Notes: Relationships

For the past month I have been taking a class at my church, Oasis in LA. I love this place partly I can literally walk there from apartment. There's an amazing sense of community, which has been a crucial part of my transition and establishing some solid roots. The church itself has an energy that I haven't experienced in a long time. There are solid leaders, volunteers, parishioners - you get the point.

Anyways, this week at class, the topic was "Why are relationships so healing?"

Cricket.... needless to say, this touchy choice of topics was something that I needed to hear and I thought I might pass along my class notes. Don't let the teacher catch you cheating.

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Why are relationships so hearing?

• Healthy human development is based off of two things: Nourishment and Protection
• Relationships provide us with both.

"Healthy development" is described by two key traits: Maturity and Security

• Someone who is mature is someone who demonstrates self-control despite their feelings; it's someone who does NOT live by impulses; it's someone who is NOT self-absorbed and self-involved
• Someone who is secure is someone who is NOT driven constantly to prove something; is someone who does NOT look for approval or prove that they need to be valued and loved; is someone who does NOT covet or compete with others.

Relationships...

1. Starve you and break you
2. Feed you and heal you

Love is a verb... it's something you do NOT something you feel. You honor those you love with your actions.

Question: What do relationships provide?
Answer: The definition of love:

• Acceptance: we need to get the green light from God, as well as, our loved ones in order to be public with ours lives, because our actions/life affects them directly. We all struggle - we need to understand that about one another. Put your struggles into the perspective of others'.
  
• Accountability: "I love you enough to be concerned about your life... I'm concerned because it matters to me and it affects others."
• Affirmation: Knowing you matter to other people. To know that someone will act on your behalf. To know that someone grieves when you grieve and rejoices when you rejoice.

Balance in our relational life comes when we balance our source, supplements and service:

1. First and foremost, look to God as our source for nourishment and protection
2. Balance the people we NEED (supplements)...
3. ...with the people who NEED US (service)
   

*Burn your expectations of others and look to God as the course of security and nourishment. This will lead us to healthy, developed relationships.

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Good, right? I thought so. It went a little further into what a relationship with God means, but I thought this excerpt was a little more universal for now. I think what I took away the most was realizing that God desires for us to have healthy relationships, but that does NOT mean they will come easily. Also, examining what healthy human development means and how this relates to our need to love and be loved. Finally - that we should put our struggles in the perspective of others'.

Alright, that's enough for right now. Have a great weekend!

Going Home

The following clip is a trailer for the upcoming documentary GOING HOME directed by two friends from Emerson College, Mikyung Kim and Jason Hoffmann.

"21 year-old Korean adoptee, Jason Hoffmann, was raised Jewish in New York City. This documentary about family, love, and bloodlines exposes the challenges and triumphs of locating Jason's roots and birth family in Korea."



I was fortunate enough to see the full documentary last spring and needless to say it was as heart-wrenching as it was uplifting. I think the lesson Jason exemplifies throughout his journey is one that everyone can relate to in their own way. From the very outset of our lives, we are taught and told to construct a world in which we can survive as individuals. There comes a time during this journey when our foundation is tested. After high school, college, moving into the real world, you begin to wonder what the word "home" really means. What defines "family" and to what or whom do you associate yourself.

Jason takes a huge risk at going to core of this question. He unearths and dissects things that most people wouldn't even have the courage to glance at. I encourage anyone who sees this to share the link and spread the word. I think ThirdCat Productions did an amazing job here and tells a story that is both wholly unique and strangely universal.

Here's the link to the official website (and better quality video): http://www.goinghomethemovie.com/

GOING HOME is currently in post-production and being submitted to several festivals around the world.

Jeff in Philadelphia

I was just cruising the Facebook and I came across some new photos that my best friend, Jeff took. I though I'd share them. Enjoy!








Keep on keepin' on, Jeff.

What a trip!

