the office early last week. Tuesday afternoon I was told that our company had not bounced back from the slow period like they had originally expected when I was brought in house. Being a 2nd Assistant, having worked here for a short period of time - these factors played into my being let go. I have to keep telling myself to not make this personal. She was very clear that this was in no way a reflection of the quality of my work, but a sign of the economic times.
I can be at peace with that. In many ways, this is a blessing. I'm trying to pray and keep cool from the beginning of this change - instead of my typical pattern of freaking out, "figuring it out myself" and then at the last moment looking to someone else in desperation. Let's just cut to the helping hand part. I now have the opportunity to start over and look at my life again from a fresh perspective. I'm not weighed down the 1000 more uncertainties of my residency like in August. Now I can focus on my career goals and a lifestyle that benefits my energy, passions and relationships.
So, in the wake of change, I find myself on the brink of something great. Something frighteningly new and fresh - yet, all too familiar. From this point; from on outset, I need to have faith, pray and trust a design bigger than my own. I will ride the wave of change into the new year - one already branded as the dawn of a new era for me, my country and the world.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Door to Door
So after months of preparation, Movie Magic Media Productions, LLC. will be filming DOOR TO DOOR.
Movie Magic Media was started by Micah Levin at Emerson College. Natalie Lewis, Colin Gallagher, Lena Leon and myself became the founding board when we embarked on filming a feature-length movie-musical entitled PUPPET COLLEGE. While at Emerson we produced several films.
Since then, Micah and I have graduated and brought the company to Los Angeles as a side company to our own careers. DOOR TO DOOR is the first independent venture for MMM while in LA. We have been working on this project for almost 4 months now and tonight we begin the preshoot. Friday through Sunday we will parttake in three long days of shooting.
As the line-producer (or any member of our team) I've been pouring my time and energy into making this the best product possible. Our hopes are to take DOOR TO DOOR around the festival circuit after its completion. I truly believe that the story, aesthetic and quality will make this a successful piece. The production design (Brent Mason) is incredible. He's built a house with interchangable parts (per different shots) at our location. He's also built a moving cart that unfolds into a portable stage; complete with pipeorgan.
The work has been increditably taxing and tiring; however, I now have so much faith in this project. I just can't wait to get on set and live it.
I'm so proud of our team and hopefully --- I'll be reporting back with pictures and great news after Sunday.
Movie Magic Media was started by Micah Levin at Emerson College. Natalie Lewis, Colin Gallagher, Lena Leon and myself became the founding board when we embarked on filming a feature-length movie-musical entitled PUPPET COLLEGE. While at Emerson we produced several films.
Since then, Micah and I have graduated and brought the company to Los Angeles as a side company to our own careers. DOOR TO DOOR is the first independent venture for MMM while in LA. We have been working on this project for almost 4 months now and tonight we begin the preshoot. Friday through Sunday we will parttake in three long days of shooting.
As the line-producer (or any member of our team) I've been pouring my time and energy into making this the best product possible. Our hopes are to take DOOR TO DOOR around the festival circuit after its completion. I truly believe that the story, aesthetic and quality will make this a successful piece. The production design (Brent Mason) is incredible. He's built a house with interchangable parts (per different shots) at our location. He's also built a moving cart that unfolds into a portable stage; complete with pipeorgan.
The work has been increditably taxing and tiring; however, I now have so much faith in this project. I just can't wait to get on set and live it.
I'm so proud of our team and hopefully --- I'll be reporting back with pictures and great news after Sunday.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Cardboard Testimonies
This Sunday at Oasis (church), the message was about getting back to "the Way"; that is, the plan God has for your life, following Him, etc.
I was struggling a little through the sermon, but the end portion really hit home. Pastor Phillip called up a group of people for a presentation called Cardboard Testimonies. While the music team played and sang, one by one, these people took center stage and held up their placards. The one side would have a word, phrase or sentence about their life before Christ. They then flipped the board over and it was the same regarding their life after Christ.
This really hit home as I've been struggling to get back to church after so long. Having grown up in the church and participating in almost every activity possible, religion was always a social aspiration for me. As I continue to grow and mature in my adult life, I'm finding that it's just me and God; no one else. I left the whole church thing behind for a while and now I'm getting back.
It's strange because I'm realizing that I have neglected the basics of Christianity. I have felt awkward and alone in church for a while, feeling like I was a leper in a sea of the saved. Seeing this presentation was almost debilitating. Here were these people, congregation members and leaders alike sharing their struggles with all of us. Their ailments ranged from "snobbish Christian attitude" to cancer to prostitution.
