Unemployment: Week 2

A week has passed and another week moves on. Since we last spoke, I've had three interviews, worked on a video and lined up some assistant gigs. Other notables include being awarded unemployment by the state of California, having an SUV almost crash through the large window in my living room and hiking, a lot of hiking.

Remember that time I said that transitory part of my life (and this blog) had mostly come to an end? Maybe I spoke to soon, but I think it's more likely that I just misspoke. Transition is an ongoing, ever-evolving part of our daily lives. We are creatures designed to adapt - from one situation to the next, one job to the next, one relationship to the next - you get the picture. Just when you think you have figured everything out in your life, God or the universe or whatever you believe in throws you curve ball. It knocks you down and its up to you to pick up the pieces and regroup.

This new lifestyle has been very bittersweet. I love having all of this time to myself to get my administrative tasks done, to meet with friends, to be out in the sun. Conversely, I hate having all of this time to myself, to live in silence and thought, to worry about where my income is going to come from. Then again, it's given me time to think about better things, explore Los Angeles more and pray. Do you see where I am going with this?

Despite all of this pseudo-intellectual surmising and pontification (you like that?), I can say one thing with absolute certainty. I've been shown a great deal of support from my family and friends. For this I'm truly thankful. I've found energy and motivation in talking to my ongoing support system and in finding new ways to reconnect with my growing system out here. Never underestimate the power of showing someone you care. The smallest sign of understanding and concern can go a long, long way.

And for this, I thank you all!

Economy 101

I've taken to the throngs of coffee shop callers and daytime dealers. I've been stripped of my posh office space and forced to do business from mobile wireless connections. That's right, I've be laid off. I've been assured that this is strictly a sign of the times, not personal and so on. The director who I assisted has apologized profusely over the phone, in person, sober, inebriated, backwards and forwards. The fact remains though, that I am jobless. I am like so many Californians (and Americans) trying to apply for unemployment, trying to reach out in every direction for help.

So what? Do I decry what millions have done before me? Am I ashamed of having my days to myself, to the sun, to the world around me? Well, actually, I kind of am. I actually think this is the first time I wish I was back at school. But, that stops now! This isn't personal and I'm a damned good worker. I went from intern to 2nd executive assistant to director's assistant - all the while working in freelance production, starting a new production company and getting my acting career started. I won't be forced to focus on the grave, but on what I have accomplished already.

Frankly, I do not have time to worry and have a pity party for myself. I acknowledge my circumstances, pick up the pieces and forge a new path. This isn't the first time I've had to do so and I'm sure it won't be the last.

So, as I sit in a coffee shop a few blocks from my apartment at 12:20 pm, listening to Beyonce over the loudspeakers, watching a dozen or so pair of hands feverishly type on their Macs and PCs, I'm pushing aside thoughts that will bring me down. There's no point to fret, because this simply is not in my hands. I will work my hardest to put one foot in front of the other. I will be proactive and use my support system to seek out new options. I will pray and trust that God has a bigger plan than I realize. This is the only option I have.

I already see a few glimmers of hope, catching the draft from a few doors that are starting to open. Change, again, has happened into my life and I'll welcome it to the best of my ability.

Uganda

Watoto Children's Choir at Church

Spring Cleaning

This week has not been an easy one. I found myself in the emotional moors of years past. It's funny how easily you can find yourself churning the same thoughts you were so sure you outgrew. I'm finding that every state of mind we live in - no matter how distant or obscure or unwanted - each one leaves a footprint behind, a shadow, a desktop shortcut that only needs a double click to be brought back to life.

I've said this many times, but I pride myself in the fact that I am who I am not only because of my present, but because of my past. I do not run away from what I've left behind and I know that things happen for a reason. Well, I think I might need to really own up to my assertions.

Even the most removed emotions - that state-of-mind we never want to encounter again - they still exist within us. They don't disappear never to be seen again; instead, they leave a little imprint behind, more easily accessible then I'd like to pretend. Nevertheless, they are there for a reason. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, a cautious reminder of our mistakes, a friendly nudge to remember the ones we've lost, a quick smack on the back of our heads that screams, "What are you thinking?!" Whatever it may be, it exists. There's no use pretending it doesn't.

