Appreciation Post "Beating of a Lifetime"

Today, MMM Productions' music video "Beating of a Lifetime" for the Appreciation Post is featured on PureVolume.com. Director Chris Cullari and MMM resident DP Elie Smolkin shot the project while in Boston on another MMM venture for Emerson College.

This year is shaping up to be a busy one with a number of projects coming up in the next few months. I'll have more updates shortly - just wanted to quickly post this and put it out into the blog-sphere!

Enjoy!

Silence

I wrote the following a while ago. I keep looking at it, expecting to be able to finish it. But I haven't been able to. Maybe this is all this is. Either way...

silence fills my ears with drums

beating deep inside

silence pounds, the night feels long

my mind dancing in stride

Unknown's the way my eyes will fall

landing on which door

But when I think I've got it all

I hide from silence more

Baby Beers

Well it finally happened. Our family has begun a new generation. On January 20th at 12:16 am, my sister gave birth to Jackson Beers. I speak often about the ebb and flow of the family dynamic now that both of my siblings and I are in our twenties and navigating adulthood, but with the addition of two baby cousins and now a nephew, I realized that the absence of my large Italian family was not an absence, but a time of transition. New children are filling the spaces left by Danielle, Jesse and I. What's even stranger, is that they are our children.

I returned from NY Friday evening; literally jumping out of a production cube and running to Port Authority. I finally fell asleep in the warmth of my childhood room. Around 10:30 am, I received a rather panicked phone call from my sister asking where my mother was. I immediately knew what was going on. I grabbed my Dad and picked up my Mom at the King of Prussia Mall and headed over to Bryn Mawr Birthing Center. Unfortunately, January 19 also happened to be biggest December snow storm since 1907 (or something). What a Cramer move to inconvenience everyone and everything for your big dramatic arrival. The baby already has it figured out.

My sister was a champ during her labor - eating the entire time, standing and walking around, laughing and talking with us in-between contractions. When it finally came time to push, my Dad, Mrs. Beers and I sat outside the door and cheered her on. After 14 hours of active labor, just after midnight, we all heard Jackson cry for the first time.

I can't tell you the flood of emotions that probably pulsed throughout the room, but what I felt was not shocking, but it did take me somewhat by surprise. It's incredible, the amount of love that I feel for Jackson instantly. I'm sure it's only a fraction of what the parent feels, but unconditional love nonetheless. "He has your blood. Isn't that crazy?" I watch and listen as reality falls piece by piece on my sister. It's like everyday is a new revelation in her life. I'm surprised by the lack of fear and uncertainty Danielle and Jeff exhibit - emotions I'm convinced will denote the arrival of my first child.

Thus begins the next generation of our family and they seem completely capable of raising Jackson. This baby doesn't even realize the amount of love he has around him. I hold him and feel like he's my own. I'm excited for his future and helping raise him in our family. It's been quite the Christmas vacation so far - and there's still a week left.

I <3 NY, but get me home.

I haven’t been writing much lately, but I guess that’s a good thing. Over the last few months, my time hasn’t been consumed with trepidations about jobs, income and other matters that have been actively racing around in my head for the better part of the year. Work has been steady – knock on wood – and I’ve been doing my best to push through each week giving 100% to every new challenge.

Right now, I’m sitting on a bus waiting to leave Port Authority in New York City. After my last job in LA, I had planned on returning to Philadelphia early to be with my family. My sister is now two days shy of her dues date and I want more than anything to experience the change our family dynamic is about to undergo.

Instead of getting off the plane and driving home to a warm dinner – I rushed to a bus and taxied to New York. Before leaving LA, I was offered a job on a commercial in New York for a few days. Never having worked production in New York – and lucky to have the chance to make some money right before the holidays – I took the job as a learning experience, as a chance to network and to make some extra money.

The differences between New York and Los Angeles production are fairly overt, but more on that later. I spent the second part of my workweek hustling around the Big Apple. I feel worn out and spread thin by the last few days. As a blizzard approaches the East Coast, I am silently screaming inside my head for the bus driver to get the lead out. I want to be home with my family. I want to go to Valley Forge Park and go sledding with my friends. I want to go a few days without thinking about work.

