To Do List

It's been quite a while since I've actively and regularly updated my blog. Since Christmas, things have been a blur. Constantly moving, constantly changing, constantly growing. I keep promising myself to set aside a little time every day - or maybe even just a couple times a week - and dedicate said time to myself, writing, playing music, being alone with my own thoughts; the list goes one. Obviously, these self-inflicted promises are to little avail.

Additionally, sitting down, I find myself staring at this screen wondering where to start with these updates. So much has happened. What do I say? What do I divulge? What would anyone really care about reading. Then again, I told myself I'd keep this blog, more importantly, as an ongoing portrait of my life for me to look back on. So I suppose, I'd better keep myself interested.

Being a goal-oriented person (aka a person that makes too many lists), I've decided to give myself a to-do list for this week. I'm going to make it a personal goal to post on the following topics in one form or another by the week's end:

1) Work

2) Family

3) Travel

4) Faith

5) Relationships

6) Creative stuffs

I suppose, these have become my main labels over the course of the last two years. I'll feel better if I can accomplish this task - although it's looking a little ambitious now. We'll see how this turns out.

My mother just requested me on Facebook...

Nothing more interesting to say... Summer lingers on in Los Angeles.

** I always get the same cute bank teller at Chase in Culver City. She knows all of the intimate details of my financial life and I kind of feel like we're in a serious relationship.

** I always end up spending twice as long at any Trader Joe's other than my own on La Brea trying to figure out where everything is. I also get really angry whenever my TJ's changes anything (ex. switching the the bread aisle with the coffee aisle. Why?!). I always spent at least ten minutes waiting for someone to vacate one of the ten available spots in the parking lot.

** I'm find myself anticipating the next wave in the political tides. In the adult world, these issues seem to flood all other aspects of daily life. (Ex. 9/11, Global Warming, Recession)

** My mother just friend requested me on Facebook. My brother and sister have accepted said request. I on the other hand would just rather listen to my mother talk about how many "fake friends" she has than grant her access into my highly public world. I also secretly like keeping my mother guessing.

** Whether or not I stay in Los Angeles for the long term, I will always think of the city as....

1) Miracle Mile - because it's my neighborhood and home. I love the barred windows on the first floors of the duplexes and the fact that I can stand on my roof and see all parts of the city.

2) Culver City - because Culver was the original Hollywood and I feel like the industry still exists here in a less bastardized form than in the rest of the city. Also, the countless days spent working here and enjoying the downtown area, sitting outside with a cup of coffee or having a drink.

3) West Hollywood - because this area grew on me. Because despite the stereotypes and assumptions about the area, it really is a beautiful community with a number of significant memories from all areas in my life.

Not enough to write about on their own. Just a bunch of thoughts. Hope your week is going well!

Which gut do I follow again?

Don't know if I should....

re-sign my apartment lease for a price break

take that 9-5

be completely honest with a potential source of significant income

let the phone ring rather than hang up after I dial... every time

But how do I....

start down a relatively unexplored, but highly desired career path in doc filmmaking

get to New York in the next month

incorporate music into my life more

keep putting one foot in front of the other

And when that's all done, do I...

feel that I've accomplished what I was supposed to

understand love more than I did a year ago

get to share what I've learned

smile because the harder choice ended up being the right one

What do I do when my gut feeling conflicts with my gut feeling?

Listo de Nostalgia

Feeling a little lost in nostalgia of late. I think this is because I've been spending a lot of my time...

1) sifting through my entire iphoto library not just once, but multiple times.

2) doing the same and trying to piece together my old apartments.

3) thinking a great deal about New York and the people living on that island.

4) embracing every moment of spanish conversation - the inability to understand what is going on is kind of comforting.

5) listening to my ipod on shuffle... and clicking next until it's a song I associated with last summer.

6) day dreaming more and more about having Sunday dinner with my family.

7) looking up plane tickets to different cities.

8) trying to justify reasons for purchasing said tickets.

9) damn it.

10) making lists.

Weird

1. Passed out all day on the beach. Got seriously burned. It was February.

2. Watched as a naked man stood on the cross of a church steeple next to my house. He proclaimed that he was ready to jump - he didn't believe in God or the institution of the Church. He went to the bathroom in his hand and smeared it on the cross. After 10 hours, he was finally coerced off the cross to the ground. He's safe. I went to church twice on Sunday.

3. Talked a little too much and realized my friends are pretty nice for listening to me all the time.

4. Made a long "To Do" list mentally all weekend - it involved bills and career moves.

5. Couldn't turn my brain off this weekend. Thought about too many scenarios. Made some valiant efforts. Made some realizations. Some made me angry - others surprised me. One of them is that I've become a person willing to be vulnerable. Another is that I'm a person who knows what he wants.

6. Decided to take some more things into my own hands.

7. Decide to relinquish control of some things.

8. Talked to my Four this weekend. It's official - we're adults. Our friendships have started over and it's going to take more effort than we originally thought to stay close. I miss you guys.

