Summer comes before Spring

The past few days have been incredible. The temperature has not dropped below 80 degrees, even at night. Growing up in New England, I've become accustomed to the seasons drastically changing - watching, as every few months the world around me reconstructs itself into this new entity.

When I moved to LA, I feared that the monotony of the "perfect, sunny" disposition would wear on me. I feared the urge to run away to a new place would come. I have a hard time staying in one place for too long and I worried that yet another static element - the "California stasis" - would throw me over the edge into this familiar state or restlessness.

Well, after being here a year, I realize that LA, too, has seasons. They are subtle, but they are there. Last night, I felt something familiar. I walked into the apartment, every window open, my roommate sitting in his rolled-pants, listening to something easy and melodic. We sat on the roof and shared a beer. Later, I walked around the neighborhood and took stock of my surroundings as the last light finally flickered out from the sky.

As we sat on my stoop, I realized that this feeling of contentment was based on a memory. For the first time since moving to LA, I was recalling memories from last summer. Everything about Los Angeles the past year has been about experiencing something new. My first trip here, my first trip there, my first Christmas in Los Angeles, my first drive to the desert; the list goes on. But, for the first time, I feel like I could recall something that was completely mine. I wasn't experiencing something through someone else's filter or mind's eye.

I'm getting ready for the long warm nights of summer. Those nights that never end. California dreaming indeed.

The best part about the advance of summer is that I don't have the urge to run away. I feel happy sitting on my stoop for another summer, watching the days pass by. It has been a struggle my whole life to feel secure and grounded in one place for an extended period of time.

Sure, everything isn't easy and simple and carefree, but that California monotony which I feared so much, has turned into one of the saving graces of my life here.

Spring Cleaning

This week has not been an easy one. I found myself in the emotional moors of years past. It's funny how easily you can find yourself churning the same thoughts you were so sure you outgrew. I'm finding that every state of mind we live in - no matter how distant or obscure or unwanted - each one leaves a footprint behind, a shadow, a desktop shortcut that only needs a double click to be brought back to life.

I've said this many times, but I pride myself in the fact that I am who I am not only because of my present, but because of my past. I do not run away from what I've left behind and I know that things happen for a reason. Well, I think I might need to really own up to my assertions.

Even the most removed emotions - that state-of-mind we never want to encounter again - they still exist within us. They don't disappear never to be seen again; instead, they leave a little imprint behind, more easily accessible then I'd like to pretend. Nevertheless, they are there for a reason. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, a cautious reminder of our mistakes, a friendly nudge to remember the ones we've lost, a quick smack on the back of our heads that screams, "What are you thinking?!" Whatever it may be, it exists. There's no use pretending it doesn't.

I found myself getting quite a few reminders, nudges and smacks this week. One after the other really - and I found myself sifting through my emotional closet, trying to reorganize some things, hide some things, make room for some new things. But what started out as frantic Spring cleaning (as today is the first day of Spring .... already?) ended in praise.

I'm realizing that this emotional recall is a blessing in disguise. It gives me layers and armor and pieces to my growing puzzle. These imprints, once identified, will be recognized forever. I won't have to worry about what's going on inside of me or why I feel this way - I'll already know because I've been here before. I'll be able to help others from my personal experiences.

It's important in all of this, however, not to get caught in the trap: "I'm here again? I haven't really grown at all!" It's easy to feel this way about your life from time to time, but its crucial to remember that a lesson has many points - and sometimes it's necessary to reread your notes to understand the full teaching.

This week has not been the easiest one, but I cry because I remember, I remember because I love, and I love because I grow. We are in a constant state of growth.