I couldn't believe it. All of these people struggle. Most with things far worse than any plight of mine. I couldn't believe that I had forgotten how broken we all are. I'm not the only one who feels like this or that struggles. It's incredible the things I've forgotten while trying to "find myself." I'm finding myself here more and more each week - and it's still a struggle. It doesn't disappear at church, but I'm given the strength to overcome my fears and anxieties and grow. I grow. I am growing. It's something I continually have to remind myself.
I was struggling a little through the sermon, but the end portion really hit home. Pastor Phillip called up a group of people for a presentation called Cardboard Testimonies. While the music team played and sang, one by one, these people took center stage and held up their placards. The one side would have a word, phrase or sentence about their life before Christ. They then flipped the board over and it was the same regarding their life after Christ.
This really hit home as I've been struggling to get back to church after so long. Having grown up in the church and participating in almost every activity possible, religion was always a social aspiration for me. As I continue to grow and mature in my adult life, I'm finding that it's just me and God; no one else. I left the whole church thing behind for a while and now I'm getting back.
It's strange because I'm realizing that I have neglected the basics of Christianity. I have felt awkward and alone in church for a while, feeling like I was a leper in a sea of the saved. Seeing this presentation was almost debilitating. Here were these people, congregation members and leaders alike sharing their struggles with all of us. Their ailments ranged from "snobbish Christian attitude" to cancer to prostitution.
I couldn't believe it. All of these people struggle. Most with things far worse than any plight of mine. I couldn't believe that I had forgotten how broken we all are. I'm not the only one who feels like this or that struggles. It's incredible the things I've forgotten while trying to "find myself." I'm finding myself here more and more each week - and it's still a struggle. It doesn't disappear at church, but I'm given the strength to overcome my fears and anxieties and grow. I grow. I am growing. It's something I continually have to remind myself.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
A different kind of Halloween
Fall in Southern California is a far cry from the Falls of New England that I grew up with. A season typically associated with brisk dusk air, hot apple cider and howl of cool winds do not bite the ears or nip at the nose. No, LA has a very different reaction to encroaching Fall.
Today is Halloween.
Memories pick at my heart of pumpkin carving, hoodies and twead jackets, walks through the Commons to get Starbucks after my last class, eating pumpkin pie at Pumkin Fest; I could keep going. In the waning light, looking out over the glassy Charles River is almost religious. Boston practically invented the Halloween season. Shadows remain of the Colonial era. Witch hunts, the ghosts of Beacon Hill, trick-r-treating with John Kerry. OK, maybe not that last one.
I mean, Fall in the Northeast is all about indulging the senses; Taking the time to breath deep and feel the cold air permeate your body, smelling the cinnamon, hazelnut and nutmegs, staring at trees burning in the afternoon light, waiting for night to fall and hearing the sounds of children creeping around every nook and cranny for candy.
I woke up today to a different kind of Halloween. It was cooler, the temperatures resting in the mid-60's. I couldn't seem to pull myself out from under my comforter. I poured myself a glass of water and looked out my kitchen window to see the ground stained with moisture. It had rained in the early hours of the day. That might not sound incredible, but in a place where rain comes as much as an earthquake in Boston, it is pretty incredible.
As I drove to work with the windows down, the air felt different than normal. The sky was completely overcast, clouds billowing over and around each other - literally mountain ranges in the sky above me. The light was so soft and and unimposing, it reminded me of home. As I turned the corner and entered the maze of the industrial park where my office hides, the sun began to pour through the clouds. This filter was incredible - I actually gasped audibly in my car. Suddenly, these grotesque, over-designed warehouses were beautiful. Every architectural feature became prominent and logical. A hole opened in the thick layer of clouds and the sun illuminated the entire park.
I finally stepped inside and arrived at my station. A spiderweb meticulously crafted between my screen and speakers. Today is definitely Halloween, and while it's not the same Halloween I'm used to, there's something of its own that strikes me. I never basked in the glow of Halloween festivities, so it's curious that today, I miss home more than I have since coming to Los Angeles.
Nothing is the same today. Nothing can replace Halloween in New England. Nevertheless, this little spiderweb did put a smile on my face.
Today is Halloween.
Memories pick at my heart of pumpkin carving, hoodies and twead jackets, walks through the Commons to get Starbucks after my last class, eating pumpkin pie at Pumkin Fest; I could keep going. In the waning light, looking out over the glassy Charles River is almost religious. Boston practically invented the Halloween season. Shadows remain of the Colonial era. Witch hunts, the ghosts of Beacon Hill, trick-r-treating with John Kerry. OK, maybe not that last one.
I mean, Fall in the Northeast is all about indulging the senses; Taking the time to breath deep and feel the cold air permeate your body, smelling the cinnamon, hazelnut and nutmegs, staring at trees burning in the afternoon light, waiting for night to fall and hearing the sounds of children creeping around every nook and cranny for candy.