As Jeff so aptly put it: “Mark’s bloodlust for networking and money” has been satisfied. Frankly, after the last two months, I’m exhausted. With another two weeks still left in principle photography for the Emerson Promo come January, I plan on indulging in the next two weeks. I plan on recharging my battery. I plan on eating a lot of food, having a lot to drink and reveling in the holiday.

Come New Years, I’ll gladly lift a thankful head to the sky for a healthy family and the current state of my life.

Friends, Lovers or Nothing

I've been listening to songs from John Mayer's upcoming album "Battle Studies," and I'm finding each song more and more applicable to my own experiences. It's been a while since I've connected to an artists' words so immediately or without straining to find meaning. Here's one that hit home a little more than the others:

And the lyrics...

Now that we are over

As the loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways
To keep the good alive

Only when we want is not
A compromise
Ill be pouring tears
Into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers, or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never be the inbetween
So give it up

You whisper "Come on over"
Cause your two drinks in
But in the morning I will say
Good-bye again

Think we'll never fall into
The jealous game
The streets will flood
With blood of those who felt the same

Friends, lovers, or nothing
You see
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never an inbetween
So give it up

Friends, lovers, or nothing
We can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
Don't you know
We'll never be the inbetween
So give it up

No we'll never the inbetween
So give it up

See Me Now

An endless cycle in the mind

It wanes and grows, it never dies

Each one adds one feeling more

The heart pounds. Still before.

See me now, what you've missed

watch my body, feel my kiss

hold your arms, to yourself

think of me, of what we felt...

Time can heal, time can break

unravel love, but never stake

your claim in me - exhaustion brings.

My heart unwinds. Your passion sings

See me now, what you miss

feel my body, taste my kiss

press my arms to yourself

think of me, of what we felt...

The sun shines differently today for you

but I know these words will never do

can love just vanish and fade

no, time can only change, what we have already made

See me now, what you'll miss

Heat my body, take my kiss

press your arms to the sky

think of me, watch me fly

See me now, what you'll miss

Heat my body, take my kiss

press your arms to the sky

think of me, watch me fly

watch me fly.

New Ink!

In the spirit of remembering where I came from as I continue on in my journey - a steady theme in my day to day life - I finally got my new tattoo courtesy of Bill at The Tattoo Lounge on Venice Blvd.

I first got the idea a year ago during Christmas when I saw the original design on a t-shirt at Ubiq in Philadelphia. When I finally returned home 8 months later, I went back and ended up chatting with one of the reps there. I explained to him the design and he said the artist was a buddy of his. I gave him my information with the thin hope that he might actually contact me. A few weeks later, there he was in my inbox. I told him what I wanted and why and he supplied me with a fresh version of the design.

I finally bit the bullet and made the appointment for Sunday. I couldn't be happier! Luckily, my friend was standing by to watch me cringe - and too my credit, I held my own pretty well! I will admit, my arm is pretty sore right now though! In any case, there she is!

Wanderlust

Runyan Canyon is a park above Sunset at the foot of the hills that separate the Valley from Los Angeles. I go here often to run, hike, do outdoor yoga and the like. My favorite portion of my routine lasts a mere 10 seconds as I run the decline back to my car. The road winds and winds and at the 4th or 5th bend, the city completely disappears behind the mountains. I relish in my fleeting escape; away from the constant gaze of the cityscape, I imagine I'm somewhere else. I like to think I'm running a tiny path that wraps around the Andes Mountains in Peru, or maybe a warm range in the arid mediterranean.

As much as I love my life here, I can't help ward off the familiar pangs of my wanderlust. To pick up and start over. To allow my roots to unfurl into nothing but seedlings of a new adventure. The prospects are quite appealing.

All the places I could see, the people I could say hello to,

the love I could encounter,

the loss I could feel,

the time I could waste,

the things I could neglect and forget.