I found myself getting quite a few reminders, nudges and smacks this week. One after the other really - and I found myself sifting through my emotional closet, trying to reorganize some things, hide some things, make room for some new things. But what started out as frantic Spring cleaning (as today is the first day of Spring .... already?) ended in praise.

I'm realizing that this emotional recall is a blessing in disguise. It gives me layers and armor and pieces to my growing puzzle. These imprints, once identified, will be recognized forever. I won't have to worry about what's going on inside of me or why I feel this way - I'll already know because I've been here before. I'll be able to help others from my personal experiences.

It's important in all of this, however, not to get caught in the trap: "I'm here again? I haven't really grown at all!" It's easy to feel this way about your life from time to time, but its crucial to remember that a lesson has many points - and sometimes it's necessary to reread your notes to understand the full teaching.

This week has not been the easiest one, but I cry because I remember, I remember because I love, and I love because I grow. We are in a constant state of growth.

I can't figure out the words.

I'm having a hard time constructing my thoughts.

I can't really say what I want to say.

I don't know what I should say.

I know exactly where I was a year ago today - down to the hour, minute, second.

I'm sorry for calling before you knew.

I miss you all.

I know we started something big.

I know there's a lot more jokes being told then tears being shed.

I know you're stronger than most.

I feel weaker sometimes.

I cry more.

I smile more.

I pray more.

You love more.

Your heart grows bigger.

The heavens get brighter.

The well dries up...

The water overflows.

I can't construct my sentences and manipulate my pen to tell you why.

I know there's a plan.

I know there's pain.

I know I'll be here and you'll be here.

I know he's there and I know He's there.

I know you know this.

I think that means we know enough.

I hope you're smiling.

Beads. Flowers. Freedom. Happiness.

I've been having some serious nostalgia this past week. My first semester in college, I was fortunate enough to be part of the cast of musical HAIR. It was possibly my favorite theater experience, not just because of the show itself, but because of the bond, the friendships, the feeling I had when we all sang together with this unified voice. To this day, more than 3 years later, I'll still hear from my tribemates asking how I am, a "yip" here and there or just some simple words of encouragement.

This show was so important for me because it was the beginning of my time at Emerson and provided this huge support system in a new environment. Rehearsals weren't just singing and staging, it was communion with a group of people who embraced each other. There's this love that just doesn't die. HAIR is that sort of show. The issues are timeless, the message is timeless, the spirit is timeless. OK, I'm getting a little too deep. I guess I'm just sending out a little YIP YIP into the universe and hope my Tipaku Tribe hears it.

Sidenote: Two of my tribemates (Maya Sharpe and Briana Carlson-Goodman) are in Broadway Cast that is now showing. Check out the website HERE!

We starve - look

At one another

Short of breath

Walking proudly in out winter coats

Wearing smells from laboratories

Facing a dying nation

Of moving paper fantasy

Listening to the new told lies

With supreme visions of lonely tunes

...Let the sunshine in!

The Job of the Actor

As I start/continue to pursue acting on a professional level, I have started reading old plays and curriculum from college. This week I picked up an amazing book from one of my acting classes "A Practical Handbook for the Actor" by Melissa Bruder and a list of others. The authors studied under David Mamet and and is full of clear ideas and explanations and is by far one of my favorite books on the subject. In the chapter for which entry is named, there was a passage that really stuck out to me:

"Acting requires common sense, bravery, and a lot of will: the common sense to translate whatever you are given into simple actable terms; the bravery to throw yourself in the action of the play despite hear of failure, self-consciousness, and a thousand other obstacles; and the will to adhere to your ideals. even though it might not be the easiest thing to do.

In our world, it is becoming harder and harder to communicate with each other simply and honestly, on a gut level. Yet we still go to the theatre to have a communion with the truth of our existence, and, ideally, we leave it knowing that that kind of communication is still possible...

The theatre may now be the only place in society where people can go to hear the truth."

I'll be posting more about this topic as I continue to dive further and further in, but I thought this was a great passage to get me started. It speaks to something beyond the art of acting - that our society is deprived of real communication. We sit at our desks with our AIM open having 10 conversations while our Gmail chat pings and our Facebook chat blips. All of this while updating a status for each in addition to our Twitter account.... from our Blackberry/iPhone... while driving.

I say this because I'm responsible for said communication cluster fuck (pardon the term). We've allowed ourselves to remove real interaction from our lives and replace it a watered-down version that requires little to no responsibility or reaction on our part.

