Staying Present

In this day and age, where information moves at a mile a minute; in an industry where you're expected to be 10 steps ahead of the pack; in a community that is wrought with reliving its past - I'm finding this self-issued decree of staying present immensely difficult to maintain. I find that every time I'm feel ready to move on, my past comes knocking on my door. Conversely, I'm forced to look into the future and assess my moves now in order to survive the day-to-day.

A wise friend of a (also wise) friend once said, "If you straddle one foot in the past and one in the future, you'll find yourself shitting on today." Not the most eloquent turn of phrase, but an effective one nonetheless. I've said something similar many times - with all of this focus on my past (and in many cases, the future), it feels impossible to enjoy what I have now.

As I strike a balance between the past and the future - hopefully landing me somewhere in the present - my battle is being waged on the surprise ambushes from these opposing camps. Where my heart is concerned, I find more exhaustion in "moving on" then acting accordingly for any given situation. Moving on means cutting a piece of me off. It means, ideally, not gaining access to this part of me again. But what happens in the event if and when I need that access; to assess, to react, to act accordingly? I end up spending more energy pruning all of these emotional tendons then I do allowing them to slowly wither away.

I start to feel stupid asking for advice on the same old things, but again, letting go doesn't always seem like the most prudent choice or decision. As much as I fear the build up on either end of the time spectrum, I fear more losing those pieces. Are the too mutually exclusive? Can't there be a balance for both within the other balance? It's a lot to consider sometimes and more than some people care to understand, but that is where my head rests. While I try to lie between the past and the future, I work even harder at understanding and respecting both, rather than cutting either off or preemptively.

Ah yes, the all-too-familiar state of headiness. It's been a while, but it's still there, just below my surface.

Total Recall

I'm not really sure how to start this post. It's been nearly a month since being in LA and this time has been some of the most stressful, rewarding, liberating and enlightening weeks of my life.

I've spent the better part of this month producing a commercial for my Alma Mater, Emerson College in Boston with my company Movie Magic. While here, I was able to visit some of my best friends, make some new ones and really get a trial-by-fire education in my profession and business.

I spent the month being in charge of an extremely talented team. We rejoiced with our successes, mourned our losses and laughed at our exhaustion. I don't think I've been this tired in a very long time. Despite the blood, sweat and tears, I feel more capable. I feel empowered. I'm excited about my company and moving it forward. I miss my office, my bed, my friends, my life; but I think leaving LA was one of the best things I could have done this month.

Aside from the business oriented lessons, I've learned a great deal about people and the relationships I keep. Again, I found myself at the mercy of the power of human interaction - that for 10 successes, one downturn or negative thought can poison you. I saw the wear of time on friendships; observed how some mold and deteriorate and others ferment and improve with time and space.

I also met my family for the first time in nearly a year. I saw my sister and her very pregnant stomach. I felt my nephew kick. I met my parents at yet another level of understanding and I sit now in my childhood room and feel comforted still. My mind and body are looking into the future, into places even further than they are now, but I still feel a connection here.

I barely had any time to think or sit or be alone, but I managed, somehow, to make new connections and reflect on my recent history. I feel blessed for this last month; this opportunity to grow as an entrepreneur, as a friend, a brother, a son, a person.

The next few weeks will be filled with challenges: staying on task, not feeding the urge to ignore my growing laundry list of "to-do's" and to stay proactive. I will indulge in deep breaths now and focus on the next few steps. I feel like they are going to continue to grow larger. I feel myself growing and my stride widening and I don't want to lose momentum.

Thank you for the support! Homeward bound... the incredible journey begins continues.

Family Ties

It has been over 8 months since I've seen my family. Have I avoided going home? No. Have I tried to go home? Yes. Things just haven't been working out for me in this regard and it is because of this that I have felt a deepening longing to go home and seem my family. I wouldn't say that it's because I want to be coddled and cooed over. Those days are long gone. Nonetheless, there is a comfort about being home, in the house I've grown up in, with the family I grew up with.

I think I attribute this desire to our ever-evolving dynamic as a family. Where most people would account for this change as a point of stress, I find myself drawn to it. I've mentioned before the transformation that takes place after high school and especially after college; that is, where the family undergoes a severe restructuring. Because we are not bound by the nuclear ties of a single roof or our "parents rules," we suddenly become human to one another.

I'm fascinated by the new roles we assume in the family. Yes, the old roles exist, but more as a vestige or a reason for the way things are. Often time, it's a scapegoat and, other times, it's a point of pride. Sometimes we let go and other times we hold on. Still, having spent so much time away from home, I'm seeing each of us - my mother, father, sister and brother - as more or less on a level playing field. We all have our strong suits and our weaknesses. We all have the ways in which we show love and hate. We all have issues.

