Lesson Four: The Self

Perspective. Blah blah blah.

Of course, I categorize, itemize, organize every part of my life. Every trip has a reason. Every mistake has a lesson. Every experience fits neatly into one of the files in my mental cabinet. That's not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's a good thing; however, it's dangerous because sometimes I over-categorize my life. "Finding perspective" was this trip's label. I made that decision as I planned the two weeks abroad and it stuck. Indeed, I did seek perspective; I craved it and needed it. Did I find it. Oh, yes.

"The Self" is a tricky topic; it's a tricky concept to wrap my head around. Many people regard "selflessness" and "selfishness" at the polar ends of the moral spectrum; however, I believe that these two need to be both present and active for there to be balance in one's life. I realized that true selflessness is a hallmark of love when regarding others, but can be detrimental when regarding yourself. If you give all of yourself away, you'll find that it's lost, indefinable, vapid. Subsequently, selfishness alone is not admirable, but in turn balances out the selflessness we try to exhibit. When one or the other is out of balance, I often find myself in a state of disarray.

I realized a lot about myself this past trip. I realized the power of the mind; what parts I can control and the others that I can't. I realized how quickly my mind processes the world around me and turns over on itself. I realized that for so long, I've been ceaselessly trying to construct a new physical world for myself (new city, new apartment, new job). In focusing intently on this, I haven't taken the time to check my emotional life. Both, I realize, are equally important (maybe even the latter more so than the former). I've put so much emphasis in finding myself and knowing what I am that I sometimes lost sight of the bigger picture. My life is a process of self-discovery; a process which should be self-involved.

I want to qualify that statement by stating that I learned long ago that it is not ok to discover who you are at the expense of someone else's emotional well-being. This is where that balance must be struck. Over the past several years, I've obtained the perspective to know where to draw that line. To know where selfishness and selflessness begin to look like each other is to know when to step back alone, and look at the bigger picture.

So, what does it take to find yourself? I don't think that's an answer I could have found in one trip (or two or three for that matter). I heard something interesting in church this week: so often when we search for answers in our lives, we expect that one day we'll wake up and God will have magically zapped our problems away - we'll have reached our spiritual and emotional nirvana. Life simply doesn't work that way (in the spiritual or secular sense). We should expect a pivotal change to happen. Maybe we overcome an obstacle - or, if you believe, God removes an obstacle blocking our way; but, from then on it's our job to grow. Life is about process as well as product. One cannot exist without the other and we should not expect our problems to disappear one day and we walk away never to look back. Sorry, but it's the truth.

In short, finding perspective is an ongoing process. It never ends. And in the pursuit of understanding it's important to be a little bit selfish; to step back, stand alone and think for yourself. Sometimes being selfish is the more painful choice in life; to step away from the people who define you, cultivate you, make you a better person even - to step away from them and look at yourself as a single entity. Only when you can identify yourself, will you be able to step back and look at the bigger picture.

My final point - this task is only complete when our mind has convinced itself that these things are so. No one can do that for us. There is no magic phrase that will heal our wounds and grant us wisdom. That's sought elsewhere - but that's a different rant for a different time.