I woke up today to a different kind of Halloween. It was cooler, the temperatures resting in the mid-60's. I couldn't seem to pull myself out from under my comforter. I poured myself a glass of water and looked out my kitchen window to see the ground stained with moisture. It had rained in the early hours of the day. That might not sound incredible, but in a place where rain comes as much as an earthquake in Boston, it is pretty incredible.
As I drove to work with the windows down, the air felt different than normal. The sky was completely overcast, clouds billowing over and around each other - literally mountain ranges in the sky above me. The light was so soft and and unimposing, it reminded me of home. As I turned the corner and entered the maze of the industrial park where my office hides, the sun began to pour through the clouds. This filter was incredible - I actually gasped audibly in my car. Suddenly, these grotesque, over-designed warehouses were beautiful. Every architectural feature became prominent and logical. A hole opened in the thick layer of clouds and the sun illuminated the entire park.
I finally stepped inside and arrived at my station. A spiderweb meticulously crafted between my screen and speakers. Today is definitely Halloween, and while it's not the same Halloween I'm used to, there's something of its own that strikes me. I never basked in the glow of Halloween festivities, so it's curious that today, I miss home more than I have since coming to Los Angeles.
Nothing is the same today. Nothing can replace Halloween in New England. Nevertheless, this little spiderweb did put a smile on my face.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Rush
Halloween is a few days away and it's definitely a scarier world.
I can feel my new life, filled with adventure, commitment and a 9 to 5 shifting underneath me. Is it the San Andreas Fault? No. It's my own neurosis shaking me stupid. My need for control is unbelievable, insatiable - it's poison.
I go through these cycles of peace and understanding with the passing hours. Day by day is enough and the future is only a product of now. Those feelings will pass and are replaced by my incessant need to plan plan plan. It starts small: "What am I doing this weekend?" Then it grows. I start kicking people out of my life who make me feel like I'm loosing control.
It's just my nature. I can't really escape it - though I shouldn't ignore who I am. I think part of my new life out here; that is, determining the manner of my adult life, is figuring out the balance. How do I use this quality to my advantage instead of stifling it for a period and then allowing it to explode and consume my life.
Breath and relax.
Stop making people wreckage in the wake of my mind.
Pray.
Praying has become really crucial in life.
I can feel my new life, filled with adventure, commitment and a 9 to 5 shifting underneath me. Is it the San Andreas Fault? No. It's my own neurosis shaking me stupid. My need for control is unbelievable, insatiable - it's poison.
I go through these cycles of peace and understanding with the passing hours. Day by day is enough and the future is only a product of now. Those feelings will pass and are replaced by my incessant need to plan plan plan. It starts small: "What am I doing this weekend?" Then it grows. I start kicking people out of my life who make me feel like I'm loosing control.
It's just my nature. I can't really escape it - though I shouldn't ignore who I am. I think part of my new life out here; that is, determining the manner of my adult life, is figuring out the balance. How do I use this quality to my advantage instead of stifling it for a period and then allowing it to explode and consume my life.
Breath and relax.
Stop making people wreckage in the wake of my mind.
Pray.
Praying has become really crucial in life.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Different Strokes....
A little anecdote if you please:
I'm walking around, perusing the aisles of Rite-Aid with my friend AJ around 9 pm last night and after a while we both notice a rather imposing man looking our way. My friend and I exchange confused glances but continue on. Every now and then, the same man would appear again at the end of our aisle or we'd find his glance around a corner.
Finally, he disappears and we stop at the magazine racks for a minute. All of the sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see this man meandering toward us. It's one of those moments you hold your breath, because you know the person is going to speak, but you can't imagine what they will say. I certainly didn't expect this.
He sidles up next to us, takes a nervous breath and says, "I don't mean to offend you, but I wanted to let you both know that you have really nice feet." We were both wearing sandals. "No, I mean really nice!" He starts to walk away, apologizing for his intrusion. By the time he gets to the end of the aisle, AJ and I are looking at each other, not knowing whether to laugh or call for security.
Before we can even complete a sentence, he's turned around and is making his way back towards us; "Now, I myself, being a man's man, would say my feet are at about a 6. Yours are a 9, even 10. I mean nice manly ...." OK, it's gets worse and I'll spare the fetish-filled monologue. I laughed after ever punctuation to ease the mood as AJ stood by, silent in awe.
He ended his rant with a loud, emotional grunt. He continued to grunt as he walked towards the door loud enough for the cashiers and customers to hear.
We left the store dumbfounded and approached the car. The same man got out of his car and shouted across the parking lot; "I hope I didn't offend you."
"No, not at all!" I replied and leaned over to AJ, "Get in the car and drive... NOW!"
Needless to say, that was the strangest compliment I'd ever received.