I will provide no explanation for the following term and its attached rules:

THE WANT LIST

1. Everyone has a Want List
2. It's OK that you have one
3. Want Lists always change
4. It's OK that they change
5. Needs are not wants and wants are not needs
6. It's OK if your Want List is different in the future - people will understand

*Because life is just a series of choices - and choices are determined by the Want List*

December 11, 2007

I recently came across an old journal that my Boston roommate, Mahri gave me for my 21st birthday. The first entry I wrote (6 months later) was pretty heavy. Reading it now, I realize that I sometimes I feel like I'm in the same place. As the entry continues, I know that I've grown so much and that I'm still growing. It's a little melodramatic ... but I think the sentiments are extremely relevant to my life now. Rather than over explain it, I'll just get to it:

I just looked at myself in the mirror for the first time. I resisted for a while - but I looked. I searched my own face. Do I see the face of God or someone who I utterly lost?

"What's going on inside there?"

I am ... a murderer, a lover, a pornographer, a sinner, a man, a man, a wanderer, an explorer, a peace-keeper, a musician, a singer, a waiter, a butler, a mask-maker, a rock, a foundation, a house, a shack, a monster, a pest, a conqueror, a soldier, a believer, a friend, a lover, a child, a boy, I am strong.

In the search for what is, was, what could be and what will never be - I am lost. For the past few months - most notably, since summer - I have felt like I was on the brink of a realization... of coming to peace with myself. I've never felt so grounded in the truth of myself. Surprise! That didn't last (in its original form anyway). No kidding. In retrospect, this semester has pushed me to my limits - how far could I take myself? Overextended, overanxious, overambitious, overjoyed:

I am everything and nothing
I am not night or day
I am not whole or in pieces
I have a foundation
The more I give up control, the more I'm given!
The harder I grasp, the more things slip through my fingers

I will drive away from Boston in a week and a day and feel accomplished. At least I hope so. I hope I find relief and release and - something. The sermon at church this week was about faith and split into three parts: expectation, disillusionment, hope.

As Christians (and HUMANS) we wake up and hope for the unexpected to remove this sense of disillusion. As one of the three teachers that day put it: "We close our eyes at night hoping to wake up and something will have changed. That this nightmare will be over." When she said this, I nearly lost it. Moments before, I thought to myself: "I wish I wasn't who I was now. I want to be Mark from three years ago, before school." I wish and hope God will miraculously change me. That's unrealistic. If I want to change, I need to actively seek it and want it, and I can't wish for no pain or confusion and inner peace- all of this is earned. I know - I'm earning this now.

I'm earning this new identity. God is apart of my identity, but to what capacity? This semester, I have actively sought out church more and returned more to that sense of weekly renewal and forcing myself to be helpless and not in control. Try it. Next time I read this - NO MATTER WHAT you are struggling to control - I dare you to let go and put it in God's hands. No matter what.

So I read this, and I thought to myself, "Wow, how relevant!" (Given, I don't feel like a shell of a human, or nearly as lost as I was then) For all intensive purposes, I'm pretty damn proud of how I was able to assemble my life here. Still, a lot of the lessons I was frantically trying to pen at the time still ring true! I'm not going to wake up one day and have things fall into place. I can't try to control every aspect of my life. I am everything on that list ... probably more.

I think the long and the short of this lesson is simple: Get out of my head and away from the pen and paper, stop talking ... and just do. Ride the wave and relax. Stay proactive and trust that things will work out as they should.

OK, it's been getting too real lately. So for shits: here's a picture of my parents' dog, Maximus.

Night all.

Wait I Forgot: VEGAS

So, surprisingly enough, some of you (which implies that more people read this thing then I realized) have been asking me why I posted that I had a "vegas adventure with a stranger" in haste, but never followed up with the actual story. Here's what happened.

As you all know, I was anticipating my trip home a great deal. It was just my luck that I could only book some crappy connecting flight to and from LAX to PHL. Needless to say, the actual trip didn't look too appealing, but I took care to make it go as smoothly as possible. I don't believe I've ever been more prepared to fly in my life. I packed all of my toiletries in the appropriately size containers with the little baggies; I rolled and organized all of my clothing carefully and fit everything into a single duffel; and I slipped on a small backpack to hold a few miscellaneous items. I was set.