Sorry. I digress. The passage also highlights the reason why I've always wanted to act. This idea of "communion" with reality is incredibly powerful. To have the ability to take however many people on a journey with you through the annals of the human psyche - to help them forget their own problems - to help them find a truth that they couldn't see before; and all of this simply from playing make believe. It's a wonderful gift. One that I am anxious and excited to pursue.

Addendum

I just received a text from a friend regarding the last entry I wrote. Can I just say that nothing makes me happier with regards to this blog, than hearing that someone has been reading and, even better, that they have an opinion about what I wrote. So, for this reason, I keep writing.

The texts I received were very encouraging as the person explained how the entry hit them today right where they were in their emotional life. Probably the most striking response they had was saying, "I know! Part of me hates admitting to myself that I'm lost in a sense." What strong words and, still, so relevant to everything going on. I'll speak from personal experience that probably the hardest thing I've done in my life - being as prideful as I am - is admitting that I'm lost, that I need help, and that I've seriously messed up.

It seems to me that admitting this is when things become clear, and in a sense, the most confusing. Suddenly, you find yourself in a position to heal and learn and grow, but you have this internal struggle raging on inside you: Am I adequately equipped? Can I strong enough? Am I ready? What if I fail?

I think it's important to put all of this in perspective. The most important step in any journey is the first - the commitment to admission, to change, to grow. Whether this is in the areas of faith, family, your career or love - the first step is saying to yourself, "I'm ready." So, you admit to yourself that you were wrong or you ask someone for a helping hand. You say EVERYTHING you need to say, so you know you said it - and THEN you move forward.

I told my friend that the battles we wage aren't easy ones and it is hardest fighting alone. No man is an army and no man has the ability to absolve himself completely. We need to make active steps in our lives and, just as importantly, surround ourselves with like-minded people who will help us grow. And by like-minded, I don't mean ideological clones, but people who understand the value of the journey and can reinforce the steps necessary to grow.

Recently, I've been blessed a few of those people in my new life here. I've also been blessed with the reminder of a few good soldiers from my past.

Spiritual Cleansing?

I've been taking classes at my church, Oasis, for the past few months and this week I started a new one: The Road to Freedom. The class essentially is an opportunity to examine the things in your life that take precedence over your relationship with God, isolate them and rid yourself of them. It's a three week class: Week 1 Introduction, Week 2 Action, Week 3 Follow Up.

I went into this class with a pretty open heart - although, truth be told, I've been struggling with my own demons lately. I've found myself questioning my motives for being at church or in class. I sometimes have this sinking feeling that I'm not worthy of being there or that I'm not good enough. I think everyone feels that at some point or another. Still, I know none of this is true, but as a Christian getting back into the swing of things, that a difficult feeling to push aside.

Anyway, so I went to class, not really knowing what to expect, but available to the concept. Half way through, I noticed how incredibly uncomfortable I was with what the leaders were talking about. The exercise they described really put me in a weird state of mind. I won't go into the details as I don't want anyone to be turned off to something of a similar nature just because of my opinions.

I left that night, deciding I wouldn't come back for this particular class. At the same time, I felt wrong for not adhering to these ideas. I felt that maybe this made me weaker and younger in my faith. I felt guilty that I had decided to "ignore God." So what does one do when they are in a heightened state of guilt? Call mom.

I explained the situation to my mother and before I can finish she says, "Oh this just doesn't sound right for you!!" I tried to explain to her that I felt like maybe because I was so uncomfortable, I should just suffer in silence and complete the course; that I might be silencing a great opportunity because a small discomfort. My mom explained to me (in that way all mothers can make everything seem crystal clear) that spiritual growth was not contingent on suffering. The church is led my human beings, not God Himself. There are many methods for many believers and there is no obligation on my part to participate in every form of spiritual reproof. "And besides, I don't think you're the type of person who would respond to a class like this. I just know you."

I was blessed with a mother who has an incredible intuition and she's right. I have had nothing but positive experiences at Oasis Church and this was the first thing I encountered that made me question the motives of its leaders. I realized that I didn't have to be discouraged about this. Everyone has a different way of worshipping and being close to God. There's no reason why I should feel inferior for not responding to one method.

Thanks for clearing that up mom.

