Crames Uprooted

Nala

2011-02-03T12:24:00.001-08:00

Nala is Swahili for "Beloved" or "Gift" (depending on who you ask). Either way, she is both. Nala is my new pitbull mix puppy. She came as a surprise and I certainly didn't plan on having her, but when these things happen, they happen. And as we all know, I'm no stranger to fate.

Having Nala also represents a shift in my life. Like the "reset button" in 2011, this attitudinal change in my life is both welcom and necessary. Don't get me wrong, I love being 24 and going out and being crazy, but that will always be there (or at least for the next twenty years if West Hollywood is any indication). With so many factors in my life demanding a greater focus, Nala is one of things I now feel more responsibility towards.

MMM is another area in which my focus grows with greater focus and attention. As I said before, I see this year as our keystone year. That's only going to become a reality with true focus. I've begun the process of truly moving this company forward, reaching out to other businesses for advise and government organizations for direction and aid in getting started. Taking seminars and classes, creating a business plan, consulting with business owners who have fought this battle already - there's many avenues I can walk to learn and grow.

My personal life is yet another area. This year I'll be turning 25 and with that I want to secure a greater accumen for personal financial freedom. Instead of spending so much on bars and clubs; I can begin to adequately pay down student loans and put money away. I've also begun going to the gym again and spending time thinking more acutely about my physical health.

Now, let's be honest: while my life isn't rife with financial and physical irresponsibility, there is that sweet spot we tend to hit which breeds complacency. Life is great. Everything is going our way. Nothing can harm us. Alas, in that complacency, I find little groves of rot can form and eat away at my own productivity over time. I don't want to be a victim of my own sweet spot! So, now is a time of small, but vital adjustments; making sure that the pastures stay green, without weeds or rot.

I gladly welcome these responsibilities and I gladly welcome the little, but indicative changes. I continue to pray for wisdom and favor (as my roommate loves to remind me). With one month down in 2011, I feel the tides turning in a lot of areas in my life. I choose to be fully prepared for what's ahead.

The Reset Button

2011-01-02T15:46:00.000-08:00

Just like that, it's 2011. Like always - time keeps moving along and passing us by. It's easy to get stuck in a single second of the clock's endless ticking. Being stuck is easy - moving forward is not. Let me rephrase that: With the inertia inherent to time, it seems like moving forward would be a breeze; in actuality it's one of life's more difficult tasks.

A good friend of mine advised in his Christmas card this year to stay creative in 2011; do something every day that feeds my creativity and mind. So I'm updating this old blog again. It's been a while and a lot has changed. 2011 is dedicated to what my friends and I have lovingly called the Reset Button. Resetting expectations. Resetting our growing list of regrets. Resetting our ability to move forward and break that pesky time barrier.

One of the toasts I heard this year, stuck will me in particular; that is, that 2011 being about reaping the seeds planted in 2010. As the new year approached, there was this overwhelming feeling that 2011 would be a turning point to many of the people I love. For me, 2011 IS about reaping the seeds sown in my life. Whether that means my company and my business partners taking the next big step in our careers, my family and I proving the old adage "love conquers all," or me finally striking the proverbial balance in the very different areas of my life; 2011 seems to be the year to make it all happen.

There was a tangible turning point in my career this year. The completion of MMM's first feature OPUS (my first feature, producing credit), marked the beginning of something bigger. I've seen huge steps in my professional life for which I couldn't be more grateful. I see people trusting my judgement and my experience to get the job done. I feel my partnership with MMM growing and flourishing and, in this, I see a future I never expected.

The same goes for my family. Returning home this Christmas was a 180 degree difference from the last. Where last year, the soil felt parched and hard, this year felt fertile and rich; my roots a little stronger than before. I spent a lot of time with my Nana - who against all odds has become my biggest advocate and supporter. This past year, she has taught me more about love and tolerance and understanding than any other person in my life. I also got to see and hold my Nephew Jackson. A year into his journey and he's already a beacon of joy and life. My siblings and I found more peace in our ages, in understanding and in a clearer perspective of our childhoods. And my parents. My parents and I found a way to not only coexist, but love each other and see each other beyond our differences. The steps may seem few to the outsider, but their span is immeasurable to me.

And my personal life? In 2010, I realized for the first time I was truly happy with myself. I found the ability to truly love myself and in turn love others. I made relationships I never thought I'd have here in LA and am very blessed for my growing support system. In 2011, I hope to see this grow even more - that the collective wisdom of friends and myself will inform my growth and faith.

I thank God for this New Year; for the chance to reset my life and to move forward into the greener pastures of a life well-cultivated. I've been blessed in many ways and regardless of whether things grow into the plants and flowers I envisioned, in 2010, I must remember that no weed is unable to be cut and no thorn is unable to be removed. Time will continue ticking and I will choose to follow its hands and move forward.

Happy New Year!

Imagine what you can do...

2010-05-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

Finally! After many months of hard work, Emerson has posted our commercial "Imagine what you can do..." on their newly launched website! Check out the link to view the video on Emerson's site below!

THE EMERSON EXPERIENCE

Emerson College Promo from MMM on Vimeo.

Thank you all for your support during this long process! And be ready for some more loving as Emerson has just hired MMM to do another spot for the School of Communications. Boston, here we come (again)!

Pomp and Circumstance

2010-05-16T21:35:00.001-07:00

I've spent the last week in Atlanta visiting my cousin for her high school graduation, but I guess I didn't realize that a vacation from LA would be so welcome at this time. Things have been going immensely well for me the last month or so, but stepping out into the humid Georgia night and feeling the thick air fill my smog-lined lungs; watching lighting dance in the sky and hearing distance rumbles echo across the eastern city just made me so thankful for a change in scenery.

It's been five years since I've graduated high school. Two years out of college seems like a greater distance than five years from AP exams, SAT's and senior dinners. Watching my cousin - more like my sister, as I've watched her grow up literally from birth - walk across the stage brought a little perspective (my favorite word) to my time away from Los Angeles.

I love visiting my aunt and uncle in Atlanta because I feel the deepest connection to this part of my family outside of the immediate. In the course of any given trip, no topic goes un-discussed, no button un-pushed, no argument un-fought. I say all of this with a great deal of love as these trips have become unofficial benchmarks in my life; an easy gauge of my growth into adulthood. At a young age, I would loath my aunt poking fun at my shortcomings - only to grow and realize her true intent. As my aunt and uncle constantly challenged me to be better, show a little more respect, speak a little more clearly and act a little more my age, I began to view these visits as my own interpersonal SATs - awaiting eagerly for the final verdict on my behavior, securing my acceptance into the adult realm.

Five years out of college and now in my mid-20's, I joined my family in Atlanta for the first time in several years. Already anticipating the familial pop-quizzes, I was surprised to discover I had already passed my entrance exams and graduated to their adult world. Five years ago, I was 19; a selfish, naive boy ready to run away from his family to live out college. At the age of 24, I actually think I'm still all of those things, but I realize how much everything else has changed. The topics of conversation are certainly new, the analyzations more indicative and my family, the most transparent its ever been.

I'm grateful to have found a huge deal of support with my aunt and uncle who indicate and insure the growing support in my entire family for the many changes we've undergone these last few months. I think I'm comfortable enough now to say that I am gay in a more public sphere - I've come to terms with a lot about myself, about my upbringing and my family in this last year and I'm a lucky guy to say the least. While this is a still a new adjustment, I know that my parents are not walking away, I know that my family supports me in my adult life and I know that this is just one of many finals we'll have to pass in order to graduate into each new chapter of our lives.

My short time here has opened my mind a lot more than I would have expected. Again, I've had the chance to actively watch my family bloom, another member taking the next step in their lives in Atlanta. Meanwhile, miles away at Penn State, my brother graduated from college (the last of the Cramer children to do so) on the same day. The day-to-day movement of my family continually reminds me that time is a commodity we cannot waste with empty arguments and unfair assumptions. We continue to reshape and evolve and grow very much together and very much apart. Five years ago, I don't think I would have guessed that my family would be having the discussions we're now having. And now, the Perano's have graduated high school, the Cramer's have graduated from college and I'm taking each day as its own celebration of growth and learning.

Yes

2010-04-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

The power of yes. One word.
Relieving stress. Unleash. Contest.
Unwavering faith. One word.
Abate. Open my eyes.
Say yes. Confide.
Relinguish pride.

Say yes. Accept.
One word. Forget.
Erase a notion.
Embrace emotion.
Accept the corny metaphor.
Accept my knocking at your door.

The power of yes. One word.
Confess.
Love in name. Under one he came.
Saying, "Yes, I know.
and yes, you'll grow.
Yes, you'll hear.
And yes, you'll fear.
Yes to all, even when you fall.
A world contests, but I accept."

Say yes. One word.
A world apart.
To live in love. A brand new start.
Conflicting views to the same end.
The power of yes. One word.
Amend.

Shades of Grey Matter

2010-04-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

The human psyche is a fairly puzzling thing - I think that's safe to say. Why do we do the things we do? What countless numbers of outcomes per any given situation fuel our motivations? Why do we connect with certain people? Is it the place, time, convenience, need; the list goes on.

Relationships are one of the most invaluable aspects of my life. I've made that clear, whether it be my family, my friends, significant others or my colleagues. There are people in my life that fall into one of these categories and others that encompass all; and if you know me, you know I take my relationships very seriously. I've been built to function in a support system. While, I'm independent enough to "go it alone," I don't think people were meant to thrive this way. Everyone has someone that they draw strength and insight from in some form or another. I'd be hard-pressed to think of anyone who is truly a one-man show.

Still, we often encounter people who operate regardless of the world around them - they are tough, fierce and impenetrable. If the rest of the world doesn't "get it," then to hell with them. It's not that person's problem.

The more I grow, the more I realize that people cannot operate this way and be truly happy. God knows I have tried, but to little avail. I have attempted making decisions and choices without regard to the world around me. I've been determined to carve my path in spite of what others think. I've done all of these things, but the fact of the matter is is that human beings are social creatures. We rely on interaction, contact, acceptance and love to survive emotionally.

I say these things very carefully. I do not mean to impress that I believe we should fear the opinions of the masses or to simply mold ourselves to what we're taught and told to believe; no. What I intend to impart from my personal experiences is that I'm learning more now than ever that a strong support system is one of the most invaluable things in life and worth the battle wounds and scar tissue that inevitably come while searching for one.

Days turn into weeks into months into years - we've all heard this. With the passage of time comes seasons and with seasons come change; some are inevitable and others unexpected. Growing up in Philadelphia, I'd watch the leaves turn every Fall. By winter, bare trees would freeze until Spring brought a fresh bloom. Beneath all of this, the roots that anchor these trees quietly and ceaselessly provide the nutrients necessary for the tree to survive and re-bloom every single year.

A wise friend often reminds me that relationships operate very similarly. There are those in your life who are the foundation, your roots. You trust them to always be there and sustain you no matter what season. Then, there are those people who are branches. Strong extensions of the former, the branches form the shape and character of your life. Branches can also break and fall away as time and seasons wear on just as new branches grow. Finally, there are the leaves. Entirely seasonal, these people offer shade and sustenance until the sun changes its angle and a new season begins. New leaves will grow in the name of a similar fate; they simply flutter away in the wind or die as the cold sets in.

I have been here for two years now and I'm continually learning where to find my support in LA. Who are the people I turn to and trust? Where do I connect? Why do I connect? How do I figure out which people will fall away with a strong gust of wind or who will branch out from my core or root me in unwavering support? Unfortunately, I think this only comes with experience.

Yes, this interpersonal intuition come with time, with effort and with wounds. It comes from constantly pursing these connections and feeling out the human condition. It comes from not giving up even when a branch gives out or when Winter reclaims its leaves back to the Earth. It means loving amidst all the shades of grey the exist in our heads and under the shade of our tree.

The pursuit of the relationship is one I gladly undertake. It's one I do not fear, despite its dangers and its traps. I choose to find the roots, learn from loss and love the journey.

And now we grow...

2010-04-06T21:48:00.000-07:00

As 2010 rounds its first corner, I find myself standing back a great distance, looking at my family. After spending so much time scrutinizing the microscopic anomalies, the confusing little tidbits, the deformities; I find myself standing back a great distance, trying to see the bigger picture.

My family underwent a number of metamorphoses during Christmas. Some of these gave birth to butterflies and others left us with moths dancing around the last light of some played out argument. It was the strangest sensation - feeling my family pull apart at its seams while simultaneously growing stronger. The conflicting forces left me disheartened to say the least.

There's only some peace in silence; solace from the distress of unwanted company. Even in the silence, there's the noise of your own thoughts. I did my best to reach out to my family and talk - if only to say"hello" - and break the silence.

Warmer and warmer. A smile felt through the phone. The heavy hate that lined my stomach finally being cleansed from the body.

I think standing this far back I realize how difficult, yet blessed these last few months have been for us. Christmas began with the most overwhelming, emotive love I've ever felt. Conversely, I also experience what I think it truly means to have love taken away from you.

I say I'm blessed because I realize that my life encountered a natural disaster. It's been affected by time affords all living things. Like wildfires that arise and burn every so often - eradicating the brush and the bulk of forests, destroying life, stripping the earth of its structure and peace. After the fires subside and the smoke settles, the dead decompose and fuel new life; stronger life. A more select and stable ecosystem arises.

From this great distance, I see that mine is rising. My family's is rising. We burned to the ground. A new seed was born and planted. And now we grow. And love prevails.

To Do List

2010-04-05T00:45:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since I've actively and regularly updated my blog. Since Christmas, things have been a blur. Constantly moving, constantly changing, constantly growing. I keep promising myself to set aside a little time every day - or maybe even just a couple times a week - and dedicate said time to myself, writing, playing music, being alone with my own thoughts; the list goes one. Obviously, these self-inflicted promises are to little avail.

Additionally, sitting down, I find myself staring at this screen wondering where to start with these updates. So much has happened. What do I say? What do I divulge? What would anyone really care about reading. Then again, I told myself I'd keep this blog, more importantly, as an ongoing portrait of my life for me to look back on. So I suppose, I'd better keep myself interested.

Being a goal-oriented person (aka a person that makes too many lists), I've decided to give myself a to-do list for this week. I'm going to make it a personal goal to post on the following topics in one form or another by the week's end:

1) Work

2) Family

3) Travel

4) Faith

5) Relationships

6) Creative stuffs

I suppose, these have become my main labels over the course of the last two years. I'll feel better if I can accomplish this task - although it's looking a little ambitious now. We'll see how this turns out.

Appreciation Post "Beating of a Lifetime"

2010-02-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

Today, MMM Productions' music video "Beating of a Lifetime" for the Appreciation Post is featured on PureVolume.com. Director Chris Cullari and MMM resident DP Elie Smolkin shot the project while in Boston on another MMM venture for Emerson College.

This year is shaping up to be a busy one with a number of projects coming up in the next few months. I'll have more updates shortly - just wanted to quickly post this and put it out into the blog-sphere!

Enjoy!

Silence

2010-01-09T20:06:00.001-08:00

I wrote the following a while ago. I keep looking at it, expecting to be able to finish it. But I haven't been able to. Maybe this is all this is. Either way...

silence fills my ears with drums

beating deep inside

silence pounds, the night feels long

my mind dancing in stride

Unknown's the way my eyes will fall

landing on which door

But when I think I've got it all

I hide from silence more

Baby Beers

2009-12-23T17:29:00.000-08:00

Well it finally happened. Our family has begun a new generation. On January 20th at 12:16 am, my sister gave birth to Jackson Beers. I speak often about the ebb and flow of the family dynamic now that both of my siblings and I are in our twenties and navigating adulthood, but with the addition of two baby cousins and now a nephew, I realized that the absence of my large Italian family was not an absence, but a time of transition. New children are filling the spaces left by Danielle, Jesse and I. What's even stranger, is that they are our children.

I returned from NY Friday evening; literally jumping out of a production cube and running to Port Authority. I finally fell asleep in the warmth of my childhood room. Around 10:30 am, I received a rather panicked phone call from my sister asking where my mother was. I immediately knew what was going on. I grabbed my Dad and picked up my Mom at the King of Prussia Mall and headed over to Bryn Mawr Birthing Center. Unfortunately, January 19 also happened to be biggest December snow storm since 1907 (or something). What a Cramer move to inconvenience everyone and everything for your big dramatic arrival. The baby already has it figured out.

