On set

I don't even know if they used this thing...

Sunrise on Capitol Records

On set call time 4am.... The sun's coming up.

Summer comes before Spring

The past few days have been incredible. The temperature has not dropped below 80 degrees, even at night. Growing up in New England, I've become accustomed to the seasons drastically changing - watching, as every few months the world around me reconstructs itself into this new entity.

When I moved to LA, I feared that the monotony of the "perfect, sunny" disposition would wear on me. I feared the urge to run away to a new place would come. I have a hard time staying in one place for too long and I worried that yet another static element - the "California stasis" - would throw me over the edge into this familiar state or restlessness.

Well, after being here a year, I realize that LA, too, has seasons. They are subtle, but they are there. Last night, I felt something familiar. I walked into the apartment, every window open, my roommate sitting in his rolled-pants, listening to something easy and melodic. We sat on the roof and shared a beer. Later, I walked around the neighborhood and took stock of my surroundings as the last light finally flickered out from the sky.

As we sat on my stoop, I realized that this feeling of contentment was based on a memory. For the first time since moving to LA, I was recalling memories from last summer. Everything about Los Angeles the past year has been about experiencing something new. My first trip here, my first trip there, my first Christmas in Los Angeles, my first drive to the desert; the list goes on. But, for the first time, I feel like I could recall something that was completely mine. I wasn't experiencing something through someone else's filter or mind's eye.

I'm getting ready for the long warm nights of summer. Those nights that never end. California dreaming indeed.

The best part about the advance of summer is that I don't have the urge to run away. I feel happy sitting on my stoop for another summer, watching the days pass by. It has been a struggle my whole life to feel secure and grounded in one place for an extended period of time.

Sure, everything isn't easy and simple and carefree, but that California monotony which I feared so much, has turned into one of the saving graces of my life here.

The (Emotional) State of the Union

Here's another little ditty for you.

Where to start? This month has been a roller coaster to say the least. My patience and faith have been actively tested day in and day out. Again, I'm still unemployed and that lends itself to a lot of thinking. Thinking - I'll start there. All this emotional stuff that is boiling inside of me. When this whole period of unemployment began, I found myself waking up every few days in a cold sweat. Sure, it's nice to have time to yourself and time to do your own thing, but if you're not careful, you'll find yourself spiraling into an uncontrollable, emotional abyss filled with self-doubt, pity and anger.

I try to keep busy when I'm not applying for jobs, but I've found myself in said abyss a number of days. I've spent days thinking and thinking and thinking. I've become more self-involved. I've starting having diarrhea of the mouth. I've begun taking people for granted.

I've said this before - without the love and support of my my friends and family - I would be nowhere right now, and I have actively thanked those people this past month. Still, I'm realizing that I possess another side. A side that expects more from certain people. Generally the rule seems that the closer I am to someone - the more I expect them to hold me up. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but in some cases, I've forgotten that everyone has their own personal woes. I need to listen as much as I talk. I need to absorb as much as I expel. I need to give as much as I take.

To those people whom I've exhibited this behavior with, I'm sorry. In times like this, when we're in a constant state of heightened stress and emotion, it's important to step ourside your own world and see the people around you. If you isolate yourself and focus only on you, then you miss the solutions and the stress relievers and the laughter.

I fear that this emotional stress has taken a toll on some of my relationships. I found myself snapping at a caregiver, blowing off brother and yelling at a similarly distraught friend. And while most of the issues I decided to focus on with these people are valid and need to be dealt with, I chose an inopportune time and an invalid way of expressing my thoughts. For that I'm also sorry.

There's a deeply rooted lesson here about anger management and I think it involves a lot of breathing, a lot of self-awareness and in my case, an awful lot of prayer. In many ways, I've found successes through these hardships and, in other ways, I've lost a lot of my own emotional insight.

The State of the Union

It's a been a beat since I've really sat down and given some thought to writing these past few weeks. I won't bombard you with a twenty page dissertation, although I feel i could write one; instead, I'll do a few smaller entrees to break it up (and make it look like I've written more this month).

I guess I'll start with the job hunt. Yes, I'm still unemployed, filling my days with online searches, phone calls and coffee breaks. Sometimes, it's a lot of fun, but mostly it's stressful. Stressful to the point of mental cloudiness and foreboding emotional forecasts. We'll get to that a little bit later.

I've been applying to numerous jobs a day and making calls to every person I know in the Greater Los Angeles Area in hopes of a new lead. There have been a few opportunities, but mostly I wait.

I consider myself a proactive person: I haven't slept past 9:30 on the weekdays, I've successfully secured unemployment benefits from the government and I apply everyday to at least three jobs. Some opportunities have come my way, but it's all a waiting game. Waiting for things to actually go through. Waiting for a green light. Hurrying up to wait. I've filled this time with new activities. I've been working out about everyday; hiking, yoga, pushups, pull ups, etc etc. I cook for myself now. I eat healthy. I think I'm in the best shape of my life.

In lieu of full-time work, I've also found a few day gigs, assisting directors, sitting desk, getting on music video shoots. I use plural, but I think I've actually done each of those once now. Let's not sugarcoat the situation. Still, between all of these different paychecks, I'm getting by. I've resigned myself to not panicking anymore. It does no good and more often than not, it makes things worse.

