Step One: Forget everything you just learned

As I said before, I'm starting to look beyond this transitory period of my life, and focus my attention on the path in front of me. What steps will I be taking in order to succeed in what it is I want to do with my life. What is that exactly?

I told myself after college that I needed to stop being a "jack of all trades" sort of person and focus. Someone in the past few weeks said this in a conversation - I can't remember who, but it's so true: The really successful people in life are obsessed with what they do." There's an exception to every rule and many paths to the same destination, but as a whole, I think this assertion is pretty spot on.

I've spent much of my life trying everything to see what I liked (I learn from experience, remember?), but when I came to California, I told myself that I would be the obsessed person, the one who fights for a single dream. So, my first obsession was getting settled; finding a home, earning a living, etc.. And now, on to the dream part: I want to act. I always have and I've always known this. After three years of acting school and Emerson College, I felt somewhat in disarray. Here I was with this great education, great connections and a vast comprehension of the "work." I know that I am business-minded as well and that my ability to promote myself is pretty good Still, I felt the need to put it aside for a while and walk away.

Like a lot of things in my life, I think I needed to find it (acting) again on my own terms. Regain control of my passion and see it from my perspective, not the perspective of a school or career or other people. This has become a pattern in my life, starting the piano. A lot of people outside of middle school and my family don't know that I've played the piano since I was in kindergarten. I was classically trained, my parents saw this as my free ride to college and I was to be a concert pianist. The pressure became too much. The passion overshadowed by a necessity and goal. I walked away my sophomore year of high school. Four years later, I decided to take lessons again. I wanted to relearn and teach myself music and feel it again on my own terms. I wanted to understand, after all this life experience, what the composer felt and meant with their notations. I wanted to play for me and no one else. It's funny to think about what an exhibitionist I used to be with the piano and now, I can barely play for people. It's become a personal thing to me. Anyway, I digress.

You've read numerous entries like this regarding my faith, so I won't go into that again, but you get the correlation. Acting fell into the same file for a time. I needed to find my roots in LA; define myself, assert a strong foundation, rebuild my confidence. I needed all of this before I could ever think of stepping into an audition - they'd see right through my forced smile. During my trip to Boston, I met with one of my acting teachers who just sat across from me and enumerated on how I'd changed since the last time she saw me. She agreed that my efforts to settle before auditioning were well-placed. She also recounted my last performance at Emerson (The Philadelphia Story) and she affirmed my passion and my desire to press on.

Being back at school, seeing shows and talking to teachers and peers, I know the next step I need to take. I need to grab this by the horns and go. My life has settled into an easily recognizable pattern. The first step to moving forward for me is to forget everything I've learned, step away, get some perspective on the lessons in regard to my life and then dive in. I've taken this first step and now it's time to start running. I'm confused and a little bit scared, but, for some reason, I think that's a sign that I'm on the right path.

Morning Commute

Sometimes sitting in traffic can be a funny experience... Like now for instance.

In Retrospect: Boston to LA

I just got home to LA from my vacation in Boston. This was the first time since graduating in May that I have returned. My four days in the city were full of reunions, cold weather and thinking. Per the usual, getting a fresh perspective on my life was an underlying priority. I'm finding now that leaving LA almost always becomes about obtaining a new vantage point. Where have I been? Where am I going? Just, keeping myself in check really.

For the most part, walking around Boston was refreshing, a welcome familiarity. There were times, however, when I felt displaced and apart from that life; like I was walking in the shadows or past an impression of my own experiences.

Walking through the snow in the Commons

Coffee at 1 Charles St. Starbucks

A pint at the Hill Tavern

Small, cozy apartments stuffed with books and used furniture.

Warped, wood floors curving around small hallways.

Gas lamp lined streets...

Beacon Hill

Beacon Hill always makes me feel good inside. No matter how rough my day might have been or what social drama had unfolded, there was something about returning to Beacon Hill and feeling safe. I never realized how isolated this part of Boston remains. Despite its acessibility numerous T lines and its location in the center of downtown; Beacon Hill feels remote and separate. It puts my mind at rest and feels safe. I never realized it before.