I'm walking around, perusing the aisles of Rite-Aid with my friend AJ around 9 pm last night and after a while we both notice a rather imposing man looking our way. My friend and I exchange confused glances but continue on. Every now and then, the same man would appear again at the end of our aisle or we'd find his glance around a corner.
Finally, he disappears and we stop at the magazine racks for a minute. All of the sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I see this man meandering toward us. It's one of those moments you hold your breath, because you know the person is going to speak, but you can't imagine what they will say. I certainly didn't expect this.
He sidles up next to us, takes a nervous breath and says, "I don't mean to offend you, but I wanted to let you both know that you have really nice feet." We were both wearing sandals. "No, I mean really nice!" He starts to walk away, apologizing for his intrusion. By the time he gets to the end of the aisle, AJ and I are looking at each other, not knowing whether to laugh or call for security.
Before we can even complete a sentence, he's turned around and is making his way back towards us; "Now, I myself, being a man's man, would say my feet are at about a 6. Yours are a 9, even 10. I mean nice manly ...." OK, it's gets worse and I'll spare the fetish-filled monologue. I laughed after ever punctuation to ease the mood as AJ stood by, silent in awe.
He ended his rant with a loud, emotional grunt. He continued to grunt as he walked towards the door loud enough for the cashiers and customers to hear.
We left the store dumbfounded and approached the car. The same man got out of his car and shouted across the parking lot; "I hope I didn't offend you."
"No, not at all!" I replied and leaned over to AJ, "Get in the car and drive... NOW!"
Needless to say, that was the strangest compliment I'd ever received.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Claire de lune
Buying a piano for my apartment has once again become a priority for me.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Things that aren't cool....
You know what's NOT cool? Getting excited about new office supplies at work. Yea, that's right - office supplies.
My mind is starting to go numb. That's a little melodramatic, but the topics that usually occupy my mind are becoming tedious even to my inner-monologue. Probably the most indicative of these topics is politics. As the election enters is final leg and with three weeks left, I'm hard pressed to even watch the last debate. It's interesting that Obama released his talking points before the debate, because that tells me that there's nothing left to talk about. There's been an ongoing argument over the length of American elections. In most European countries, you aren't allowed to release campaign commercials until the week prior to the election. That system has it's own problems, but needless to say, whats' the point of these final three weeks?
What more could we learn about the candidates' policies that would deter us from their vote? This final period is all about perception. Policies don't have very much to do with it anymore. Amidst all of the surprises and mudslinging and so on - how are the candidates dealing with the pressure? How do they address the controversies? What tactics do they resort to?
Personally, I have little faith in the American political system. Like many voters my age who I speak with, the past few elections have not been about voting for the stronger candidate; it's been about chosing the lesser of two evils. Neither party seems particularly strong and a vote for either is precarious at best. I can feel this all too familiar jitter grow as the campaigns stretch into their final days. I hear one of two things:
"Obama is the messiah - McCain is the devil incarnate"
or
"I don't know which is worse... I mean better"
If bipartisonship is really possible, then maybe that's America's saving grace. I don't believe that either candidate has all the answers America needs and I don't think voting for either will turn this country around immediately. I do, however, pray that whoever is voted into office will cut the leash of party politics and do what's best for this country regardless of this party. Period.
So, to summarize: I'm still talking about politics and office supplies are the most exciting part of my day.
My mind is starting to go numb. That's a little melodramatic, but the topics that usually occupy my mind are becoming tedious even to my inner-monologue. Probably the most indicative of these topics is politics. As the election enters is final leg and with three weeks left, I'm hard pressed to even watch the last debate. It's interesting that Obama released his talking points before the debate, because that tells me that there's nothing left to talk about. There's been an ongoing argument over the length of American elections. In most European countries, you aren't allowed to release campaign commercials until the week prior to the election. That system has it's own problems, but needless to say, whats' the point of these final three weeks?
What more could we learn about the candidates' policies that would deter us from their vote? This final period is all about perception. Policies don't have very much to do with it anymore. Amidst all of the surprises and mudslinging and so on - how are the candidates dealing with the pressure? How do they address the controversies? What tactics do they resort to?
Personally, I have little faith in the American political system. Like many voters my age who I speak with, the past few elections have not been about voting for the stronger candidate; it's been about chosing the lesser of two evils. Neither party seems particularly strong and a vote for either is precarious at best. I can feel this all too familiar jitter grow as the campaigns stretch into their final days. I hear one of two things:
"Obama is the messiah - McCain is the devil incarnate"
or
"I don't know which is worse... I mean better"
If bipartisonship is really possible, then maybe that's America's saving grace. I don't believe that either candidate has all the answers America needs and I don't think voting for either will turn this country around immediately. I do, however, pray that whoever is voted into office will cut the leash of party politics and do what's best for this country regardless of this party. Period.
