"Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself"
                                                                                  -Charlie Chaplin

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Addendum: Why have faith...

I was reading some random blogs and this was the actual post that brought back this whole religion issue from last week. Read if you like; I found this really interesting.

Kabir is a Peace Corps Volunteer in Togo, West Africa. I just came across his blog today and I thought this entry was pretty enlightening. He asks the question: Why Islam?

Why have faith...

In today's increasingly faithless society, the question is coming up more and more: Why believe in God?

My roommate and I got into this discussion maybe a week ago now, and I couldn't help but get offended and miffed about his deviations from my opinion. Even though some time has passed, this conversation is still on my mind, and while I seemingly recoiled at his explanations, I think it's because I ask myself those same questions everyday.

Why is it that I believe in God? I grew in a deeply religious home, went to a private Christian school for 12 years and made church my foremost social platform. Given my circumstances growing up, I think I could have proceeded down two paths. First, I could have accepted everything I was taught and found nirvana at the ripe old age of 13, or I could rebel from the world I was brought up in and judge for myself where this faith would play a role in my life.

I took the latter of the two paths, but let me clarify this statement by saying I didn't rebel in the sense of abhorring God and religion. I didn't try other sects of beliefs. There was never a part of me that wanted to look outside Christianity, although I recognize the value of other beliefs (religious and otherwise); but part of me always knew that it was either this or nothing. I spent the end of my high school career and college years distancing myself from my inherited belief system. From time to time, I'd find myself back in a church, recharging from a prolonged state of hopelessness and wishing that I would just believe unconditionally. For a while I struggled between these extremes, trying to find moral immunity in the gray area between faith and human rationality.

That's what got me so fired up during our debate. My roommate asserted (he himself coming from a strict Catholic upbringing) that any person with rational thought couldn't possibly believe in religion - the converse assumption (by omission) was that religion is for the uneducated, irrational masses. Now, he never said that, but that's how I took the criticism.

After years of contemplating and fretting and killing myself to assert some kind of conclusion on this part of my life, I have come full circle. I realize that rationality is what brings me to my faith. Everything I've learned and experienced has been in the wake of my upbringing. Only after running away from this doctrine did I realize the extreme comfort and peace I had knowing that there was someone/thing above me with a larger purpose. Forgiveness for failures, hope for a brighter tomorrow, the freedom of relinquishing control over any area of my life; all of these things bring a sense of understanding to my life. Realizing that most things are out of my hands is probably the hardest thing I do on a daily basis. Still, every time I finally let go, things end up working out. Do I remember and adhere to these beliefs all of the time? Probably not as much as a I should - but then again, isn't that part of the journey?

Some people might view this philosophy as naive and irrational, but I have the freedom of choice and I choose to live my life this way. People have many different ways of figuring and hypothesizing and rationalizing the successes and tragedies in their lives. Some choose to believe solely in the power of themselves, while others choose to believe in a creator or ethereal watchman. Despite their vast difference, when you come right down to it, they are all simply variations on the same rationalizations.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Thank you Natalie

I want to have a party soon. But only for the purpose of having everyone use this....

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Hello weekend...

The end of a very long day... Beach tomorrow? Yes.

Saturday

Spending Saturday working on set in Downtown.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Today's Lesson: Relative Geography

So I was talking to Natalie today about Boston and Los Angeles and it suddenly hit me: A 20 minute drive in Los Angeles is equivalent to a 20 minutes walk in Boston. Am I so jaded that I completely forgot that while living in Boston, I was within a 20 minutes walk of almost anything I needed? Let's compare:

Commute to School -
10 minute walk from my apartment across the commons
Commute to Work - 15 minute drive from my apartment across the 10 Freeway

Trip for Cafe Podema (Frozen Yogurt)
- 3 minute walk around the corner from my aparment
Trip to Yogurtland (Fresh Vegetables) - 5 minute drive up La Brea from my apartment

Frantic Trip(s) to Mass General Hospital - 10/7/3 minute walk/jog/sprint to ER
Frantic Trip to Cedar Sinai Hospital - 15/15/15 minute Sunday stroll/drive/race to ER

Those are just a few examples of the relative distances I speak of. I just included the essentials, in their order of importance. The last one - the driving style doesn't matter where traffic is involved in Los Angeles.

Let's take a look at the bigger picture.

Exhibit A:
This is Boston proper. Daily business was conducted more or less in this area. I even included part of Cambridge for good measure. I lived in the area marked Beacon Hill with Mahri. Gas lamps, cobblestones and little shops everywhere. I miss it.

Exhibit B

This is the Greater Los Angeles area. Daily business can be conducted anywhere on this map. You never know where the day's work will take you. Assistant runs at work, weekend gigs on set, auditioning and the like - it's all fair game. If you can make it out, I live right next to that red dot north of the 10, South of the 101, East of the 405 and West of the 110. Good, you'll never figure that one out.