Movie Magic

I'm going to Palm Spring this weekend to scout and brainstorm for Movie Magic Media's next film. It's a horror film, feature-length, based in improvisation. That's about all I'll say of it now.

I'm excited to get going. Going with a few good friends to scout locations - a few houses, Joshua Tree, The Saltan Sea - see what speaks to our inner-horror aficionados. Let's be serious though, a little vacation is always nice. Palm Springs is always a good time. Even if we're working, we'll be by the pool or hiking or exploring these locations.

In addition to starting a new production, on March 17th, we'll be screening Door to Door at The Wilshire Screening Room. We've begun the festival submission process and have been accepted into one small one so far. All of these small victories keep adding up!

I'm proud of Movie Magic Media. There's so many ideas pumping through our budding company and we're pursing them. We're working creatively and making stuff happen. This has been hugely important for me the past year. To have a solid creative outlet and to be working for yourself is a great feeling.

I'm always thankful for these opportunities to work with my friends on something new and exciting. I guess that's all I really wanted to say!

"And oh my heart is smiling"

Earlier this week, I got an email from one of my closest friends and roommate from Emerson, Mahri. She had emailed a few people in our circle something she had written. It struck me so hard. She's an incredible author and musician. I find myself listening to her music often as she has this uncanny ability to speak to her audience in this universal way. She wrote:

"Feel like its time 'cause I've followed the signs for all my life,

And oh my heart is smiling

Need for my wish and my stars to align, 'cause in this life,

The heart grows tired of smiling

I'll never control my desires, we live for hunger

Till my last breath I will feel, only LOVE"

Each phrase speaks to a very different emotion. It seems to outline a journey.

First, that feeling that everything up to this point has primed you for what's next. You walk through the door happy and ready to accept it. Next, what if it isn't time? How can we be sure about what's coming next or what we're prepared for? Doesn't the old adage suggest that nothing can truly prepare you for life? Sometimes amidst all the understanding, you lose yourself. You grow frustrated as you analyze everything and try to itemize everything to the point of understanding nothing! Finally -and this is my favorite - she says that trying to comprehend and catagorize your life is pointless. Ultimately, our desires and needs will pull us, or motivate us, forward. We're on a journey purposefully, and sometimes blissfully ignorant, towards our own final goal.

Now, I'm sure I'll get a call from Mahri asking me about this interpretation, but I can't help it. That's what I see and, again, why I think Mahri's music and words are great. You can see yourself in what she writes. And that's what I'm saying.

Check out Mahri's stuff on her Myspace (also on the side navigation bar).

Untitled II

Controlling desires, two feet inspired

One step towards what others teach

What holds us back, keeps us looking back

One temptation beyond our slightest reach

Is is worth the fight, worth the endless nights

One dream away from insanity

Should we keep it inside, maintain our pride

One sentence past a healthy plea

Still doubts remain, no end to claim

A novel unfinished on our shelf

Still, questions arise and questions deprive

Memories past and a future's wealth

But keep your feet firm and each step you'll earn

One more mile along your way

Makes it worth the hurt, a new rebirth

One more layer around us, here to stay

Weird

1. Passed out all day on the beach. Got seriously burned. It was February.

2. Watched as a naked man stood on the cross of a church steeple next to my house. He proclaimed that he was ready to jump - he didn't believe in God or the institution of the Church. He went to the bathroom in his hand and smeared it on the cross. After 10 hours, he was finally coerced off the cross to the ground. He's safe. I went to church twice on Sunday.

3. Talked a little too much and realized my friends are pretty nice for listening to me all the time.

4. Made a long "To Do" list mentally all weekend - it involved bills and career moves.

5. Couldn't turn my brain off this weekend. Thought about too many scenarios. Made some valiant efforts. Made some realizations. Some made me angry - others surprised me. One of them is that I've become a person willing to be vulnerable. Another is that I'm a person who knows what he wants.

6. Decided to take some more things into my own hands.

7. Decide to relinquish control of some things.

8. Talked to my Four this weekend. It's official - we're adults. Our friendships have started over and it's going to take more effort than we originally thought to stay close. I miss you guys.

9. Hung out on my roof with my building-mates to tan. Had a Tecate, some Ruffles and a Slurpie - looked out over the roof's edge and stared at the snow-capped mountains behind Downtown sky line

10. I realized that I love Los Angeles and California.