So, to summarize: I'm still talking about politics and office supplies are the most exciting part of my day.
Friday, October 10, 2008
First Fire
As soon as 6 pm struck this Friday afternoon, my senses took over. Here's why:
1. Temperatures in the low 60's2. Walking out of work during the richest red, yellows and oranges of sunset
3. Seeing children running home from after-school activities with their parents
4. Brown and yellow leaves falling to the ground
5. Putting the fireplace on for the first time
6. Taking a walk, hoodies on, moon illuminating the moving clouds
7. Lying in bed and hearing the wind, leaves rustling on the ground and trains in the distance - I seriously feel like I'm 8 years old lying in my bedroom in King of Prussia
Tonight is really making me miss the East Coast fall season, but it also makes me think that in all of the days of monotony that come with the weather in Los Angeles - it's a night like this that makes fall worth it on the West Coast.
I think I realized for the first time today, that I'd miss fall in Los Angeles as much I miss Fall on the East Coast if I left.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
A Point of Reference
The few days have been extremely interesting/tiresome/relieving.
It started Saturday. I don't know if I've made this clear about my life right now, but I work 5 days a week for the Executives of music video and commercial production at a high traffic production company. On top of my 50ish hour work week, I've been spending my Saturdays working as a PA on a reality show (whose name I can't disclose right now apparently). This entails 12 hours of PA-type work. The following is a list of typical PA-type requests:
"Mark!! Yes, you with the glasses! Can you please...."
1. "Bring this coffee to the talent crafty table?"
2. " Sort out these receipts?"
3. "Take x to the bathroom/smoking break/ personal freak out session?"
4. "Stand over there and hold that clip board"
5. "Take down the entire (120 person) crew's walkie numbers"
Me: "Don't we have that on a list already??"
Them: "Somewhere. I think it's in the production office"
Me: "Oh, so can I go get it?"
Them: "Um, I don't think it's printed. Yea, no, do it by hand, we need it now"
Me: "For what...."
Them: "Do you want to go back to standing over there with the clip board?"
Me: "Copy that."
Anyway, I digress - the point is, is that I work a lot. So my emotional/physical wherewithal is running dry. This particular Saturday, I was on set until 2 am. I'm certainly not complaining. I willingly signed up for this type of work. I just wanted to give a point of reference for the next 48 hours.
Sunday.
After going to bed at 3:30, I woke up a few hours later. I turned over to disable my alarm set for the day before and remembered that Noelle has asked me to come visit this church she's been going to. I thought about telling I didn't feel well or that I was still an empty shell of a PA from the night before, but I decided I should get up and go. We've talked about it for a while and, needless to say, I haven't been too proactive about following up on the offer.
I went. Oasis Church on Wilshire Blvd near my house. It was something like a religious rock concert complete with full lighting package, big TV's, band, singers, etc.. Apparently, the Los Angeles church imported the fever of Southern Gospel parishioners and handed it out at the door. Short of baptizing people on the spot, the house was filled with young and old all singing and worshiping. This wasn't the church I was brought up in.
Church/religion to me, at this age, has been a rocky road. I associate these things with my past, my childhood and my social scene. I went to Oasis and immediately saw my childhood. The people, the talk, the attitude - everything associated with my memory was there. The only thing that wasn't there - was me. Per Noelle's pretty spot-on analysis, I'm realizing that the difficulty in realizing my adult relationship with my faith is a product of the disconnect between adult Mark and childhood Mark. Making that connection is part of what's been holding me back.
Nevertheless, I sat through the service, my eyes open during prayer, whispering scrutinizing remarks to Noelle, judging every gesture of the pastor. Time passed and suddenly I found my tired, exhausted body was letting go of stress and tension - and if there's anything that 3 years of acting school taught me - it's that a true release of stress will amount in a truth release of emotions. I blame work and weekend work and responsibility for what happened next. I had to fight back tears. Anyone who knows me, knows that I do not cry (unless I've drunk a debatable amount during senior week of college - then? I cry. A lot.)
So what pulled the trigger? Just words, verses, the Bible. No pastoral interpretation, no writhing parishioner, just the passage - hearing it out loud - tore me apart.
Since then, I've been thinking a lot.
Sunday night, I was sharing this all with my mother, who couldn't have been happier for my and Noelle's prodigal return, and our conversation began evolving. Slowly at first, from the church and sermon into biblical interpretation, into controversial issues, into my life and beyond. For some reason, without warning, my mother and I were analyzing my childhood. Finally, I divulged detail after detail of my college experiment. This includes the partying, the drinking, the "sexual encounters."
Granted, there wasn't too much detail - but enough for a relationship breakthrough with my mother. She provided the details of my childhood that gave me a point of reference for how I became adult mark and I gave her my point of reference for who I am now.
