The (Emotional) State of the Union

Here's another little ditty for you.

Where to start? This month has been a roller coaster to say the least. My patience and faith have been actively tested day in and day out. Again, I'm still unemployed and that lends itself to a lot of thinking. Thinking - I'll start there. All this emotional stuff that is boiling inside of me. When this whole period of unemployment began, I found myself waking up every few days in a cold sweat. Sure, it's nice to have time to yourself and time to do your own thing, but if you're not careful, you'll find yourself spiraling into an uncontrollable, emotional abyss filled with self-doubt, pity and anger.

I try to keep busy when I'm not applying for jobs, but I've found myself in said abyss a number of days. I've spent days thinking and thinking and thinking. I've become more self-involved. I've starting having diarrhea of the mouth. I've begun taking people for granted.

I've said this before - without the love and support of my my friends and family - I would be nowhere right now, and I have actively thanked those people this past month. Still, I'm realizing that I possess another side. A side that expects more from certain people. Generally the rule seems that the closer I am to someone - the more I expect them to hold me up. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but in some cases, I've forgotten that everyone has their own personal woes. I need to listen as much as I talk. I need to absorb as much as I expel. I need to give as much as I take.

To those people whom I've exhibited this behavior with, I'm sorry. In times like this, when we're in a constant state of heightened stress and emotion, it's important to step ourside your own world and see the people around you. If you isolate yourself and focus only on you, then you miss the solutions and the stress relievers and the laughter.

I fear that this emotional stress has taken a toll on some of my relationships. I found myself snapping at a caregiver, blowing off brother and yelling at a similarly distraught friend. And while most of the issues I decided to focus on with these people are valid and need to be dealt with, I chose an inopportune time and an invalid way of expressing my thoughts. For that I'm also sorry.

There's a deeply rooted lesson here about anger management and I think it involves a lot of breathing, a lot of self-awareness and in my case, an awful lot of prayer. In many ways, I've found successes through these hardships and, in other ways, I've lost a lot of my own emotional insight.