Spring Cleaning

This week has not been an easy one. I found myself in the emotional moors of years past. It's funny how easily you can find yourself churning the same thoughts you were so sure you outgrew. I'm finding that every state of mind we live in - no matter how distant or obscure or unwanted - each one leaves a footprint behind, a shadow, a desktop shortcut that only needs a double click to be brought back to life.

I've said this many times, but I pride myself in the fact that I am who I am not only because of my present, but because of my past. I do not run away from what I've left behind and I know that things happen for a reason. Well, I think I might need to really own up to my assertions.

Even the most removed emotions - that state-of-mind we never want to encounter again - they still exist within us. They don't disappear never to be seen again; instead, they leave a little imprint behind, more easily accessible then I'd like to pretend. Nevertheless, they are there for a reason. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, a cautious reminder of our mistakes, a friendly nudge to remember the ones we've lost, a quick smack on the back of our heads that screams, "What are you thinking?!" Whatever it may be, it exists. There's no use pretending it doesn't.

I found myself getting quite a few reminders, nudges and smacks this week. One after the other really - and I found myself sifting through my emotional closet, trying to reorganize some things, hide some things, make room for some new things. But what started out as frantic Spring cleaning (as today is the first day of Spring .... already?) ended in praise.

I'm realizing that this emotional recall is a blessing in disguise. It gives me layers and armor and pieces to my growing puzzle. These imprints, once identified, will be recognized forever. I won't have to worry about what's going on inside of me or why I feel this way - I'll already know because I've been here before. I'll be able to help others from my personal experiences.

It's important in all of this, however, not to get caught in the trap: "I'm here again? I haven't really grown at all!" It's easy to feel this way about your life from time to time, but its crucial to remember that a lesson has many points - and sometimes it's necessary to reread your notes to understand the full teaching.

This week has not been the easiest one, but I cry because I remember, I remember because I love, and I love because I grow. We are in a constant state of growth.