So what does this lesson teach us? What the hell were we thinking in Boston? Remember all those times that we were too lazy to take the 15 minutes commute to a show in Cambridge. Or a 10 minute walk back to school because you left your cell phone in the computer lab was a hassle? Or how about whining that someone lives in Coolidge Corner?! How lame to use distance as an excuse for not seeing friends while living in Boston. I guess, for that, I'm sorry.

I miss that Boston geographic scale. I remember leaving the city for breaks and vacations, how strange it was to look in the rear view mirror and see my little bubble of a city disappear into the horizon. Everything I needed was in this little microcosm. Now, that perspective is from a window seat of a Delta flight. As the plane swings over the coastline and turns back East, back to what used to be home, this perspective becomes more and more familiar. My perspectives are shifting constantly, but it's only every now and then that I am aware of the subconscious realignment. I miss Boston, but now, I'd also miss LA - I'd miss it a very great deal.

Oh, I almost forgot a crucial part to this lesson. What about the perspective and relative geography of my childhood? Here's that map.

Exhibit C
The King of Prussia Mall.

THE END.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

On My Mind

1. New York City/Brooklyn - Maybe I mean the East Coast in general, or maybe it's because when I talk to work people in New York I can hear the background noise... I don't know. Maybe it's because I never gave life there a chance...

2. Cold Weather - It's such a weird feeling that the only change in weather is a slight decrease in temperature at night. People keep commenting on the changing weather back home, but I'm still going to beach regularly (I love that Starbucks in Palisades Village after getting sun burnt)

3. Anonymous details ... wish they weren't anonymous.

4. Changes, lot's of changes - I think it hit me more today than ever. Driving into work today, I realized that I was obeying every road rule known to man. I think that was more for the sake of taking my time then safety.

5. That freaking dream from the other night - it's long and complicated, but needless to say, I've never in my life had dream physically affect me the way this one did. Basically, I woke up in tears. That's never happened.

6. Health - I need to start working out. Sitting at a desk all day is bad for the eyes and I feel all squishy.

7. Boston - I know, I know... but I do miss walking through Beacon Hill to class, having a cup of coffee on Newbury St. and even sitting in the Commons to do homework. Well, I don't miss homework. I also miss coming home to Mahri.

8.
9.
10....

Sunday, September 21, 2008

TOP SECRET DAY OF WORK

After a weekend in bed, I'm back to work ...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Fortune Cookie

Hidden in a valley beside an open
stream this will be the type of place
where you will find your dream.
3 20 17 25 45, 3

... I don't know. You tell me.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Haze Warning

I woke up yesterday in a bit of haze. My hearing was cloudy and my balance off. I couldn't shake it all day. I woke up again today, still hazy. My comprehension level has significantly dropped and my ability to retain information is almost at zero. I believe that means I am ready for the weekend.

Possible reasons for my less than stellar mindset:

1) Lack of sleep ....
1) Strike that ... Lack of normal Starbucks intake
2) The Economy
3) Election news overload
4) Radiation poison from my computer screen
5) Lack of creative output

Well, that's a start I suppose. Until told otherwise, this week's forecast is as follows:

Monday: Cloudy
Tuesday: Partially Cloudy
Wednesday: Hazy
Thursday: Still Hazy
Friday: Partially Sunny
Saturday: Sunny and Breezy
Sunday: Project Runway

Wicka-what?! Oh, yea. I get to PA on Project Runway this weekend! Maybe Tim Gunn will re-style me. Maybe Heidi and I will run away together (slash away from Seal ... who just wrapped a new music video? "Kissed By a Rose: Part Deux"?). Most likely, I'll just get coffee for everyone. Oh well.

Monday, September 15, 2008

A good realization...
















Work it out.

A couple of realizations

When people ask me about living in Los Angeles: "What's it like out there?" "Is it hard to move West from the East?" "Is it lonely?" - I've always said that the most important thing in LA is a strong support system. That's a pretty tall order no matter where you live. Building relationships on a solid foundation of trust can be a difficult task. It seems even harder in an new environment and harder still in a place like LA.

I had a few unsettling realizations this weekend.

There always comes a point in my stays in LA where I start to really see people. I mean, I begin to see how they value their relationships, what they want in life and what their real intentions are. That's pretty difficult to face and at this point of my trip, I usually get to run away from the ugly truth and go home. I no longer have that luxury. Now, my challenge is seeing these qualities and dealing with it. I am struggling between two extremes: Being open to the world around me, so I am available to meet new people and learn new things. Am I too open? Am I making my self susceptible to the superficiality around me? Am I setting myself up to get hurt. The other extreme is keeping myself guarded. I am doing my best to tread lightly through this alien landscape. In the wake of the former, I close up as to protect myself from rejection and loneliness. Am I missing out? Which of the two is worse.