Other parts of the city made my head pulse; strange memories coursing through my brain. It wasn't any one particular memory, but a simple, distinct feeling of the past. Feeling nostalgic and feeling like you're in the past are two very different feelings. Nostalgia, is just that - but living in the past can be a scary feeling. I realized that the vast majority of Boston feels like the past to me. I found myself missing Los Angeles. At first this saddened me, that I couldn't remain present enough to enjoy my time off, but then I realized the significance of this longing.

I realized half way through my trip that I missed LA because I missed my home. I realized that my decision to stay in LA was the correct choice, that the comfort of this seemingly alien place had replaced the fear and longing of familiarity with a new semblance of happiness. I can miss and appreciate my home while enjoying my time apart from it. I can have both.

This is unbelievable considering the state of mind in which I started this journey. I began this blog to help chronicle my transition into adulthood. I came to Los Angeles with a scant amount friends, very little money, no family within thousands of miles of me and no home. As I enter the last quarter of my first year here, I realize that I have jumped every one of these hurdles. I've added volumes to my personal encyclopedia:

I have earned my stay here
and found a home
Scavenged and fought for my own necessities
and remained financially independent of my family
I weathered the post-graduation slump
but remembered how to laugh at myself
I found God
and remembered what it means to believe in myself
I have felt successful, unstoppable
and completely helpless
I know now what it means to love
and learned the value of loneliness
I have felt pure joy at the prospect of having it all
and total fear at the thought of losing everything

Life is this series of contradictions. Revelations happen in pairs. I'm thankful for this vacation and for my incessant need to get perspective. From Boston to LA, I feel like I'm coming to the end of this transitory period of my life for which the outset of this blog was meant. Now, it's about a series of steps; putting one foot in front of the other and always moving forward.

Boston is my memory, LA is my present and I'm feeling very prepared for whatever shape my future takes.

Beacon Hill

Walking in the Hill with Ellen and Nick

Out of Here...

Coming back to LA.

Bob Marley Concert

Mahri at Berklee

Boston

The view from Mahri's apartment... Gloomy but beautiful.

On the way to Boston!

I'm on my way to Boston and just boarded my flight with Virgin America. There is smooth, ambient music playing and the cabin is illuminated by blacklights... Enough said.

Boston

This Thursday I'll be taking a flight and returning to Boston for the first time since graduating last year. Another one of those "big picture" moments I suppose. I'm excited about getting out of LA for a little bit and getting one more taste of winter before the season is over. I can't wait to see Mahri and all my friends from the area. I'm also excited to be in the Emerson environment again - not because I miss being in school by any means, but because it's a chance to look at where I came from in relation to now.

Very similarly to my trip back home in December, I have the opportunity to explore these roots and keep my journey in mind. I had this banner from a high school crew meet that said in bold letters: "The Journey is the Reward." I hung it in every room I lived in for 5 years and I'm big time believer in this idea. Having the chance to stand back, take inventory and recognize the steps I've taken this past year is a wonderful thing.

This is also my first vacation that I bought and paid for with my own money. I think that's pretty exciting too. We'll see how this all goes! First thing Wednesday morning, I'm out of here.

When will sleep come?

Think think think think think.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I hate that feeling. My mind has been in a funk/reeling all day. I learned that yesterday, or possibly this morning, a friend from my high school passed away. I wasn't particularly close with him anymore, but I did theater with him and we were in shows together. We hung out in this capacity. Since then, he went on to school at NYU and lived in NY pursing acting.

When I heard the news, my mind immediately went into a tailspin. I couldn't really think clearly. I still can't really get this out of my head. It all hits a little too close to home. The idea that in an instant my life could be over. You think to yourself: am I living the way I'd want to be remembered? Am I doing what I was meant to do right this minute? What would people say about me?

I can't really help but think all of this. I can't help but be thankful for the time I've had up to this point and the direction my life is going now. I can't really help but be sad and upset - regardless of the degrees of separation - this person was a peer of mine; a person in the same field as I. We came from the same town and wanted to pursue the same things.