I've been, and continue to be, intrigued but what makes my family tick. I miss our debates around the dinner table - as much as I also loathe them. My family is growing. My sister is due with his first child in December and a new story begins. Ours continues and I want to catch up and meet the individuals that cared for my as a child in the place they are at now.

OK. I also want a home-cooked meal from my mom and to be coddled... but just a little bit.

Ghosts of Summers Past

What is it about this time of year that changes the rules of engagement for daily life? As the temperature rises, the standards of general human interaction seem to slowly slump. What is it about this weather that justifies our willingness to treat each other differently? For better or for worse, Summer affects our ability to think and act clearly with one another.

What else could explain the statistical increase in road-rage? Mine flares up as I sit in typical traffic or I struggle to find parking in the usual spots. Out of the car, my work decorum quickly fizzles when yet another ego neglects to uphold their end of a bargain. Generally speaking, my temper rises with the temperature.

Conversely, what else could account for the statistical increase in the libido? What percentage of summer romances - whose purpose typically serve us through the lonely winter months and politely fade into oblivion when the earth warms for another likely summer - end unjustly under the guise of autumnal emotions. Worse, what percentage of these get filed under "Growing Experience" or "I Wasn't Ready" and are cast away before they can even ripen?

I find myself indulging in this limitlessness Summer emotive state.

There is a general increase in the heightened state of emotion in my day to day life during these months. I find myself reminiscing more about the past few Summers. Old friends singing old songs, new friends sharing firsts, new experiences in general; I keep thinking about the defining characteristics of my Summer months. I try to recall my state of mind. Every Summer conjures up a singular, definitive experience and/or a particular emotional state.

So, every time I lie in bed and feel the warm air across my face or I smell the warm earth or I taste the salt of my own perspiration, I experience a great love or last picnic in our Fortress of Solitude or a loud Sunday dinner teaming with political satire. I am having great difficulty disassociating these overwhelming memories with my present senses.

I also wouldn't have it any other way.

Maximum Capacity

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like lately, but I've been filling a little overwhelmed. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that I'm loosing the ability to juggle work with my personal life. Again, I'm not complaining by any means - especially in this economic environment, especially in freelance production - being busy is a huge blessing.

Since getting back from Spain I have been piggy-backing producing a short film for Tullio Productions with another short for Movie Magic. On top of this, I helped coordinate a documentary spec with Robert Adanto (A Rising Tide) which is continuing in pre-production and I'm sitting in at my old job at HSI. Needless to say, my personal life has gone a bit to the wayside, but I'm sure that will right itself when another production lull slaps me to the ground.

I know I've spoken on the topic many times before, but I can't get over how seamlessly time passes in Los Angeles. I can't believe it's July now. More than a year here and I couldn't tell you summer from winter. I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in a bio-dome. Hermetically sealed away from the rest of the world. Every now and then, a report will come in from Philly or Boston or New York. A breeze from the outside world will follow quickly after. For a brief moment, my nostrils will fill with the air of another world and set in motion a thousand and one thoughts and ideas in my head about the coming year. Luckily, the sweet aroma dissipates quickly and I forget about these things and hunker back into my comfortable, protected zone.

Still, pervasive thoughts of career moves and physical moves creep into my brain throughout the day and I wonder what life is like beyond the safety of my glass walls. The thoughts are quelled during these period of intensity; work drowning out the inevitable over-thinking and over-sharing and over-justification of my own life.

To be honest, I'm looking forward to this Friday; no work and a holiday weekend filled (hopefully) with friends, with eating and with drinking. I can't wait to spend a day at the beach and do nothing but revel in a month well-spent with hard work and satisfying accomplishments. Then, after a few days, I'm sure I'll post something else about how panicked I am over the lack of work and the lack of understanding of my life here.

At least I put that off since returning from Spain. I think I can keep putting it off until I spend at least one day on the beach, not worrying about anything.

When will sleep come?

Think think think think think.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I hate that feeling. My mind has been in a funk/reeling all day. I learned that yesterday, or possibly this morning, a friend from my high school passed away. I wasn't particularly close with him anymore, but I did theater with him and we were in shows together. We hung out in this capacity. Since then, he went on to school at NYU and lived in NY pursing acting.

When I heard the news, my mind immediately went into a tailspin. I couldn't really think clearly. I still can't really get this out of my head. It all hits a little too close to home. The idea that in an instant my life could be over. You think to yourself: am I living the way I'd want to be remembered? Am I doing what I was meant to do right this minute? What would people say about me?

I can't really help but think all of this. I can't help but be thankful for the time I've had up to this point and the direction my life is going now. I can't really help but be sad and upset - regardless of the degrees of separation - this person was a peer of mine; a person in the same field as I. We came from the same town and wanted to pursue the same things.

I know this has nothing to do really with me, but I can't help that my mind has been ceaselessly wandering all day. It hasn't really stopped. I can't sleep.