A harder realization, along with recognizing the intentions of the people around me, is that everyone here wants somethings. They want an "in," a "connection." They want their name on a list, a VIP booth and the spot closest to the celebrity around them. I suppose that's everywhere, but it is definitely more apparent in this setting. I marvel how well people in Los Angeles gamble. they play their connections like cards, carefully wielding their best hand at the most opportune moment. Everyone, anywhere, likes to feel that they have some control over the people around them; they want power. I hate that people treat others like their meal ticket, their "in," their connection. I hate that unless you are privy to the exclusive, you can't be privy to the general populace. I hate feeling like that's how you make friends here. And even worse, I hate that despite all this 'hate', I am realizing that I am also one of these people. I can complain about this day-in and day-out, but that sad truth is is that, at least part of me, wants to be friends with "the cool kids" and be in the "in crowd."

Finally, I had a realization on Sunday. Oh, the Sunday realization. I think this comes every week now. It started a while ago. It wasn't anything more than an itch, a little bug bite, an annoyance that I swatted away from time to time. Over time, the fly got bigger, the bite stronger and the venom more toxic. Every Sunday evening, I toss and turn in my bed, struggling to come to grips with my life here. I wake up the next morning, barely rested, mind reeling, unable pull myself from under my sheets. At this age, the ripe old age of 22, it's becoming clearer to me that now is the time to pursue my dreams. Every day I need to take a proactive step towards one goal before I can achieve many. This leads to another realization about my life. One that requires a leap of faith. Per my usual neurosis, I am obsessing over something that is ultimately not in my control. Once again, I need to let go to get by. Once I voice my concern to the universe, and let things be, it will work out. And I can safely say that after 22 years, that doesn't get any easier.

Here's one more realization actually. That support system I always talk about. That oh-so-necessary foundation - I realized this weekend that I'm actually finding one. A new one. I will never be able to replace the people that have carried through life this far; that foursome from the formative years, my family from college and now, a shiny new set of roots. Roots that keep me aware and grounded and abreast of the reality of my life here. I am fortunate for this final realization. Without this last one, those others would most likely snowball into a nervous breakdown. So, with that I say: Thank you for being there and understanding and slapping me across the face when I act like an asshole, because anyone who knows me well enough knows that I need to be slapped now and again.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Castle

Still here...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Magic Castle

Yes, it exists. And yes, we are here!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

New Pussycat Dolls Vid

I got the chance to go on set last night with my company for the New Pussycat Dolls music. What started as a visit turned into work. I was on set until 3 am. It was a really great experience to observe and help all these people I talk to on the phone day-in and day-out. The new track is titled "Whatcha Think About That" and it features Missy Elliot. There were lots of teenie tiny costumes. And booty shaking... lots of booty shaking. Typical.

Here's a shot of the girls getting thier last look before a take. The choreography for this section was actually pretty great.

View from director's gallery.


Another shot of the girls dancing. Long night. A good night nonetheless.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

ZODIAC

My friend AJ hooked up me and some friends with tickets/passes to this new show ZODIAC. Sponsored by Interscope Records and performing at Avalon in Hollywood, this eclectic show spanned the genres of rock, opera, hip hop, modern dance, jazz, acrobatics and all with energy! I didn't know what to expect, but as I stood for 45 minutes waiting for the crowd to settle and the show to start, I began to get idea of the evening I was in for. All walks of life were present for the performance MC'ed by a tall, black (and hilarious) drag queen. Here's some shots:

This lovely lady belted some siren song for us as two modern dance performers told a story about their relationship woes.















I know it's hard to make out, but this is a shot of a cube suspended in the air above the theater. Two woman proceeded to hold on as it was lifted, swinging, bending and contorting together. It was incredible and made me fear for their lives the entire time.















Here, Carmit (former Pussycat Doll circa "Buttons") lays down a hip hop track with some help from back up dancers and performers. After showing us her vocal chops, she ripped off her skirt and joined the dancers.















This guy's name is Adam ... and his voice is unreal. His ability to touch the stratosphere with his vocal chords is unbelievable. Also in this set were a number of belly dancers wielding torches. They, in turn, lit Adam's spear on fire as the choreography ensued. Incredible vocals, dancing, costumes and appeal. Amazing.

Finally, here's a (very blurry) shot of the finale. This number electrified the audience. It seems that everyone (at least on the floor) was there simply to cheer on the cast. The gallery was a little different - love 'em or leave 'em faces dotting the seats. By the end, however, everyone was on their feet, dancing and clapping along as the cast paraded on an off the stage.















Overall, this night was filled with unique and energetic performances. I'm glad I got to see it for free before it moves on and blows up! I feel bad that I didn't get a picture of one of my favorite performances - the soulful, African-American singer a la Lenny Kravitz. His simple, but evocative performance was spot on. I must have freaked him out backstage, congratulating him so quickly.