To my dismay, I kept hearing rumors of delayed flights due to inclimate weather up and down the Eastern seaboard. Contrasting accounts spouted over the loudspeakers and finally, I heard the voice of reason. A few yards ahead of my I heard the raised voiced of young woman. Similarly, she was a young professional, a few tattoos, nose-ring and a beanie matching my own. As the words left her mouth, my heart sank: "We're delayed 6 hours in Vegas on the way to Philly?! Are you kidding?" Her candor to the unsuspecting stranger immediately revealed her Philly heritage (we have just a genteel way with words). Being the guy that I am, that is, someone who loves to complain. I jumped up, grabbed my things and rang to join her lament. After a few choice words with the inept attendant (who originally assured myself that there would be zero delays) we sunk onto the floor together and introduced ourselves.

Heather and I quickly bounded over our home city, our new jobs in the "industry" and our matching beanies. I told her that I'd never been to Vegas - but I wasn't looking forward to 6 extra hours in an airport. Her face went blank: "You've never been to Vegas!? Well ... then we'll go. It's settled." I looked at her confused, but she assured me that she would take care of everything. So we finally boarded our first flight home - also a few hours behind - and I sat in my very small seat and pondered if following a stranger into the City of Sin was such a good idea. After the quick flight, I hung out in the tarmac with my duffle in tow and waited, fidgeting, looking for Heather to come off of the plane. Finally she arrived and with a smile we were off.

We hopped in a taxi and made friends with the driver. In the short drive from the airport to the strip he suggested we drop our bags with his friend at Treasure Island - "he'll take care of you." I guess this weekend was about trusting humanity, because we entrusted out bags to the stranger as I ran off with another stranger.

Our first stop was the liquor store, then - pony bottles of wine in tow - we headed out for adventure. In the Fashion Pavilion snow lightly fell as Santa and his sexy helpers sang and danced down a huge runway in the center atrium. Heather and I could only laugh at the stereotype Vegas provided. We let, offering cheers and wine to one another as we walked past the lavish buildings. Next, we hit up the Casino at the incredible Wynn Hotel. I then proceeded to gamble for the first time. After a round of (free) drinks and a few slot machines, I sat at one of the black jack tables and bought in. I lost immediately; although the dealer told me I handled the hand exactly I should have. We spent the rest of our day stumbling around the hotel, running into wedding parties, hanging on in the indoor foliage and staring into the city lights.

Finally, as our final flight drew near, we scrambled back to Treasure Island and picked up our bags from our shady friend. A quick tip and wink and we were off to the airport. Luckily, you're allowed to drink in the airport to relieve stress - bc we definitely were stress free at that point. After a healthy dinner from Burger King, we boarded the plane. I promptly passed out and let the stupor close my eyes. About have way through the flight I awoke with a thirst so strong a camel would be proud. Here's the kicker, drinks all cost money on flights now. Needless to say, the airplane tap water tasted quite delicious.

And there you have it, my random adventure with a random stranger. It was quite the way to start my vacation. It's moments like these that make life worth living - taking things as they come and riding the wave. Thanks for my first trip to Vegas Heather! It was definitely one for the books.

Lesson Four: The Self

Perspective. Blah blah blah.

Of course, I categorize, itemize, organize every part of my life. Every trip has a reason. Every mistake has a lesson. Every experience fits neatly into one of the files in my mental cabinet. That's not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's a good thing; however, it's dangerous because sometimes I over-categorize my life. "Finding perspective" was this trip's label. I made that decision as I planned the two weeks abroad and it stuck. Indeed, I did seek perspective; I craved it and needed it. Did I find it. Oh, yes.

"The Self" is a tricky topic; it's a tricky concept to wrap my head around. Many people regard "selflessness" and "selfishness" at the polar ends of the moral spectrum; however, I believe that these two need to be both present and active for there to be balance in one's life. I realized that true selflessness is a hallmark of love when regarding others, but can be detrimental when regarding yourself. If you give all of yourself away, you'll find that it's lost, indefinable, vapid. Subsequently, selfishness alone is not admirable, but in turn balances out the selflessness we try to exhibit. When one or the other is out of balance, I often find myself in a state of disarray.