My sister was a champ during her labor - eating the entire time, standing and walking around, laughing and talking with us in-between contractions. When it finally came time to push, my Dad, Mrs. Beers and I sat outside the door and cheered her on. After 14 hours of active labor, just after midnight, we all heard Jackson cry for the first time.

I can't tell you the flood of emotions that probably pulsed throughout the room, but what I felt was not shocking, but it did take me somewhat by surprise. It's incredible, the amount of love that I feel for Jackson instantly. I'm sure it's only a fraction of what the parent feels, but unconditional love nonetheless. "He has your blood. Isn't that crazy?" I watch and listen as reality falls piece by piece on my sister. It's like everyday is a new revelation in her life. I'm surprised by the lack of fear and uncertainty Danielle and Jeff exhibit - emotions I'm convinced will denote the arrival of my first child.

Thus begins the next generation of our family and they seem completely capable of raising Jackson. This baby doesn't even realize the amount of love he has around him. I hold him and feel like he's my own. I'm excited for his future and helping raise him in our family. It's been quite the Christmas vacation so far - and there's still a week left.

I <3 NY, but get me home.

2009-12-20T21:46:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been writing much lately, but I guess that’s a good thing. Over the last few months, my time hasn’t been consumed with trepidations about jobs, income and other matters that have been actively racing around in my head for the better part of the year. Work has been steady – knock on wood – and I’ve been doing my best to push through each week giving 100% to every new challenge.

Right now, I’m sitting on a bus waiting to leave Port Authority in New York City. After my last job in LA, I had planned on returning to Philadelphia early to be with my family. My sister is now two days shy of her dues date and I want more than anything to experience the change our family dynamic is about to undergo.

Instead of getting off the plane and driving home to a warm dinner – I rushed to a bus and taxied to New York. Before leaving LA, I was offered a job on a commercial in New York for a few days. Never having worked production in New York – and lucky to have the chance to make some money right before the holidays – I took the job as a learning experience, as a chance to network and to make some extra money.

The differences between New York and Los Angeles production are fairly overt, but more on that later. I spent the second part of my workweek hustling around the Big Apple. I feel worn out and spread thin by the last few days. As a blizzard approaches the East Coast, I am silently screaming inside my head for the bus driver to get the lead out. I want to be home with my family. I want to go to Valley Forge Park and go sledding with my friends. I want to go a few days without thinking about work.

As Jeff so aptly put it: “Mark’s bloodlust for networking and money” has been satisfied. Frankly, after the last two months, I’m exhausted. With another two weeks still left in principle photography for the Emerson Promo come January, I plan on indulging in the next two weeks. I plan on recharging my battery. I plan on eating a lot of food, having a lot to drink and reveling in the holiday.

Come New Years, I’ll gladly lift a thankful head to the sky for a healthy family and the current state of my life.

Friends, Lovers or Nothing

2009-11-10T16:18:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to songs from John Mayer's upcoming album "Battle Studies," and I'm finding each song more and more applicable to my own experiences. It's been a while since I've connected to an artists' words so immediately or without straining to find meaning. Here's one that hit home a little more than the others:

And the lyrics...

Now that we are over

As the loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways
To keep the good alive

Only when we want is not
A compromise
Ill be pouring tears
Into your drying eyes

Friends, lovers, or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never be the inbetween
So give it up

You whisper "Come on over"
Cause your two drinks in
But in the morning I will say
Good-bye again

Think we'll never fall into
The jealous game
The streets will flood
With blood of those who felt the same

Friends, lovers, or nothing
You see
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We'll never an inbetween
So give it up

Friends, lovers, or nothing
We can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
Don't you know
We'll never be the inbetween
So give it up

No we'll never the inbetween
So give it up

See Me Now

2009-11-03T00:29:00.000-08:00

An endless cycle in the mind

It wanes and grows, it never dies

Each one adds one feeling more

The heart pounds. Still before.

See me now, what you've missed

watch my body, feel my kiss

hold your arms, to yourself

think of me, of what we felt...

Time can heal, time can break

unravel love, but never stake

your claim in me - exhaustion brings.

My heart unwinds. Your passion sings

See me now, what you miss

feel my body, taste my kiss

press my arms to yourself

think of me, of what we felt...

The sun shines differently today for you

but I know these words will never do

can love just vanish and fade

no, time can only change, what we have already made

See me now, what you'll miss

Heat my body, take my kiss

press your arms to the sky

think of me, watch me fly

See me now, what you'll miss

Heat my body, take my kiss

press your arms to the sky

think of me, watch me fly

watch me fly.

New Ink!

2009-11-02T23:57:00.001-08:00

In the spirit of remembering where I came from as I continue on in my journey - a steady theme in my day to day life - I finally got my new tattoo courtesy of Bill at The Tattoo Lounge on Venice Blvd.

I first got the idea a year ago during Christmas when I saw the original design on a t-shirt at Ubiq in Philadelphia. When I finally returned home 8 months later, I went back and ended up chatting with one of the reps there. I explained to him the design and he said the artist was a buddy of his. I gave him my information with the thin hope that he might actually contact me. A few weeks later, there he was in my inbox. I told him what I wanted and why and he supplied me with a fresh version of the design.

I finally bit the bullet and made the appointment for Sunday. I couldn't be happier! Luckily, my friend was standing by to watch me cringe - and too my credit, I held my own pretty well! I will admit, my arm is pretty sore right now though! In any case, there she is!

Wanderlust

2009-10-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

Runyan Canyon is a park above Sunset at the foot of the hills that separate the Valley from Los Angeles. I go here often to run, hike, do outdoor yoga and the like. My favorite portion of my routine lasts a mere 10 seconds as I run the decline back to my car. The road winds and winds and at the 4th or 5th bend, the city completely disappears behind the mountains. I relish in my fleeting escape; away from the constant gaze of the cityscape, I imagine I'm somewhere else. I like to think I'm running a tiny path that wraps around the Andes Mountains in Peru, or maybe a warm range in the arid mediterranean.

As much as I love my life here, I can't help ward off the familiar pangs of my wanderlust. To pick up and start over. To allow my roots to unfurl into nothing but seedlings of a new adventure. The prospects are quite appealing.

All the places I could see, the people I could say hello to,

the love I could encounter,

the loss I could feel,

the time I could waste,

the things I could neglect and forget.

Even the bad things sound kind of good. There's something comforting in loosing myself and living without ties and responsibility. I think I sometimes have an aversion to responsibility. I also think you could find a few people who might confirm this.

Like anything else, this lifestyle would age quickly and I'd want the comfort and security of a rooted life once again. So, I'll try less dramatic prescriptions and smaller dosages than a move around the world. I think I'll take up Spanish lessons or plan a road trip. Those sound like more responsible choices

Still, getting lost somewhere does sound nice now and again. I doubt that feeling will ever find its way from me.

Staying Present

2009-10-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

In this day and age, where information moves at a mile a minute; in an industry where you're expected to be 10 steps ahead of the pack; in a community that is wrought with reliving its past - I'm finding this self-issued decree of staying present immensely difficult to maintain. I find that every time I'm feel ready to move on, my past comes knocking on my door. Conversely, I'm forced to look into the future and assess my moves now in order to survive the day-to-day.

A wise friend of a (also wise) friend once said, "If you straddle one foot in the past and one in the future, you'll find yourself shitting on today." Not the most eloquent turn of phrase, but an effective one nonetheless. I've said something similar many times - with all of this focus on my past (and in many cases, the future), it feels impossible to enjoy what I have now.

As I strike a balance between the past and the future - hopefully landing me somewhere in the present - my battle is being waged on the surprise ambushes from these opposing camps. Where my heart is concerned, I find more exhaustion in "moving on" then acting accordingly for any given situation. Moving on means cutting a piece of me off. It means, ideally, not gaining access to this part of me again. But what happens in the event if and when I need that access; to assess, to react, to act accordingly? I end up spending more energy pruning all of these emotional tendons then I do allowing them to slowly wither away.

I start to feel stupid asking for advice on the same old things, but again, letting go doesn't always seem like the most prudent choice or decision. As much as I fear the build up on either end of the time spectrum, I fear more losing those pieces. Are the too mutually exclusive? Can't there be a balance for both within the other balance? It's a lot to consider sometimes and more than some people care to understand, but that is where my head rests. While I try to lie between the past and the future, I work even harder at understanding and respecting both, rather than cutting either off or preemptively.

Ah yes, the all-too-familiar state of headiness. It's been a while, but it's still there, just below my surface.

A new season.

2009-10-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm finding difficulty with my words.

Living in my worlds.

Left LA, the summer behind

I freed my mind.

The seasons change, this one feels fresh

something new to quest

Bound or apart, my mind might race

Peace I find in one embrace

I keep restarting this entry - I couldn't finish the stanzas. It's been an intense couple of weeks since being back. Fall has certainly arrived. I feel the new season in almost every aspect of my life. Having spent so much time away from LA, I've come back and seen my day-to-day life for what it is. I enjoy my routine. I enjoy my work; this freelancing, working for myself, having my own office with my best friend. Things are hard sometimes, but I manage. I support myself. I maintain great friendships. I have a home. I feel like I have a future.

These feelings are all fleeting. My life feels so incremental, each notch a different emotive state, it's incredible that I can write this entry through without changing my mind. For now though, I'm enjoying the change in season. I enjoyed the rain today - the first rain which always feels the city feeling clean.

I think I feel cleaner now. Not too sure why. Some clarity has come over the last month or so. Something of confidence or assurance in my life. I feel like I'm learning who I am at a faster pace now. Without the hurdles of adolesence or schoolwork, or becoming an adult or finding a job - I'm jumping with more agility. My feet seem to be landing square on the ground.

This day-to-day feels very different from when I left. The rain is washing away some of the dust and haze of the warmer months. I stood on the top of Runyan Canyon for the first time in a long while yesterday, the cooler air filling my lungs, looking at the reflection of the waning sun on the ocean miles away and I felt truly happy.

I'm sure some crisis will come along soon enough and I'll write multiple entries to this one to help cope. In the meantime, I think I'm learning the value of being present and enjoying the moment in my work, in my relationships, in my daily life. Maybe that is what feels different. I'm not calculating outcomes or exit strategies; instead, I'm finding the peace in the moment. In feeling and acknowledging and moving forward. Maybe that's it.

Total Recall

2009-09-24T17:25:00.001-07:00

I'm not really sure how to start this post. It's been nearly a month since being in LA and this time has been some of the most stressful, rewarding, liberating and enlightening weeks of my life.

I've spent the better part of this month producing a commercial for my Alma Mater, Emerson College in Boston with my company Movie Magic. While here, I was able to visit some of my best friends, make some new ones and really get a trial-by-fire education in my profession and business.

I spent the month being in charge of an extremely talented team. We rejoiced with our successes, mourned our losses and laughed at our exhaustion. I don't think I've been this tired in a very long time. Despite the blood, sweat and tears, I feel more capable. I feel empowered. I'm excited about my company and moving it forward. I miss my office, my bed, my friends, my life; but I think leaving LA was one of the best things I could have done this month.

Aside from the business oriented lessons, I've learned a great deal about people and the relationships I keep. Again, I found myself at the mercy of the power of human interaction - that for 10 successes, one downturn or negative thought can poison you. I saw the wear of time on friendships; observed how some mold and deteriorate and others ferment and improve with time and space.

I also met my family for the first time in nearly a year. I saw my sister and her very pregnant stomach. I felt my nephew kick. I met my parents at yet another level of understanding and I sit now in my childhood room and feel comforted still. My mind and body are looking into the future, into places even further than they are now, but I still feel a connection here.

I barely had any time to think or sit or be alone, but I managed, somehow, to make new connections and reflect on my recent history. I feel blessed for this last month; this opportunity to grow as an entrepreneur, as a friend, a brother, a son, a person.

The next few weeks will be filled with challenges: staying on task, not feeding the urge to ignore my growing laundry list of "to-do's" and to stay proactive. I will indulge in deep breaths now and focus on the next few steps. I feel like they are going to continue to grow larger. I feel myself growing and my stride widening and I don't want to lose momentum.

Thank you for the support! Homeward bound... the incredible journey ~~begins~~ continues.

So it begins...

2009-09-04T09:06:00.001-07:00

Here's where I'll be spending the next few weeks of my life in Boston.

Worth the Wait

2009-08-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

I can say unabashedly, that August has been the most difficult month for me since moving to Los Angeles for work. Production in the mainstream has been slow and job after job has fallen through. True to form, I've been in and out of a quiet panic deep inside my head. Even truer to form, things ended up being OK. I booked a producing job that will uproot me from Los Angeles and temporarily plant me back in Boston and New York.

Being able to travel for work is a huge blessing and while many jobs fell through, it seems I had to wait for the better opportunity. This wasteland of work has allowed me to really focus on Movie Magic Media and build our credit list (we were just awarded our first professional music video, The Summer Set with Razor and Tie in NY, that shoots this weekend.), organize our space and nurse this company to life. Not only will I be producing this commercial, but MMM has been awarded the job. This is the first large-scale job awarded to the company by a third party.

The icing on the cake is that I will also have a chance to travel home to Philly and see my family for a few days. I hoping to piggy back the trips, but this means I'll be out of LA for nearly a month. I'm excited to get away on a great job, see my family and come back to LA with a fresh perspective. (There's that word again.)

So, it's time to gear up for a hard, but rewarding couple of weeks. It's time to recharge my West Coast battery with a little East Coast love. I'm out on a redeye on Tuesday.

IMG00056.jpg

2009-08-20T19:56:00.001-07:00

PR6 Premiere Party. Thompson Hotel roof in Beverly Hills!

Family Ties

2009-08-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

It has been over 8 months since I've seen my family. Have I avoided going home? No. Have I tried to go home? Yes. Things just haven't been working out for me in this regard and it is because of this that I have felt a deepening longing to go home and seem my family. I wouldn't say that it's because I want to be coddled and cooed over. Those days are long gone. Nonetheless, there is a comfort about being home, in the house I've grown up in, with the family I grew up with.

I think I attribute this desire to our ever-evolving dynamic as a family. Where most people would account for this change as a point of stress, I find myself drawn to it. I've mentioned before the transformation that takes place after high school and especially after college; that is, where the family undergoes a severe restructuring. Because we are not bound by the nuclear ties of a single roof or our "parents rules," we suddenly become human to one another.

I'm fascinated by the new roles we assume in the family. Yes, the old roles exist, but more as a vestige or a reason for the way things are. Often time, it's a scapegoat and, other times, it's a point of pride. Sometimes we let go and other times we hold on. Still, having spent so much time away from home, I'm seeing each of us - my mother, father, sister and brother - as more or less on a level playing field. We all have our strong suits and our weaknesses. We all have the ways in which we show love and hate. We all have issues.

I've been, and continue to be, intrigued but what makes my family tick. I miss our debates around the dinner table - as much as I also loathe them. My family is growing. My sister is due with his first child in December and a new story begins. Ours continues and I want to catch up and meet the individuals that cared for my as a child in the place they are at now.

OK. I also want a home-cooked meal from my mom and to be coddled... but just a little bit.

MV Shoot @ Panavision

2009-08-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

Just a few shots from a music video I worked on this weekend as an AD. I think it looks pretty incredible and I'm excited for the band!

The set.

Screenshot with Roxy the PD :)

Can't upload pictures of the costumes, but they are equally amazing. Fun day at work.

My mother just requested me on Facebook...

2009-08-12T18:59:00.000-07:00

Nothing more interesting to say... Summer lingers on in Los Angeles.

** I always get the same cute bank teller at Chase in Culver City. She knows all of the intimate details of my financial life and I kind of feel like we're in a serious relationship.

** I always end up spending twice as long at any Trader Joe's other than my own on La Brea trying to figure out where everything is. I also get really angry whenever my TJ's changes anything (ex. switching the the bread aisle with the coffee aisle. Why?!). I always spent at least ten minutes waiting for someone to vacate one of the ten available spots in the parking lot.

** I'm find myself anticipating the next wave in the political tides. In the adult world, these issues seem to flood all other aspects of daily life. (Ex. 9/11, Global Warming, Recession)

** My mother just friend requested me on Facebook. My brother and sister have accepted said request. I on the other hand would just rather listen to my mother talk about how many "fake friends" she has than grant her access into my highly public world. I also ~~secretly~~ like keeping my mother guessing.

** Whether or not I stay in Los Angeles for the long term, I will always think of the city as....

1) Miracle Mile - because it's my neighborhood and home. I love the barred windows on the first floors of the duplexes and the fact that I can stand on my roof and see all parts of the city.