And how does my mother respond? Not with an assault of biblical proportions, but by asking me question after question. Why? Who? How? Detail after detail finally gave way to something I never thought I hear come from my mother's mouth. "Take your time, Mark. You'll figure you're life out and there's not rush right now to know everything about yourself."
It's a lot, I know. But there it is, typed out before me and I don't have to obscurely reference this period of my life anymore. I'm exposed. Our notions about who I am - me, Mark - are finally in line with one another.
I still don't grasp what this weekend means for my life. I can still feel the previous weights tediously hanging around my body, aching for the last harness to release these from my life. I don't know if that moment will ever actually come, but I do feel that I'm at an impasse. This is one of those moments where you're given a choice in your journey.
But, for once, I'm not going to rush into the next phase of my life. I'm going to think this one through and make a choice when I'm ready. If the tortoise can win the race slowly and steadily - then so can I. So in the meantime, I think I need a nap to clear my head.
It started Saturday. I don't know if I've made this clear about my life right now, but I work 5 days a week for the Executives of music video and commercial production at a high traffic production company. On top of my 50ish hour work week, I've been spending my Saturdays working as a PA on a reality show (whose name I can't disclose right now apparently). This entails 12 hours of PA-type work. The following is a list of typical PA-type requests:
"Mark!! Yes, you with the glasses! Can you please...."
1. "Bring this coffee to the talent crafty table?"
2. " Sort out these receipts?"
3. "Take x to the bathroom/smoking break/ personal freak out session?"
4. "Stand over there and hold that clip board"
5. "Take down the entire (120 person) crew's walkie numbers"
Me: "Don't we have that on a list already??"
Them: "Somewhere. I think it's in the production office"
Me: "Oh, so can I go get it?"
Them: "Um, I don't think it's printed. Yea, no, do it by hand, we need it now"
Me: "For what...."
Them: "Do you want to go back to standing over there with the clip board?"
Me: "Copy that."
Anyway, I digress - the point is, is that I work a lot. So my emotional/physical wherewithal is running dry. This particular Saturday, I was on set until 2 am. I'm certainly not complaining. I willingly signed up for this type of work. I just wanted to give a point of reference for the next 48 hours.
Sunday.
After going to bed at 3:30, I woke up a few hours later. I turned over to disable my alarm set for the day before and remembered that Noelle has asked me to come visit this church she's been going to. I thought about telling I didn't feel well or that I was still an empty shell of a PA from the night before, but I decided I should get up and go. We've talked about it for a while and, needless to say, I haven't been too proactive about following up on the offer.
I went. Oasis Church on Wilshire Blvd near my house. It was something like a religious rock concert complete with full lighting package, big TV's, band, singers, etc.. Apparently, the Los Angeles church imported the fever of Southern Gospel parishioners and handed it out at the door. Short of baptizing people on the spot, the house was filled with young and old all singing and worshiping. This wasn't the church I was brought up in.
Church/religion to me, at this age, has been a rocky road. I associate these things with my past, my childhood and my social scene. I went to Oasis and immediately saw my childhood. The people, the talk, the attitude - everything associated with my memory was there. The only thing that wasn't there - was me. Per Noelle's pretty spot-on analysis, I'm realizing that the difficulty in realizing my adult relationship with my faith is a product of the disconnect between adult Mark and childhood Mark. Making that connection is part of what's been holding me back.
Nevertheless, I sat through the service, my eyes open during prayer, whispering scrutinizing remarks to Noelle, judging every gesture of the pastor. Time passed and suddenly I found my tired, exhausted body was letting go of stress and tension - and if there's anything that 3 years of acting school taught me - it's that a true release of stress will amount in a truth release of emotions. I blame work and weekend work and responsibility for what happened next. I had to fight back tears. Anyone who knows me, knows that I do not cry (unless I've drunk a debatable amount during senior week of college - then? I cry. A lot.)
So what pulled the trigger? Just words, verses, the Bible. No pastoral interpretation, no writhing parishioner, just the passage - hearing it out loud - tore me apart.
Since then, I've been thinking a lot.
Sunday night, I was sharing this all with my mother, who couldn't have been happier for my and Noelle's prodigal return, and our conversation began evolving. Slowly at first, from the church and sermon into biblical interpretation, into controversial issues, into my life and beyond. For some reason, without warning, my mother and I were analyzing my childhood. Finally, I divulged detail after detail of my college experiment. This includes the partying, the drinking, the "sexual encounters."
Granted, there wasn't too much detail - but enough for a relationship breakthrough with my mother. She provided the details of my childhood that gave me a point of reference for how I became adult mark and I gave her my point of reference for who I am now.