I realized a lot about myself this past trip. I realized the power of the mind; what parts I can control and the others that I can't. I realized how quickly my mind processes the world around me and turns over on itself. I realized that for so long, I've been ceaselessly trying to construct a new physical world for myself (new city, new apartment, new job). In focusing intently on this, I haven't taken the time to check my emotional life. Both, I realize, are equally important (maybe even the latter more so than the former). I've put so much emphasis in finding myself and knowing what I am that I sometimes lost sight of the bigger picture. My life is a process of self-discovery; a process which should be self-involved.

I want to qualify that statement by stating that I learned long ago that it is not ok to discover who you are at the expense of someone else's emotional well-being. This is where that balance must be struck. Over the past several years, I've obtained the perspective to know where to draw that line. To know where selfishness and selflessness begin to look like each other is to know when to step back alone, and look at the bigger picture.

So, what does it take to find yourself? I don't think that's an answer I could have found in one trip (or two or three for that matter). I heard something interesting in church this week: so often when we search for answers in our lives, we expect that one day we'll wake up and God will have magically zapped our problems away - we'll have reached our spiritual and emotional nirvana. Life simply doesn't work that way (in the spiritual or secular sense). We should expect a pivotal change to happen. Maybe we overcome an obstacle - or, if you believe, God removes an obstacle blocking our way; but, from then on it's our job to grow. Life is about process as well as product. One cannot exist without the other and we should not expect our problems to disappear one day and we walk away never to look back. Sorry, but it's the truth.

In short, finding perspective is an ongoing process. It never ends. And in the pursuit of understanding it's important to be a little bit selfish; to step back, stand alone and think for yourself. Sometimes being selfish is the more painful choice in life; to step away from the people who define you, cultivate you, make you a better person even - to step away from them and look at yourself as a single entity. Only when you can identify yourself, will you be able to step back and look at the bigger picture.

My final point - this task is only complete when our mind has convinced itself that these things are so. No one can do that for us. There is no magic phrase that will heal our wounds and grant us wisdom. That's sought elsewhere - but that's a different rant for a different time.

Lesson Three: Music

Between all of the visits with family and friends, the eating and drinking and reminiscing there wasn't always as much time as I would have liked to be by myself. As my trip began winding down and I had to start thinking about packing and a new list of tasks, I sat in the car. Just sitting, listening to music. Jason Mraz - of whom I a big fan - "The Boy's Gone" came on my ipod. This introspective ballad from his first album, Waiting for My Rocket To Come, pierced my state of thinking.

I really listened to these lyrics and I felt like this song was about me. Going back to Los Angeles has been very bittersweet and this song outlined that emotional process. The more I'm here, the more this song becomes appropriate. The more it becomes painful. The more it becomes hopeful.

The boy has gone home.

The boy's gone. The boy's gone home.
The boy's gone. The boy's gone home.

What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And what will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by god I know it's headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy's going home.
The boy's gone home.

And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum up the phrase for all left standing around in it

Well I suppose we'll all make our judgement calls
We'll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall
So we better be happy now that we'll all go home.
That we'll all go home.

Be so happy with the way you are
Just be happy that you made it this far
Go on be happy now.
Please be happy now.

Because you say that this, this is something else (alright)
I say that this, this is something else (well alright)
I say that this, oh, this is something, this is something else
Oo thi-thi-thi-thi-this is all, thi-thi-thi-thi-this is yeah,
thi-thi thi-thi-thi-this is all something else

Well I tried to live my life and lived it so well
But when it's all over is it heaven or is it hell
So I better be happy now that no one can tell, nobody knows
I'm gonna be happy with the way that I am
I'm gonna be happy with all that I stand for
I'm gonna be happy now because the boy's going home.

The boy's gone home.

Yeah the boy's gone home.
Yeah the boy's gone home.
Yeah the boy's gone home.

Lesson Two: Family

I realized this break that my family is getting older. My brother turned 21 this week. He’s the last of  the kids. I watched carefully this last two weeks as our family dynamic continued to shape and morph into something completely new. I’m constantly reminded of this by my mom and dad.