2) Culver City - because Culver was the original Hollywood and I feel like the industry still exists here in a less bastardized form than in the rest of the city. Also, the countless days spent working here and enjoying the downtown area, sitting outside with a cup of coffee or having a drink.

3) West Hollywood - because this area grew on me. Because despite the stereotypes and assumptions about the area, it really is a beautiful community with a number of significant memories from all areas in my life.

Not enough to write about on their own. Just a bunch of thoughts. Hope your week is going well!

On Set

2009-08-08T08:09:00.001-07:00

Setting up moho for talent... I think I'll enjoy breakfast in this ac!

Quiet Fix

2009-08-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

Like I mentioned before, I've been spending more of my time focusing on music as a creative outlet. As I have no piano easily at my fingertips, I've been proactive about writing lyrics and then working with friends (who do have these melodic means) to add music. Not the most pragmatic way to go about penning a song, but I'm working with what I've got! Here are some lyrics I've been working on. I'm a few songs in now...

-------------------

Tropics line the streets

Wheels and pavement meet

The earth beneath me quakes

I feel my body shake and...

Each day I search for a quiet fix

An easy sign

Slow passing time

To understand what I've missed

But I'm a wanderer. I'm a warrior

Marching towards something new.

I'm a pioneer, in spite of fear

Give me the peace I'm due

This traveler in search of a clearer view

Buildings line the streets

Cabs provide a steady fleet

Time passes in the Square

Passing me by without a care and...

Each day I search for a quiet fix

An easy sign

Slow passing time

To understand what I've missed

But I'm a wanderer. I'm a warrior

Marching towards something new.

I'm a pioneer, in spite of fear

Give me the peace I'm due

This traveler in search of a clearer view

Chasing the setting sun

Clear my mind. I have to run

Each place feels the same

How long can I remain?

And I'm a wanderer. I'm a warrior

Marching towards something new.

I'm a pioneer, in spite of fear

Give me the peace I'm due

This traveler in search of his clearer view

Happy One Year Anniversary (from Palm Springs)!!!

2009-08-01T15:46:00.001-07:00

It's been one year since starting Crames Uprooted. Thanks for following along :)

Movie Magic Moving On Up

2009-07-28T01:03:00.001-07:00

Here's a look at the first addition to Movie Magic Media since coming to Los Angeles last year! Slow but steady wins the race! This office is shared by Bird and myself and is dedicated to development and production. Moving on up!

My desk. Excited about all the light!

Another look!

Needless to say, I'm ecstatic about having some dedicated space and a desk. I'm also excited about my bunk-mate, Bird. I am ALSO excited about all of the organization, but that's the neurotic in me I suppose.

The New Relationship(s)

2009-07-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

re⋅la⋅tion⋅ship

[ri-ley-shuhn-ship]

–noun

1.	a connection, association, or involvement.

2.	connection between persons by blood or marriage.

3.	an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.

4.	a sexual involvement; affair.

Over the course of my weekend, this particular word presented itself in a multitude of forms, fashions, and functions. In nearly every sense of the word, I was forced to pry a little deeper into my existing - and subsequently past and forthcoming - relationships as Friday turned into Sunday. What I discovered are two undeniable truths:

1) Fortunately, I learn from experience. Relationships will only get better: the more I learn and experience, the more I grow.

2) Unfortunately, I learn from experience. The past is past and I can't change the relationships I've messed up and the people I've hurt.

Now that being said, I think the former outweighs the latter in a myriad of ways and should be held in a much higher regard. Still, any human with any sort of life experience will tell you that the tiniest drop of 'negative' can poison an ocean of 'positive.'

I found myself examining each definition in the above excerpt, inspecting and defining my interaction and interfacing with....

1) acquaintances, my day to day life, my world

2) my family

3) my friends and colleagues

4) my love life

I think each of these warrant their own entry; however all of them have a few core things in common. I'm realizing on a deeper level the evolution of the new relationships in my life. Whether I met you yesterday or have known you my entire life, there's a new code of conduct that applies to my life and as I function now.

First of all, I'm beyond my "transition" period in Los Angeles. As it's to be expected, any big change requires a certain amount of self-involvement in ones life in order to guard yourself and establish roots and a new identity. Unfortunately, this mechanism of survival leaves many in a the choppy wake of narcism and narrow-mindedness. Like I said, this period of my life (for now) is complete, and I have no excuse to treat any person, family member or loved one with any amount of emotional disregard.

Next, I've was reminded at the sermon this week to always stay invested in my relationships, even when things get bad. I've been a firm believer of this my whole life, but there have been instances in my recent history where I've really neglected this. I've "taken off" from many of my relationships; a few hours can been as detrimental as a few days where this matter is concerned. One minute is enough to destroy even the most established relationship. Ultimately, some occasions will need to end in a departure, but as a rule, I find that the benefit of the doubt and/or a second chance will leave you happier in the long run.

Finally, encourage and value the people you're with. The older I get the easier people seem to turn from one another when they feel their value is treated with disregard. The indescretions we experience in childhood and adolescence, the unsavory actions we permit in those relationships simply do not apply anymore. Whether this is associated with the gradual relief of social pressures or a general wear in patience, I find that special attention must be paid where egos are concerned. At the most basic level, we should lift each other up and support each other. This seemingly simple rule is one often neglected and hard to regularly maintain even in the most earnest friend.

As I see it, the new rules of the relationship will vary from person to person. These are my own assertions, although I do think they hold at least some validity for all. Take what you will. Add what you will. Leave what you will. It's all about experience. It's entirely about you. And it has nothing at all to do with you.

Hungry Man @ MMM: Something to smile about...

2009-07-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

I spent today working on a commercial for the City of Las Vegas at Hungry Man Productions and halfway into the morning, the power in the Culver City production office went out. The a/c was not working and ants wriggled all over our production bay. After the 3rd of 4th power outage my production manager sent me on a few errands. Almost immediately after she hit me up with a text that gently read, "Hurry and get back here! We're blowing this popsicle stand. Know of any places to go work?!?!"

I offered her the ever-ready, ever-modest Movie Magic Media office. Last week, Bird worked on clearing out the adjacent room for our production office (AKA The Mark and Bird suite). I told her about the great air conditioning and the free internet. Needless to say, she excitedly obliged to my offer.

So I spent today working from my new desk for the first time! Not the most important post in recent history, but it was definitely something to smile about...

Musicality

2009-07-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've found an increasing amount of people in my life that are deeply involved in music. In turn, I've been finding the inspiration to pursue a passion that's been deeply ingrained in my entire life. Unfortunately, I haven't had the money to purchase a piano this past year, so I have no way of melodically penning music. Instead, I've been focusing on lyrical composition and working with those I know have the ability and means to fill in the former.

While I've played the piano since kindergarten or about age 5, I have had little experience in composition. I've always watched others with self-conscious admiration. The ability to construct lines of music, themes, harmonies, complex rhythms etc is something I've envied of the musicians in my life. Growing up, I lacked a formal education in musical theory, so I relied on teaching myself and a few scattered lessons over the years.

Recently, however, I've enjoyed an increasing desire and clear inspiration to pursue my own music. After leaving college, I lost the resources for this creative outlet. I'm thousands of miles away from my piano and voice teachers and I cannot go to a practice room on a whim to tinker around. This loss has become a growing concern of mine and one that I now find I'm ready to actively pursue.

Writing, in general, has become a huge passion for me and I've always seen music as one of the most evocative forms of expression. I'm thankful for those people in my life that have reintroduced this to my life and I'm excited to keep moving forward with music in mind. If anything else, it'll give me a good laugh or two a few years down the line.

Which gut do I follow again?

2009-07-15T09:46:00.001-07:00

Don't know if I should....

re-sign my apartment lease for a price break

take that 9-5

be completely honest with a potential source of significant income

let the phone ring rather than hang up after I dial... every time

But how do I....

start down a relatively unexplored, but highly desired career path in doc filmmaking

get to New York in the next month

incorporate music into my life more

keep putting one foot in front of the other

And when that's all done, do I...

feel that I've accomplished what I was supposed to

understand love more than I did a year ago

get to share what I've learned

smile because the harder choice ended up being the right one

What do I do when my gut feeling conflicts with my gut feeling?

Ghosts of Summers Past

2009-07-13T00:19:00.000-07:00

What is it about this time of year that changes the rules of engagement for daily life? As the temperature rises, the standards of general human interaction seem to slowly slump. What is it about this weather that justifies our willingness to treat each other differently? For better or for worse, Summer affects our ability to think and act clearly with one another.

What else could explain the statistical increase in road-rage? Mine flares up as I sit in typical traffic or I struggle to find parking in the usual spots. Out of the car, my work decorum quickly fizzles when yet another ego neglects to uphold their end of a bargain. Generally speaking, my temper rises with the temperature.

Conversely, what else could account for the statistical increase in the libido? What percentage of summer romances - whose purpose typically serve us through the lonely winter months and politely fade into oblivion when the earth warms for another likely summer - end unjustly under the guise of autumnal emotions. Worse, what percentage of these get filed under "Growing Experience" or "I Wasn't Ready" and are cast away before they can even ripen?

I find myself indulging in this limitlessness Summer emotive state.

There is a general increase in the heightened state of emotion in my day to day life during these months. I find myself reminiscing more about the past few Summers. Old friends singing old songs, new friends sharing firsts, new experiences in general; I keep thinking about the defining characteristics of my Summer months. I try to recall my state of mind. Every Summer conjures up a singular, definitive experience and/or a particular emotional state.

So, every time I lie in bed and feel the warm air across my face or I smell the warm earth or I taste the salt of my own perspiration, I experience a great love or last picnic in our Fortress of Solitude or a loud Sunday dinner teaming with political satire. I am having great difficulty disassociating these overwhelming memories with my present senses.

I also wouldn't have it any other way.

Listo de Nostalgia

2009-07-06T00:55:00.000-07:00

Feeling a little lost in nostalgia of late. I think this is because I've been spending a lot of my time...

1) sifting through my entire iphoto library not just once, but multiple times.

2) doing the same and trying to piece together my old apartments.

3) thinking a great deal about New York and the people living on that island.

4) embracing every moment of spanish conversation - the inability to understand what is going on is kind of comforting.

5) listening to my ipod on shuffle... and clicking next until it's a song I associated with last summer.

6) day dreaming more and more about having Sunday dinner with my family.

7) looking up plane tickets to different cities.

8) trying to justify reasons for purchasing said tickets.

9) damn it.

10) making lists.

Maximum Capacity

2009-07-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like lately, but I've been filling a little overwhelmed. Not necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that I'm loosing the ability to juggle work with my personal life. Again, I'm not complaining by any means - especially in this economic environment, especially in freelance production - being busy is a huge blessing.

Since getting back from Spain I have been piggy-backing producing a short film for Tullio Productions with another short for Movie Magic. On top of this, I helped coordinate a documentary spec with Robert Adanto (A Rising Tide) which is continuing in pre-production and I'm sitting in at my old job at HSI. Needless to say, my personal life has gone a bit to the wayside, but I'm sure that will right itself when another production lull slaps me to the ground.

I know I've spoken on the topic many times before, but I can't get over how seamlessly time passes in Los Angeles. I can't believe it's July now. More than a year here and I couldn't tell you summer from winter. I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in a bio-dome. Hermetically sealed away from the rest of the world. Every now and then, a report will come in from Philly or Boston or New York. A breeze from the outside world will follow quickly after. For a brief moment, my nostrils will fill with the air of another world and set in motion a thousand and one thoughts and ideas in my head about the coming year. Luckily, the sweet aroma dissipates quickly and I forget about these things and hunker back into my comfortable, protected zone.

Still, pervasive thoughts of career moves and physical moves creep into my brain throughout the day and I wonder what life is like beyond the safety of my glass walls. The thoughts are quelled during these period of intensity; work drowning out the inevitable over-thinking and over-sharing and over-justification of my own life.

To be honest, I'm looking forward to this Friday; no work and a holiday weekend filled (hopefully) with friends, with eating and with drinking. I can't wait to spend a day at the beach and do nothing but revel in a month well-spent with hard work and satisfying accomplishments. Then, after a few days, I'm sure I'll post something else about how panicked I am over the lack of work and the lack of understanding of my life here.

At least I put that off since returning from Spain. I think I can keep putting it off until I spend at least one day on the beach, not worrying about anything.

AI Registration

2009-06-28T05:34:00.001-07:00

Rose Bowl at 5:30 am

Strange

2009-06-25T19:17:00.001-07:00

Driving home...

"Quarter-Life Crisis"

2009-06-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

I stepped off the plane from my two-week trip to Madrid and returned to a Los Angeles in the thick of Summer. Early Summers in LA are literally overshadowed by "June Gloom," that 14-21 day period where the sun fights a futile battle against an unrelenting Marine layer. This Wednesday evening was no different. I stepped off the plane and inhaled the thick air. Somehow, the air maintains its dense consistency without the help of humidity or condensation.

Mere moments after leaving my tiny, uncomfortable prison of a seat on the American Airlines jet, the "Spain Hangover" (as my mother so kindly put it) began. Something was, and is, different about this particular case of wander-lust. It began in Madrid, during a conversation I had with a friend I made while standing on my veranda. We talked for a while across the way, then met up for a walk. This was rather typical of my experience with Madrid - the city survives on social interaction. Meeting people and eating, drinking, smoking together, joining random groups and parties; you're never alone. Even being alone in Madrid means leaning out of your window over the railing and watching the people below you and around you all doing the same; acknowledging each other.

During our walk, my new friend asked why I was in Madrid, how I liked Los Angeles and what it is I was doing with my life. The standard rundown for any new acquaintance, but for some reason, I found difficultly in finding the right words. I knew why I had come to Madrid: Wes had his exhibit in PhotoEspana '09, tickets were cheap, my lifelong best friend Jeff and I needed an excuse to see each other and I just wanted to get away. I know how I like Los Angeles: it's like being in a relationship; you meet it, fall in love, the honeymoon ends, you get in fights, sleep on separate sides of the bed and then make up.

The problematic question, however; the question I couldn't seem to answer: What am I doing with my life. I can say, "Well, I'm currently freelancing in film, music video and commercial production as a PA, coordinator and more recently, independent producer. I'm also working on my acting career and, really, I'm just hustling to survive during this shit-tank of an economy."

That's the simple, rehearsed answer.

But this growing restlessness inside of me prevented any such response to my friend. There was a strange level of trust with this person and I felt the need to overindulge in this answer. So I said, "To be honest, I don't know really what I'm doing with my life. A year after graduating college, I'm feeling a more lost than I ever have." The words left my mouth and took my breath along with it. I hadn't yet verbalized my discontent, and suddenly, I was exactly what I said I was. Lost.

There has been a growing discourse among my peer group the past month, and especially in the last few weeks, about the "quarter-life crisis." Somewhere in your twenties, you're likely to find yourself lost in a whirlpool of professional decisions, responsibility and adult pander. Suddenly, after spending all of the money to graduate college, obtain a degree and move to a new city for work, you wonder if you've really made any progress at all. Did I waste all of this money on a degree whose field I now resent?

Yesterday, I went for a run last night during the twilight hours. After my body warmed up, I hit my stride; that point in your workout where my body feels like it will run forever, ceaselessly, boundlessly. As time ticks away and the ground passes beneath you, slowly you feel the pull of your muscles. You feel the contractions of the strain take hold and suddenly your body is heavy. You push and push until your reach the finish line as if you can only take one my step. You realize that your body cannot, in fact, last forever. That it has its breaking point.

That initial stride, that feeling of infinite energy is similar to how I felt when moving to LA. I graduated a year early, I made the leap of faith and started my run before the shotgun even sounded. The warmup in Los Angeles was difficult, but I eventually hit a stride. Now, after a year my legs are feeling heavy and on my run yesterday, I finally felt the effects of a few too many cigarettes at a few too many dimly lit bars in Madrid.

I'm trying to think this about all of these feelings with respect to my current culture shock. I'm doing my best to not be overly reactionary. I'm trying to move forward with my plans and in the spirit of doing so, I attended a meeting with an acting manager I had set up prior to leaving for vacation. Honoring this appointment left me with some really great advice, an excellent contact and an open door for possible future representation. But, to my dismay, I found myself feigning interest while I spoke with him. Even worse, I walked out of the meeting and my gut delicately whispered: "You don't want this."