And how does my mother respond? Not with an assault of biblical proportions, but by asking me question after question. Why? Who? How? Detail after detail finally gave way to something I never thought I hear come from my mother's mouth. "Take your time, Mark. You'll figure you're life out and there's not rush right now to know everything about yourself."
It's a lot, I know. But there it is, typed out before me and I don't have to obscurely reference this period of my life anymore. I'm exposed. Our notions about who I am - me, Mark - are finally in line with one another.
I still don't grasp what this weekend means for my life. I can still feel the previous weights tediously hanging around my body, aching for the last harness to release these from my life. I don't know if that moment will ever actually come, but I do feel that I'm at an impasse. This is one of those moments where you're given a choice in your journey.
But, for once, I'm not going to rush into the next phase of my life. I'm going to think this one through and make a choice when I'm ready. If the tortoise can win the race slowly and steadily - then so can I. So in the meantime, I think I need a nap to clear my head.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Change
change [cheynj]
verb, changed, chang·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
It's amazing much thought can be afforded to one word. Change. This word effectively umbrellas all the hot button issues of this race for the presidency. The American people are crying out for change and each party is taken note and espousing policies as far from the incumbent as humanly possible.
I just received my absentee ballot in the mail. Now what? I'm torn between both parties, I'll be honest. McCain uses the terms "Straight-talk Express" and Obama presses that McCain is out of touch with reality. The truth of the matter is, these politicians want votes. Will they say anything to get it?
I don't know what scares me more: McCain ending up being like Bush III or Obama not having a clue once he's in office. Time is the only solution to this problem - in the meantime, I have to figure out which of these are more threatening.
Obama is guaranteed "change" - for better or for worse. And McCain promises change with more experience to back up his claims. As the American public we now have the power to change the course of history and transform this country. This definitely is a change in seasons. It's a time for social change, but once the powers that be change hands - let's hope that they don't change their intentions for America.
verb, changed, chang·ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
| 1. | to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one's name; to change one's opinion; to change the course of history. |
| 2. | to transform or convert (usually fol. by into): The witch changed the prince into a toad. |
| 3. | to substitute another or others for; exchange for something else, usually of the same kind: She changed her shoes when she got home from the office. |
| 4. | to become different: Overnight the nation's mood changed. |
| 5. | to become altered or modified: Colors change if they are exposed to the sun. |
| 6. | to become transformed or converted (usually fol. by into): The toad changed into a prince again. |
| 7. | a variation or deviation: a change in the daily routine. |
| 8. | the substitution of one thing for another: We finally made the change to an oil-burning furnace. |
| 9. | the passing from one place, state, form, or phase to another: a change of seasons; social change. |
| 10. | the supplanting of one thing by another. |
| 11. | anything that is or may be substituted for another. |
| 12. | change front, Military. to shift a military force in another direction. |
| 13. | to change hands . |
| 14. | change one's mind, to change one's opinions or intentions. |
It's amazing much thought can be afforded to one word. Change. This word effectively umbrellas all the hot button issues of this race for the presidency. The American people are crying out for change and each party is taken note and espousing policies as far from the incumbent as humanly possible.
I just received my absentee ballot in the mail. Now what? I'm torn between both parties, I'll be honest. McCain uses the terms "Straight-talk Express" and Obama presses that McCain is out of touch with reality. The truth of the matter is, these politicians want votes. Will they say anything to get it?
I don't know what scares me more: McCain ending up being like Bush III or Obama not having a clue once he's in office. Time is the only solution to this problem - in the meantime, I have to figure out which of these are more threatening.
Obama is guaranteed "change" - for better or for worse. And McCain promises change with more experience to back up his claims. As the American public we now have the power to change the course of history and transform this country. This definitely is a change in seasons. It's a time for social change, but once the powers that be change hands - let's hope that they don't change their intentions for America.
Register to VOTE if you haven't already. You're not allowed to complain for the next four years if you don't!
http://www.rockthevote.org/
http://www.rockthevote.org/
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Addendum: Why have faith...
I was reading some random blogs and this was the actual post that brought back this whole religion issue from last week. Read if you like; I found this really interesting.Kabir is a Peace Corps Volunteer in Togo, West Africa. I just came across his blog today and I thought this entry was pretty enlightening. He asks the question: Why Islam?
Why have faith...
In today's increasingly faithless society, the question is coming up more and more: Why believe in God?
My roommate and I got into this discussion maybe a week ago now, and I couldn't help but get offended and miffed about his deviations from my opinion. Even though some time has passed, this conversation is still on my mind, and while I seemingly recoiled at his explanations, I think it's because I ask myself those same questions everyday.
Why is it that I believe in God? I grew in a deeply religious home, went to a private Christian school for 12 years and made church my foremost social platform. Given my circumstances growing up, I think I could have proceeded down two paths. First, I could have accepted everything I was taught and found nirvana at the ripe old age of 13, or I could rebel from the world I was brought up in and judge for myself where this faith would play a role in my life.
