Friends, Lovers or Nothing

I've been listening to songs from John Mayer's upcoming album "Battle Studies," and I'm finding each song more and more applicable to my own experiences. It's been a while since I've connected to an artists' words so immediately or without straining to find meaning. Here's one that hit home a little more than the others:

And the lyrics...

Now that we are over

As the loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways
To keep the good alive

Only when we want is not
A compromise
Ill be pouring tears
Into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers, or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never be the inbetween
So give it up

You whisper "Come on over"
Cause your two drinks in
But in the morning I will say
Good-bye again

Think we'll never fall into
The jealous game
The streets will flood
With blood of those who felt the same

Friends, lovers, or nothing
You see
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never an inbetween
So give it up

Friends, lovers, or nothing
We can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
Don't you know
We'll never be the inbetween
So give it up

No we'll never the inbetween
So give it up

See Me Now

An endless cycle in the mind

It wanes and grows, it never dies

Each one adds one feeling more

The heart pounds. Still before.

See me now, what you've missed

watch my body, feel my kiss

hold your arms, to yourself

think of me, of what we felt...

Time can heal, time can break

unravel love, but never stake

your claim in me - exhaustion brings.

My heart unwinds. Your passion sings

See me now, what you miss

feel my body, taste my kiss

press my arms to yourself

think of me, of what we felt...

The sun shines differently today for you

but I know these words will never do

can love just vanish and fade

no, time can only change, what we have already made

See me now, what you'll miss

Heat my body, take my kiss

press your arms to the sky

think of me, watch me fly

See me now, what you'll miss

Heat my body, take my kiss

press your arms to the sky

think of me, watch me fly

watch me fly.

New Ink!

In the spirit of remembering where I came from as I continue on in my journey - a steady theme in my day to day life - I finally got my new tattoo courtesy of Bill at The Tattoo Lounge on Venice Blvd.

I first got the idea a year ago during Christmas when I saw the original design on a t-shirt at Ubiq in Philadelphia. When I finally returned home 8 months later, I went back and ended up chatting with one of the reps there. I explained to him the design and he said the artist was a buddy of his. I gave him my information with the thin hope that he might actually contact me. A few weeks later, there he was in my inbox. I told him what I wanted and why and he supplied me with a fresh version of the design.

I finally bit the bullet and made the appointment for Sunday. I couldn't be happier! Luckily, my friend was standing by to watch me cringe - and too my credit, I held my own pretty well! I will admit, my arm is pretty sore right now though! In any case, there she is!

Wanderlust

Runyan Canyon is a park above Sunset at the foot of the hills that separate the Valley from Los Angeles. I go here often to run, hike, do outdoor yoga and the like. My favorite portion of my routine lasts a mere 10 seconds as I run the decline back to my car. The road winds and winds and at the 4th or 5th bend, the city completely disappears behind the mountains. I relish in my fleeting escape; away from the constant gaze of the cityscape, I imagine I'm somewhere else. I like to think I'm running a tiny path that wraps around the Andes Mountains in Peru, or maybe a warm range in the arid mediterranean.

As much as I love my life here, I can't help ward off the familiar pangs of my wanderlust. To pick up and start over. To allow my roots to unfurl into nothing but seedlings of a new adventure. The prospects are quite appealing.

All the places I could see, the people I could say hello to,

the love I could encounter,

the loss I could feel,

the time I could waste,

the things I could neglect and forget.

Even the bad things sound kind of good. There's something comforting in loosing myself and living without ties and responsibility. I think I sometimes have an aversion to responsibility. I also think you could find a few people who might confirm this.

Like anything else, this lifestyle would age quickly and I'd want the comfort and security of a rooted life once again. So, I'll try less dramatic prescriptions and smaller dosages than a move around the world. I think I'll take up Spanish lessons or plan a road trip. Those sound like more responsible choices

Still, getting lost somewhere does sound nice now and again. I doubt that feeling will ever find its way from me.

Staying Present

In this day and age, where information moves at a mile a minute; in an industry where you're expected to be 10 steps ahead of the pack; in a community that is wrought with reliving its past - I'm finding this self-issued decree of staying present immensely difficult to maintain. I find that every time I'm feel ready to move on, my past comes knocking on my door. Conversely, I'm forced to look into the future and assess my moves now in order to survive the day-to-day.

A wise friend of a (also wise) friend once said, "If you straddle one foot in the past and one in the future, you'll find yourself shitting on today." Not the most eloquent turn of phrase, but an effective one nonetheless. I've said something similar many times - with all of this focus on my past (and in many cases, the future), it feels impossible to enjoy what I have now.

As I strike a balance between the past and the future - hopefully landing me somewhere in the present - my battle is being waged on the surprise ambushes from these opposing camps. Where my heart is concerned, I find more exhaustion in "moving on" then acting accordingly for any given situation. Moving on means cutting a piece of me off. It means, ideally, not gaining access to this part of me again. But what happens in the event if and when I need that access; to assess, to react, to act accordingly? I end up spending more energy pruning all of these emotional tendons then I do allowing them to slowly wither away.

I start to feel stupid asking for advice on the same old things, but again, letting go doesn't always seem like the most prudent choice or decision. As much as I fear the build up on either end of the time spectrum, I fear more losing those pieces. Are the too mutually exclusive? Can't there be a balance for both within the other balance? It's a lot to consider sometimes and more than some people care to understand, but that is where my head rests. While I try to lie between the past and the future, I work even harder at understanding and respecting both, rather than cutting either off or preemptively.