As if pushing aside my diaphragm and intestines and stabbing me in the heart, my gut effectively threw yet another wrench in the works. I don't want this right now. Acting has been my passion my entire life and now it's time to step up my game, but I can't even seem to get my shoes tied properly. I realized that I might not be ready to settle down and pursue a career like with all of my being. I'm not ready to commit to the lifestyle. I want to experience more, meet more people, eat more food. I want to see the good and the bad and be a student of experience.

I don't think I can wrap this entry up with a neat little bow. I don't think there is really a way to end this train of thought, because it's constantly moving. I'm still thinking and as more possibilities come into focus, the more I realize why this time of my life is referred to as my "quarter-life crisis." Luckily, I know that with the exhaustion that accompanies every run, also comes more strength to run again. So tomorrow morning, I'll wake up, my body rested, and run again.

Tangent: A Breath of Fresh Air

2009-06-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

I never noticed the crickets chirping during the nights in Los Angeles. I don't know why. Maybe because associate this twilight soundscape with the balmy Summer months on the east coast; lying in bed on top of my sheets, sweating to death in my boxers, just waiting for their ambient chants to lull me to sleep. So, in the land where Autumn never comes; where Summer lasts forever, who's to blame me for this negligence?

After getting a cup of coffee with one of my best friends, recounting my recent trip to Madrid, I decided to go for a late run. The early night was especially cool, the air pure. I felt like I could really breath - a rare occasion in this smog-soaked city. I heard the crickets for the first time. I could smell the earth and my legs felt boundless. I don't know why, but my mind locked into this I run. And I flew.

Suddenly, my mind felt immensely clear. I could think. This writer's block I described in the entries preceding my vacation all but vanished. A weight lifted off of my shoulders and ideas began running through my head. I could hear the crickets.

My feet carried me home, sweat expelling the last three weeks of indulging the world; the excessive drinks, food, cigarettes, conversations, sights and sounds of a foreign landscape. I hear the crickets outside my open windows. I hear children wandering the streets, skateboards chugging along the cracks of the sidewalk, wild laughs and social jabs echoing through the neighborhood. School is out.

Summer is here. I left Los Angeles two weeks ago in the state it's always in. I ventured away from its stasis and returned here to the summer, to $4.00 a gallon of gas, to June gloom, to crickets chirping. I have no idea if they chirp all year long here. I guess I never took the time to listen. And now I've completely strayed from my original topic. Let me try this again...

The Adventure Begins!

2009-05-28T16:56:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in Dulles International Airport in Washington D.C. with the first leg of my trip behind me. I neck deep in a guide to Spain that Irwin Levin gave me and all I can think about is amazing wines, great museums, fascinating people and the company of my best, best friend Jeff.

I don't know what technology I'll have to effectively relay the experience, but I suppose it might be best to have none; experience it and compartmentalize (as I know I eventually will) later.

I can't believe how busy my days have been lately with the film and trying to get ready for today. Luckily, I succeeded with only a few minor hickups. Luckily again, I had a few good men to help me sort it all out! I made it and I'm on my way!

I will be back June 10 in the evening. Until then, enjoy your weeks and I'll see you on the other side :)

Option 4

2009-05-23T14:05:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past month. Luckily, I haven't had time to think much the past few days as I booked a gig production managing a short film with these two French directors. More on that later.

I'm running on an empty tank as each day is met with new production challenges. On top of this prepro madness, I'm gearing up to travel to Madrid, Spain for two weeks next Thursday. My roommate J. Wesley Brown has been accepted into a festival there for his photography and tickets were extremely cheap, so I took the chance to have an adventure.

As my days have been filling more and more with freelance work, thoughts of the future continue to infiltrate my daily regime. With each passing day, I've been considering more and more a fourth option in the list I presented last week. Do you have something that makes your heart race? An idea that gets your blood moving and brain synapses firing a mile a minute? I have a growing passion to see the world and how others live/struggle/survive. I want to immerse myself in a culture for months at a time and experience what they experience.

I've always said that my second career would be one in documentary filmmaking. As the summer months begin, my lease is coming up on my apartment and no full-time job in place - I'm (secretly) excited at my lack of structure; at the countless directions in which my life could progress. The reality of my life is that I could move anywhere, take classes, start getting into this career now. I could spend my time learning and growing and extending my passions towards something meaningful and fulfilling. Living in LA and seeing how involved people become in their ladders, their personal growth - this microcosm that we've all come to hold so dear - I want to see more. I want to know what the rest of the world is like an share this with people.

Still, something still pulls me to pursue acting and a career in the mainstream. My brain is battling these opposing forces. Isn't life too short to be waste pursuing a career that seems like the right (or more impressive) choice? Isn't the economy weak enough and jobs scarce enough, that staying in school and avoiding interest on my loans makes more sense? Or, do I stick to my guns and let this autumn career keep its rightful place in my life?

I believe this trip to Spain is going to offer insight to my dilemma. I think being in a different culture might open my eyes to new options and directions for my life. Maybe I'll come back in two weeks and be most thankful for what I already have. I'm not unhappy with my life by any means; I'm just realizing that life is going to take me places I never planned or imagined. I can feel something new coming in my life. The ground is shaking a little and I feel the tremor, but now I'm waiting for the quake to strike. What that will be and what it will mean has yet to be determined. I guess until I know, I'll keep anticipating and guessing and thinking. That's good enough for now.

Good Morning

2009-05-16T06:35:00.001-07:00

Spending my Saturday morning above Downtown

Day In and Day Out

2009-05-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

This week has been one full of thought. A lot of pondering and evaluating and reevaluating and contemplating and deconstructing and .... it's only Tuesday. I've become a person who's opinions change daily. It's funny how a job ties your world together. It provides a steady schedule, a regulated income, a commitment, a reason to stay, a place to go, a sense of purpose - the list goes on.

While shopping in Trader Joe's today, as I scoured the pasta sauces for my selection, I overheard an older woman speaking to one of the store clerks. "You know why I'm upset? Because today is my first day not at my job after 30 years of working...." Why does our work define everything of who we are? This social disposition is not only inherited, but proudly passed down the generations like a precious family heirloom - that ugly figurine that no one, after 200 years of being in the family has the guts to throw against a wall. It sits there, antiquated, idle, useless in our homes.

Like our heirlooms, this vestige of human working culture continues to grow with each passing generation. With my generation, our twenties are no longer considered a time for "finding oneself," it's now expected to be the peak of your career. I wish someone would declare this ideology irrelevant. I wish someone would throw this tacky figurine against the damn wall. As the weeks pass and no commitment in a full-time job presents itself, I'm beginning to feel like I'm not supposed to have this constant in my life.

I run lists in my head all day - endless equations that lead to countless summations of my life. I don't think there has been, or ever will be, an easy answer in this area of my life (or any area really). I think I'm always going to be searching for the next big thing, the next experience that will define those preceding years of my life.

I get stuck in that endless train of thought we all hit now and again: What path should I take? Where should I be? Am I making the right decision? And then I think... why bother worrying about it. If there's one thing I've learned this year it's that worrying gets you nowhere. So what are my options?

Option 1: Full-Time Sell Out

Cash in my dreams temporarily and work a full-time job, not necessarily in the entertainment field. Full-time work means full-time pay means little financial worries now. I can pursue my dreams later.

Option 2: Freelance Twitch-fest

Continue to hustle and whore myself out to different production teams. Trust that if I continue to pay it forward then I'll find myself provided for at the end of the every month. This option allows me to also act and pursue this career, but the reality is that faith in this system still leaves me nervous.

Option 3: FML I'm a Waiter.... I mean "actor"

Settle into this stereotypical lifestyle that I, for some reason, cannot seem to wrap my head around. Work long hours at a job that offers little to the imagination so that I could pursue the dream of acting full-time.

Day to day, my mind evaluates and reevaluates these options. I think I'm further along then most people my age though as I know all the necessary ingredients for my life - I simply haven't quite figured out the recipe. I'll keep trying different combinations until I get this thing right. In the meanwhile, I can always preheat the oven. That should buy me some time. If not, there's always "Option 4" ...

23rd Birthday

2009-05-08T12:34:00.001-07:00

So, in an effort to feel caught up with this thing, here's a quick review of my 23rd Birthday!

Amazing food. Amazing friends.

Alex tells a good story.

The Odd Couple.

Lady R.

Rachel. Always classy.

Where'd you come from?

Well, if you insist!

I consider myself a very lucky person to be where I am at this point in my life. I've been living in LA a year now - which I can't believe - and I feel grounded and happy with my life. As I said before, my situation changes daily, but even in this uncertainty, there's a great sense of peace and happiness in having a home, a core of friends and a family that I can rely on.

Needless to say, my birthday reminded me that I have a great deal to be thankful for. I have a good feeling about 23.

Work Force Chameleon

2009-05-07T17:15:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the delay in entrees, but as of late, I have been wholly uninspired to write a single thing. I don't know why, but everything feels like a labor. Sitting down, constructing clever thoughts and thinking about any picture larger than today just doesn't seem possible. It's amazing how much my life changes on a daily basis. Now in my second month of "unemployment," I no longer consider myself unemployed.

First of all, I want to make it clear that although the last several entrees have revolved around my current occupational shortcomings, I by no mean intend to diminish the struggles of anyone else. I don't see my state as a unique one, nor do I think that my plight is heavier than the burden or anyone else in my situation.

That being said, I no longer consider myself unemployed. I have taken the the world of freelance. This world is populated by hustlers, climbers, jacks and janes of every trade and the veritable swiss-army of assistants. We're everywhere, pushing and clawing for the next gig. Waiting patiently until our next payload. Networking intricate webs of work-related connections that would make Charlotte jealous.

Is it steady? No.

Is is safe? No.

Does that make it even more gratifying to succeed in freelance? Yes.

I consider myself a pretty self-aware person. Knowing me, I'll look back on this time in my life when I have steady work and pay and I'll long for the rag tag days of yore. The thrill of the chase and the satisfaction in a job well-earned and a job well-done.

There's nothing quite like production. You find yourself in a new situation every single day. Each morning you wake up and don a new hat: The personal assistant, the artist, the casting director, the coordinator, the handler, the stylist, the right-hand man. It's a new challenge every turn and every challenge is met by a team of people devoted to a single goal. Your crew becomes your family: you help each other, you fight and bicker, you rely on each other and eventually you congratulate each other on a job well done (or - eventually - you laugh together at a job miserably failed).

This has become my life. I hustle for the next job - the next paycheck. I work 18 hour days so I can take weeks off at a time. I sit back and trust God that all of these things will fall into place and I'll be OK. As a matter of fact, I don't think there's any other way I could survive in this field - but to have faith.

On set

2009-04-27T01:21:00.001-07:00

I don't even know if they used this thing...

Sunrise on Capitol Records

2009-04-25T05:34:00.001-07:00

On set call time 4am.... The sun's coming up.

Summer comes before Spring

2009-04-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been incredible. The temperature has not dropped below 80 degrees, even at night. Growing up in New England, I've become accustomed to the seasons drastically changing - watching, as every few months the world around me reconstructs itself into this new entity.

When I moved to LA, I feared that the monotony of the "perfect, sunny" disposition would wear on me. I feared the urge to run away to a new place would come. I have a hard time staying in one place for too long and I worried that yet another static element - the "California stasis" - would throw me over the edge into this familiar state or restlessness.

Well, after being here a year, I realize that LA, too, has seasons. They are subtle, but they are there. Last night, I felt something familiar. I walked into the apartment, every window open, my roommate sitting in his rolled-pants, listening to something easy and melodic. We sat on the roof and shared a beer. Later, I walked around the neighborhood and took stock of my surroundings as the last light finally flickered out from the sky.

As we sat on my stoop, I realized that this feeling of contentment was based on a memory. For the first time since moving to LA, I was recalling memories from last summer. Everything about Los Angeles the past year has been about experiencing something new. My first trip here, my first trip there, my first Christmas in Los Angeles, my first drive to the desert; the list goes on. But, for the first time, I feel like I could recall something that was completely mine. I wasn't experiencing something through someone else's filter or mind's eye.

I'm getting ready for the long warm nights of summer. Those nights that never end. California dreaming indeed.

The best part about the advance of summer is that I don't have the urge to run away. I feel happy sitting on my stoop for another summer, watching the days pass by. It has been a struggle my whole life to feel secure and grounded in one place for an extended period of time.

Sure, everything isn't easy and simple and carefree, but that California monotony which I feared so much, has turned into one of the saving graces of my life here.

The (Emotional) State of the Union

2009-04-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

Here's another little ditty for you.

Where to start? This month has been a roller coaster to say the least. My patience and faith have been actively tested day in and day out. Again, I'm still unemployed and that lends itself to a lot of thinking. Thinking - I'll start there. All this emotional stuff that is boiling inside of me. When this whole period of unemployment began, I found myself waking up every few days in a cold sweat. Sure, it's nice to have time to yourself and time to do your own thing, but if you're not careful, you'll find yourself spiraling into an uncontrollable, emotional abyss filled with self-doubt, pity and anger.

I try to keep busy when I'm not applying for jobs, but I've found myself in said abyss a number of days. I've spent days thinking and thinking and thinking. I've become more self-involved. I've starting having diarrhea of the mouth. I've begun taking people for granted.

I've said this before - without the love and support of my my friends and family - I would be nowhere right now, and I have actively thanked those people this past month. Still, I'm realizing that I possess another side. A side that expects more from certain people. Generally the rule seems that the closer I am to someone - the more I expect them to hold me up. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but in some cases, I've forgotten that everyone has their own personal woes. I need to listen as much as I talk. I need to absorb as much as I expel. I need to give as much as I take.

To those people whom I've exhibited this behavior with, I'm sorry. In times like this, when we're in a constant state of heightened stress and emotion, it's important to step ourside your own world and see the people around you. If you isolate yourself and focus only on you, then you miss the solutions and the stress relievers and the laughter.

I fear that this emotional stress has taken a toll on some of my relationships. I found myself snapping at a caregiver, blowing off brother and yelling at a similarly distraught friend. And while most of the issues I decided to focus on with these people are valid and need to be dealt with, I chose an inopportune time and an invalid way of expressing my thoughts. For that I'm also sorry.

There's a deeply rooted lesson here about anger management and I think it involves a lot of breathing, a lot of self-awareness and in my case, an awful lot of prayer. In many ways, I've found successes through these hardships and, in other ways, I've lost a lot of my own emotional insight.

The State of the Union

2009-04-14T18:09:00.001-07:00

It's a been a beat since I've really sat down and given some thought to writing these past few weeks. I won't bombard you with a twenty page dissertation, although I feel i could write one; instead, I'll do a few smaller entrees to break it up (and make it look like I've written more this month).

I guess I'll start with the job hunt. Yes, I'm still unemployed, filling my days with online searches, phone calls and coffee breaks. Sometimes, it's a lot of fun, but mostly it's stressful. Stressful to the point of mental cloudiness and foreboding emotional forecasts. We'll get to that a little bit later.

I've been applying to numerous jobs a day and making calls to every person I know in the Greater Los Angeles Area in hopes of a new lead. There have been a few opportunities, but mostly I wait.

I consider myself a proactive person: I haven't slept past 9:30 on the weekdays, I've successfully secured unemployment benefits from the government and I apply everyday to at least three jobs. Some opportunities have come my way, but it's all a waiting game. Waiting for things to actually go through. Waiting for a green light. Hurrying up to wait. I've filled this time with new activities. I've been working out about everyday; hiking, yoga, pushups, pull ups, etc etc. I cook for myself now. I eat healthy. I think I'm in the best shape of my life.

In lieu of full-time work, I've also found a few day gigs, assisting directors, sitting desk, getting on music video shoots. I use plural, but I think I've actually done each of those once now. Let's not sugarcoat the situation. Still, between all of these different paychecks, I'm getting by. I've resigned myself to not panicking anymore. It does no good and more often than not, it makes things worse.

I'm working this coming Thursday, Friday, Monday and Tuesday sitting desk at my old job at HSI for one of the executive assistants. I'm excited to be out of my house and off my couch. I'll still be on my computer all day, juggling my situation and my bosses, but the change of scenery will be great. I'll be happy as a clam - or maybe more like an oyster. An oyster with a pearl. A pearl that the oyster pawns for money to pay his rent.