I know this has nothing to do really with me, but I can't help that my mind has been ceaselessly wandering all day. It hasn't really stopped. I can't sleep.

"It's the ciiiiircle of Life"

I've noticed that in the past few weeks, a number of friends have confronted me about life after graduation and/or the transition into adulthood. I find this comforting and I'll tell you why. It's not necessarily that after nearly a year of adult life, I feel better equipped than said friends or that I could impart some grand knowledge that would protect them from the superfunk that inevitably follows graduation. No, on the contrary, I think it's because during a month where growth has been very hard to see in my own life, it's an incredible feeling to realize that I'm still here, struggling away.

A good friend once told me: "Mark, relax. Slowdown." OK, actually, every friend I've ever had has said that to me, as well as, every adult, family member, clergyman, doctor, crossing guard, passerby, dog .... you get the point. I wouldn't quite say that I've rushed through life, but I have been extremely proactive. School was never really my cup of tea - eight grade was probably my favorite year - and after that it just turns into a game and full of ups and downs and implications, etc. In the end, I graduated college a year early and I maintain that this was the best decision I could have made regarding my college and future career. There's a number of reasons for that, but I'll stay on topic.

On a larger scale, I'm realizing the steps that my peer group has taken these past months. Employed or not, in a relationship or not, all together or falling apart - we're HERE. We aren't giving up and running home. We're fighting and struggling and hurting, and you know what? That's an incredible thing. Hardship makes success that much more enjoyable. Now, the next group is graduating and moving on and looking for advice on the hump. We're seasoned fighters ready to add to our numbers!

On a personal scale, I've managed the superfunk. Is it still a struggle at times? Of course! That's just a part of life, but in the grand scheme of things, I've successfully seen my way through the hardest transitory period in my life (so far). And truth be told, I don't feel like the same, frazzled, worried, flighty period that I was a year ago. I understand the value of my work, the value of my faith, and the value of my relationships. This year has presented many obstacles, blessings and lessons learned. I keep thinking about where I was a year ago today and how vastly different my life is now. I'm at a significant turning point in my life. That is, I now find myself looking back and reflecting instead of obsessing with a future I ultimately can't control right now.

It's funny. This period of your life is everything everyone tell you it is - and at the same time - nothing that you could possibly expect.

Untitled

I want to travel the world
Lose myself in a cafe
Buried under a pile of unread novels and stale coffee
I want to leave here and have no schedule
No job, be poor. Struggle.
Learn and live only through demonstration

I want to travel alone
Fend for myself, buy bread for myself, drink wine for myself
I want to lose myself in the countryside
Buried under a pile of blank pages, waiting to be filled
I want to flee here, and free my mind
Give in to endless thought and contemplation

I want to travel with you
Lie by ourselves, drink wine by ourselves
I want to see the world through your eyes
And lose myself in endless conversations
Buried under a pile of scribbled notations
Fill books with new thoughts, our endless imagination

Our world exists, protected under cover
Our knowledge bound to one, freed by another

A Fond, Summer Memory

Yes , I know this is frivolous and stupid. But I found this video and posted it on Youtube.com. This was taken during a road trip to San Fransisco with one of my best friends from college, Natalie. I'm sure she'll kill me for posting it. Oh well.



This was one of many ideas we have for a web series. I hope we actually commit to one some day.

Why do I care????

So every now and then, a chain letter/note makes it's way around Facebook, but I never pay attention. This one, however, has actually been really interesting to see on everyone's page. I did one also. Get over it. Most of these (like in my case) have been done out of boredom at work, etc.. If you can allow yourself to relax and get over your pretentious reservations - then, please, enjoy.

25 Random Things About Me (Wah wahh)

1. I played in little league growing up from tee-ball to pitching machine. I only ever made to hits.

2. The most important things in my life are as follows: Family, Friends, Food.

3. When I was 9, I went to Australia, sang in the Sydney Opera House and climbed Ayers Rock.

4. When I was 10, I went to South Africa, played with children in Swahili towns and went on a safari in Krueger National Park.