9. Hung out on my roof with my building-mates to tan. Had a Tecate, some Ruffles and a Slurpie - looked out over the roof's edge and stared at the snow-capped mountains behind Downtown sky line

10. I realized that I love Los Angeles and California.

Why do I care????

So every now and then, a chain letter/note makes it's way around Facebook, but I never pay attention. This one, however, has actually been really interesting to see on everyone's page. I did one also. Get over it. Most of these (like in my case) have been done out of boredom at work, etc.. If you can allow yourself to relax and get over your pretentious reservations - then, please, enjoy.

25 Random Things About Me (Wah wahh)

1. I played in little league growing up from tee-ball to pitching machine. I only ever made to hits.

2. The most important things in my life are as follows: Family, Friends, Food.

3. When I was 9, I went to Australia, sang in the Sydney Opera House and climbed Ayers Rock.

4. When I was 10, I went to South Africa, played with children in Swahili towns and went on a safari in Krueger National Park.

5. At the age of 22, I wish I had the balls to leave my live and travel for a year by myself.

6. I secretly think that people who "have no regrets" are lying.

7. I had my first kiss when I was in Kindergarten. Katie and I hid behind a tree as everyone ran inside at the end of recess. When everyone was gone we kissed. We came into the classroom late, covered in mud. We never got in trouble.

8. I think it's OK to have more than one best friend. I have one from nursery school, one from grade school, two from middle school and 3 from college. I still talk to all of them and regard them as my closest friends.

9. The best way to win me over is to feed me.

10. I went on a mission trip with my church sophomore year of high school and the guys that I was with thought it would be a good prank for someone to poop in a bag and put it under my pillow. I didn't notice until someone came over and lifted the pillow (hours later). I threw the crap at the. I now think this WAS an excellent prank.

11. The first song I sang at a voice recital was "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic.

12. I openly called out my high school drama teacher for playing favorites and being underhanded and mean to me on purpose. I gave her 3 solid examples of her behavior and she was speechless. I got to walk away with the last word - it was one of most satisfying moments of my life.

13. My last apartment in Boston had a beautiful sky light above the shower as the ceiling. I always kinda wanted to catch someone looking in on me.

14. My gay friends would be angry to know that I still do not like Madonna ... not like that.

15. I can denote the beginning of my adult life to the day of my best friend's father's funeral. When it happened, the four of us came from all over the country to be there. It was then that we realized that this friendship was bigger than ourselves; that we would be friends our entire lives.

16. My father is my only hero in this world.

17. In high school, two of my closet friends and I would tell our parents we were all sleeping at each others' houses. Instead, we would sneak pillows and blankets out of my house and pile into my Ford Taurus wagon. We would drive around all night, sleep in the church parking lot and go to Valley Forge Park to watch the sunrise. (the police only caught us once)

18. I always fight for friendships. I never write anyone off.

19. I've never felt more lonely then when I moved to LA. That feeling is passing.

20. I hated to read growing up. I didn't have the attention span for it, so throughout high school (AP/Honors) and college I didn't read 95% of my assignments (I read most of the plays). Instead, I spent time finding cliff notes and short cuts. I mastered how to manipulate the system. Unfortunately, I'm kinda proud of that anyway.

21. There have been two times in my life when I thought I knew the person I would marry.

22. I've played the piano since I was in kindergarten, but I stopped for 4 years because my parents wanted me to be a concert musician.

23. My brother (Jesse) and sister (Dani) and I stayed in one day as kids to record an album. We wrote one song and photographed the cover art. I think our band name was "Together As One" or something like that. I miss the days when we were each others' only friends.

24. At the age of 22, I'm just beginning to feel OK about spending time by myself.

25. I am a Christian and I believe in God and his Son. I am also very flawed.

What a trip!

I will provide no explanation for the following term and its attached rules:

THE WANT LIST

1. Everyone has a Want List
2. It's OK that you have one
3. Want Lists always change
4. It's OK that they change
5. Needs are not wants and wants are not needs
6. It's OK if your Want List is different in the future - people will understand

*Because life is just a series of choices - and choices are determined by the Want List*

Coping methods

I'm combating the inevitable freak out - no word on a new job.

Coping methods (so far):

1) Search for more jobs (incessant)
2) Talk about it (annoying to everyone around me)
3) Suppress it (lying)
4) Allow myself to panic for 5 minutes and get over it (therapeutic)
5) Pray (hard)

I feel like I'm gritting my teeth 24 hours a day.
I should stop - I'm not in the red zone just yet.

A few problems:

1) Slow right now in Production --- freelancing is no good
2) Beginning of the holiday season --- leaving for Christmas so working at a Restaurant is almost impossible
3) New hires mostly begin in the new year

Trying to get creative.
Breath in.
Breath out.
Nope, still feel that pit in my stomach.

On My Mind

1. New York City/Brooklyn - Maybe I mean the East Coast in general, or maybe it's because when I talk to work people in New York I can hear the background noise... I don't know. Maybe it's because I never gave life there a chance...