A huge positive about of this whole experience is that I'm beginning to dip my toes back into acting. Networking with other actors, sitting in on a master class and, yes, even auditioning. Randomly, I found myself signed up for two auditions this week. I won't describe the projects because I don't want to jinx them, but I'm excited to finally start this journey! Auditioning is a skill apart from acting. A skill which requires lots of practice. Practice which I haven't had much of the past year. I think, thought, that I'm ready to tackle the beast and this weekend will be the first of many, many auditions in my near future. This venture is it's own full-time job!

So, that's about it on the job front right now. I'm secretly hoping I'll be sitting desk this week and another job will open up, or some I'll get to talk to some producer that puts me on another gig. We'll see. This game is all about the hustle, who you know and lots of luck (or fate or divine intervention - however you wish to view it). And so, the waiting game continues. Patience truly is a virtue and it's a lesson I welcome. Sort of.

Easter 2009

2009-04-12T18:41:00.001-07:00

It's been a quiet few weeks for me, job hunting, getting a grasp on my social and emotional life, etc etc. This is the first Easter Sunday I've spent away from home and I thought I'd share some of the brighter side with you. I'll get into the heavy stuff tomorrow I think. I don't feel like thinking about it much right now. Hope your Easter was peaceful, spent with family and full of food! All the best to you and yours.

These are shots from my roommate's mother's apartment downtown. This pool deck is 17 stories up and pretty breathtaking, I must say. Spent the better part of the day here.

This majestic creature is her cat, Obin. I've lovingly dubbed him "Mr. Whiskers." He's pretty much the coolest cat in town.

Unemployment: Week 2

2009-03-31T11:53:00.000-07:00

A week has passed and another week moves on. Since we last spoke, I've had three interviews, worked on a video and lined up some assistant gigs. Other notables include being awarded unemployment by the state of California, having an SUV almost crash through the large window in my living room and hiking, a lot of hiking.

Remember that time I said that transitory part of my life (and this blog) had mostly come to an end? Maybe I spoke to soon, but I think it's more likely that I just misspoke. Transition is an ongoing, ever-evolving part of our daily lives. We are creatures designed to adapt - from one situation to the next, one job to the next, one relationship to the next - you get the picture. Just when you think you have figured everything out in your life, God or the universe or whatever you believe in throws you curve ball. It knocks you down and its up to you to pick up the pieces and regroup.

This new lifestyle has been very bittersweet. I love having all of this time to myself to get my administrative tasks done, to meet with friends, to be out in the sun. Conversely, I hate having all of this time to myself, to live in silence and thought, to worry about where my income is going to come from. Then again, it's given me time to think about better things, explore Los Angeles more and pray. Do you see where I am going with this?

Despite all of this pseudo-intellectual surmising and pontification (you like that?), I can say one thing with absolute certainty. I've been shown a great deal of support from my family and friends. For this I'm truly thankful. I've found energy and motivation in talking to my ongoing support system and in finding new ways to reconnect with my growing system out here. Never underestimate the power of showing someone you care. The smallest sign of understanding and concern can go a long, long way.

And for this, I thank you all!

Economy 101

2009-03-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

I've taken to the throngs of coffee shop callers and daytime dealers. I've been stripped of my posh office space and forced to do business from mobile wireless connections. That's right, I've be laid off. I've been assured that this is strictly a sign of the times, not personal and so on. The director who I assisted has apologized profusely over the phone, in person, sober, inebriated, backwards and forwards. The fact remains though, that I am jobless. I am like so many Californians (and Americans) trying to apply for unemployment, trying to reach out in every direction for help.

So what? Do I decry what millions have done before me? Am I ashamed of having my days to myself, to the sun, to the world around me? Well, actually, I kind of am. I actually think this is the first time I wish I was back at school. But, that stops now! This isn't personal and I'm a damned good worker. I went from intern to 2nd executive assistant to director's assistant - all the while working in freelance production, starting a new production company and getting my acting career started. I won't be forced to focus on the grave, but on what I have accomplished already.

Frankly, I do not have time to worry and have a pity party for myself. I acknowledge my circumstances, pick up the pieces and forge a new path. This isn't the first time I've had to do so and I'm sure it won't be the last.

So, as I sit in a coffee shop a few blocks from my apartment at 12:20 pm, listening to Beyonce over the loudspeakers, watching a dozen or so pair of hands feverishly type on their Macs and PCs, I'm pushing aside thoughts that will bring me down. There's no point to fret, because this simply is not in my hands. I will work my hardest to put one foot in front of the other. I will be proactive and use my support system to seek out new options. I will pray and trust that God has a bigger plan than I realize. This is the only option I have.

I already see a few glimmers of hope, catching the draft from a few doors that are starting to open. Change, again, has happened into my life and I'll welcome it to the best of my ability.

Uganda

2009-03-22T15:28:00.001-07:00

Watoto Children's Choir at Church

2009-03-22T15:17:00.001-07:00

Spring Cleaning

2009-03-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

This week has not been an easy one. I found myself in the emotional moors of years past. It's funny how easily you can find yourself churning the same thoughts you were so sure you outgrew. I'm finding that every state of mind we live in - no matter how distant or obscure or unwanted - each one leaves a footprint behind, a shadow, a desktop shortcut that only needs a double click to be brought back to life.

I've said this many times, but I pride myself in the fact that I am who I am not only because of my present, but because of my past. I do not run away from what I've left behind and I know that things happen for a reason. Well, I think I might need to really own up to my assertions.

Even the most removed emotions - that state-of-mind we never want to encounter again - they still exist within us. They don't disappear never to be seen again; instead, they leave a little imprint behind, more easily accessible then I'd like to pretend. Nevertheless, they are there for a reason. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, a cautious reminder of our mistakes, a friendly nudge to remember the ones we've lost, a quick smack on the back of our heads that screams, "What are you thinking?!" Whatever it may be, it exists. There's no use pretending it doesn't.

I found myself getting quite a few reminders, nudges and smacks this week. One after the other really - and I found myself sifting through my emotional closet, trying to reorganize some things, hide some things, make room for some new things. But what started out as frantic Spring cleaning (as today is the first day of Spring .... already?) ended in praise.

I'm realizing that this emotional recall is a blessing in disguise. It gives me layers and armor and pieces to my growing puzzle. These imprints, once identified, will be recognized forever. I won't have to worry about what's going on inside of me or why I feel this way - I'll already know because I've been here before. I'll be able to help others from my personal experiences.

It's important in all of this, however, not to get caught in the trap: "I'm here again? I haven't really grown at all!" It's easy to feel this way about your life from time to time, but its crucial to remember that a lesson has many points - and sometimes it's necessary to reread your notes to understand the full teaching.

This week has not been the easiest one, but I cry because I remember, I remember because I love, and I love because I grow. We are in a constant state of growth.

I can't figure out the words.

2009-03-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time constructing my thoughts.

I can't really say what I want to say.

I don't know what I should say.

I know exactly where I was a year ago today - down to the hour, minute, second.

I'm sorry for calling before you knew.

I miss you all.

I know we started something big.

I know there's a lot more jokes being told then tears being shed.

I know you're stronger than most.

I feel weaker sometimes.

I cry more.

I smile more.

I pray more.

You love more.

Your heart grows bigger.

The heavens get brighter.

The well dries up...

The water overflows.

I can't construct my sentences and manipulate my pen to tell you why.

I know there's a plan.

I know there's pain.

I know I'll be here and you'll be here.

I know he's there and I know He's there.

I know you know this.

I think that means we know enough.

I hope you're smiling.

Beads. Flowers. Freedom. Happiness.

2009-03-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

I've been having some serious nostalgia this past week. My first semester in college, I was fortunate enough to be part of the cast of musical HAIR. It was possibly my favorite theater experience, not just because of the show itself, but because of the bond, the friendships, the feeling I had when we all sang together with this unified voice. To this day, more than 3 years later, I'll still hear from my tribemates asking how I am, a "yip" here and there or just some simple words of encouragement.

This show was so important for me because it was the beginning of my time at Emerson and provided this huge support system in a new environment. Rehearsals weren't just singing and staging, it was communion with a group of people who embraced each other. There's this love that just doesn't die. HAIR is that sort of show. The issues are timeless, the message is timeless, the spirit is timeless. OK, I'm getting a little too deep. I guess I'm just sending out a little YIP YIP into the universe and hope my Tipaku Tribe hears it.

Sidenote: Two of my tribemates (Maya Sharpe and Briana Carlson-Goodman) are in Broadway Cast that is now showing. Check out the website HERE!

We starve - look

At one another

Short of breath

Walking proudly in out winter coats

Wearing smells from laboratories

Facing a dying nation

Of moving paper fantasy

Listening to the new told lies

With supreme visions of lonely tunes

...Let the sunshine in!

The Job of the Actor

2009-03-11T14:30:00.001-07:00

As I start/continue to pursue acting on a professional level, I have started reading old plays and curriculum from college. This week I picked up an amazing book from one of my acting classes "A Practical Handbook for the Actor" by Melissa Bruder and a list of others. The authors studied under David Mamet and and is full of clear ideas and explanations and is by far one of my favorite books on the subject. In the chapter for which entry is named, there was a passage that really stuck out to me:

"Acting requires common sense, bravery, and a lot of will: the common sense to translate whatever you are given into simple actable terms; the bravery to throw yourself in the action of the play despite hear of failure, self-consciousness, and a thousand other obstacles; and the will to adhere to your ideals. even though it might not be the easiest thing to do.

In our world, it is becoming harder and harder to communicate with each other simply and honestly, on a gut level. Yet we still go to the theatre to have a communion with the truth of our existence, and, ideally, we leave it knowing that that kind of communication is still possible...

The theatre may now be the only place in society where people can go to hear the truth."

I'll be posting more about this topic as I continue to dive further and further in, but I thought this was a great passage to get me started. It speaks to something beyond the art of acting - that our society is deprived of real communication. We sit at our desks with our AIM open having 10 conversations while our Gmail chat pings and our Facebook chat blips. All of this while updating a status for each in addition to our Twitter account.... from our Blackberry/iPhone... while driving.

I say this because I'm responsible for said communication cluster fuck (pardon the term). We've allowed ourselves to remove real interaction from our lives and replace it a watered-down version that requires little to no responsibility or reaction on our part.

Sorry. I digress. The passage also highlights the reason why I've always wanted to act. This idea of "communion" with reality is incredibly powerful. To have the ability to take however many people on a journey with you through the annals of the human psyche - to help them forget their own problems - to help them find a truth that they couldn't see before; and all of this simply from playing make believe. It's a wonderful gift. One that I am anxious and excited to pursue.

Addendum

2009-03-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

I just received a text from a friend regarding the last entry I wrote. Can I just say that nothing makes me happier with regards to this blog, than hearing that someone has been reading and, even better, that they have an opinion about what I wrote. So, for this reason, I keep writing.

The texts I received were very encouraging as the person explained how the entry hit them today right where they were in their emotional life. Probably the most striking response they had was saying, "I know! Part of me hates admitting to myself that I'm lost in a sense." What strong words and, still, so relevant to everything going on. I'll speak from personal experience that probably the hardest thing I've done in my life - being as prideful as I am - is admitting that I'm lost, that I need help, and that I've seriously messed up.

It seems to me that admitting this is when things become clear, and in a sense, the most confusing. Suddenly, you find yourself in a position to heal and learn and grow, but you have this internal struggle raging on inside you: Am I adequately equipped? Can I strong enough? Am I ready? What if I fail?

I think it's important to put all of this in perspective. The most important step in any journey is the first - the commitment to admission, to change, to grow. Whether this is in the areas of faith, family, your career or love - the first step is saying to yourself, "I'm ready." So, you admit to yourself that you were wrong or you ask someone for a helping hand. You say EVERYTHING you need to say, so you know you said it - and THEN you move forward.

I told my friend that the battles we wage aren't easy ones and it is hardest fighting alone. No man is an army and no man has the ability to absolve himself completely. We need to make active steps in our lives and, just as importantly, surround ourselves with like-minded people who will help us grow. And by like-minded, I don't mean ideological clones, but people who understand the value of the journey and can reinforce the steps necessary to grow.

Recently, I've been blessed a few of those people in my new life here. I've also been blessed with the reminder of a few good soldiers from my past.

Spiritual Cleansing?

2009-03-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

I've been taking classes at my church, Oasis, for the past few months and this week I started a new one: The Road to Freedom. The class essentially is an opportunity to examine the things in your life that take precedence over your relationship with God, isolate them and rid yourself of them. It's a three week class: Week 1 Introduction, Week 2 Action, Week 3 Follow Up.

I went into this class with a pretty open heart - although, truth be told, I've been struggling with my own demons lately. I've found myself questioning my motives for being at church or in class. I sometimes have this sinking feeling that I'm not worthy of being there or that I'm not good enough. I think everyone feels that at some point or another. Still, I know none of this is true, but as a Christian getting back into the swing of things, that a difficult feeling to push aside.

Anyway, so I went to class, not really knowing what to expect, but available to the concept. Half way through, I noticed how incredibly uncomfortable I was with what the leaders were talking about. The exercise they described really put me in a weird state of mind. I won't go into the details as I don't want anyone to be turned off to something of a similar nature just because of my opinions.

I left that night, deciding I wouldn't come back for this particular class. At the same time, I felt wrong for not adhering to these ideas. I felt that maybe this made me weaker and younger in my faith. I felt guilty that I had decided to "ignore God." So what does one do when they are in a heightened state of guilt? Call mom.

I explained the situation to my mother and before I can finish she says, "Oh this just doesn't sound right for you!!" I tried to explain to her that I felt like maybe because I was so uncomfortable, I should just suffer in silence and complete the course; that I might be silencing a great opportunity because a small discomfort. My mom explained to me (in that way all mothers can make everything seem crystal clear) that spiritual growth was not contingent on suffering. The church is led my human beings, not God Himself. There are many methods for many believers and there is no obligation on my part to participate in every form of spiritual reproof. "And besides, I don't think you're the type of person who would respond to a class like this. I just know you."

I was blessed with a mother who has an incredible intuition and she's right. I have had nothing but positive experiences at Oasis Church and this was the first thing I encountered that made me question the motives of its leaders. I realized that I didn't have to be discouraged about this. Everyone has a different way of worshipping and being close to God. There's no reason why I should feel inferior for not responding to one method.

Thanks for clearing that up mom.

Movie Magic

2009-03-06T10:45:00.000-08:00

I'm going to Palm Spring this weekend to scout and brainstorm for Movie Magic Media's next film. It's a horror film, feature-length, based in improvisation. That's about all I'll say of it now.

I'm excited to get going. Going with a few good friends to scout locations - a few houses, Joshua Tree, The Saltan Sea - see what speaks to our inner-horror aficionados. Let's be serious though, a little vacation is always nice. Palm Springs is always a good time. Even if we're working, we'll be by the pool or hiking or exploring these locations.

In addition to starting a new production, on March 17th, we'll be screening Door to Door at The Wilshire Screening Room. We've begun the festival submission process and have been accepted into one small one so far. All of these small victories keep adding up!

I'm proud of Movie Magic Media. There's so many ideas pumping through our budding company and we're pursing them. We're working creatively and making stuff happen. This has been hugely important for me the past year. To have a solid creative outlet and to be working for yourself is a great feeling.

I'm always thankful for these opportunities to work with my friends on something new and exciting. I guess that's all I really wanted to say!

"And oh my heart is smiling"

2009-03-04T14:28:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, I got an email from one of my closest friends and roommate from Emerson, Mahri. She had emailed a few people in our circle something she had written. It struck me so hard. She's an incredible author and musician. I find myself listening to her music often as she has this uncanny ability to speak to her audience in this universal way. She wrote:

"Feel like its time 'cause I've followed the signs for all my life,

And oh my heart is smiling

Need for my wish and my stars to align, 'cause in this life,

The heart grows tired of smiling

I'll never control my desires, we live for hunger

Till my last breath I will feel, only LOVE"

Each phrase speaks to a very different emotion. It seems to outline a journey.

First, that feeling that everything up to this point has primed you for what's next. You walk through the door happy and ready to accept it. Next, what if it isn't time? How can we be sure about what's coming next or what we're prepared for? Doesn't the old adage suggest that nothing can truly prepare you for life? Sometimes amidst all the understanding, you lose yourself. You grow frustrated as you analyze everything and try to itemize everything to the point of understanding nothing! Finally -and this is my favorite - she says that trying to comprehend and catagorize your life is pointless. Ultimately, our desires and needs will pull us, or motivate us, forward. We're on a journey purposefully, and sometimes blissfully ignorant, towards our own final goal.