5. At the age of 22, I wish I had the balls to leave my live and travel for a year by myself.

6. I secretly think that people who "have no regrets" are lying.

7. I had my first kiss when I was in Kindergarten. Katie and I hid behind a tree as everyone ran inside at the end of recess. When everyone was gone we kissed. We came into the classroom late, covered in mud. We never got in trouble.

8. I think it's OK to have more than one best friend. I have one from nursery school, one from grade school, two from middle school and 3 from college. I still talk to all of them and regard them as my closest friends.

9. The best way to win me over is to feed me.

10. I went on a mission trip with my church sophomore year of high school and the guys that I was with thought it would be a good prank for someone to poop in a bag and put it under my pillow. I didn't notice until someone came over and lifted the pillow (hours later). I threw the crap at the. I now think this WAS an excellent prank.

11. The first song I sang at a voice recital was "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic.

12. I openly called out my high school drama teacher for playing favorites and being underhanded and mean to me on purpose. I gave her 3 solid examples of her behavior and she was speechless. I got to walk away with the last word - it was one of most satisfying moments of my life.

13. My last apartment in Boston had a beautiful sky light above the shower as the ceiling. I always kinda wanted to catch someone looking in on me.

14. My gay friends would be angry to know that I still do not like Madonna ... not like that.

15. I can denote the beginning of my adult life to the day of my best friend's father's funeral. When it happened, the four of us came from all over the country to be there. It was then that we realized that this friendship was bigger than ourselves; that we would be friends our entire lives.

16. My father is my only hero in this world.

17. In high school, two of my closet friends and I would tell our parents we were all sleeping at each others' houses. Instead, we would sneak pillows and blankets out of my house and pile into my Ford Taurus wagon. We would drive around all night, sleep in the church parking lot and go to Valley Forge Park to watch the sunrise. (the police only caught us once)

18. I always fight for friendships. I never write anyone off.

19. I've never felt more lonely then when I moved to LA. That feeling is passing.

20. I hated to read growing up. I didn't have the attention span for it, so throughout high school (AP/Honors) and college I didn't read 95% of my assignments (I read most of the plays). Instead, I spent time finding cliff notes and short cuts. I mastered how to manipulate the system. Unfortunately, I'm kinda proud of that anyway.

21. There have been two times in my life when I thought I knew the person I would marry.

22. I've played the piano since I was in kindergarten, but I stopped for 4 years because my parents wanted me to be a concert musician.

23. My brother (Jesse) and sister (Dani) and I stayed in one day as kids to record an album. We wrote one song and photographed the cover art. I think our band name was "Together As One" or something like that. I miss the days when we were each others' only friends.

24. At the age of 22, I'm just beginning to feel OK about spending time by myself.

25. I am a Christian and I believe in God and his Son. I am also very flawed.

Blood

"Please let the blood we had stay pure."
Although we part and love no more.

You said, "In you, I'll seek my growth"
In you, I saw a larger hope.

But time stops. Decisions hard.
Blood clots and leaves our bodies scarred.

No pressure or pulse or coursing veins
Where arms embraced, I now feel strains.

These crimson rivers still bring life
Purifies and settles strife.

Time resumes and thoughts unmask
Our blood is pure. My heart's relaxed.

What little sense presented itself
Our memories still frozen on my shelf.

An understanding, now so clear.
Our blood is pure. So, have no fear.

Our blood brought us from childhood
Made bodies strong and pain withstood

It fed our brains with philosophies
Made real our impossibilities

This blood transports with it disease
And ages our bodies without reprieve

Growth gives way to change and death
Time stops no more and stales our breath

But, blood feeds cells that fuel our brain
Memories in time forever remain

If time heals all, blood clots the wounds
Air fills the lungs and laughs resume

So, our blood is pure. Our bodies strong.
Growth fuels new blood and friendship long.

So, our blood is pure. Life starts anew
This friendship will always stay with you.