Work Force Chameleon

Sorry for the delay in entrees, but as of late, I have been wholly uninspired to write a single thing. I don't know why, but everything feels like a labor. Sitting down, constructing clever thoughts and thinking about any picture larger than today just doesn't seem possible. It's amazing how much my life changes on a daily basis. Now in my second month of "unemployment," I no longer consider myself unemployed.

First of all, I want to make it clear that although the last several entrees have revolved around my current occupational shortcomings, I by no mean intend to diminish the struggles of anyone else. I don't see my state as a unique one, nor do I think that my plight is heavier than the burden or anyone else in my situation.

That being said, I no longer consider myself unemployed. I have taken the the world of freelance. This world is populated by hustlers, climbers, jacks and janes of every trade and the veritable swiss-army of assistants. We're everywhere, pushing and clawing for the next gig. Waiting patiently until our next payload. Networking intricate webs of work-related connections that would make Charlotte jealous.

Is it steady? No.

Is is safe? No.

Does that make it even more gratifying to succeed in freelance? Yes.

I consider myself a pretty self-aware person. Knowing me, I'll look back on this time in my life when I have steady work and pay and I'll long for the rag tag days of yore. The thrill of the chase and the satisfaction in a job well-earned and a job well-done.

There's nothing quite like production. You find yourself in a new situation every single day. Each morning you wake up and don a new hat: The personal assistant, the artist, the casting director, the coordinator, the handler, the stylist, the right-hand man. It's a new challenge every turn and every challenge is met by a team of people devoted to a single goal. Your crew becomes your family: you help each other, you fight and bicker, you rely on each other and eventually you congratulate each other on a job well done (or - eventually - you laugh together at a job miserably failed).

This has become my life. I hustle for the next job - the next paycheck. I work 18 hour days so I can take weeks off at a time. I sit back and trust God that all of these things will fall into place and I'll be OK. As a matter of fact, I don't think there's any other way I could survive in this field - but to have faith.

Spiritual Cleansing?

I've been taking classes at my church, Oasis, for the past few months and this week I started a new one: The Road to Freedom. The class essentially is an opportunity to examine the things in your life that take precedence over your relationship with God, isolate them and rid yourself of them. It's a three week class: Week 1 Introduction, Week 2 Action, Week 3 Follow Up.

I went into this class with a pretty open heart - although, truth be told, I've been struggling with my own demons lately. I've found myself questioning my motives for being at church or in class. I sometimes have this sinking feeling that I'm not worthy of being there or that I'm not good enough. I think everyone feels that at some point or another. Still, I know none of this is true, but as a Christian getting back into the swing of things, that a difficult feeling to push aside.

Anyway, so I went to class, not really knowing what to expect, but available to the concept. Half way through, I noticed how incredibly uncomfortable I was with what the leaders were talking about. The exercise they described really put me in a weird state of mind. I won't go into the details as I don't want anyone to be turned off to something of a similar nature just because of my opinions.

I left that night, deciding I wouldn't come back for this particular class. At the same time, I felt wrong for not adhering to these ideas. I felt that maybe this made me weaker and younger in my faith. I felt guilty that I had decided to "ignore God." So what does one do when they are in a heightened state of guilt? Call mom.

I explained the situation to my mother and before I can finish she says, "Oh this just doesn't sound right for you!!" I tried to explain to her that I felt like maybe because I was so uncomfortable, I should just suffer in silence and complete the course; that I might be silencing a great opportunity because a small discomfort. My mom explained to me (in that way all mothers can make everything seem crystal clear) that spiritual growth was not contingent on suffering. The church is led my human beings, not God Himself. There are many methods for many believers and there is no obligation on my part to participate in every form of spiritual reproof. "And besides, I don't think you're the type of person who would respond to a class like this. I just know you."

I was blessed with a mother who has an incredible intuition and she's right. I have had nothing but positive experiences at Oasis Church and this was the first thing I encountered that made me question the motives of its leaders. I realized that I didn't have to be discouraged about this. Everyone has a different way of worshipping and being close to God. There's no reason why I should feel inferior for not responding to one method.

Thanks for clearing that up mom.

Why have faith...

In today's increasingly faithless society, the question is coming up more and more: Why believe in God?

My roommate and I got into this discussion maybe a week ago now, and I couldn't help but get offended and miffed about his deviations from my opinion. Even though some time has passed, this conversation is still on my mind, and while I seemingly recoiled at his explanations, I think it's because I ask myself those same questions everyday.

Why is it that I believe in God? I grew in a deeply religious home, went to a private Christian school for 12 years and made church my foremost social platform. Given my circumstances growing up, I think I could have proceeded down two paths. First, I could have accepted everything I was taught and found nirvana at the ripe old age of 13, or I could rebel from the world I was brought up in and judge for myself where this faith would play a role in my life.

I took the latter of the two paths, but let me clarify this statement by saying I didn't rebel in the sense of abhorring God and religion. I didn't try other sects of beliefs. There was never a part of me that wanted to look outside Christianity, although I recognize the value of other beliefs (religious and otherwise); but part of me always knew that it was either this or nothing. I spent the end of my high school career and college years distancing myself from my inherited belief system. From time to time, I'd find myself back in a church, recharging from a prolonged state of hopelessness and wishing that I would just believe unconditionally. For a while I struggled between these extremes, trying to find moral immunity in the gray area between faith and human rationality.

That's what got me so fired up during our debate. My roommate asserted (he himself coming from a strict Catholic upbringing) that any person with rational thought couldn't possibly believe in religion - the converse assumption (by omission) was that religion is for the uneducated, irrational masses. Now, he never said that, but that's how I took the criticism.

After years of contemplating and fretting and killing myself to assert some kind of conclusion on this part of my life, I have come full circle. I realize that rationality is what brings me to my faith. Everything I've learned and experienced has been in the wake of my upbringing. Only after running away from this doctrine did I realize the extreme comfort and peace I had knowing that there was someone/thing above me with a larger purpose. Forgiveness for failures, hope for a brighter tomorrow, the freedom of relinquishing control over any area of my life; all of these things bring a sense of understanding to my life. Realizing that most things are out of my hands is probably the hardest thing I do on a daily basis. Still, every time I finally let go, things end up working out. Do I remember and adhere to these beliefs all of the time? Probably not as much as a I should - but then again, isn't that part of the journey?

Some people might view this philosophy as naive and irrational, but I have the freedom of choice and I choose to live my life this way. People have many different ways of figuring and hypothesizing and rationalizing the successes and tragedies in their lives. Some choose to believe solely in the power of themselves, while others choose to believe in a creator or ethereal watchman. Despite their vast difference, when you come right down to it, they are all simply variations on the same rationalizations.