Even the bad things sound kind of good. There's something comforting in loosing myself and living without ties and responsibility. I think I sometimes have an aversion to responsibility. I also think you could find a few people who might confirm this.

Like anything else, this lifestyle would age quickly and I'd want the comfort and security of a rooted life once again. So, I'll try less dramatic prescriptions and smaller dosages than a move around the world. I think I'll take up Spanish lessons or plan a road trip. Those sound like more responsible choices

Still, getting lost somewhere does sound nice now and again. I doubt that feeling will ever find its way from me.

Staying Present

In this day and age, where information moves at a mile a minute; in an industry where you're expected to be 10 steps ahead of the pack; in a community that is wrought with reliving its past - I'm finding this self-issued decree of staying present immensely difficult to maintain. I find that every time I'm feel ready to move on, my past comes knocking on my door. Conversely, I'm forced to look into the future and assess my moves now in order to survive the day-to-day.

A wise friend of a (also wise) friend once said, "If you straddle one foot in the past and one in the future, you'll find yourself shitting on today." Not the most eloquent turn of phrase, but an effective one nonetheless. I've said something similar many times - with all of this focus on my past (and in many cases, the future), it feels impossible to enjoy what I have now.

As I strike a balance between the past and the future - hopefully landing me somewhere in the present - my battle is being waged on the surprise ambushes from these opposing camps. Where my heart is concerned, I find more exhaustion in "moving on" then acting accordingly for any given situation. Moving on means cutting a piece of me off. It means, ideally, not gaining access to this part of me again. But what happens in the event if and when I need that access; to assess, to react, to act accordingly? I end up spending more energy pruning all of these emotional tendons then I do allowing them to slowly wither away.

I start to feel stupid asking for advice on the same old things, but again, letting go doesn't always seem like the most prudent choice or decision. As much as I fear the build up on either end of the time spectrum, I fear more losing those pieces. Are the too mutually exclusive? Can't there be a balance for both within the other balance? It's a lot to consider sometimes and more than some people care to understand, but that is where my head rests. While I try to lie between the past and the future, I work even harder at understanding and respecting both, rather than cutting either off or preemptively.

Ah yes, the all-too-familiar state of headiness. It's been a while, but it's still there, just below my surface.

A new season.

I'm finding difficulty with my words.

Living in my worlds.

Left LA, the summer behind

I freed my mind.

The seasons change, this one feels fresh

something new to quest

Bound or apart, my mind might race

Peace I find in one embrace

I keep restarting this entry - I couldn't finish the stanzas. It's been an intense couple of weeks since being back. Fall has certainly arrived. I feel the new season in almost every aspect of my life. Having spent so much time away from LA, I've come back and seen my day-to-day life for what it is. I enjoy my routine. I enjoy my work; this freelancing, working for myself, having my own office with my best friend. Things are hard sometimes, but I manage. I support myself. I maintain great friendships. I have a home. I feel like I have a future.

These feelings are all fleeting. My life feels so incremental, each notch a different emotive state, it's incredible that I can write this entry through without changing my mind. For now though, I'm enjoying the change in season. I enjoyed the rain today - the first rain which always feels the city feeling clean.

I think I feel cleaner now. Not too sure why. Some clarity has come over the last month or so. Something of confidence or assurance in my life. I feel like I'm learning who I am at a faster pace now. Without the hurdles of adolesence or schoolwork, or becoming an adult or finding a job - I'm jumping with more agility. My feet seem to be landing square on the ground.

This day-to-day feels very different from when I left. The rain is washing away some of the dust and haze of the warmer months. I stood on the top of Runyan Canyon for the first time in a long while yesterday, the cooler air filling my lungs, looking at the reflection of the waning sun on the ocean miles away and I felt truly happy.

I'm sure some crisis will come along soon enough and I'll write multiple entries to this one to help cope. In the meantime, I think I'm learning the value of being present and enjoying the moment in my work, in my relationships, in my daily life. Maybe that is what feels different. I'm not calculating outcomes or exit strategies; instead, I'm finding the peace in the moment. In feeling and acknowledging and moving forward. Maybe that's it.