2. Cold Weather - It's such a weird feeling that the only change in weather is a slight decrease in temperature at night. People keep commenting on the changing weather back home, but I'm still going to beach regularly (I love that Starbucks in Palisades Village after getting sun burnt)

3. Anonymous details ... wish they weren't anonymous.

4. Changes, lot's of changes - I think it hit me more today than ever. Driving into work today, I realized that I was obeying every road rule known to man. I think that was more for the sake of taking my time then safety.

5. That freaking dream from the other night - it's long and complicated, but needless to say, I've never in my life had dream physically affect me the way this one did. Basically, I woke up in tears. That's never happened.

6. Health - I need to start working out. Sitting at a desk all day is bad for the eyes and I feel all squishy.

7. Boston - I know, I know... but I do miss walking through Beacon Hill to class, having a cup of coffee on Newbury St. and even sitting in the Commons to do homework. Well, I don't miss homework. I also miss coming home to Mahri.

8.
9.
10....

And just like that...

Natalie (my roommate) just left for her last semester of college in Boston. I keep getting messages from friends that they are arriving at school and here I am, still in LA. Left behind by the summer crowd.

Summer in Los Angeles is hard to describe - probably because it is the only LA I've ever experienced. It's hard to define any of its specific characteristics:

1) Throngs of students return for internships, jobs and the like
2) Afternoon trips to Starbucks, Jamba Juice and The Coffee Bean are spread throughout long trips to Melrose or (if you can afford it) Robertson.
3) Congested streets in the middle of the afternoon (per no. 2)
4) Intermittent trips to the beach (hopefully arriving in a drop-top convertible)
5) Long days
6) June gloom, smog, dry dry dry
7) Hiking
8) Trips to Palm Springs and San Fran
9) Late night trips for frozen yogurt (Yogurt Land, Big Chill ... not Pink Berry)
10) Lying by a pool all afternoon with a $2 bottle of wine from Trader Joe's
11) Visitors from every era of my life (most recently, Gina from Middle School)

Ok, maybe that wasn't too hard, but the list is more specific to my experiences. I'm looking forward to fall in Los Angeles. What will change - what will stay the same? Am I really going to need a sweater like everyone says I will? I don't believe the weather will change that drastically.

I think Natalie leaving for Boston solidified a strange fact - summer is over. My best friends are at school and I'm still working. The further I push into this world of mine, the more important it is to ask myself:

1) Am I balancing my work and personal time?
2) Am I staying in touch with my friends and family?
3) Am I doing at least one thing a day to further my career/life? (Thanks Kelly)
4) Am I happy?

I need to post these somewhere in my bedroom so I'll see them everyday and answer them. I don't even know how to approach the question of whether or not I am happy. That seems so relative; in that, even if I wasn't - maybe today's stresses are for the benefit of my future happiness. Happiness seems so inconsequential? I don't know.

I do know that right now, in this moment, I am happy and content. That might (and probably will ) change in the next week, maybe tomorrow, probably in next few hours. That's part of living I guess; holding on for dear life as I ride the ups and downs and doing my best to enjoy the ride.

That's all anyone can ask of themselves. For now.

It's the simple pleasures

Things that made me smile this weekend...

1. Driving to San Fran late into the night and still talking about how scenic the drive was
1a. Singing the entire way
1b. Not feeling bad about eating BK and getting starbucks after 10 pm
2. Enjoying the fact that it was cold, cloudy and wet outside
3. Walking to walk and take public transportation all over the city
4. Getting two pairs of sick sneakers for 58 bucks
5. Eating Italian and having a cappuccino while sitting outside
6. Having the highlight of my night be getting drunk and dancing with a new friends
7. Watching my best friend sleep off the worst hangover she's ever had while I drive home
7a. Laughing about 1-7 when she woke up.

Things that made me smile today...

1. Waking up from a 10 hour sleep
2. Listening to Mahri's new track at work
3. Listening to Feist's "1,2,3,4" a la Sesame Street in the car
4. Job security

I think I'm starting to break through that "thresh hold of pain" I wrote about a few weeks ago. I'm starting to find pleasures in the day to day stuff. The honeymoon in LA is definitely over, but my life has certainly begun.

List No. 1

I'm starting a list.

Things that bring Los Angeles to a Grinding Halt:

1) Earthquakes

I'm on AIM and suddenly the ground beneath me is shifting around ... every person in LA asks every other person in LA, "are you feeling this?!"

2) Paris Hilton going to jail.

On my way to work last summer and my Starbucks run is severely derailed. Why? Because traffic in LA is at a standstill. Paris is being arrested and there are enough paparazzi, police and helicopters (I counted 6 hovering over my Starbucks on Sunset - she lives up the street) to clog a newborn's artery.

3) Rain.

It started raining a moment ago... very lightly. Suddenly, coworkers are standing outside neglecting tasks and standing in awe over the fact that it's raining in August, let alone at all!!

I simply smiled and opened the windows near my desk wide open indulging in the smell of wet earth. This makes me miss the East Coast so much. Thunder storms! Rain! All of these things that we come to hate on the East Coast because they happen so often are actually cathartic, healing ... emotional? Believe it!

I miss the rain and the smell of the earth... maybe even the East Coast summer. Well, I don't miss 95% humidity on a hot day.... yea, not really.