That being said, I want to say congratulations to the entire cast and crew. From the inspired costumes to the soulful musicians (Violin to rock guitar - all dancing when not playing) to the lighting and overall tone - this was a night I would happily had paid for. I wish you all success in the future!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Balancing Act

I'm beginning to wonder where the balance is between...

work and creativity
patience and happiness
choice and fate
East and West
want and need.

I hate being a downer and I'm not a depressive type at all, but I'm just having one of those overly introspective days where I constantly analyze everything in my life. Were the choices I made in the past four months the right ones? Am I being proactive about my passions? Am I stuck on a track of my own design?

Well, first of all, I know that I have to stand by my choices. Doubt is a poison that infects every aspect of my life - if I let it. I know that my passions in life sometimes need to secondary to my needs.

I don't have an easy justification for that last question. I don't know if I'm stuck. What I do know, is that being pinned down, stagnant, stuck; that's probably my biggest fear in life. Commitment hates me and I hate commitment. There have been (and are) a few instances in my life where I have actively sought commitment. Those few instances usually come at a point where I feel ready and willing to relinquish control in that area of my life. Allowing myself to not rely on my own micromanagement is a big deal. I think these instances also come when I am happy with that area of my life. The happier I am, the more likely I am to let another someone or something else in.

Sharing: that's a pretty tall order. As a child, it's a hard lesson to learn and share your brand new toy with your siblings or classmates. So why, after 22 years, doesn't it get any easier?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy. I'm very pleased with how far I've come these past few months. I've jump so many hurdles and have had the opportunity to celebrate so many victories.

Still, sometimes, I just wake up with these and a hundred more questions about my own life. So again, I ask: Where is the balance? How does/can someone balance their emotional and physical life? Is there a balance? A sense of peace? A nirvana? Or are we all part of life's playground - seesawing our way through life?

Word Association: "Work"

work
sleep
tired
over
happiness
creativity
work
play
acting
creativity
peace
war
fight
mind
spirit
god
religion
home
family
roots
here
apartment
friends
loneliness
fear
prayer
create
write
act
sit
run
faster
finish
goal
work

Sunday, September 7, 2008

VMA Note

Things that give Lil' Wayne "street cred":

1. Thigh hugging skinny jeans
2. Buttoned vest
3. Fruit-of-the-Loom boxer briefs (thanks Michael Jordan)
4. Urban Outfitters accent summer scarf
5. Chanel sun glasses
6. Xtreme bling

(also)

7. Singing a duet with Kid Rock of "Sweet Home Alabama"

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Two different worlds

Happy 22nd Birthday Noelle!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Hit Me One More Time...

Back to drop off the goods.

Mission Accomplished!

Sweet, sweet victory!

Waiting to Exhale

2 rooms, 3 assistants, 5 calls later...

Stop 2... The Renaissance Hotel

I dare you to find parking... Go!

Seriously...

3 PA's later aaaaand I'm out of here!

Stop one

On set trying to find some personel.... No luck yet.

The Hunt for the VMA Tickets

My journey continues past an old haunt...

So now comes the busy season...

My job has a lot of perks: going on set, meeting great poeple, early music releases blah blah blah. But like every job here, there comes the time honored tradition of ... Paying your dues as a Hollywood bottom feeder. Today is one of those days. Join me won't you?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Dinner at Masa in Echo Park

For some reason, this made me feel more like a local. That is, I'm starting to adventure outside my own routine, meeting new people, and trying new things. Yeah... that's about all.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Thomas Jefferson once said...

"I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical."

I find this quote extremely important especially as the current Presidential race enters its last leg. A black president? A woman vice-president? Whether I (or you) like it or not, political conversation dominates probably 90% of the topics I hear being discussed on a day-to-day basis.

Do I enjoy it? Isn't it overwhelming?

Yes. And yes!

I'm finding that Los Angeles has a prominent political voice. And that voice is constantly hurling insults at the Republican Party. It is getting to the point where I feel the need to defend the Right Wingers even if I don't necessarily agree with their their policies.

I love debating and discussing, but it's getting to the point where I can't even sit at work without hearing people forcing their views down other people's throats.

Despite this irritation, Jefferson's quote brings up a great point. The other side to this verbose coin is that if the high stakes of this election are causing so much daily discussion, maybe it will cause that many more people to vote. I truly believe that we are on the cusp of a social revolution. Imagine how the global community must view our country - watching it's people divide and struggle to come together under a a new era of change. The Obama camp made that very idea it's slogan and the McCain camp chose Palin to show the world that it's ready for anything.

The countdown is on. I just hope I can handle another 2 months of inappropriate office conversations.

It's September!