I'm working this coming Thursday, Friday, Monday and Tuesday sitting desk at my old job at HSI for one of the executive assistants. I'm excited to be out of my house and off my couch. I'll still be on my computer all day, juggling my situation and my bosses, but the change of scenery will be great. I'll be happy as a clam - or maybe more like an oyster. An oyster with a pearl. A pearl that the oyster pawns for money to pay his rent.

A huge positive about of this whole experience is that I'm beginning to dip my toes back into acting. Networking with other actors, sitting in on a master class and, yes, even auditioning. Randomly, I found myself signed up for two auditions this week. I won't describe the projects because I don't want to jinx them, but I'm excited to finally start this journey! Auditioning is a skill apart from acting. A skill which requires lots of practice. Practice which I haven't had much of the past year. I think, thought, that I'm ready to tackle the beast and this weekend will be the first of many, many auditions in my near future. This venture is it's own full-time job!

So, that's about it on the job front right now. I'm secretly hoping I'll be sitting desk this week and another job will open up, or some I'll get to talk to some producer that puts me on another gig. We'll see. This game is all about the hustle, who you know and lots of luck (or fate or divine intervention - however you wish to view it). And so, the waiting game continues. Patience truly is a virtue and it's a lesson I welcome. Sort of.

Easter 2009

It's been a quiet few weeks for me, job hunting, getting a grasp on my social and emotional life, etc etc. This is the first Easter Sunday I've spent away from home and I thought I'd share some of the brighter side with you. I'll get into the heavy stuff tomorrow I think. I don't feel like thinking about it much right now. Hope your Easter was peaceful, spent with family and full of food! All the best to you and yours.

These are shots from my roommate's mother's apartment downtown. This pool deck is 17 stories up and pretty breathtaking, I must say. Spent the better part of the day here.

This majestic creature is her cat, Obin. I've lovingly dubbed him "Mr. Whiskers." He's pretty much the coolest cat in town.

Unemployment: Week 2

A week has passed and another week moves on. Since we last spoke, I've had three interviews, worked on a video and lined up some assistant gigs. Other notables include being awarded unemployment by the state of California, having an SUV almost crash through the large window in my living room and hiking, a lot of hiking.

Remember that time I said that transitory part of my life (and this blog) had mostly come to an end? Maybe I spoke to soon, but I think it's more likely that I just misspoke. Transition is an ongoing, ever-evolving part of our daily lives. We are creatures designed to adapt - from one situation to the next, one job to the next, one relationship to the next - you get the picture. Just when you think you have figured everything out in your life, God or the universe or whatever you believe in throws you curve ball. It knocks you down and its up to you to pick up the pieces and regroup.

This new lifestyle has been very bittersweet. I love having all of this time to myself to get my administrative tasks done, to meet with friends, to be out in the sun. Conversely, I hate having all of this time to myself, to live in silence and thought, to worry about where my income is going to come from. Then again, it's given me time to think about better things, explore Los Angeles more and pray. Do you see where I am going with this?

Despite all of this pseudo-intellectual surmising and pontification (you like that?), I can say one thing with absolute certainty. I've been shown a great deal of support from my family and friends. For this I'm truly thankful. I've found energy and motivation in talking to my ongoing support system and in finding new ways to reconnect with my growing system out here. Never underestimate the power of showing someone you care. The smallest sign of understanding and concern can go a long, long way.

And for this, I thank you all!

Economy 101

I've taken to the throngs of coffee shop callers and daytime dealers. I've been stripped of my posh office space and forced to do business from mobile wireless connections. That's right, I've be laid off. I've been assured that this is strictly a sign of the times, not personal and so on. The director who I assisted has apologized profusely over the phone, in person, sober, inebriated, backwards and forwards. The fact remains though, that I am jobless. I am like so many Californians (and Americans) trying to apply for unemployment, trying to reach out in every direction for help.

So what? Do I decry what millions have done before me? Am I ashamed of having my days to myself, to the sun, to the world around me? Well, actually, I kind of am. I actually think this is the first time I wish I was back at school. But, that stops now! This isn't personal and I'm a damned good worker. I went from intern to 2nd executive assistant to director's assistant - all the while working in freelance production, starting a new production company and getting my acting career started. I won't be forced to focus on the grave, but on what I have accomplished already.

Frankly, I do not have time to worry and have a pity party for myself. I acknowledge my circumstances, pick up the pieces and forge a new path. This isn't the first time I've had to do so and I'm sure it won't be the last.

So, as I sit in a coffee shop a few blocks from my apartment at 12:20 pm, listening to Beyonce over the loudspeakers, watching a dozen or so pair of hands feverishly type on their Macs and PCs, I'm pushing aside thoughts that will bring me down. There's no point to fret, because this simply is not in my hands. I will work my hardest to put one foot in front of the other. I will be proactive and use my support system to seek out new options. I will pray and trust that God has a bigger plan than I realize. This is the only option I have.

I already see a few glimmers of hope, catching the draft from a few doors that are starting to open. Change, again, has happened into my life and I'll welcome it to the best of my ability.

Uganda

Watoto Children's Choir at Church