“Now, every time you come home, I’ll look a little bit older.”

My mother insists on the reminders of the frailty of life, mostly because of her Christian beliefs – that this world will pass away and all will be left is us with God. The reminders were a little sharper this time around. My sister and I would talk about our jobs, home life, etc. We worried about the future of our nuclear family – where were all going to end up? When would we see each other? Was Jesse’s 21^st birthday the signal to the end of an era.

Again and again, I watched as things were redefined – the holidays, family dinners, the effect of these on each of our emotional lives (all vastly different). Things seem more complicated. Christmas isn’t just a question of what gift will I receive. Now it’s about the people, the baggage, the stress, the spending money. I found myself in a perpetually stressed state as Christmas came closer and closer. I didn’t expect to feel this way. My mom insisted that’s how the holidays were the older you got. It wasn't until I sat down under the tree to exchange gifts that I breathed and indulged in the traditions.

For many people this time of the year is lonely, uncertain, a constant reminder of everything we’ve lost. I’m fortuante enough that this is not the case for my family. Through all of the stress and the perplexity about our evolving dynamic, I saw how strong my family remains. Yes, we're changing, but we're always growing, building new relationships that will carry us into the better part of our lives.

Lesson One: Time

Lesson One: Time

The moment I stepped off of the plane, I realized that time exists without any consideration to the humans that inhabit and exploit it’s unit of measure. Everything was different; the ambient light was orange and low, the highways were stopped because of the snow and ice, my house was colder than I remembered it. I tried my best to stay awake next to my dad as he drove towards our home in King of Prussia; looking through the icy precipitation into the tree line, searching shadows for familiar shapes and places.

The moment I stepped off of the plane, I realized that time doesn’t exist. Everything was the same, familiar, comfortable, small. I greeted my dog, Max and ran to my parents room. My mother was asleep – no shock there. I sat down next to here and everything was the same. My dad sat down as my mother flicked a light on. She looked the same.

I have spent the past 7 months constructing a new life for myself – separate, apart, away from everything I grew up with. I didn’t realize that time was passing in other parts of the world. I have this thing whenever I leave a place that I know I won’t return for a while and/or at all; I walk around the space and take a mental picture of my surroundings. Life ceases to move forward at that time. Every conversation, every email, text, phone call exists mentally inside of this mental picture.

All of this is to say that my pursuit of perspective revealed the power of time. It never stops. It’s the one force in existence that cannot be bent or obstructed by the human hand alone. We are powerless to stop it. We live a life of benchmarks until we graduate college – our lives seem endless, moving from one step to the other. Suddenly, I’m a rock in this river of time; apart from other rocks, affected individually by the rushing laps of water, but part of the rock bed. There comes a point when the water strengthens, the river floods and you’re lifted from the bed. Suddenly, under the pressure of the waves, you’ve discovered you’re a different shape, texture, weight – a completely different rock.

I’ve been lifted: removed, resurfaced, replanted. The really unbelievable thing is that this process immediately begins again after you land. Now, I’m surrounded by new waves and tides. This will always be the same, I will always be different.

It's been quite a trip...

Well, two weeks later and I’m back in Los Angeles. Last we left off, I was heading back to Philadelphia for a number of reasons. The holidays, to see family, to see friends, to gather some perspective on my life. As you know, this was my first trip back to my parents’ since graduating and moving to LA seven months ago.

This was probably the least relaxing, most over-stimulating trip I’ve ever been on; and I only say that with love. What I mean is that there was very little down time. I have been running from place to place since I touched down on January 20. Trips like this are all about catching up and seeing every group you’ve ever been associated with. I was fortunate to visit every era of my life. Wow, I just realized that. I spent time with my best group of friends from grade/middle school. I reconnected with my crew-mates from high school and I bussed to New York for New Years to visit with my college life. I also made new friends in NY and partied in Vegas with one amazing stranger on a rather epic layover. All the while seeing a few friends that have been there through all of these periods of my life with me.

Needless to say, this trip has been an education all is own. To that effect, the proceeding entries will examine a few of the subjects that I studied over the past two weeks.