Now, I'm sure I'll get a call from Mahri asking me about this interpretation, but I can't help it. That's what I see and, again, why I think Mahri's music and words are great. You can see yourself in what she writes. And that's what I'm saying.

Check out Mahri's stuff on her Myspace (also on the side navigation bar).

Untitled II

2009-03-02T22:39:00.000-08:00

Controlling desires, two feet inspired

One step towards what others teach

What holds us back, keeps us looking back

One temptation beyond our slightest reach

Is is worth the fight, worth the endless nights

One dream away from insanity

Should we keep it inside, maintain our pride

One sentence past a healthy plea

Still doubts remain, no end to claim

A novel unfinished on our shelf

Still, questions arise and questions deprive

Memories past and a future's wealth

But keep your feet firm and each step you'll earn

One more mile along your way

Makes it worth the hurt, a new rebirth

One more layer around us, here to stay

Weird

2009-03-01T23:03:00.001-08:00

1. Passed out all day on the beach. Got seriously burned. It was February.

2. Watched as a naked man stood on the cross of a church steeple next to my house. He proclaimed that he was ready to jump - he didn't believe in God or the institution of the Church. He went to the bathroom in his hand and smeared it on the cross. After 10 hours, he was finally coerced off the cross to the ground. He's safe. I went to church twice on Sunday.

3. Talked a little too much and realized my friends are pretty nice for listening to me all the time.

4. Made a long "To Do" list mentally all weekend - it involved bills and career moves.

5. Couldn't turn my brain off this weekend. Thought about too many scenarios. Made some valiant efforts. Made some realizations. Some made me angry - others surprised me. One of them is that I've become a person willing to be vulnerable. Another is that I'm a person who knows what he wants.

6. Decided to take some more things into my own hands.

7. Decide to relinquish control of some things.

8. Talked to my Four this weekend. It's official - we're adults. Our friendships have started over and it's going to take more effort than we originally thought to stay close. I miss you guys.

9. Hung out on my roof with my building-mates to tan. Had a Tecate, some Ruffles and a Slurpie - looked out over the roof's edge and stared at the snow-capped mountains behind Downtown sky line

10. I realized that I love Los Angeles and California.

Step One: Forget everything you just learned

2009-02-25T13:48:00.001-08:00

As I said before, I'm starting to look beyond this transitory period of my life, and focus my attention on the path in front of me. What steps will I be taking in order to succeed in what it is I want to do with my life. What is that exactly?

I told myself after college that I needed to stop being a "jack of all trades" sort of person and focus. Someone in the past few weeks said this in a conversation - I can't remember who, but it's so true: The really successful people in life are obsessed with what they do." There's an exception to every rule and many paths to the same destination, but as a whole, I think this assertion is pretty spot on.

I've spent much of my life trying everything to see what I liked (I learn from experience, remember?), but when I came to California, I told myself that I would be the obsessed person, the one who fights for a single dream. So, my first obsession was getting settled; finding a home, earning a living, etc.. And now, on to the dream part: I want to act. I always have and I've always known this. After three years of acting school and Emerson College, I felt somewhat in disarray. Here I was with this great education, great connections and a vast comprehension of the "work." I know that I am business-minded as well and that my ability to promote myself is pretty good Still, I felt the need to put it aside for a while and walk away.

Like a lot of things in my life, I think I needed to find it (acting) again on my own terms. Regain control of my passion and see it from my perspective, not the perspective of a school or career or other people. This has become a pattern in my life, starting the piano. A lot of people outside of middle school and my family don't know that I've played the piano since I was in kindergarten. I was classically trained, my parents saw this as my free ride to college and I was to be a concert pianist. The pressure became too much. The passion overshadowed by a necessity and goal. I walked away my sophomore year of high school. Four years later, I decided to take lessons again. I wanted to relearn and teach myself music and feel it again on my own terms. I wanted to understand, after all this life experience, what the composer felt and meant with their notations. I wanted to play for me and no one else. It's funny to think about what an exhibitionist I used to be with the piano and now, I can barely play for people. It's become a personal thing to me. Anyway, I digress.

You've read numerous entries like this regarding my faith, so I won't go into that again, but you get the correlation. Acting fell into the same file for a time. I needed to find my roots in LA; define myself, assert a strong foundation, rebuild my confidence. I needed all of this before I could ever think of stepping into an audition - they'd see right through my forced smile. During my trip to Boston, I met with one of my acting teachers who just sat across from me and enumerated on how I'd changed since the last time she saw me. She agreed that my efforts to settle before auditioning were well-placed. She also recounted my last performance at Emerson (The Philadelphia Story) and she affirmed my passion and my desire to press on.

Being back at school, seeing shows and talking to teachers and peers, I know the next step I need to take. I need to grab this by the horns and go. My life has settled into an easily recognizable pattern. The first step to moving forward for me is to forget everything I've learned, step away, get some perspective on the lessons in regard to my life and then dive in. I've taken this first step and now it's time to start running. I'm confused and a little bit scared, but, for some reason, I think that's a sign that I'm on the right path.

Morning Commute

2009-02-25T10:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes sitting in traffic can be a funny experience... Like now for instance.

In Retrospect: Boston to LA

2009-02-23T16:47:00.003-08:00

I just got home to LA from my vacation in Boston. This was the first time since graduating in May that I have returned. My four days in the city were full of reunions, cold weather and thinking. Per the usual, getting a fresh perspective on my life was an underlying priority. I'm finding now that leaving LA almost always becomes about obtaining a new vantage point. Where have I been? Where am I going? Just, keeping myself in check really.

For the most part, walking around Boston was refreshing, a welcome familiarity. There were times, however, when I felt displaced and apart from that life; like I was walking in the shadows or past an impression of my own experiences.

Walking through the snow in the Commons

Coffee at 1 Charles St. Starbucks

A pint at the Hill Tavern

Small, cozy apartments stuffed with books and used furniture.

Warped, wood floors curving around small hallways.

Gas lamp lined streets...

Beacon Hill

Beacon Hill always makes me feel good inside. No matter how rough my day might have been or what social drama had unfolded, there was something about returning to Beacon Hill and feeling safe. I never realized how isolated this part of Boston remains. Despite its acessibility numerous T lines and its location in the center of downtown; Beacon Hill feels remote and separate. It puts my mind at rest and feels safe. I never realized it before.

Other parts of the city made my head pulse; strange memories coursing through my brain. It wasn't any one particular memory, but a simple, distinct feeling of the past. Feeling nostalgic and feeling like you're in the past are two very different feelings. Nostalgia, is just that - but living in the past can be a scary feeling. I realized that the vast majority of Boston feels like the past to me. I found myself missing Los Angeles. At first this saddened me, that I couldn't remain present enough to enjoy my time off, but then I realized the significance of this longing.

I realized half way through my trip that I missed LA because I missed my home. I realized that my decision to stay in LA was the correct choice, that the comfort of this seemingly alien place had replaced the fear and longing of familiarity with a new semblance of happiness. I can miss and appreciate my home while enjoying my time apart from it. I can have both.

This is unbelievable considering the state of mind in which I started this journey. I began this blog to help chronicle my transition into adulthood. I came to Los Angeles with a scant amount friends, very little money, no family within thousands of miles of me and no home. As I enter the last quarter of my first year here, I realize that I have jumped every one of these hurdles. I've added volumes to my personal encyclopedia:

I have earned my stay here
and found a home
Scavenged and fought for my own necessities
and remained financially independent of my family
I weathered the post-graduation slump
but remembered how to laugh at myself
I found God
and remembered what it means to believe in myself
I have felt successful, unstoppable
and completely helpless
I know now what it means to love
and learned the value of loneliness
I have felt pure joy at the prospect of having it all
and total fear at the thought of losing everything

Life is this series of contradictions. Revelations happen in pairs. I'm thankful for this vacation and for my incessant need to get perspective. From Boston to LA, I feel like I'm coming to the end of this transitory period of my life for which the outset of this blog was meant. Now, it's about a series of steps; putting one foot in front of the other and always moving forward.

Boston is my memory, LA is my present and I'm feeling very prepared for whatever shape my future takes.

Beacon Hill

2009-02-23T16:47:00.001-08:00

Walking in the Hill with Ellen and Nick

Out of Here...

2009-02-22T18:09:00.001-08:00

Coming back to LA.

Bob Marley Concert

2009-02-19T18:55:00.001-08:00

Mahri at Berklee

Boston

2009-02-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

The view from Mahri's apartment... Gloomy but beautiful.

On the way to Boston!

2009-02-19T06:37:00.001-08:00

I'm on my way to Boston and just boarded my flight with Virgin America. There is smooth, ambient music playing and the cabin is illuminated by blacklights... Enough said.

Boston

2009-02-17T10:58:00.000-08:00

This Thursday I'll be taking a flight and returning to Boston for the first time since graduating last year. Another one of those "big picture" moments I suppose. I'm excited about getting out of LA for a little bit and getting one more taste of winter before the season is over. I can't wait to see Mahri and all my friends from the area. I'm also excited to be in the Emerson environment again - not because I miss being in school by any means, but because it's a chance to look at where I came from in relation to now.

Very similarly to my trip back home in December, I have the opportunity to explore these roots and keep my journey in mind. I had this banner from a high school crew meet that said in bold letters: "The Journey is the Reward." I hung it in every room I lived in for 5 years and I'm big time believer in this idea. Having the chance to stand back, take inventory and recognize the steps I've taken this past year is a wonderful thing.

This is also my first vacation that I bought and paid for with my own money. I think that's pretty exciting too. We'll see how this all goes! First thing Wednesday morning, I'm out of here.

When will sleep come?

2009-02-11T00:37:00.000-08:00

Think think think think think.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I hate that feeling. My mind has been in a funk/reeling all day. I learned that yesterday, or possibly this morning, a friend from my high school passed away. I wasn't particularly close with him anymore, but I did theater with him and we were in shows together. We hung out in this capacity. Since then, he went on to school at NYU and lived in NY pursing acting.

When I heard the news, my mind immediately went into a tailspin. I couldn't really think clearly. I still can't really get this out of my head. It all hits a little too close to home. The idea that in an instant my life could be over. You think to yourself: am I living the way I'd want to be remembered? Am I doing what I was meant to do right this minute? What would people say about me?

I can't really help but think all of this. I can't help but be thankful for the time I've had up to this point and the direction my life is going now. I can't really help but be sad and upset - regardless of the degrees of separation - this person was a peer of mine; a person in the same field as I. We came from the same town and wanted to pursue the same things.

I know this has nothing to do really with me, but I can't help that my mind has been ceaselessly wandering all day. It hasn't really stopped. I can't sleep.

"It's the ciiiiircle of Life"

2009-02-09T12:18:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that in the past few weeks, a number of friends have confronted me about life after graduation and/or the transition into adulthood. I find this comforting and I'll tell you why. It's not necessarily that after nearly a year of adult life, I feel better equipped than said friends or that I could impart some grand knowledge that would protect them from the superfunk that inevitably follows graduation. No, on the contrary, I think it's because during a month where growth has been very hard to see in my own life, it's an incredible feeling to realize that I'm still here, struggling away.

A good friend once told me: "Mark, relax. Slowdown." OK, actually, every friend I've ever had has said that to me, as well as, every adult, family member, clergyman, doctor, crossing guard, passerby, dog .... you get the point. I wouldn't quite say that I've rushed through life, but I have been extremely proactive. School was never really my cup of tea - eight grade was probably my favorite year - and after that it just turns into a game and full of ups and downs and implications, etc. In the end, I graduated college a year early and I maintain that this was the best decision I could have made regarding my college and future career. There's a number of reasons for that, but I'll stay on topic.

On a larger scale, I'm realizing the steps that my peer group has taken these past months. Employed or not, in a relationship or not, all together or falling apart - we're HERE. We aren't giving up and running home. We're fighting and struggling and hurting, and you know what? That's an incredible thing. Hardship makes success that much more enjoyable. Now, the next group is graduating and moving on and looking for advice on the hump. We're seasoned fighters ready to add to our numbers!

On a personal scale, I've managed the superfunk. Is it still a struggle at times? Of course! That's just a part of life, but in the grand scheme of things, I've successfully seen my way through the hardest transitory period in my life (so far). And truth be told, I don't feel like the same, frazzled, worried, flighty period that I was a year ago. I understand the value of my work, the value of my faith, and the value of my relationships. This year has presented many obstacles, blessings and lessons learned. I keep thinking about where I was a year ago today and how vastly different my life is now. I'm at a significant turning point in my life. That is, I now find myself looking back and reflecting instead of obsessing with a future I ultimately can't control right now.

It's funny. This period of your life is everything everyone tell you it is - and at the same time - nothing that you could possibly expect.

Untitled

2009-02-08T03:13:00.000-08:00

I want to travel the world
Lose myself in a cafe
Buried under a pile of unread novels and stale coffee
I want to leave here and have no schedule
No job, be poor. Struggle.
Learn and live only through demonstration

I want to travel alone
Fend for myself, buy bread for myself, drink wine for myself
I want to lose myself in the countryside
Buried under a pile of blank pages, waiting to be filled
I want to flee here, and free my mind
Give in to endless thought and contemplation

I want to travel with you
Lie by ourselves, drink wine by ourselves
I want to see the world through your eyes
And lose myself in endless conversations
Buried under a pile of scribbled notations
Fill books with new thoughts, our endless imagination

Our world exists, protected under cover
Our knowledge bound to one, freed by another

A Fond, Summer Memory

2009-02-04T15:18:00.000-08:00

Yes , I know this is frivolous and stupid. But I found this video and posted it on Youtube.com. This was taken during a road trip to San Fransisco with one of my best friends from college, Natalie. I'm sure she'll kill me for posting it. Oh well.

This was one of many ideas we have for a web series. I hope we actually commit to one some day.

Why do I care????

2009-02-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

So every now and then, a chain letter/note makes it's way around Facebook, but I never pay attention. This one, however, has actually been really interesting to see on everyone's page. I did one also. Get over it. Most of these (like in my case) have been done out of boredom at work, etc.. If you can allow yourself to relax and get over your pretentious reservations - then, please, enjoy.

25 Random Things About Me (Wah wahh)

1. I played in little league growing up from tee-ball to pitching machine. I only ever made to hits.

2. The most important things in my life are as follows: Family, Friends, Food.

3. When I was 9, I went to Australia, sang in the Sydney Opera House and climbed Ayers Rock.

4. When I was 10, I went to South Africa, played with children in Swahili towns and went on a safari in Krueger National Park.

5. At the age of 22, I wish I had the balls to leave my live and travel for a year by myself.

6. I secretly think that people who "have no regrets" are lying.

7. I had my first kiss when I was in Kindergarten. Katie and I hid behind a tree as everyone ran inside at the end of recess. When everyone was gone we kissed. We came into the classroom late, covered in mud. We never got in trouble.

8. I think it's OK to have more than one best friend. I have one from nursery school, one from grade school, two from middle school and 3 from college. I still talk to all of them and regard them as my closest friends.

9. The best way to win me over is to feed me.

10. I went on a mission trip with my church sophomore year of high school and the guys that I was with thought it would be a good prank for someone to poop in a bag and put it under my pillow. I didn't notice until someone came over and lifted the pillow (hours later). I threw the crap at the. I now think this WAS an excellent prank.

11. The first song I sang at a voice recital was "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic.

12. I openly called out my high school drama teacher for playing favorites and being underhanded and mean to me on purpose. I gave her 3 solid examples of her behavior and she was speechless. I got to walk away with the last word - it was one of most satisfying moments of my life.

13. My last apartment in Boston had a beautiful sky light above the shower as the ceiling. I always kinda wanted to catch someone looking in on me.

14. My gay friends would be angry to know that I still do not like Madonna ... not like that.

15. I can denote the beginning of my adult life to the day of my best friend's father's funeral. When it happened, the four of us came from all over the country to be there. It was then that we realized that this friendship was bigger than ourselves; that we would be friends our entire lives.

16. My father is my only hero in this world.

17. In high school, two of my closet friends and I would tell our parents we were all sleeping at each others' houses. Instead, we would sneak pillows and blankets out of my house and pile into my Ford Taurus wagon. We would drive around all night, sleep in the church parking lot and go to Valley Forge Park to watch the sunrise. (the police only caught us once)

18. I always fight for friendships. I never write anyone off.

19. I've never felt more lonely then when I moved to LA. That feeling is passing.

20. I hated to read growing up. I didn't have the attention span for it, so throughout high school (AP/Honors) and college I didn't read 95% of my assignments (I read most of the plays). Instead, I spent time finding cliff notes and short cuts. I mastered how to manipulate the system. Unfortunately, I'm kinda proud of that anyway.