I took the latter of the two paths, but let me clarify this statement by saying I didn't rebel in the sense of abhorring God and religion. I didn't try other sects of beliefs. There was never a part of me that wanted to look outside Christianity, although I recognize the value of other beliefs (religious and otherwise); but part of me always knew that it was either this or nothing. I spent the end of my high school career and college years distancing myself from my inherited belief system. From time to time, I'd find myself back in a church, recharging from a prolonged state of hopelessness and wishing that I would just believe unconditionally. For a while I struggled between these extremes, trying to find moral immunity in the gray area between faith and human rationality.
That's what got me so fired up during our debate. My roommate asserted (he himself coming from a strict Catholic upbringing) that any person with rational thought couldn't possibly believe in religion - the converse assumption (by omission) was that religion is for the uneducated, irrational masses. Now, he never said that, but that's how I took the criticism.
After years of contemplating and fretting and killing myself to assert some kind of conclusion on this part of my life, I have come full circle. I realize that rationality is what brings me to my faith. Everything I've learned and experienced has been in the wake of my upbringing. Only after running away from this doctrine did I realize the extreme comfort and peace I had knowing that there was someone/thing above me with a larger purpose. Forgiveness for failures, hope for a brighter tomorrow, the freedom of relinquishing control over any area of my life; all of these things bring a sense of understanding to my life. Realizing that most things are out of my hands is probably the hardest thing I do on a daily basis. Still, every time I finally let go, things end up working out. Do I remember and adhere to these beliefs all of the time? Probably not as much as a I should - but then again, isn't that part of the journey?
Some people might view this philosophy as naive and irrational, but I have the freedom of choice and I choose to live my life this way. People have many different ways of figuring and hypothesizing and rationalizing the successes and tragedies in their lives. Some choose to believe solely in the power of themselves, while others choose to believe in a creator or ethereal watchman. Despite their vast difference, when you come right down to it, they are all simply variations on the same rationalizations.
My roommate and I got into this discussion maybe a week ago now, and I couldn't help but get offended and miffed about his deviations from my opinion. Even though some time has passed, this conversation is still on my mind, and while I seemingly recoiled at his explanations, I think it's because I ask myself those same questions everyday.
Why is it that I believe in God? I grew in a deeply religious home, went to a private Christian school for 12 years and made church my foremost social platform. Given my circumstances growing up, I think I could have proceeded down two paths. First, I could have accepted everything I was taught and found nirvana at the ripe old age of 13, or I could rebel from the world I was brought up in and judge for myself where this faith would play a role in my life.
I took the latter of the two paths, but let me clarify this statement by saying I didn't rebel in the sense of abhorring God and religion. I didn't try other sects of beliefs. There was never a part of me that wanted to look outside Christianity, although I recognize the value of other beliefs (religious and otherwise); but part of me always knew that it was either this or nothing. I spent the end of my high school career and college years distancing myself from my inherited belief system. From time to time, I'd find myself back in a church, recharging from a prolonged state of hopelessness and wishing that I would just believe unconditionally. For a while I struggled between these extremes, trying to find moral immunity in the gray area between faith and human rationality.
That's what got me so fired up during our debate. My roommate asserted (he himself coming from a strict Catholic upbringing) that any person with rational thought couldn't possibly believe in religion - the converse assumption (by omission) was that religion is for the uneducated, irrational masses. Now, he never said that, but that's how I took the criticism.
After years of contemplating and fretting and killing myself to assert some kind of conclusion on this part of my life, I have come full circle. I realize that rationality is what brings me to my faith. Everything I've learned and experienced has been in the wake of my upbringing. Only after running away from this doctrine did I realize the extreme comfort and peace I had knowing that there was someone/thing above me with a larger purpose. Forgiveness for failures, hope for a brighter tomorrow, the freedom of relinquishing control over any area of my life; all of these things bring a sense of understanding to my life. Realizing that most things are out of my hands is probably the hardest thing I do on a daily basis. Still, every time I finally let go, things end up working out. Do I remember and adhere to these beliefs all of the time? Probably not as much as a I should - but then again, isn't that part of the journey?
Some people might view this philosophy as naive and irrational, but I have the freedom of choice and I choose to live my life this way. People have many different ways of figuring and hypothesizing and rationalizing the successes and tragedies in their lives. Some choose to believe solely in the power of themselves, while others choose to believe in a creator or ethereal watchman. Despite their vast difference, when you come right down to it, they are all simply variations on the same rationalizations.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thank you Natalie
I want to have a party soon. But only for the purpose of having everyone use this....
Saturday, September 27, 2008
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