Shades of Grey Matter

The human psyche is a fairly puzzling thing - I think that's safe to say. Why do we do the things we do? What countless numbers of outcomes per any given situation fuel our motivations? Why do we connect with certain people? Is it the place, time, convenience, need; the list goes on.

Relationships are one of the most invaluable aspects of my life. I've made that clear, whether it be my family, my friends, significant others or my colleagues. There are people in my life that fall into one of these categories and others that encompass all; and if you know me, you know I take my relationships very seriously. I've been built to function in a support system. While, I'm independent enough to "go it alone," I don't think people were meant to thrive this way. Everyone has someone that they draw strength and insight from in some form or another. I'd be hard-pressed to think of anyone who is truly a one-man show.

Still, we often encounter people who operate regardless of the world around them - they are tough, fierce and impenetrable. If the rest of the world doesn't "get it," then to hell with them. It's not that person's problem.

The more I grow, the more I realize that people cannot operate this way and be truly happy. God knows I have tried, but to little avail. I have attempted making decisions and choices without regard to the world around me. I've been determined to carve my path in spite of what others think. I've done all of these things, but the fact of the matter is is that human beings are social creatures. We rely on interaction, contact, acceptance and love to survive emotionally.

I say these things very carefully. I do not mean to impress that I believe we should fear the opinions of the masses or to simply mold ourselves to what we're taught and told to believe; no. What I intend to impart from my personal experiences is that I'm learning more now than ever that a strong support system is one of the most invaluable things in life and worth the battle wounds and scar tissue that inevitably come while searching for one.

Days turn into weeks into months into years - we've all heard this. With the passage of time comes seasons and with seasons come change; some are inevitable and others unexpected. Growing up in Philadelphia, I'd watch the leaves turn every Fall. By winter, bare trees would freeze until Spring brought a fresh bloom. Beneath all of this, the roots that anchor these trees quietly and ceaselessly provide the nutrients necessary for the tree to survive and re-bloom every single year.

A wise friend often reminds me that relationships operate very similarly. There are those in your life who are the foundation, your roots. You trust them to always be there and sustain you no matter what season. Then, there are those people who are branches. Strong extensions of the former, the branches form the shape and character of your life. Branches can also break and fall away as time and seasons wear on just as new branches grow. Finally, there are the leaves. Entirely seasonal, these people offer shade and sustenance until the sun changes its angle and a new season begins. New leaves will grow in the name of a similar fate; they simply flutter away in the wind or die as the cold sets in.

I have been here for two years now and I'm continually learning where to find my support in LA. Who are the people I turn to and trust? Where do I connect? Why do I connect? How do I figure out which people will fall away with a strong gust of wind or who will branch out from my core or root me in unwavering support? Unfortunately, I think this only comes with experience.

Yes, this interpersonal intuition come with time, with effort and with wounds. It comes from constantly pursing these connections and feeling out the human condition. It comes from not giving up even when a branch gives out or when Winter reclaims its leaves back to the Earth. It means loving amidst all the shades of grey the exist in our heads and under the shade of our tree.

The pursuit of the relationship is one I gladly undertake. It's one I do not fear, despite its dangers and its traps. I choose to find the roots, learn from loss and love the journey.

Option 4

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past month. Luckily, I haven't had time to think much the past few days as I booked a gig production managing a short film with these two French directors. More on that later.

I'm running on an empty tank as each day is met with new production challenges. On top of this prepro madness, I'm gearing up to travel to Madrid, Spain for two weeks next Thursday. My roommate J. Wesley Brown has been accepted into a festival there for his photography and tickets were extremely cheap, so I took the chance to have an adventure.

As my days have been filling more and more with freelance work, thoughts of the future continue to infiltrate my daily regime. With each passing day, I've been considering more and more a fourth option in the list I presented last week. Do you have something that makes your heart race? An idea that gets your blood moving and brain synapses firing a mile a minute? I have a growing passion to see the world and how others live/struggle/survive. I want to immerse myself in a culture for months at a time and experience what they experience.

I've always said that my second career would be one in documentary filmmaking. As the summer months begin, my lease is coming up on my apartment and no full-time job in place - I'm (secretly) excited at my lack of structure; at the countless directions in which my life could progress. The reality of my life is that I could move anywhere, take classes, start getting into this career now. I could spend my time learning and growing and extending my passions towards something meaningful and fulfilling. Living in LA and seeing how involved people become in their ladders, their personal growth - this microcosm that we've all come to hold so dear - I want to see more. I want to know what the rest of the world is like an share this with people.

Still, something still pulls me to pursue acting and a career in the mainstream. My brain is battling these opposing forces. Isn't life too short to be waste pursuing a career that seems like the right (or more impressive) choice? Isn't the economy weak enough and jobs scarce enough, that staying in school and avoiding interest on my loans makes more sense? Or, do I stick to my guns and let this autumn career keep its rightful place in my life?

I believe this trip to Spain is going to offer insight to my dilemma. I think being in a different culture might open my eyes to new options and directions for my life. Maybe I'll come back in two weeks and be most thankful for what I already have. I'm not unhappy with my life by any means; I'm just realizing that life is going to take me places I never planned or imagined. I can feel something new coming in my life. The ground is shaking a little and I feel the tremor, but now I'm waiting for the quake to strike. What that will be and what it will mean has yet to be determined. I guess until I know, I'll keep anticipating and guessing and thinking. That's good enough for now.

Addendum

I just received a text from a friend regarding the last entry I wrote. Can I just say that nothing makes me happier with regards to this blog, than hearing that someone has been reading and, even better, that they have an opinion about what I wrote. So, for this reason, I keep writing.

The texts I received were very encouraging as the person explained how the entry hit them today right where they were in their emotional life. Probably the most striking response they had was saying, "I know! Part of me hates admitting to myself that I'm lost in a sense." What strong words and, still, so relevant to everything going on. I'll speak from personal experience that probably the hardest thing I've done in my life - being as prideful as I am - is admitting that I'm lost, that I need help, and that I've seriously messed up.

It seems to me that admitting this is when things become clear, and in a sense, the most confusing. Suddenly, you find yourself in a position to heal and learn and grow, but you have this internal struggle raging on inside you: Am I adequately equipped? Can I strong enough? Am I ready? What if I fail?

I think it's important to put all of this in perspective. The most important step in any journey is the first - the commitment to admission, to change, to grow. Whether this is in the areas of faith, family, your career or love - the first step is saying to yourself, "I'm ready." So, you admit to yourself that you were wrong or you ask someone for a helping hand. You say EVERYTHING you need to say, so you know you said it - and THEN you move forward.

I told my friend that the battles we wage aren't easy ones and it is hardest fighting alone. No man is an army and no man has the ability to absolve himself completely. We need to make active steps in our lives and, just as importantly, surround ourselves with like-minded people who will help us grow. And by like-minded, I don't mean ideological clones, but people who understand the value of the journey and can reinforce the steps necessary to grow.

Recently, I've been blessed a few of those people in my new life here. I've also been blessed with the reminder of a few good soldiers from my past.