Ah yes, the all-too-familiar state of headiness. It's been a while, but it's still there, just below my surface.

A new season.

I'm finding difficulty with my words.

Living in my worlds.

Left LA, the summer behind

I freed my mind.

The seasons change, this one feels fresh

something new to quest

Bound or apart, my mind might race

Peace I find in one embrace

I keep restarting this entry - I couldn't finish the stanzas. It's been an intense couple of weeks since being back. Fall has certainly arrived. I feel the new season in almost every aspect of my life. Having spent so much time away from LA, I've come back and seen my day-to-day life for what it is. I enjoy my routine. I enjoy my work; this freelancing, working for myself, having my own office with my best friend. Things are hard sometimes, but I manage. I support myself. I maintain great friendships. I have a home. I feel like I have a future.

These feelings are all fleeting. My life feels so incremental, each notch a different emotive state, it's incredible that I can write this entry through without changing my mind. For now though, I'm enjoying the change in season. I enjoyed the rain today - the first rain which always feels the city feeling clean.

I think I feel cleaner now. Not too sure why. Some clarity has come over the last month or so. Something of confidence or assurance in my life. I feel like I'm learning who I am at a faster pace now. Without the hurdles of adolesence or schoolwork, or becoming an adult or finding a job - I'm jumping with more agility. My feet seem to be landing square on the ground.

This day-to-day feels very different from when I left. The rain is washing away some of the dust and haze of the warmer months. I stood on the top of Runyan Canyon for the first time in a long while yesterday, the cooler air filling my lungs, looking at the reflection of the waning sun on the ocean miles away and I felt truly happy.

I'm sure some crisis will come along soon enough and I'll write multiple entries to this one to help cope. In the meantime, I think I'm learning the value of being present and enjoying the moment in my work, in my relationships, in my daily life. Maybe that is what feels different. I'm not calculating outcomes or exit strategies; instead, I'm finding the peace in the moment. In feeling and acknowledging and moving forward. Maybe that's it.

Total Recall

I'm not really sure how to start this post. It's been nearly a month since being in LA and this time has been some of the most stressful, rewarding, liberating and enlightening weeks of my life.

I've spent the better part of this month producing a commercial for my Alma Mater, Emerson College in Boston with my company Movie Magic. While here, I was able to visit some of my best friends, make some new ones and really get a trial-by-fire education in my profession and business.

I spent the month being in charge of an extremely talented team. We rejoiced with our successes, mourned our losses and laughed at our exhaustion. I don't think I've been this tired in a very long time. Despite the blood, sweat and tears, I feel more capable. I feel empowered. I'm excited about my company and moving it forward. I miss my office, my bed, my friends, my life; but I think leaving LA was one of the best things I could have done this month.

Aside from the business oriented lessons, I've learned a great deal about people and the relationships I keep. Again, I found myself at the mercy of the power of human interaction - that for 10 successes, one downturn or negative thought can poison you. I saw the wear of time on friendships; observed how some mold and deteriorate and others ferment and improve with time and space.

I also met my family for the first time in nearly a year. I saw my sister and her very pregnant stomach. I felt my nephew kick. I met my parents at yet another level of understanding and I sit now in my childhood room and feel comforted still. My mind and body are looking into the future, into places even further than they are now, but I still feel a connection here.

I barely had any time to think or sit or be alone, but I managed, somehow, to make new connections and reflect on my recent history. I feel blessed for this last month; this opportunity to grow as an entrepreneur, as a friend, a brother, a son, a person.

The next few weeks will be filled with challenges: staying on task, not feeding the urge to ignore my growing laundry list of "to-do's" and to stay proactive. I will indulge in deep breaths now and focus on the next few steps. I feel like they are going to continue to grow larger. I feel myself growing and my stride widening and I don't want to lose momentum.

Thank you for the support! Homeward bound... the incredible journey begins continues.

So it begins...

Here's where I'll be spending the next few weeks of my life in Boston.

Worth the Wait

I can say unabashedly, that August has been the most difficult month for me since moving to Los Angeles for work. Production in the mainstream has been slow and job after job has fallen through. True to form, I've been in and out of a quiet panic deep inside my head. Even truer to form, things ended up being OK. I booked a producing job that will uproot me from Los Angeles and temporarily plant me back in Boston and New York.

Being able to travel for work is a huge blessing and while many jobs fell through, it seems I had to wait for the better opportunity. This wasteland of work has allowed me to really focus on Movie Magic Media and build our credit list (we were just awarded our first professional music video, The Summer Set with Razor and Tie in NY, that shoots this weekend.), organize our space and nurse this company to life. Not only will I be producing this commercial, but MMM has been awarded the job. This is the first large-scale job awarded to the company by a third party.

The icing on the cake is that I will also have a chance to travel home to Philly and see my family for a few days. I hoping to piggy back the trips, but this means I'll be out of LA for nearly a month. I'm excited to get away on a great job, see my family and come back to LA with a fresh perspective. (There's that word again.)

So, it's time to gear up for a hard, but rewarding couple of weeks. It's time to recharge my West Coast battery with a little East Coast love. I'm out on a redeye on Tuesday.

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PR6 Premiere Party. Thompson Hotel roof in Beverly Hills!