21. There have been two times in my life when I thought I knew the person I would marry.

22. I've played the piano since I was in kindergarten, but I stopped for 4 years because my parents wanted me to be a concert musician.

23. My brother (Jesse) and sister (Dani) and I stayed in one day as kids to record an album. We wrote one song and photographed the cover art. I think our band name was "Together As One" or something like that. I miss the days when we were each others' only friends.

24. At the age of 22, I'm just beginning to feel OK about spending time by myself.

25. I am a Christian and I believe in God and his Son. I am also very flawed.

Blood

2009-02-02T00:34:00.001-08:00

"Please let the blood we had stay pure."
Although we part and love no more.

You said, "In you, I'll seek my growth"
In you, I saw a larger hope.

But time stops. Decisions hard.
Blood clots and leaves our bodies scarred.

No pressure or pulse or coursing veins
Where arms embraced, I now feel strains.

These crimson rivers still bring life
Purifies and settles strife.

Time resumes and thoughts unmask
Our blood is pure. My heart's relaxed.

What little sense presented itself
Our memories still frozen on my shelf.

An understanding, now so clear.
Our blood is pure. So, have no fear.

Our blood brought us from childhood
Made bodies strong and pain withstood

It fed our brains with philosophies
Made real our impossibilities

This blood transports with it disease
And ages our bodies without reprieve

Growth gives way to change and death
Time stops no more and stales our breath

But, blood feeds cells that fuel our brain
Memories in time forever remain

If time heals all, blood clots the wounds
Air fills the lungs and laughs resume

So, our blood is pure. Our bodies strong.
Growth fuels new blood and friendship long.

So, our blood is pure. Life starts anew
This friendship will always stay with you.

Notes: Relationships

2009-01-30T11:44:00.001-08:00

For the past month I have been taking a class at my church, Oasis in LA. I love this place partly I can literally walk there from apartment. There's an amazing sense of community, which has been a crucial part of my transition and establishing some solid roots. The church itself has an energy that I haven't experienced in a long time. There are solid leaders, volunteers, parishioners - you get the point.

Anyways, this week at class, the topic was "Why are relationships so healing?"

Cricket.... needless to say, this touchy choice of topics was something that I needed to hear and I thought I might pass along my class notes. Don't let the teacher catch you cheating.

-------------------------------------------------------

Why are relationships so hearing?

Healthy human development is based off of two things: Nourishment and Protection
Relationships provide us with both.

"Healthy development" is described by two key traits: Maturity and Security

Someone who is mature is someone who demonstrates self-control despite their feelings; it's someone who does NOT live by impulses; it's someone who is NOT self-absorbed and self-involved
Someone who is secure is someone who is NOT driven constantly to prove something; is someone who does NOT look for approval or prove that they need to be valued and loved; is someone who does NOT covet or compete with others.

Relationships...

Starve you and break you
Feed you and heal you

Love is a verb... it's something you do NOT something you feel. You honor those you love with your actions.

Question: What do relationships provide?
Answer: The definition of love:

Acceptance: we need to get the green light from God, as well as, our loved ones in order to be public with ours lives, because our actions/life affects them directly. We all struggle - we need to understand that about one another. Put your struggles into the perspective of others'.
Accountability: "I love you enough to be concerned about your life... I'm concerned because it matters to me and it affects others."
Affirmation: Knowing you matter to other people. To know that someone will act on your behalf. To know that someone grieves when you grieve and rejoices when you rejoice.

Balance in our relational life comes when we balance our source, supplements and service:

First and foremost, look to God as our source for nourishment and protection
Balance the people we NEED (supplements)...
...with the people who NEED US (service)

*Burn your expectations of others and look to God as the course of security and nourishment. This will lead us to healthy, developed relationships.

-------------------------------------------------------

Good, right? I thought so. It went a little further into what a relationship with God means, but I thought this excerpt was a little more universal for now. I think what I took away the most was realizing that God desires for us to have healthy relationships, but that does NOT mean they will come easily. Also, examining what healthy human development means and how this relates to our need to love and be loved. Finally - that we should put our struggles in the perspective of others'.

Alright, that's enough for right now. Have a great weekend!

Going Home

2009-01-27T11:38:00.000-08:00

The following clip is a trailer for the upcoming documentary GOING HOME directed by two friends from Emerson College, Mikyung Kim and Jason Hoffmann.

"21 year-old Korean adoptee, Jason Hoffmann, was raised Jewish in New York City. This documentary about family, love, and bloodlines exposes the challenges and triumphs of locating Jason's roots and birth family in Korea."

I was fortunate enough to see the full documentary last spring and needless to say it was as heart-wrenching as it was uplifting. I think the lesson Jason exemplifies throughout his journey is one that everyone can relate to in their own way. From the very outset of our lives, we are taught and told to construct a world in which we can survive as individuals. There comes a time during this journey when our foundation is tested. After high school, college, moving into the real world, you begin to wonder what the word "home" really means. What defines "family" and to what or whom do you associate yourself.

Jason takes a huge risk at going to core of this question. He unearths and dissects things that most people wouldn't even have the courage to glance at. I encourage anyone who sees this to share the link and spread the word. I think ThirdCat Productions did an amazing job here and tells a story that is both wholly unique and strangely universal.

Here's the link to the official website (and better quality video): http://www.goinghomethemovie.com/

GOING HOME is currently in post-production and being submitted to several festivals around the world.

Jeff in Philadelphia

2009-01-23T11:49:00.000-08:00

I was just cruising the Facebook and I came across some new photos that my best friend, Jeff took. I though I'd share them. Enjoy!

Keep on keepin' on, Jeff.

What a trip!

2009-01-23T10:48:00.000-08:00

I will provide no explanation for the following term and its attached rules:

THE WANT LIST

1. Everyone has a Want List
2. It's OK that you have one
3. Want Lists always change
4. It's OK that they change
5. Needs are not wants and wants are not needs
6. It's OK if your Want List is different in the future - people will understand

*Because life is just a series of choices - and choices are determined by the Want List*

December 11, 2007

2009-01-20T23:26:00.000-08:00

I recently came across an old journal that my Boston roommate, Mahri gave me for my 21st birthday. The first entry I wrote (6 months later) was pretty heavy. Reading it now, I realize that I sometimes I feel like I'm in the same place. As the entry continues, I know that I've grown so much and that I'm still growing. It's a little melodramatic ... but I think the sentiments are extremely relevant to my life now. Rather than over explain it, I'll just get to it:

I just looked at myself in the mirror for the first time. I resisted for a while - but I looked. I searched my own face. Do I see the face of God or someone who I utterly lost?

"What's going on inside there?"

I am ... a murderer, a lover, a pornographer, a sinner, a man, a man, a wanderer, an explorer, a peace-keeper, a musician, a singer, a waiter, a butler, a mask-maker, a rock, a foundation, a house, a shack, a monster, a pest, a conqueror, a soldier, a believer, a friend, a lover, a child, a boy, I am strong.

In the search for what is, was, what could be and what will never be - I am lost. For the past few months - most notably, since summer - I have felt like I was on the brink of a realization... of coming to peace with myself. I've never felt so grounded in the truth of myself. Surprise! That didn't last (in its original form anyway). No kidding. In retrospect, this semester has pushed me to my limits - how far could I take myself? Overextended, overanxious, overambitious, overjoyed:

I am everything and nothing
I am not night or day
I am not whole or in pieces
I have a foundation
The more I give up control, the more I'm given!
The harder I grasp, the more things slip through my fingers

I will drive away from Boston in a week and a day and feel accomplished. At least I hope so. I hope I find relief and release and - something. The sermon at church this week was about faith and split into three parts: expectation, disillusionment, hope.

As Christians (and HUMANS) we wake up and hope for the unexpected to remove this sense of disillusion. As one of the three teachers that day put it: "We close our eyes at night hoping to wake up and something will have changed. That this nightmare will be over." When she said this, I nearly lost it. Moments before, I thought to myself: "I wish I wasn't who I was now. I want to be Mark from three years ago, before school." I wish and hope God will miraculously change me. That's unrealistic. If I want to change, I need to actively seek it and want it, and I can't wish for no pain or confusion and inner peace- all of this is earned. I know - I'm earning this now.

I'm earning this new identity. God is apart of my identity, but to what capacity? This semester, I have actively sought out church more and returned more to that sense of weekly renewal and forcing myself to be helpless and not in control. Try it. Next time I read this - NO MATTER WHAT you are struggling to control - I dare you to let go and put it in God's hands. No matter what.

So I read this, and I thought to myself, "Wow, how relevant!" (Given, I don't feel like a shell of a human, or nearly as lost as I was then) For all intensive purposes, I'm pretty damn proud of how I was able to assemble my life here. Still, a lot of the lessons I was frantically trying to pen at the time still ring true! I'm not going to wake up one day and have things fall into place. I can't try to control every aspect of my life. I am everything on that list ... probably more.

I think the long and the short of this lesson is simple: Get out of my head and away from the pen and paper, stop talking ... and just do. Ride the wave and relax. Stay proactive and trust that things will work out as they should.

OK, it's been getting too real lately. So for shits: here's a picture of my parents' dog, Maximus.

Night all.

Wait I Forgot: VEGAS

2009-01-18T20:14:00.000-08:00

So, surprisingly enough, some of you (which implies that more people read this thing then I realized) have been asking me why I posted that I had a "vegas adventure with a stranger" in haste, but never followed up with the actual story. Here's what happened.

As you all know, I was anticipating my trip home a great deal. It was just my luck that I could only book some crappy connecting flight to and from LAX to PHL. Needless to say, the actual trip didn't look too appealing, but I took care to make it go as smoothly as possible. I don't believe I've ever been more prepared to fly in my life. I packed all of my toiletries in the appropriately size containers with the little baggies; I rolled and organized all of my clothing carefully and fit everything into a single duffel; and I slipped on a small backpack to hold a few miscellaneous items. I was set.

To my dismay, I kept hearing rumors of delayed flights due to inclimate weather up and down the Eastern seaboard. Contrasting accounts spouted over the loudspeakers and finally, I heard the voice of reason. A few yards ahead of my I heard the raised voiced of young woman. Similarly, she was a young professional, a few tattoos, nose-ring and a beanie matching my own. As the words left her mouth, my heart sank: "We're delayed 6 hours in Vegas on the way to Philly?! Are you kidding?" Her candor to the unsuspecting stranger immediately revealed her Philly heritage (we have just a genteel way with words). Being the guy that I am, that is, someone who loves to complain. I jumped up, grabbed my things and rang to join her lament. After a few choice words with the inept attendant (who originally assured myself that there would be zero delays) we sunk onto the floor together and introduced ourselves.

Heather and I quickly bounded over our home city, our new jobs in the "industry" and our matching beanies. I told her that I'd never been to Vegas - but I wasn't looking forward to 6 extra hours in an airport. Her face went blank: "You've never been to Vegas!? Well ... then we'll go. It's settled." I looked at her confused, but she assured me that she would take care of everything. So we finally boarded our first flight home - also a few hours behind - and I sat in my very small seat and pondered if following a stranger into the City of Sin was such a good idea. After the quick flight, I hung out in the tarmac with my duffle in tow and waited, fidgeting, looking for Heather to come off of the plane. Finally she arrived and with a smile we were off.

We hopped in a taxi and made friends with the driver. In the short drive from the airport to the strip he suggested we drop our bags with his friend at Treasure Island - "he'll take care of you." I guess this weekend was about trusting humanity, because we entrusted out bags to the stranger as I ran off with another stranger.

Our first stop was the liquor store, then - pony bottles of wine in tow - we headed out for adventure. In the Fashion Pavilion snow lightly fell as Santa and his sexy helpers sang and danced down a huge runway in the center atrium. Heather and I could only laugh at the stereotype Vegas provided. We let, offering cheers and wine to one another as we walked past the lavish buildings. Next, we hit up the Casino at the incredible Wynn Hotel. I then proceeded to gamble for the first time. After a round of (free) drinks and a few slot machines, I sat at one of the black jack tables and bought in. I lost immediately; although the dealer told me I handled the hand exactly I should have. We spent the rest of our day stumbling around the hotel, running into wedding parties, hanging on in the indoor foliage and staring into the city lights.

Finally, as our final flight drew near, we scrambled back to Treasure Island and picked up our bags from our shady friend. A quick tip and wink and we were off to the airport. Luckily, you're allowed to drink in the airport to relieve stress - bc we definitely were stress free at that point. After a healthy dinner from Burger King, we boarded the plane. I promptly passed out and let the stupor close my eyes. About have way through the flight I awoke with a thirst so strong a camel would be proud. Here's the kicker, drinks all cost money on flights now. Needless to say, the airplane tap water tasted quite delicious.

And there you have it, my random adventure with a random stranger. It was quite the way to start my vacation. It's moments like these that make life worth living - taking things as they come and riding the wave. Thanks for my first trip to Vegas Heather! It was definitely one for the books.

Lesson Four: The Self

2009-01-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

Perspective. Blah blah blah.

Of course, I categorize, itemize, organize every part of my life. Every trip has a reason. Every mistake has a lesson. Every experience fits neatly into one of the files in my mental cabinet. That's not a bad thing. In fact, I think it's a good thing; however, it's dangerous because sometimes I over-categorize my life. "Finding perspective" was this trip's label. I made that decision as I planned the two weeks abroad and it stuck. Indeed, I did seek perspective; I craved it and needed it. Did I find it. Oh, yes.

"The Self" is a tricky topic; it's a tricky concept to wrap my head around. Many people regard "selflessness" and "selfishness" at the polar ends of the moral spectrum; however, I believe that these two need to be both present and active for there to be balance in one's life. I realized that true selflessness is a hallmark of love when regarding others, but can be detrimental when regarding yourself. If you give all of yourself away, you'll find that it's lost, indefinable, vapid. Subsequently, selfishness alone is not admirable, but in turn balances out the selflessness we try to exhibit. When one or the other is out of balance, I often find myself in a state of disarray.

I realized a lot about myself this past trip. I realized the power of the mind; what parts I can control and the others that I can't. I realized how quickly my mind processes the world around me and turns over on itself. I realized that for so long, I've been ceaselessly trying to construct a new physical world for myself (new city, new apartment, new job). In focusing intently on this, I haven't taken the time to check my emotional life. Both, I realize, are equally important (maybe even the latter more so than the former). I've put so much emphasis in finding myself and knowing what I am that I sometimes lost sight of the bigger picture. My life is a process of self-discovery; a process which should be self-involved.

I want to qualify that statement by stating that I learned long ago that it is not ok to discover who you are at the expense of someone else's emotional well-being. This is where that balance must be struck. Over the past several years, I've obtained the perspective to know where to draw that line. To know where selfishness and selflessness begin to look like each other is to know when to step back alone, and look at the bigger picture.

So, what does it take to find yourself? I don't think that's an answer I could have found in one trip (or two or three for that matter). I heard something interesting in church this week: so often when we search for answers in our lives, we expect that one day we'll wake up and God will have magically zapped our problems away - we'll have reached our spiritual and emotional nirvana. Life simply doesn't work that way (in the spiritual or secular sense). We should expect a pivotal change to happen. Maybe we overcome an obstacle - or, if you believe, God removes an obstacle blocking our way; but, from then on it's our job to grow. Life is about process as well as product. One cannot exist without the other and we should not expect our problems to disappear one day and we walk away never to look back. Sorry, but it's the truth.

In short, finding perspective is an ongoing process. It never ends. And in the pursuit of understanding it's important to be a little bit selfish; to step back, stand alone and think for yourself. Sometimes being selfish is the more painful choice in life; to step away from the people who define you, cultivate you, make you a better person even - to step away from them and look at yourself as a single entity. Only when you can identify yourself, will you be able to step back and look at the bigger picture.

My final point - this task is only complete when our mind has convinced itself that these things are so. No one can do that for us. There is no magic phrase that will heal our wounds and grant us wisdom. That's sought elsewhere - but that's a different rant for a different time.

Lesson Three: Music

2009-01-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

Between all of the visits with family and friends, the eating and drinking and reminiscing there wasn't always as much time as I would have liked to be by myself. As my trip began winding down and I had to start thinking about packing and a new list of tasks, I sat in the car. Just sitting, listening to music. Jason Mraz - of whom I a big fan - "The Boy's Gone" came on my ipod. This introspective ballad from his first album, Waiting for My Rocket To Come, pierced my state of thinking.

I really listened to these lyrics and I felt like this song was about me. Going back to Los Angeles has been very bittersweet and this song outlined that emotional process. The more I'm here, the more this song becomes appropriate. The more it becomes painful. The more it becomes hopeful.

The boy has gone home.

The boy's gone. The boy's gone home.
The boy's gone. The boy's gone home.

What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And what will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by god I know it's headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy's going home.
The boy's gone home.

And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum up the phrase for all left standing around in it

Well I suppose we'll all make our judgement calls
We'll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall
So we better be happy now that we'll all go home.
That we'll all go home.

Be so happy with the way you are
Just be happy that you made it this far
Go on be happy now.
Please be happy now.

Because you say that this, this is something else (alright)
I say that this, this is something else (well alright)
I say that this, oh, this is something, this is something else
Oo thi-thi-thi-thi-this is all, thi-thi-thi-thi-this is yeah,
thi-thi thi-thi-thi-this is all something else

Well I tried to live my life and lived it so well
But when it's all over is it heaven or is it hell
So I better be happy now that no one can tell, nobody knows
I'm gonna be happy with the way that I am
I'm gonna be happy with all that I stand for
I'm gonna be happy now because the boy's going home.

The boy's gone home.

Yeah the boy's gone home.
Yeah the boy's gone home.
Yeah the boy's gone home.

Lesson Two: Family

2009-01-05T12:10:00.000-08:00

I realized this break that my family is getting older. My brother turned 21 this week. He’s the last of the kids. I watched carefully this last two weeks as our family dynamic continued to shape and morph into something completely new. I’m constantly reminded of this by my mom and dad.

“Now, every time you come home, I’ll look a little bit older.”

My mother insists on the reminders of the frailty of life, mostly because of her Christian beliefs – that this world will pass away and all will be left is us with God. The reminders were a little sharper this time around. My sister and I would talk about our jobs, home life, etc. We worried about the future of our nuclear family – where were all going to end up? When would we see each other? Was Jesse’s 21^st birthday the signal to the end of an era.

Again and again, I watched as things were redefined – the holidays, family dinners, the effect of these on each of our emotional lives (all vastly different). Things seem more complicated. Christmas isn’t just a question of what gift will I receive. Now it’s about the people, the baggage, the stress, the spending money. I found myself in a perpetually stressed state as Christmas came closer and closer. I didn’t expect to feel this way. My mom insisted that’s how the holidays were the older you got. It wasn't until I sat down under the tree to exchange gifts that I breathed and indulged in the traditions.

For many people this time of the year is lonely, uncertain, a constant reminder of everything we’ve lost. I’m fortuante enough that this is not the case for my family. Through all of the stress and the perplexity about our evolving dynamic, I saw how strong my family remains. Yes, we're changing, but we're always growing, building new relationships that will carry us into the better part of our lives.

Lesson One: Time

2009-01-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

Lesson One: Time

The moment I stepped off of the plane, I realized that time exists without any consideration to the humans that inhabit and exploit it’s unit of measure. Everything was different; the ambient light was orange and low, the highways were stopped because of the snow and ice, my house was colder than I remembered it. I tried my best to stay awake next to my dad as he drove towards our home in King of Prussia; looking through the icy precipitation into the tree line, searching shadows for familiar shapes and places.

The moment I stepped off of the plane, I realized that time doesn’t exist. Everything was the same, familiar, comfortable, small. I greeted my dog, Max and ran to my parents room. My mother was asleep – no shock there. I sat down next to here and everything was the same. My dad sat down as my mother flicked a light on. She looked the same.

I have spent the past 7 months constructing a new life for myself – separate, apart, away from everything I grew up with. I didn’t realize that time was passing in other parts of the world. I have this thing whenever I leave a place that I know I won’t return for a while and/or at all; I walk around the space and take a mental picture of my surroundings. Life ceases to move forward at that time. Every conversation, every email, text, phone call exists mentally inside of this mental picture.

All of this is to say that my pursuit of perspective revealed the power of time. It never stops. It’s the one force in existence that cannot be bent or obstructed by the human hand alone. We are powerless to stop it. We live a life of benchmarks until we graduate college – our lives seem endless, moving from one step to the other. Suddenly, I’m a rock in this river of time; apart from other rocks, affected individually by the rushing laps of water, but part of the rock bed. There comes a point when the water strengthens, the river floods and you’re lifted from the bed. Suddenly, under the pressure of the waves, you’ve discovered you’re a different shape, texture, weight – a completely different rock.

I’ve been lifted: removed, resurfaced, replanted. The really unbelievable thing is that this process immediately begins again after you land. Now, I’m surrounded by new waves and tides. This will always be the same, I will always be different.

It's been quite a trip...

2009-01-03T19:26:00.000-08:00

Well, two weeks later and I’m back in Los Angeles. Last we left off, I was heading back to Philadelphia for a number of reasons. The holidays, to see family, to see friends, to gather some perspective on my life. As you know, this was my first trip back to my parents’ since graduating and moving to LA seven months ago.

This was probably the least relaxing, most over-stimulating trip I’ve ever been on; and I only say that with love. What I mean is that there was very little down time. I have been running from place to place since I touched down on January 20. Trips like this are all about catching up and seeing every group you’ve ever been associated with. I was fortunate to visit every era of my life. Wow, I just realized that. I spent time with my best group of friends from grade/middle school. I reconnected with my crew-mates from high school and I bussed to New York for New Years to visit with my college life. I also made new friends in NY and partied in Vegas with one amazing stranger on a rather epic layover. All the while seeing a few friends that have been there through all of these periods of my life with me.

Needless to say, this trip has been an education all is own. To that effect, the proceeding entries will examine a few of the subjects that I studied over the past two weeks.

Viva Las Vegas .... Airport.

2008-12-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

Wah wah. Actually.... I'm here for six hours. Goin going to the strip!

Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey

2008-12-20T12:45:00.000-08:00

It's been seven months since my last flight. My destination was anew home in Los Angeles. All of my flights are delayed ... It's good to go back.

Ho Ho Ho

2008-12-15T12:50:00.001-08:00

There was fake snow ... all I'm sayin'...

Email

2008-12-15T12:43:00.000-08:00

Hey All!

I promised myself that after graduating college, I would keep in touch with the people that made a difference in my life up to this point. I penned this list on the plane to Los Angeles 7 months ago. A lot has happened since graduating Emerson College in May. Some things haven't changed much. I wanted to take this chance to first and foremost say thank you for everything you taught me and the skills you pushed me to acquire. It sounds contrived, but really, I wouldn't be where I am now without your guidance and help!

I went into Emerson College as an Acting BFA and rather than re-auditioning at the end of my second year for the studio, I decided that I would switch to the BA program and graduate a year early. So, I graduated this past May with a degree in Theatre Studies: Acting and Directing. I packed up in Boston and 4 days later moved to Los Angeles. Although I had walked in graduation, I spent my first two months in Los Angeles participating in Emerson's LA Program. I did my best to use this time as a launching pad for my transition in my new home. As many of you know, I spent the past several summers working in Los Angeles - living in cheap apartments and figuring out the traffic patterns. I was lucky enough to work for companies like HBO, Abrams Artist Agency and at Sunset Gower Studios.

This summer, in accordance with the LA Program, I took on another full time internship along with two classes (The Business of Acting and a Screenwriter's Workshop). So five days a week, I worked at HSI Productions (commercial and music video production) as an assistant to the Executive Producer of Music Video and the VP of the company from 9-6 and then went to class in Burbank from 7-10:30. Needless to say, this summer wasn't much of a break. I had a great opportunity though. I was lucky enough to graduate early and move to Los Angeles without the stress of finding a job, apartment or car immediately. Instead, these two months allowed me to fashion all of this and a life for myself before the last day of class - making for a pretty seamless transition.

Sounds like roses right? Wrong. I can honestly say that these first few months were some of the most stressful in my life. Panicked job interviews, getting a good deal on an apartment - trying to feel at home... all of these things severely weighed me down. I ended up staying with HSI Productions as a full time 2nd Assistant. I got into this entirely new world of production I'd never even considered, but after months of working here, my emotional changes were becoming a larger force than the physical changes. I kept asking myself why I moved to LA in the first place? What were my passions. I learned that although I have man interests and many career goals - the people that rise to the top are those who focus on one thing. They give 110% to a dream and pursue it at all costs.

I have fought my whole life over this. I gave my maximum effort to many areas - I stretched myself thin. I became a jack of all trade (master of none!) I knew that I had to take this opportunity - this time new life - to change my focus to one area. I came to LA to act. With this in mind, I planned on quitting the security of my job at HSI to pursue acting and waiting tables. How fortunate that HSI beat me to the punch? In the wake of the economic downturn I was laid off as my company was loosing money. They were nice enough to promise me at least 3 day weeks until the end of the year. What did this mean for me? Another frantic job hunt! Getting creative with my finances! I decided that I would hit freelance production full force - PAing on sets, trying to get gigs as a production coordinator - on the track to becoming a producer.

It's funny how we panic when our lives are turned upside down. We scramble and push to regain control over the pieces of our lives, but when it comes down to it, the pieces fall back into place on their own. On the last day of my full time position I was walking out the door when one of the executives stopped me. One of the director's assistants had decided to quit and move from LA with his family. This left the position open. I was to sit desk temporarily. The next week, it became a permanent position. I know what you're thinking: "But Mark! What about pursuing your dreams and sticking to one passion?" I decided "Screw my dreams! I need money!" Actually, I 'm kidding. I kept the job because I sat down with the director and explained to him my realizations. He encouraged me to leave the office and get away from my desk. He wants me to turn my cell phone off during auditions so he can't bother me. He was me to produce my one work. There's a lot of downtime as a director's assistant - as he is often not in the office due to work and travel. I have been blessed with a job that every actor wants - steady pay and ultimate flexibility.

So this is where I am now. After seven months of panic and worrying and a big, toothy grin, I feel like I've finally arrived. I have a wonderful apartment that feels like home. I have a job that gives me the freedom to pursue my dreams 110%. And I'm slowly building a life here with friends and relationships.

Aside from the stress and anxiety of being a senior in college, graduating, making a transcontinental move, finding a home and a job ... 2008 has been a year of emotional growth as well. My heart has never been heavier to make a change. After my best friend's father passed away this past spring, I saw a drastic shift in my life. Suddenly, I was an adult. I sit at my desk sometimes just thinking about how I got here. That's very hard to do. When you're in grade school and middle school, high school and college - there's an end goal. There's your 13th birthday, then the 16th, 18th and 21st. There's parties and privileges. There's the first lead you get in the school play. There's the first time your parents let you go to the mall alone with your friends or your first drink.

And now? It feels like I'm free-falling. I know I'm moving, but I can't tell which way is up. I'm addicted to the freedom, but sometimes I'm frightened by it's inevitability. I've changed so much this past year. I'm realizing that adult friendships aren't about convenience like they are in high school - they are about accommodating the lives of many people. You work for the friendships you love - even if they live 3000 miles away. I'm realizing that my life is going to keep moving forward despite me. I've found a relationship with God that I fell away from for so long. I found a great church and community that makes me feel less alone and realize that everyone has problems and things that hold them back.

Most importantly, I realized how blessed I've been throughout my life. People like you were put in my way and affected the the direction of my journey. You taught me something that still rings in my head every time I make a decision. I've seen victory and I've seen tragedy. I've been brought to the edge of my will, but in the end, I've never NOT been provided for. I've realized that life is a battle with faith - having faith that things will work themselves out, that you will not perish, that life is about taking chances and taking a leap of faith towards an unknown outcome. In this way we become fearless. I'm not saying that I'm fearless - but i'm well on my way and this is, in part, because of you.

So as the year winds down and we celebrate with our families - I want to say thank you for giving me courage and helping me this far. It hasn't gone unnoticed.

Have a Happy Holiday and a wonderful New Year!

Best,

Mark Cramer

Holiday in Los Angeles

2008-12-11T16:03:00.000-08:00

This holiday season has been my first away from my family. I didn't spend Thanksgiving in King of Prussia - not even the East Coast or on some vacation. I had a great dinner at a friend's family's, but it was still a little sad and, yet, another benchmark in my adult life. I'm sure there will be many holidays spent away from home and my family. It seems like we're getting further and further away from one another.

That being said, I've been preparing (physically and mentally) for my first rip home since moving to Los Angeles. I will be flying into Philadelphia December 20 until January 1. In addition to the normal things that make going home exciting my best friend/roommate from college will also be visiting, I will get to see my family from Atlanta and I will travel up to NY for the New Year. There's a lot to look forward to and I'm getting more and more antsy to get on that plane.

It's been nearly 7 months since moving here in the 3rd week of May. I cannot believe that that much time has passed. So much has changed. So much has stayed the same. I think I'm most excited to be out of Los Angeles for an extended period of time to get some perspective on my life. Everyday, the world around me is laying out their accomplishments, saluting their next step up the proverbial ladder and talking about the future, careers, etc.. I'm guilty of the same practice and honestly, I'm excited to go home and be with my brother and sister and best friends from childhood and reinforce where I came from.

I think this is the most crucial part of getting older. The only way to know where you're going in life is to remember what came before it; what were the steps I took to get here. Life moves so quickly that sometimes I can't remember all of the steps. Suddenly, I have a great job or something awful happens and I don't know what led up to the point. It's easy to forget the hard stuff when things are good. I think going home will remind me of all of the good stuff and the bad stuff and make me even more grateful for the life I have. That's my hope.

Ok, that's a huge tangent that I didn't intend on writing. With the looming holidays, I've been getting into the spirit. I'm a big sucker for this time of year. I've been listening to Josh Groban's NOEL on repeat and putting my fireplace on (even when it's to warm for it). I had my office holiday party yesterday - and even if that sounds (too adult) and lame, it was yet another benchmark in redefining this part of the year for me.

I leave you with some embarrassing pictures of my ice skating - walking on the frozen pond in the Boston Gardens drunk doesn't count unfortunately - for the first time in maybe 10 years. The beach was a few blocks away.

Posed.

Not so much. Ho Ho ho.

D2D Teaser

2008-12-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

Here's a first look at DOOR TO DOOR! I can't believe we're in post already...

It might be better to click right to Youtube and then select to watch in HD.

Stumble

2008-12-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

All That Is Gold Does Not Glitter

All that is gold goes not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost:

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

-J.R.R. Tolkien

Oh yeah...

2008-12-03T17:57:00.001-08:00

I just realized that I left something big out of the last few posts.

So, I've been writing about how I'll be leaving HSI and that I've been making the transition into freelancing, etc.. Well, an interesting turn of events has changed my "plan" yet again. Two Fridays ago, during my last full week, one of the execs hollered (yes, that's the correct verb) for me. One of our director's assistants had decided to move to Maine with his wife, leaving the position open. He proposed that I step in on a trial period as his assistant. I did, and all parties have agreed that this will become my permanent (or as some would say --- "permalance" --- permanent freelance. Just me? Ok anyway...) position at HSI.

I know what you're thinking :
"But I thought you were better off leaving?"
"Weren't things better this way?"
"What about that fresh start in the right direction!?"

Well yes, I was looking for all of that and I would say that my leaving HSI would have been a blessing in disguise (as are most drastic, unexpected changes); however, this job is much different from my previous job as a 2nd Assistant upstairs. I've now moved downstairs to work as Simon Cole's assistant. Working with the VP and EP of Music Video was much more demanding on a day to day basis. Simon constantly works in LA, NY and the UK. What does that mean? Well, it means that I have a great deal more time to myself as his needs/tasks can be dealt with on on Blackberry and/or computer (aka anywhere). Simon sat me down and explained that I should use this job to my advantage. Work my butt off for him and, in the inevitbale downtime, work my butt off for myself; go on auditions, produce, write, etc..

This job has been an enormous, unexpected blessing. I now have been given the opportunity to have the best of both worlds. The stability of steady work with a great company and the freedom to actively persue my own interests and careers goals. So, with the new year coming, my previous goals remain the same: begin 2009 with a fresh perspective and enlivened spirit to pursue my dreams and remember the reasons I set out here in the first place.